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Am I being ridiculous?

I wasn't sure exactly where to post this.  I told my boyfriend over a year ago that I wanted to get married and I never felt like he took it seriously.  We were living together at the time and I ended up moving out.  We've had some rough moments since then, but we both feel like our relationship is getting better.  We have an almost 2 year old together and my boyfriend misses him terribly, especially since we live several states away. 

 The past few months he'd been begging me to move back in with him and I told him that I wanted to be married first, and he said he wasn't ready yet.  I told him that  I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and if he didn't, then I definitely wasn't going to waste money moving back in with him.  We both held our ground, but over the weekend he finally told me he was ready to go to the courthouse and get married. 

I'd always dreamed of a big wedding, with a perfect proposal and having everything done the traditional way.  I've lowered my standards a lot for him, by saying that I was ok with a quick courthouse wedding, BUT I did want to have my rings.  He got angry and said I was the most difficult person ever.  He says we should get rings "later" and worry about moving costs first.  I agree that finding a place to live is important, but so is my happiness.  He's done things for his ex's (such as fancy gifts and flowers) that he won't do for me, and I've settled for it, but I'm refusing to get married without rings.  My dad got my mom a "starter" ring and said he'd buy one later, and 20+ years later, she still has the same ring.  

Since being with my boyfriend, I've learned that he procrasinates on everything, until he knows there will be consequences to not getting it done.  I feel like there will always be something more important than buying rings, and he will never get them.  I talked to him about us splitting the cost of the ring, and I told him that some of the websites I've looked at, offer payment plans, and he seems a little bit more on board with it.

I just hope I'm not being crazy by saying I won't move in with him until we are married with rings.  He says he doesn't want to wait even longer to be away from his family, and I don't either, but I told him I've had to wait over a year for him to even consider marrying me, but he says that isn't the same because he wasn't ready.  I've told him that I'm trying hard to compromise with him (by being ok with a corthouse wedding and by offering to pay for half of my ring) but he still says I'm being controlling and demanding.  
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Re: Am I being ridiculous?

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    edited May 2012
    GF, I know you love this guy but honestly, red flags are going up everywhere. Do you want a wedding or a marriage? If he's this way with the proposal, etc, then picture him 5-10 years down the road. Can you see yourself with him then? Can you see him changing his ways?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:223dc96e-3d8e-44ad-ac4c-b453b5af11ea">Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't sure exactly where to post this.  I told my boyfriend over a year ago that I wanted to get married and I never felt like he took it seriously.  We were living together at the time and I ended up moving out.  We've had some rough moments since then, but we both feel like our relationship is getting better.  We have an almost 2 year old together and my boyfriend misses him terribly, especially since we live several states away.   <strong>The past few months he'd been begging me to move back in with him and I told him that I wanted to be married first, and he said he wasn't ready yet.  I told him that  I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and if he didn't, then I definitely wasn't going to waste money moving back in with him.  We both held our ground, but over the weekend he finally told me he was ready to go to the courthouse and get married.</strong>  I'd always dreamed of a big wedding, with a perfect proposal and having everything done the traditional way.  I've lowered my standards a lot for him, by saying that I was ok with a quick courthouse wedding, BUT I did want to have my rings.  He got angry and said I was the most difficult person ever.  He says we should get rings "later" and worry about moving costs first.  I agree that finding a place to live is important, but so is my happiness.  He's done things for his ex's (such as fancy gifts and flowers) that he won't do for me, and I've settled for it, but I'm refusing to get married without rings.  My dad got my mom a "starter" ring and said he'd buy one later, and 20+ years later, she still has the same ring.   Since being with my boyfriend, I've learned that he procrasinates on everything, until he knows there will be consequences to not getting it done.  I feel like there will always be something more important than buying rings, and he will never get them.  I talked to him about us splitting the cost of the ring, and I told him that some of the websites I've looked at, offer payment plans, and he seems a little bit more on board with it. I just hope I'm not being crazy by saying I won't move in with him until we are married with rings.  He says he doesn't want to wait even longer to be away from his family, and I don't either, but I told him I've had to wait over a year for him to even consider marrying me, but he says that isn't the same because he wasn't ready.  I've told him that I'm trying hard to compromise with him (by being ok with a corthouse wedding and by offering to pay for half of my ring) but he still says I'm being controlling and demanding.  
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    None of this sounds okay to me. Esp since you told him you wont move in until you are married, he said he wasn't ready and now randomly he wants to just go to the courthouse and get it done and over with?

    Theres more to it, sorry if this sounds mean. But it doesn't seem like something good. Is he paying you child support? If he really wants to be with you and be a family then he wouldn't think twice about getting engaged and having a wedding, but most importantly, being married to you.

