Jealous...

bethsmiles

My friend set her wedding date for June 25 (about 9 months from now) and I can't help but feel a little jealous. Also, since her and her FI set a date everyone keeps asking me and my BF when we will be getting married. Its just frustrating because I'm not a patient person and this just makes it worse.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:f032f9f4-691c-432f-b885-69f2df783fef">Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]My friend set her wedding date for June 25 (about 9 months from now) and I can't help but feel a little jealous. Also, since her and her FI set a date everyone keeps asking me and my BF when we will be getting married. Its just frustrating because I'm not a patient person and this just makes it worse.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

i know what you mean.  i have a total of 17 friends getting married THIS YEAR (2010) (yes, 17!!!) and already i've been asked to be an attendant/house party for 2 weddings next spring.  even though my BF plans on proposing in december or january, it's annoying and frustrating because we have so many people asking us when we are finally going to settle down and get serious...  as if we aren't settled down and serious already?  but whatever.

some days are worse than others.  some days i'm extremely jealous of the bling and the excitement of the official engagement period.  and then some days...  i really don't care.  and on the "bad days", nothing really makes it better.  and there have been a few days when i've just let it really get to me...  and those days i always end up taking it out on BF, even though it is NOT his fault and it's really just me being bratty and jealous.

i just try to remember that they are ONLY asking and bugging us about it because they are truly happy and excited for us...  people don't realize that it can be annoying/frustrating/hurtful. 

i've been saving up like crazy for a downpayment on a house.  i have quite a bit of cash already saved...  and on days that i really get depressed about not being "officially engaged", i'll check out that account and see how much i have... and do some calculations about how much i PLAN to have by the time that we start house-shopping (post-proposal)...  most of the people i know who have gotten married are going to be dirt-poor and struggling financially and trying to juggle marriage, jobs, and school.  but BF and i will both be out of college, with money in the bank plus emergency-only savings, and starting real careers instead of part-time jobs... we shouldn't have to live paycheck-to-paycheck.  and those things are really important to me, and to BF.  it's more important than the bling and the "we're engaged" label.  so when we start out our life together, we'll hopefully avoid some of the conflicts and frustrations of marriage and wedding planning...  because we waited an extra year.

and really, what is an extra year or two?  some money in the bank (hopefully), a few more life experiences, some extra time to work out any kinks or personality quirks, and a solid foundation on which to build a marriage.

don't let it get to you.  :)  just keep the important things important...  and totally watch how they plan/execute the wedding and first year or two of marriage...  you'll pick up a lot of do's and don't's.

calindi

Breathe... I'm with you!  We'll get there!  I'd guess I still have about 6 months or more to wait... we'll see!

Our friends got engaged last weekend and have already set a date (his family's Church and then their family farm, so I guess it wasn't hard to choose venues).  They started dating the exact same weekend as BF and me two years ago.  Also, we've got friends who are two years younger than me (meaning 5 years younger than BF) and have been dating about 8-9 months less than us and are already engaged and planning on next May.  BF's sister is expecting a baby.  We'll be celebrating 2 years of dating in Europe in a month, and I strongly doubt I'll be getting a ring (not least of which because I know my great-grandmother's diamond is still in its original setting in my drawer).  All of these have led to us being asked a million times when it's our turn.  It's also made me just a teensy bit envious.

The worst part will be Christmas when we're at my parents' hosue because all my family will be grilling me, and all my neighbors are apparently asking on a weekly basis if I've gotten engaged yet.  For example, my Mom put balloons up outside for my Grandma's birthday a few weeks ago, and my neighbors came over asking if they were for an engagement.  Ugh!

calindi

I totally agree with what Lindsay said - have a goal for yourself before you get engaged.  I focus on our trip to Europe, and getting in shape, and growing out my nails.  I'm also trying to save up a 2-month emergency fund - it was depleted when I lost my job last year, and I sort of decided to go on a vacation before saving it up again (irresponsible, I know, but kinda worth it).

meamolly

so have you tried the bean dip? i esp love it with corn chips. See what i did there? its now a new topic cause it will happen when it happens to be the right time. Now how bout some bean dip.

