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Am I being ridiculous?

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Re: Am I being ridiculous?

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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:70b09028-32d9-45d2-9d33-2c47a868ba16">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not being defensive.  From what you all have said, I see that he isn't ready to get married, and I don't want to get married until HE is truly married.  Ring or no ring.  If he is still not ready, I don't want to do it.  I only brought up the rings again, because cu97tiger asked Elopingin2013 was my screenname.  At the time that I created it, I figured we would be ready by then.  It's not something set in stone.  I never once said that I disagreed with any of you. I took his older aunt's advice and told him that I wouldn't move in with him until we were married.  Obviously, I shouldn't have done that.  She and I both knew that he wouldn't marry me if he didn't have any reason to.  I see now that if he doesn't want to, I just need to move on.  I've let the ring thing go.  It was important to me, but it isn't to him, and neither is having a true married.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]



    No, it is not at all bad for you to not feel comfortable living with this man who is having obvious trouble committing to you. You are well within your rights to tell him you don't want to live with him until you are married, or otherwise committed to one another.

    The problem is that your hidden agenda was to make him hurry up and get you a ring/wedding.

    Here's the part you left out...

    "I love you, and we have a child together. Obviously there is an enormous part of me that just wants this to work. However, my child comes before anything else in this world. My own happiness comes second. At this moment you are fulfilling neither of these things. I am not comfortable moving in with you without knowing how committed you are to us. You have been telling me right along that you aren't ready for that commitment. Well guess what, now I'm listening to you, and I'M not ready to hand myself over to someone who is lukewarm about any of this."

    This whole thing has turned into being about the ring, when the real root issue is that this man has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that he is not willing to give you an inch, when what you and your son need is a mile. You DESERVE the mile. Find a man who can not only give it, but wants to. If that isn't this man, then you have to accept that and move on.
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    If you truly want to spend your life with this person, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do before you even consider getting married.  He's not ready, and you're settling...those two things will make for a VERY unhappy life.  He'll resent you for forcing him into marriage, and you'll resent him because he's not the man you want him to be.

    You need to step back from the marriage discussion and really consider what you want and what will make you happy.  From the sound of your posts, it's quite possible that not being with him at all could be a very serious option, but only you can decide that. 
    Anniversary
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    Oh I know, buy yourself a ring......
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    It sounds like you two have very different wants and needs from this relationship, and neither is GENUINELY interested in compromise.

    You want a traditional proposal, rings, and a wedding.  He wants to live together with as little commitment as possible and will do the bare minimum to shut you up so that you oblige.

    Neither of you really seems to think about what's best for your son, who should be your #1 priority.  Is it really good for your son to be living apart from his father just because it's the only leverage you have to make him marry you?  Is it good for your son to grow up watching a relationship that's based on ultimatums?

    I think you both need therapy, individual and couples.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:6d9993e2-d49c-435b-92a4-a0fc493b0920">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being ridiculous? : Ditto Sousa! Bean, that was such a moving thing to hear. You're an amazing woman.  OP, I have nothing to add that the other ladies haven't already said. You need to take their advice. 
    Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

    I just need to point out that cschiano just called me an amazing woman! SCORE! I have warm fuzzies.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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    RWS2011RWS2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Eloping, I know you have said you moved back to your home state after something bad happened between you and your child's father.  Do you currently have a strong support system in your home town, such as family, job, help with your child?

    Previous posters have already made many valid points.  I will offer one more perspective, as someone who had to make a choice about staying with the father of my child. 

    My boyfriend at the time and I moved in together when I found out I was pregnant.  We had plans to live as a family, but had only discussed marriage in passing.  He kept encouraging me to quit my job so he could take care of me.  I knew he did not make enough money for that so I kept my job until I could no longer physically work (about 3 weeks before I gave birth).  Almost immediately after I had my daughter, he started complaining about finances.  He was critical of my plan to go back to school, which he had previously claimed to support.  After months of fighting about money and future plans, I finally told him we needed to see a couples counselor.  When he said, "This just isn't fun anymore," I knew he did not have the emotional maturity for the kind of commitment I needed.  We parted ways.  It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.  I even wondered whether or not I had made a mistake.

