Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!

CCO2012

My FMIL is a very sweet person and has all the best intentions, but I will have to say I did not really like anything she got me for xmas except for Monopoly and  the necklace (and that was mostly because of the sentimental value).

 I don't need gifts, I'm not that kind of person, but she insists on showering us with presents at any chance she gets. This year for xmas I got a sweater and top (both not my taste and don't fit all that well), a breif case for work (super masculine IMHO), Bath and Body works stuff (which was super nice of her, but that is what she always gives me for anything and I think I now have a lifetime supply) and stuff to organize and redo the bathroom (weird shades of blue and white, I really dislike it) and nothing came with a gift receipt.

I feel horrible that I really didn't like anything very much and I would never dream of telling anyone that but, if I told her that I didn't need gifts or something like that she would be so hurt. I have no idea what to do. I feel like she is just wasting money since I honestly don't think I will use or wear almost anything she bought me

HELP!!! I need to figure out how to communicate to her what my taste is/ a simple go to idea for me or something. I feel HORRIBLE right now and could really use some advice!

Stina51286

My FMIL is like that too and the first yr she got me clothes she way over estimated my size so I had to return them as they were huge on me. She seems to always want to give me stuff that I have no use for, last year this huge amish made recipe box, this yr this huge cook book holder. She knows we have a small house but insists on buying me stuff like that. So it stays in our spare bedroom until they come over, then I somehow manage to make space on the counter for it (hide my coffee maker which makes no sense bc they always want some).

Id let her know the clothes are too big or small whatever and ask if she has a gift receipt so you can get your size and then exchange it for something you like.

jaycee7389

Just drop hints from time to time about things you like or are interested in. Other than that there is nothing you can or SHOULD do. It's the thought that counts.

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:c59d3d6a-d766-44a9-a4bd-229ecb3aeee5">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]Just drop hints from time to time about things you like or are interested in. Other than that there is nothing you can or SHOULD do.<strong> It's the thought that counts.</strong>
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

I completely agree!!! 100% I don't need anything and I appreciate that she likes to buy me things, but I feel like I am a waste on her money when I don't use or wear anything she gives me. Maybe I should just get over that.

motoLyn

I do agree with Jaycee, your FMIL wants to do this for you.  I think the best thing to do is try to steer in the right direction with subtle hints about things you like and need.  As for the Bath and Body, I would mention to her that you have a lifetime supply.  Else start to give those away to your friends so you don't have an endless supply.  My older sister gives me so many lotions and gift baskets I end up giving them to friends.  About the clothes either ask her to help you exchange the shirt and sweater or stuff them into the back of your closet and occasionally wear it once when you see her.

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:212e0810-b48d-4493-a93f-c152747044ba">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]I do agree with Jaycee, your FMIL wants to do this for you.  I think the best thing to do is try to steer in the right direction with subtle hints about things you like and need.  As for the Bath and Body, I would mention to her that you have a lifetime supply.  Else start to give those away to your friends so you don't have an endless supply.  My older sister gives me so many lotions and gift baskets I end up giving them to friends.  About the clothes either ask her to help you exchange the shirt and sweater or stuff them into the back of your closet and occasionally wear it once when you see her.
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]


Yeah, I think I'll start mentioning to FI that I love rose gold tones costume jewelry and the holiday decorations she gave us last year and stuff like that and hopefully when she asks him he wont tell her he doesn't know. lol

I was also thinking that the sweater isn't so bad and I'll probably wear it when it gets close to laundry day and maybe I can wear the shirt for my shower in Kansas to make her happy. (I only worry that will encourage her to buy me more stuff like it) Oh well, I'm probably worrying about this more than I should.

elannis

I agree with what everyone has said. I've never been one to return stuff, but sometimes it's necessary, lol. I got a pair of boots for Christmas that I can never imagine myself wearing. I think rather than asking to exchange them (they fit me perfectly), I'm just going to make some alterations to them myself.

At least your FMIL just buys you stuff that doesn't fit you on accident; mine tells me that I'm buying the wrong size and I really should be a bigger size, like the one she got me. (Yes, I'm still bitter, lol).

I also agree with regifting the bath stuff. She'll never know and you can spread the love, lol.

CCO2012

Thanks guys! I appreciate the advice.

Any advice on the bathroom stuff? I'm slightly insulted that she chose to re-design my bathroom for me and I really don't like what she picked out. Any help you can throw my way on that one?

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:62fc50ad-d0de-457c-9904-c5528b2d6c36">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks guys! I appreciate the advice. Any advice on the bathroom stuff? I'm slightly insulted that she chose to re-design my bathroom for me and I really don't like what she picked out. Any help you can throw my way on that one?
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]

I honestly don't think it would be offensive to return this stuff (unless you have more than one bathroom you can just use it in).

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:7f648128-991a-42d6-98c0-83acaab73e8f">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you! : I honestly don't think it would be offensive to return this stuff (unless you have more than one bathroom you can just use it in).
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

I only have one bathroom and I have no idea where she bought the items and she didn't give me any gift receipts.


ETA: I would just tell FI I didn't like them, but I think his feeling would get hurt and he'd get all offended. He is super close to his mom, so if I insult her taste it will hurt his feelings. UGH! This sucks.

elannis

I'm not sure how you'd get out of the bathroom stuff instead of asking. You could always say it's not quite your style, but you'd love her to take you back and she can help you pick out something else that you'd like.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:3d0a5534-620a-472d-a22b-694bbe693b18">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you! : I only have one bathroom and I have no idea where she bought the items and she didn't give me any gift receipts. ETA: I would just tell FI I didn't like them, but I think his feeling would get hurt and he'd get all offended. He is super close to his mom, so if I insult her taste it will hurt his feelings. UGH! This sucks.
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]

They've got to understand that her taste and your taste aren't always going to be the same. And you're the one living there, seeing it every day.