CWill16

Oh boy. I understand this!

I get sooo jealous when couples we know that have been dating a shorter period of time get married, but like PP said there are so many advantages to waiting because in the end your situation will be better. We will both have educations and be making a great living when we get married verses some people we know struggling to get by. We made the decision not to pass up education and will be better off for it.

Just remember, just because they are getting married sooner does not make their lives better and does not ensure they will have happy or successful marriages.

bethsmiles

Thanks for all the support! I guess I'm happy for them, even though I think they are making a mistake. In the end I know waiting is for the best, I just don't like waiting haha...

HeartOverMind

I am also struggling with this issue. I know this couple that goes to our church who are younger than me and BF and they have been engaged for about 6 months. They are going to be married when they are 21! (They are 19 right now)

I was so upset when they announced their engagement, because she's the type of girl who likes flaunting and carrying on...so it was almost unbearable for me.

But BF just got a new job that pays way better than his previous one and I'm a few years from getting my degree, so we are just living our lives together.  I am so content and truly happy with our relationship, but there are those moments when I'm practically dying to be engaged. But it always passes....so just keep your chin up and you'll get through it.

lindsayrae1986

if i could skip the whole engagement period and go straight to being married, i would TOTALLY do it. 

and before everyone tells me it's an option...  it's not, for me, personally.  i want the engagement period and the wedding and all that stress/funtimes. 

but what i'm really looking forward to is life after the wedding/honeymoon.

...even though, i am sure i will have lots of fun showing my new bling around after he proposes. 

calindi

Ever since BF's sister got pregnant, I've been having baby envy.  She's my age, and her husband is BF's age, so it's easy to imagine us in their shoes.  So I've caught myself daydreaming about making BF being a daddy some day, going through the pregnancy together, raising kids, coaching little league, teaching them to drive, etc.  So for me, the craving is more like a high schooler wanting to hurry up and get to college - it's all fun, and it's all hard, so you might as well enjoy the stage you're at while you're there because hurrying it won't help.

hzamonis

Gosh I just wanted to post here because I really feel for you girls. My FI and I were dating over 5 years when he proposed in July. The embarrassing part of it is that I actually cried to my best friend on the morning of our engagement day because I was so upset that it was never going to happen. And you know what 7 hours later he popped the question.

The thing you need to remember is that your boyfriends want it to be a surprise & when it's the hot topic all the time they may feel like you expect it. I think females are all about the love and the bling and the wedding..and your boyfriends take on the responsibility of being able to support you and take care of you as their wife so they need to make sure the timing is perfect for them too. When it happens you'll be the happiest girl in the world & will forget about all that waiting! Keep your chin up ladies!

SopChick

I've totally been going through the envious/jealous/impatient phase lately too. I understand and agree with the logic of why we're waiting (as I'm sure you do too beth with your own situation), but sometimes all the logic in the world doesn't help when those feelings hit! Hang in there, I'm sure once the excitement of everything that's going on with your friend right now settles down, things will return to normal.

As for the pesky people asking about when, I'm getting sick of being nice about it too. Bean dip is looking like a mighty fine option!

StarGazingHiker

Oh ladies... I'm with you! It's definitely frustrating sometimes when people who have been together not as long get engaged and married. This happened to me with my best friend.... they were dating about 8 months and got engaged and 6 months later got married. Bf and I had been together a little less than 5 years at that point. It definitely raised the "why'd they do it so quickly?/when is it our turn?" question.

I know I still have 6 mths to a year before we get engaged...Since school will consume my life for the next 3 years, we have a few blocks of time for us to get married in... mainly August 2011 or August 2012 since we want to have kids in about 3 years... so knowing my bf, we're looking at August 2010 to get married so I still have a ways to go on the engagement, which is good... we'll both have more time to save money and all that good stuff.