    A few years later, he started wooing me again, and dangled the carrot of marriage.  He knew it was something I wanted eventually.  His pitch was that if that was "what it took" he would do it.  The underlying message was that he still didn't really want marriage, but wanted to be a family.  At that point in my life, I knew we were not right for each other.  He has always been active in his daughter's life.  I have always made access to her easy for him, even giving him rides because he doesn't wish to own a car.  Whether or not he and I were a couple, he would always be here father.  But, I held out for a man who could be a real partner and a role model for a healthy relationship.  I have that now.  My daughter who is now 8 has said that when she grows up, she wants to date a man like B, my current boyfriend.  She has witnessed our healthy relationship.  If I had just married her father, we would probably be bickering right now.  We have different values and goals.

    In all this, you need to consider what is best for your child.  That does not always mean staying with the father.  If you still think he is the best man for you and your child, I agree that you both need to seek help in developing your communication and in expressing and understanding each other's expectations.  I wish you the best in this decision. 
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    edited May 2012
    Just wanted to give an update:  I talked to him after work and asked him if he truly wanted to get married.  He said he was and that he was ready to commit and be a husband.  I asked him what made him change his mind in the past month, and he said he'd been thinking about it a lot.  Later on that night, I was talking about marriage to him and he wasn't really acting interested.  I asked him why he wasn't, and he told me he was tired of hearing about it.  I told him that I felt like he would only hate talking about it, if it was something that he didn't really want.  He went off on me and told me that he didn't want to get married and he hates marriage and doesn't believe in it, because of how his parent's marriage was (and how his mom's current marriage is).  He told me that I didn't care about what he wanted.  I told him that I'd asked him twice if he truly wanted to get married, and that he had lied and said yes.  He just ignored me and told me to get out of his life.
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    Did I read that you are 22 years old?  Listen to a woman who is almost twice your age and getting married for the first time to the love of her life.  I was in a relationship with a selfish, immature man for much longer than I should have been - engaged to him even.  I stayed because he had some good qualities and I was afraid of being alone.  I told myself everyday that a good relationship always came with self-sacrifice and "settling."  It doesn't.  You haven't met the right man yet. How would you feel if you met a man who treated you like a queen and a friend so that you woke up every day knowing he was thinking of the best way to make you and your child happy? You can find that person.  You just have to step back, get your life together, recapture some of the self-worth, think about what kind of example you want to set for your child, and treat your BFs "get out of my life" statement as a key out of prison!  Get out when it is easy and you are still so young to meet the right guy.  

    I thank God every day when I got that wake up call to get out that I took it.  If I hadn't, I would have passed by the man who I was meant to be with.  You won't be alone forever. You will get married and have the wedding, the rings, the family that you want... but not if you stay with this guy.  Give yourself a chance!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:9ce6b37a-323a-4a3d-8af6-5b451fcd60de">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just wanted to give an update:  I talked to him after work and asked him if he truly wanted to get married.  He said he was and that he was ready to commit and be a husband.  I asked him what made him change his mind in the past month, and he said he'd been thinking about it a lot.  Later on that night, I was talking about marriage to him and he wasn't really acting interested.  I asked him why he wasn't, and he told me he was tired of hearing about it.  I told him that I felt like he would only hate talking about it, if it was something that he didn't really want.  He went off on me and told me that he didn't want to get married and he hates marriage and doesn't believe in it, because of how his parent's marriage was (and how his mom's current marriage is).  He told me that I didn't care about what he wanted.  I told him that I'd asked him twice if he truly wanted to get married, and that he had lied and said yes. <strong> He just ignored me and told me to get out of his life.</strong>
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    Oh, honey. :( I'm so sorry.

    Personally, I would not marry or waste any more time/energy on someone who treated me that way.

    You deserve so much more.

    It sounds like your BF has a lot of growing up to do. He isn't sure what he wants, and he can't treat the people in his life the way they deserve. I am sure that he can be a really wonderful guy when he's at his best, or you wouldn't have tried to make it work this long.

    But trying to make him into the adult husband and father YOU want is not going to work if it isn't what HE wants for HIMSELF.

    Make sense?

    I think you are better off ending the romantic side of your relationship with him.

    Focus on yourself, and what you and your kiddo need to be happy and secure. You do NOT need a man in your life to be fulfilled.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    PPs have been very helpful in their advice.  I wanted to comment on the rings thing - when I was with my ex, he never REALLY wanted to do anything to make me happy.  He would go along with whatever he had to do to keep the relationship going, but not anything to make it great.  I constantly found myself saying things like, "well, I'll pay for half the vacation and plan it if you'll come with me?" I found myself saying, "but if I pick out the engagement ring and give you money for it, will you buy it?"  Woooooow.  It wasn't ever about the ring or the vacation or the dinner out or whatever - he didn't proactively want to make me happy.