I'm terrified of the day FMIL comes up and drops off tons of stuff for our someday new house. She helped decorate FI's apartment before I came along and when I suggested making it homey (putting up pictures) she freaked out thinking I was going to get all new furniture and throw "hers" out.

doubleSS07

My BF's mom does this as well...the last straw was last year when she got us this huge electric griddle!  We have a tiny kitchen with very little storage so it lives in the garage now.  We would have exchanged it but she cut the UPC off the box for her mail in rebate, yes seriously. 

For this year I made BF talk to her and say here are some things we need for the house if you need ideas for gifts.  We'd love to have something we can use everyday.  She was fine with it and we ended up with something we really wanted/needed and she didn't waste money on stuff (read bath salts and smelly candles) we always end up giving away when trying to buy for each of us individually.  This might not work for all families though..I think you'd need to feel out your FI and see if he thinks she'd be offended or not.

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:462d7679-af50-4401-be28-955a2ad9e86e">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you! : They've got to understand that her taste and your taste aren't always going to be the same. And you're the one living there, seeing it every day.<strong> I'm terrified of the day FMIL comes up and drops off tons of stuff for our someday new house. She helped decorate FI's apartment before I came along and when I suggested making it homey (putting up pictures) she freaked out thinking I was going to get all new furniture and throw "hers" out.</strong>
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

Oh jeeze! That sucks! This is the first time she has done anything like this. I think she was trying to be helpful and thought that the black was all FI's idea before I moved in and that I would want something more girly. But blue and white embroidered flowery shower curtain and a powder blue rug is just not my style.

I'm thinking about just hanging it up and getting something new for the house and trying to steer her away from stuff like that in the future.

jaycee7389

Ely, my FMIL said that her MIL tried to tell her what to do about EVERYTHING when they first got married. She would come over and try to clean, decorate, and criticize everything. My FMIL told me she is making it her mission to treat me the exact opposite of how she was treated, which makes me feel sad because she is always worried to step on my toes.

This is O/T but FMIL was telling me how her MIL (FI's gram) used to give her dirty looks all the time, and they would catch them in family photos and so forth. FI's gram has dementia now and is starting to forget a lot. FI's sister looks a lot like FMIL did when she was younger, so FMIL thinks that FI's gram looks at FI's sister and thinks it's FMIL. (sorry if that was confusing). She even found a picture of FI's gram giving his sister the stink eye. It was HILARIOUS..and sad lol.

elannis

At least you can use the shower curtain for a while and then when it gets old, you can get a new rug to match the new one. At least she didn't buy you paint for the walls or something, lol. My cousin's MIL did that. She didn't ask what color she wanted, just brought it over.

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:7b8e5273-c401-4dd1-ad52-0ee1d69e751b">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]At least you can use the shower curtain for a while and then when it gets old, you can get a new rug to match the new one. At least she didn't buy you paint for the walls or something, lol. My cousin's MIL did that. She didn't ask what color she wanted, just brought it over.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

Oh god! Yeah I think she was trying to be nice, but it was not a good idea.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-fmil-please-thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ab3bb9d3-5d47-46ea-84eb-84a0d7ca710fPost:66ce0376-77f9-484e-b342-0d51b394297c">Re: Advice for FMIL, Please and Thank you!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ely, my FMIL said that her MIL tried to tell her what to do about EVERYTHING when they first got married. She would come over and try to clean, decorate, and criticize everything. My FMIL told me she is making it her mission to treat me the exact opposite of how she was treated, which makes me feel sad because she is always worried to step on my toes. This is O/T but FMIL was telling me how her MIL (FI's gram) used to give her dirty looks all the time, and they would catch them in family photos and so forth. FI's gram has dementia now and is starting to forget a lot. FI's sister looks a lot like FMIL did when she was younger, so FMIL thinks that FI's gram looks at FI's sister and thinks it's FMIL. (sorry if that was confusing). She even found a picture of FI's gram giving his sister the stink eye. It was HILARIOUS..and sad lol.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

I actually wish my FMIL would do that. She says she's always so afraid of stepping on our toes, but she doesn't realize that's what she does so much. I've heard more "suggestions" on how to do things from her than I ever cared to in a life time. It's everything from making us turn off our Christmas tree at night to telling us which kind of honey is best (the kind she gets). She'll also try to tell FI what to get when we go out to eat. She'll say, "Oh this looks good. I'm gonna get this. Don't you want this too? So we're both getting this then, right?" or she'll say "Why don't you get this? So are you gonna get that?" and keep it up until he makes up his mind even though he never once asked for her opinion. He doesn't usually get what she suggests, but it's like an obsession that she can't control. That is sad about your FMIL's MIL. I really can't decide if my FMIL likes me or not. She seems to want to and all that because of FI, but the comments about my weight or the little backhanded compliments make me wonder.


CCO: I'm not sure if she was being nice or not. My cousin's MIL also offered to pay for my cousin's wedding dress (way back when), but only if she got to pick it out herself and she's always trying to be in charge of their kids and dictate what my cousin and her husband can do with them when she's around.

callalily13

As far as clothes or jewerly goes I have a possible soluation. The next time you either go visit your FMIL or she comes to visit you and FI, you should invite her out to the mall and you two can "shop" aka you can walk around with her and look at some clothes you would actually like and make comments like "oh i love this shirt with the blah blah blah" or can comment on your actual size by saying something like "oh that's a M I am a S" so she hopefully uses those "clues" to pick ou tthings you will actually like.