I love your ideas of having goals... Calindi- I'm totally stealing your ideas of getting in shape and letting my nails grow out! I'm now adopting those as my goals before getting engaged... I want to look awesome in engagement pics/be more healthy in general and make my poor abused hands with their poor bit to the quick nails look pretty!

So, for now I get to work on my goals and just enjoy the life we have together now!

Beads921

I'm going to join the, "I get it" parade. I so do. It seems like someone else is always getting engaged, but not me, which I'm generally OK with, but some days it gets to me (especially when people ask if I'm engaged - uh, no!). We'll be celebrating 3 years together next week (which I still don't totally believe), which is longer than most of the people I know who are getting married. Waiting a bit longer won't hurt anyone though - I figure, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, that will be the same whether you get married tomorrow or 3 years from now (easy to say that today, when I'm not really bothered by not being engaged or really planning to be any time shortly).

Elle1036

I have a friend who is almost exactly my age, but has been married for two years, owns her home, has the job she will probably have for most of her life, and just announced that she is pregnant with her first child.  It would have been easy to be jealous each time she took one of those big life steps, but, instead, I'm just glad that I still have those things to look forward to.  I still have adventures and uncertainty and excitement...  Of course, she does, too, but I would just hate to have crammed so many of those big events into the first years of my twenties.  I'm glad to take my time.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:003c738c-1e03-41c7-bcd7-4689cf883321">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree with what Lindsay said - have a goal for yourself before you get engaged.  I focus on our trip to Europe, and getting in shape, and <strong>growing out my nails</strong>.  I'm also trying to save up a 2-month emergency fund - it was depleted when I lost my job last year, and I sort of decided to go on a vacation before saving it up again (irresponsible, I know, but kinda worth it).
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

For those great hand shots when you get the ring, right?  I'm trying, too, mostly unsuccessfully.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:654a3d45-d172-4b00-b72a-c3c02d65da78">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>if i could skip the whole engagement period and go straight to being married, i would TOTALLY do it.  and before everyone tells me it's an option...  it's not, for me, personally.  i want the engagement period and the wedding and all that stress/funtimes.</strong>  but what i'm really looking forward to is life after the wedding/honeymoon. ...even though, i am sure i will have lots of fun showing my new bling around after he proposes.  ;)
Posted by lindsayrae1986[/QUOTE]

No, it is an option to skip all that, it's just one that you have decided to rule out. There's nothing wrong with wanting an engagement, but your first two sentences are contradictory.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:79c3dba5-7b98-4001-9050-a8bb329e1e5c">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Jealous... : No, it is an option to skip all that, it's just one that you have decided to rule out. There's nothing wrong with wanting an engagement, but your first two sentences are contradictory.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

which is why i said that it is not an option,<em> for me, personally</em>.  :)

deburnin

I totally understand this too. I remember when my best friend got engaged I was so jealous of her it took a little time for me to be happy for her which made me feel like a miserable brat. While helping her with wedding stuff that jealousy wore off because I saw how much she and her FI were struggling to afford everything.

My jealousy still comes back when I see people younger who have been together for less time getting engaged. One of BF's friends got engaged after six months of knowing each other and married before the one year mark. They're both our age, 23, and had a honeymoon baby. I can't even imagine having a baby right now.

When one of my coworkers who had left for a different job came back the first thing she did was take my left hand and check for a ring. I was pissed. I don't like her to begin with and found it extremely tactless. She also got all uppity when she found out that BF and I will be moving in together before marriage and told me we should at least be engaged first so I know he's serious. Wtf? Back off lady.

The fact that my younger sister and her BF are talking about getting engaged next summer during the same trip BF and I have discussed has me really aggravated. I know that I can't call dibs on the trip, but I've been waiting what will be six years at that point and they'll only have  been together for three. I'm jealous of her and it hasn't even happened yet and may not... I just feel like who ever gets proposed to first is going to get the attention and everyone will think the other is just trying to steal the attention...

bethsmiles

I just keep thinking that even though they get to get married sooner, they don't have the support of her parents, school is being put on hold, and money will definitely be a problem for them and that's not what we want.