    I'm now with my fiance who says to me that every day, he wants to do something to make my life better, whether that is to make dinner for me, or take me out, or surprise me with the most amazing proposal I could have ever hoped for, or to giving me a big hug and a glass of wine at the end of a hard day at work.  It is NIGHT AND DAY DIFFERENT.

    I think the ring has become for you the symbol of HIM wanting to give SOMETHING to YOU, and he doesn't, because his heart isn't in it and he's too selfish to love you properly.  That is unlikely to ever change, at least as he treats you. 

    Good luck- have the courage to break this off.  The right man is SOOOOOO WORTH WAITING FOR.  I promise.  :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:9ce6b37a-323a-4a3d-8af6-5b451fcd60de">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just wanted to give an update:  I talked to him after work and asked him if he truly wanted to get married.  He said he was and that he was ready to commit and be a husband.  I asked him what made him change his mind in the past month, and he said he'd been thinking about it a lot.  Later on that night, I was talking about marriage to him and he wasn't really acting interested.  I asked him why he wasn't, and he told me he was tired of hearing about it.  I told him that I felt like he would only hate talking about it, if it was something that he didn't really want.  He went off on me and told me that he didn't want to get married and he hates marriage and doesn't believe in it, because of how his parent's marriage was (and how his mom's current marriage is).  He told me that I didn't care about what he wanted.  I told him that I'd asked him twice if he truly wanted to get married, and that he had lied and said yes.  He just ignored me and told me to get out of his life.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry that's how this ended.  But I hope that after you grieve you'll recognize that this was for the best.  You and your little one deserve so much more.

    I'd tell you a good story, but it isn't mine to tell.  I do hope Bri can come back and share it.

    Stick around.  We have some great women who've been through some pretty nasty breakups.  Me and Bri are I think the two most recent who've stuck around.  I broke off an engagement last fall after another girl on here gave me some very good advice and shared her story.  We're pretty good about support here - especially during rough times.  So hang around.  We also love baby pictures :)
    I french with my man
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:9ce6b37a-323a-4a3d-8af6-5b451fcd60de">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just wanted to give an update:  I talked to him after work and asked him if he truly wanted to get married.  He said he was and that he was ready to commit and be a husband.  I asked him what made him change his mind in the past month, and he said he'd been thinking about it a lot.  Later on that night, I was talking about marriage to him and he wasn't really acting interested.  I asked him why he wasn't, and he told me he was tired of hearing about it.  I told him that I felt like he would only hate talking about it, if it was something that he didn't really want.  He went off on me and told me that he didn't want to get married and he hates marriage and doesn't believe in it, because of how his parent's marriage was (and how his mom's current marriage is).  He told me that I didn't care about what he wanted.  I told him that I'd asked him twice if he truly wanted to get married, and that he had lied and said yes.  He just ignored me and told me to get out of his life.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    I'm gonna fill you in on something that you don't know right now. And I'm not saying this to be snarky...I'm being sincere. You, and your baby, are going to be OK. I promise you. Right now your world is falling down around you. I get that. I've been right where you're standing. But after you have had your time to grieve, you're going to be ok.

    When my father left us (on my birthday!) my brother said something to my mother that changed her world. He simply said, "Momma, sometimes you gotta fake it, till you make it." She had allowed herself to fall so deep into depression that she was dying. Literally. Dying.

    For your kid's sake, promise me you won't check out. I remember being absolutely terrified that I was going to lose both my parents in that time. I have a feeling you're not going to go down that path. You seemed to know that this wasn't the right relationship, before you had that talk. You just really needed to hear him comfirm that. And now he has.

    So, be sad-we understand. Get angry! (I'll be happy to donkey kick him in the balls, if that helps.) and then-if you're in NoVA- come have cupcakes with me and Peek. Trust me, cupcakes make <strong>everything</strong> better.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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    I'll tell my story.

    It starts with - you & your son deserve SO much more than this poor excuse for a man.

    My biological father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. My mother was devistated, as one would expect. She was 20 years old, living with her parents, and pregnant. Fast forward three years. She got back in touch with a man, who she had dated in high school, and had a drop down, blow out, "I'm never speaking to you again" breakup with. He was in town. They got together. She told him "I'm a package deal now."