Our parents would support us if we decided to get married this summer but its not the life we want. We know its so much better to wait. That and we will have been dating for so long that I know once the wedding comes everyone will be so excited for us and we won't have to deal with all of the negativity that my friends are dealing with.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:c69ff255-08c8-49b4-89c2-533899c57e99">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]I just keep thinking that even though they get to get married sooner, they don't have the support of her parents, school is being put on hold, and money will definitely be a problem for them and that's not what we want. Our parents would support us if we decided to get married this summer but its not the life we want. We know its so much better to wait. That and we will have been dating for so long that I know once the wedding comes everyone will be so excited for us and we won't have to deal with all of the negativity that my friends are dealing with.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

That's exactly how I feel too, Beth. But it's still frustrating to watch others ignore all those reasons to wait. It's like, what's the rush?

In the end I just keep remind myself that it's better for me to wait.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:2522a5e9-168b-4fa4-9457-bf3e2146bce1">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Jealous... : which is why i said that it is not an option, for me, personally .  :)
Posted by lindsayrae1986[/QUOTE]

I'm not even sure if this is worth the effort, but I'm going to try anyways.

You missed my point completely. In one sentence you said you wish you could skip the whole engagement period, and the next sentence you said you can't because it "isn't an option" because you want that experience.

1) Those are contradictory.

2) Ruling out that option because you don't want to do it (which is fair enough), doesn't make it "not an option". It makes it an option you ruled out.

I know I'm being technical here. But it does make a difference regarding your post. Please don't see this as an attack, because it's only a correction.

lindsayrae1986

thank you. 

however, i think the misunderstanding lies not in the fact that i want to necessarily skip the whole engagement period.  i think it is important to have a time to transition emotionally and mentally from being "single" to being "married".  i DO realize that not everyone needs an engagement period to have that transition, but many people do require that transitional period.  we will be in pre-marital counselling and engagement classes at our church, as well as attending financial classes for engaged and young married couples during the engagement period.  the transition from thinking like a single woman to thinking like a married woman normally requires a period of engagement (aka transition)...

the fact is that i am not "excited" about being engaged...  it's not a status symbol, just like being "married" is not a status symbol... by "skipping the whole engagement period", i meant that i am most looking forward to building our life and family together, as a married couple...  not the big wedding, planning, etc. 

i think many women on this forum can relate to that.  to me, it's not the engagement and proposal and the big wedding day that i'm most looking forward to...  and if i could skip it, i would, because that's where i want to be.  but i know that it is not the best decision, for me,  to do that...  we need that transitional period and counselling.  we will not be living together or sharing joint accounts until after the wedding.  if i were impatient enough, i would skip it and just get married.  however, sometimes that can be a sign of immaturity.  if you've been living together and you have already made the mental and emotional transition, then sure... go for it!  i haven't.  i need that transitional period.  so as much as i would LIKE to skip it and skip straight to being married, it would be stupid for me to do that.

anyway, this thread is not about that.  this thread was originally about the frustrations NEY-women feel at times.  and i think there has been some great advice given.  thanks ladies. 


EDIT:  someone mentioned in another thread http://www.consciousweddings.com ... i've found it to be very interesting!

lindsayrae1986

i'm starting to get "jealous" of all of my friends' cute wedding ideas...  how bad would i be to use them in mine?? 

bethsmiles, are you close to your friend who just set her engagement date?  i only ask because several of my closest girlfriends are engaged or recently married, so i got to see firsthand all the joys and pains of wedding planning and being a newlywed.  it was eye-opening, to say the least!

bethsmiles

We aren't super close and even if we were I probably wouldn't want to hear about her wedding because she has been acting very immature since she got engaged and all she does is complain. She is more my BF's friend than mine, I mean we are friends but only because of my BF.

It hasn't bothered me that my other friends have gotten married but for some reason this particular couple getting married is very irritating. I thinks its because they sound so immature any time they talk about the wedding or life in general. They seem very naive I guess.

lindsayrae1986

it's really frustrating when they act like it's some secret club that i'm not privileged enough to be a part of...  grrrr.  however, as they've grown up a little bit they've started to kind of lay off of the comments some.

sorry you're feeling this way bethsmiles.    i agree that some couples are more irritating than others...  marriage might be a big slap in the face for them...  a dose of reality?  who knows...

callalily13

A little advice from someone who is engaged: Unless you are planning on getting married pretty soon after you get engaged it is no different than being bf and gf. My fiance and I had been together for 5 years before he proposed and we are not planning on getting married for another 3, so we will not start planning for like another year and a half. We had wanted to take the next step but honestly besides having a ring on my finger which I had before (promise ring--just a band) is not any different. Just enjoy your relationship!!

bethsmiles

Ok I'm just going to say it, I hate it when people's advice is to tell me to enjoy my relationship. I enjoy my relationship, I love how things are between me and my BF and I don't pressure him at all to propose. However, that doesn't mean that I am going to be void of other emotions. I can be a little jealous and still be enjoying my relationship.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:acc71bcd-3159-40cd-bdf5-82b4266c4082">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>it's really frustrating when they act like it's some secret club that i'm not privileged enough to be a part of...  grrrr.</strong>  however, as they've grown up a little bit they've started to kind of lay off of the comments some. sorry you're feeling this way bethsmiles.  :(  i agree that some couples are more irritating than others...  marriage might be a big slap in the face for them...  a dose of reality?  who knows...
Posted by lindsayrae1986[/QUOTE]

That's what I hate the most- all the comments my engaged friend makes like "oh, well you don't understand because YOU'RE not ENGAGED like I am. So you just don't understand how much I miss him after not seeing him for a WHOLE day!"

Beth, the way some people (usually younger) act when they're engaged just seems totally naive. How old is your friend? I find mine's always going on about what jewellery she and us BMs should wear, but she doesn't even consider how she's going to have money for an apartment once she is married.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:6a5ca84b-4c42-4188-ba33-224c403648d3">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm just going to say it, I hate it when people's advice is to tell me to enjoy my relationship. I enjoy my relationship, I love how things are between me and my BF and I don't pressure him at all to propose. However, that doesn't mean that I am going to be void of other emotions. I can be a little jealous and still be enjoying my relationship.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

honestly... me too.  and some days even just "enjoying the relationship" doesn't cut it.  i think there's a lot of pressure put on dating couples, and especially the women, to "get him to propose"...  like, getting married is the big prize for some competition.  and it's not.  and i think maybe i wouldn't <em>care</em> so much if other people weren't making such a big deal about it. 

speaking of which, i'm going to a dress fitting with a girlfriend tomorrow.  she's having a mock dress fitting (whatever that is... she said they're going to pin tissue paper on her.  what's the point in that??  i'm hoping it'll be really cool though.  her dress is completely custom-made.)  and even though she's my oldest and one of my closest friends... I'M JEALOUS.  and i feel really stupid for being so jealous of one of my best girl friends. 

i keep telling myself to look at it as a learning experience... ergh.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad3894d5-0b6e-412d-ac1d-64483f0ed2b7Post:fb7b7b8b-e547-43d2-9f3e-11f7d702da2d">Re: Jealous...</a>:
[QUOTE]Beth, the way some people (usually younger) act when they're engaged just seems totally naive. How old is your friend? I find mine's always going on about what jewellery she and us BMs should wear, but she doesn't even consider how she's going to have money for an apartment once she is married.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

She turned 20 in may. She will be 21 when they get married. Her FI is the same age. They got engaged on their 2 year anniversary right after they graduated high school. She still lives with her parents and has never lived on her own. Her parents are paying for the entire wedding (and its an expensive wedding) but all her and FI do is complain about them. Her parents don't like him (well its not that they don't like him as a person they just don't like them together, they want her to date more than just one person or at least wait until she is done with school). Its just one big drama really.