    He met me. My mom told me that she knew that he was The One when he fell in love with me before he fell in love with her. They got married when I was six. He adopted me. And I couldn't have asked for a better Dad. I feel extremely lucky that I had a hand in picking out my daddy.

    The moral of the story - this guy doesn't deserve you or your son. You WILL find someone who will love you and, more importantly, love your son as if he was his own. You will be happy, I promise you. There is someone out there who wants to marry you, and he will tell you without you having to ask. You'll be okay, and your son will be much better off for you waiting for the right one, instead of settling with someone who doesn't really want to be there.

    Hang in there. You're gonna be alright :-)



    *******************************************************************************************




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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:4479d412-79f7-4634-8722-2115b6bae9f7">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being ridiculous? : I'm gonna fill you in on something that you don't know right now. And I'm not saying this to be snarky...I'm being sincere. You, and your baby, are going to be OK. I promise you. Right now your world is falling down around you. I get that. I've been right where you're standing. But after you have had your time to grieve, you're going to be ok. When my father left us (on my birthday!) my brother said something to my mother that changed her world. He simply said, "Momma, sometimes you gotta fake it, till you make it." She had allowed herself to fall so deep into depression that she was dying. Literally. Dying. For your kid's sake, promise me you won't check out. I remember being absolutely terrified that I was going to lose both my parents in that time. I have a feeling you're not going to go down that path. You seemed to know that this wasn't the right relationship, before you had that talk. You just really needed to hear him comfirm that. And now he has. So, be sad-we understand. Get angry! (I'll be happy to donkey kick him in the balls, if that helps.) and then-<strong>if you're in NoVA- come have cupcakes with me and Peek. Trust me, cupcakes make everything better.
    </strong>Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

    Truefax.  I'll even buy you your first cupcake orgasm.  They exist.  I promise.  And then we'll go have wine.  I'll even provide free babysitting.  My mom loves little ones.  And I'm sure Bean's BF/son would love some company :)
    I french with my man
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:2b1f9821-6a57-4773-b35a-16b301555866">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'll tell my story. It starts with - you & your son deserve SO much more than this poor excuse for a man. My biological father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. My mother was devistated, as one would expect. She was 20 years old, living with her parents, and pregnant. Fast forward three years. She got back in touch with a man, who she had dated in high school, and had a drop down, blow out, "I'm never speaking to you again" breakup with. He was in town. They got together. She told him "I'm a package deal now." He met me. My mom told me that she knew that he was The One when he fell in love with me before he fell in love with her. They got married when I was six. He adopted me. And I couldn't have asked for a better Dad. I feel extremely lucky that I had a hand in picking out my daddy. The moral of the story - this guy doesn't deserve you or your son. You WILL find someone who will love you and, more importantly, love your son as if he was his own. You will be happy, I promise you. There is someone out there who wants to marry you, and he will tell you without you having to ask. You'll be okay, and your son will be much better off for you waiting for the right one, instead of settling with someone who doesn't really want to be there. Hang in there. You're gonna be alright :-)
    Posted by BriSox81[/QUOTE]

    one of my best girlfriend's has this same story.  her bio dad left her mom and older brother when her mom was 7 months pregnant.  a few years later, her ex-in-laws set her mom up with a guy that would eventually become her H.  when he proposed, he asked the children's permission to marry their mom and become their daddy.  he never officially adopted them (her dad didn't want to give up rights), but he's the one they call "Dad".  he walked my friend down the aisle.  he is the mainstay in their lives.  he is their DAD.

    I can't imagine being 7 months pregnant, have a 3 year old little boy, and waking up one morning to find your H has packed up his stuff and left with no word.  but my friend's mom had a great support system.  thankfully, it included her ex-in-laws.  they treat her current husband like their own son.  they've been married for 20 years and have provided a stable and loving home for 3 children.  I'm sure at the time he left, my friend's mom felt like her world fell apart and that she couldn't do it on her own.  but she didn't have to do it on her own, and you don't either.

    I know it's hard, but try to look to the future.  right now sucks, but it's just temporary and a transition for something better.  we are here to listen to you, if you want to vent or cry or complain or get mad... whatever!  you deserve someone who will love you, love your son, and move the sun, moon, and stars to provide for your family.  you don't need a man to be happy or fulfilled right now.  you can do it!  :)
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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:2b1f9821-6a57-4773-b35a-16b301555866">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'll tell my story. It starts with - you & your son deserve SO much more than this poor excuse for a man. My biological father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. My mother was devistated, as one would expect. She was 20 years old, living with her parents, and pregnant. Fast forward three years. She got back in touch with a man, who she had dated in high school, and had a drop down, blow out, "I'm never speaking to you again" breakup with. He was in town. They got together. She told him "I'm a package deal now." He met me. My mom told me that she knew that he was The One when he fell in love with me before he fell in love with her. They got married when I was six. He adopted me. And I couldn't have asked for a better Dad. I feel extremely lucky that I had a hand in picking out my daddy. The moral of the story - this guy doesn't deserve you or your son. You WILL find someone who will love you and, more importantly, love your son as if he was his own. You will be happy, I promise you. There is someone out there who wants to marry you, and he will tell you without you having to ask. You'll be okay, and your son will be much better off for you waiting for the right one, instead of settling with someone who doesn't really want to be there. Hang in there. You're gonna be alright :-)
    Posted by BriSox81[/QUOTE]

    My story is pretty similar to Bri's in a lot of ways. It's more extreme than your case, I'm sure, but I hope it will help.

    My mom married an abusive asshole when she was 24. Not that she knew what he was like at the time. They had two babies together, myself and my younger sister.

    My biological father cheated on my mom all the time. He slept with hookers on their honeymoon. He gave my mom crabs. He spent the birth of my sister looking for scrubs to steal for his girlfriend, because she'd asked him to "grab some while he was there". He smacked her around, and told her she was worthless. He was a BAD.DUDE.

    She put up with it for three years. She figured, since he wasn't hurting me, it wasn't all bad.

    One day, she was driving him around (at 9 months pregnant) because he was drunk. She stopped at a red light. He started smacking her, saying, "You dumb b*tch, why are you stopping! We're in a rush!" She was fending him off as best she could, when she caught my eye in the rearview mirror. She said I was just watching the whole scene calmly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Something clicked in her head, and she thought, "There is NO WAY I'm letting my baby girl grow up thinking that this is okay."

    Two weeks later, she had another healthy baby girl, and her ex husbad was on his way out of the state on a bus that her sister and father were following to make sure he crossed state lines and didn't come back.

    Meanwhile, she had met this guy named Tony at the church she went to. Tony had a big crush on her, and had thought to himself many times, "That woman and those beautiful babies deserve so much more than that creep. They are everything I've ever wanted for myself, and I would be honored to have them in my life."

    Fast forward 24 years - mom and Tony are still very happily married. Only I don't call him Tony, I call him Dad. Because he's the only dad I've ever had, and he set such an amazing example for me of the kind of man that I deserve, that I met and fell in love with that cutie in my siggy.

    ETA: I forgot to add that after they had been dating a while and my dad decided to propose to my mom, he got her a 3-stone diamond ring to signify that he was "proposing" not only to her, but to her two babies as well. He asked my permission to marry her before he proposed - "I would like to marry Mommy and be your Daddy forever and ever- is that okay with you?" I blew the proposal by telling my mom about it, but that's beside the point <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

    Let me ask you this - when your son grows up, do you want him to find a girl as amazing as you are, and treat her the way your BF is treating you? Do you want to stay with him, have a daughter, and have her grow up thinking that men are supposed to treat the women they claim to love this way?

    Like other's have said, everything WILL be okay. Your life and everything you want and need will fall into place, as long as you are doing the best by yourself and your baby as you possibly can. You're stonger than you think - the things you have already said show that.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:9ce6b37a-323a-4a3d-8af6-5b451fcd60de">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just wanted to give an update:  I talked to him after work and asked him if he truly wanted to get married.  He said he was and that he was ready to commit and be a husband.  I asked him what made him change his mind in the past month, and he said he'd been thinking about it a lot.  Later on that night, I was talking about marriage to him and he wasn't really acting interested.  I asked him why he wasn't, and he told me he was tired of hearing about it.  I told him that I felt like he would only hate talking about it, if it was something that he didn't really want.  He went off on me and told me that he didn't want to get married and he hates marriage and doesn't believe in it, because of how his parent's marriage was (and how his mom's current marriage is).  He told me that I didn't care about what he wanted.  I told him that I'd asked him twice if he truly wanted to get married, and that he had lied and said yes.  He just ignored me and told me to get out of his life.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    I sorry to hear that is he the jerk that we all figured.

    Im not sure if someone posted this yet but, you NEED to get a legal child support order with your court system. If you don't he has the ability to stop sending you money to pay for things that your child needs. You also need to get a custody and placement order put in place in case he does say he wants to see his child (without that and not trying to scare you but he could come to your state ask to have him over night, and take him, I've seen it before with my job as a paralegal for a family law attorney). Do it where you live, not where he lives and do it soon, for your child's sake. 

     

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    edited May 2012
    I'm going to ask you something that may sound a little cruel, but in light of what you said happened after work, it might help you right now.

    IF you never had a child with this man, would you be going through this right now? By that I mean, if there were no child in the picture, would you have put up with all of this and still wanted to marry him? Honestly?

    It sounds like you want to make this work because you have a child. You say you love him very much, but is that love tied to your child? If you didn't have anything linking the two of you, would you still love him and be insisting to get the ring before you move back in with him?

    I absolutely get why you want to. I don't think many people get into a relationship, then get pregnant and want things to end the way they do. But marrying him because you have a child with him is not going to change things. It's not the reason you should love him. It's not the reason you should be with him. I have 3 bridesmaids in my wedding who have children and are not with the biological father. Two of them have found men who love them and the child and have formed their own family. 1 is still looking. There's nothing wrong with that. It's scary when you are young and have a kid. It's easy to think you should just be with the father, but that's not always the case.

    I think you maybe need to think about this in terms of the conversation you just had with him. It might help you to put some things in perspective and to be honest with yourself as to why you love him.

    Side Note: My sister had a baby when she was 18. She and my nephew's father broke up soon afterward. They had an on and off relationship from the beginning. After emotions calmed down, my nephews father told us that he really wanted to make things work, he tried and put his all into it but he realized that they have too many differences and he didn't want to string her along. At the same time, my sister realized the same thing. My nephew is now 3. While my sister and his father have had their share of battles since his birth, they are at a good place and have been there for over a year. My nephews father pays child support, but their custody agreement is between them and they are both equal partners in raising him. They are happy and he is happy because his parents are.

    I get your situation is different because of the physical distance between you two, but there are ways for your child to have a family without you two being together.

    ... as for the ring thing. I'm 28. When I was 22 I wanted either the 3 carat Cala Lily diamond, or a 2 carat princess cut center ring, with another carat of diamonds on the band on either side of the center stone...
    ... my FI proposed Christmas Eve 2010. My ring is a half carat princess cut solitare. I LOVE IT and I would never trade it for anything else. I still stare at it when no one is looking. It's not about the ring. It's about everything behind it...
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    I'm annoyed that after some of us told our very personal stories in support, Eloping never came back.



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    ComipaComipa member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    All I can say to all this is that if Eloping and her man are having such sevear fights over talking about getting married, actually DOING it will only make those fights worse. For the sake of the child both parents must always be in contact, but by no means must they live together or be married. 

    Sometimes it's just not a good idea. Eloping, I'm sorry your man is too immature to handle that kind of responsibility. I agree with your stance on the rings. I believe they are an important symbol of his commitment to you and you to him. Payment plans and splitting the cost of them shows you are willing to put make the compromises a real relationship takes. 

    Yes a place to live and a stable home life are important too. Moreso usually. But that doesn't mean you can't get cheaper rings. Something where monthly payments are doable.

    My impression in all this is that he wants you to do all the compromising. That's the way a child thinks. You may be ready for marraige, but he certainly isn't.
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    I think people need to be a little nicer about the whole ring thing... the way I see it, the ring just symbolizes to you some sort of physical sign of commitment. It has almost nothing to do with you mongering over some piece of metal. It's what the ring would mean to you. Maybe it also has to do with the desire to have some control and "say so" in what you want out of the marriage. 

    So I can understand why you are so set on the ring. Hyperfocusing, if you will. I don't think its ridiculous or stupid or that you are being fixated on this for some unnecessary reason. There is reason behind it, but its larger than just the ring. So all the people trashing on you about it, just ignore it. 

    Aside from that, I would seriously consider the posts of these other people. If your friend of sister was telling you the same story, what advice would you offer them? Try to be objective. We only know so much about the situation from the information that has been provided to us. but from what I have read, it doesn't sound like you have a promising future with this man. It sounds like you are settling.  
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