     

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    edited May 2012
    He isn't paying child support legally (by legally, I mean court ordered).  He just sends me money when he gets paid and pays for our insurance and our son's babysitter.  As I was typing that, I was questioning some of the things he said last night.  I feel like he acts like I'm always at fault with things like this.  He said I was being controlling and demanding, but all I said was "I'm not marrying you until we have rings, so we can start saving now," I never said anything like "go buy me a ring now."  When he said that I had to have everything my way, I told him how I'd compromised and that we both had different opinions (me not wanting to get married until we had a ring, and him wanting to get us a place to live first) but he still said that I was being unfair.  I just can't win for losing.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:223dc96e-3d8e-44ad-ac4c-b453b5af11ea">Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't sure exactly where to post this.  I told my boyfriend over a year ago that I wanted to get married and I never felt like he took it seriously.  We were living together at the time and I ended up moving out.  We've had some rough moments since then, but we both feel like our relationship is getting better.  We have an almost 2 year old together and my boyfriend misses him terribly, especially since we live several states away.   The past few months he'd been begging me to move back in with him and I told him that I wanted to be married first, and <strong>he said he wasn't ready yet</strong>.  I told him that  I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and if he didn't, then I definitely wasn't going to waste money moving back in with him.  We both held our ground, but over the weekend he finally told me he was ready to go to the courthouse and get married.  I'd always dreamed of a big wedding, with a perfect proposal and having everything done the traditional way.  <strong>I've lowered my standards a lot for him, by saying that I was ok with a quick courthouse wedding,</strong> BUT I did want to have my rings. <strong> He got angry and said I was the most difficult person ever</strong>.  He says we should get rings "later" and worry about moving costs first.  I agree that finding a place to live is important, but so is my happiness.  He's done things for his ex's (such as fancy gifts and flowers) that he won't do for me, and I've settled for it, but I'm refusing to get married without rings.  My dad got my mom a "starter" ring and said he'd buy one later, and 20+ years later, she still has the same ring.   <strong>Since being with my boyfriend, I've learned that he procrastinates on everything, until he knows there will be consequences to not getting it done</strong>.  I feel like there will always be something more important than buying rings, and he will never get them.  I talked to him about us splitting the cost of the ring, and I told him that some of the websites I've looked at, offer payment plans, and he seems a little bit more on board with it. I just hope I'm not being crazy by saying I won't move in with him until we are married with rings.  He says he doesn't want to wait even longer to be away from his family, and I don't either, but I told him I've had to wait over a year for him to even consider marrying me, but he says that isn't the same because he wasn't ready.  I've told him that I'm trying hard to compromise with him (by being ok with a courthouse wedding and by offering to pay for half of my ring) but <strong>he still says I'm being controlling and demanding</strong>.  
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    Eloping - It sounds like you may want to take a step back and seriously consider where your relationship stands. It sounds like you two have been living in different states for about a year? I once heard a quote that said "When people tell you who they truly are, listen". It appears from your post that your guy is telling you he is still not ready for marriage. He wants to live closer to you and your child, but I think your ultimatum is forcing him into a marriage that he is not prepared for. If you wouldn't consider moving to be closer to him without marriage, why would you even be considering marriage right now? Please take some time to think this through. Marrying someone does not fix the problems already existing in your relationship...in fact, in most cases it only exaggerates them. Fix your relationship first, then work together towards a marriage if that's what's next.
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    I agree that there seems to be more at stake than whether to get married or not. 

    If I were in your shoes, I'd wait.  I don't want to get married to someone who's just getting married to appease me.  I also question whether your BF has been there for your son while you've been states away?  It's hard to do, but it's still his responsibility.

    Good luck with this.  It's a ridiculously difficult situation
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:223dc96e-3d8e-44ad-ac4c-b453b5af11ea">Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't sure exactly where to post this.  I told my boyfriend over a year ago that I wanted to get married and <font color="#ff0000">I never felt like he took it seriously.</font>  We were living together at the time and I ended up moving out.  We've had some rough moments since then, but we both feel like our relationship is getting better.  We have an almost 2 year old together and my boyfriend misses him terribly, especially since we live several states away.   The past few months he'd been begging me to move back in with him and <font color="#ff0000">I told him that I wanted to be married first, and he said he wasn't ready yet.</font>  I told him that  I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and if he didn't, then I definitely wasn't going to waste money moving back in with him.  We both held our ground, but over the weekend he finally told me<font color="#ff0000"> he was ready to go to the courthouse and get married</font>.  I'd always dreamed of a big wedding, with a perfect proposal and having everything done the traditional way.  <font color="#ff0000">I've lowered my standards a lot for him</font>, by saying that I was ok with a quick courthouse wedding, BUT I did want to have my rings.  <font color="#ff0000">He got angry and said I was the most difficult person ever</font>.  He says we should get rings "later" and worry about moving costs first.  I agree that finding a place to live is important, but so is my happiness.  <font color="#ff0000">He's done things for his ex's (such as fancy gifts and flowers) that he won't do for me, and I've settled for it, but I'm refusing to get married without rings. </font> <strong>My dad got my mom a "starter" ring and said he'd buy one later, and 20+ years later, she still has the same ring</strong>.   Since being with my boyfriend,<font color="#ff0000"> I've learned that he procrasinates on everything, until he knows there will be consequences to not getting it done</font>. <strong> I feel like there will always be something more important than buying rings, and he will never get them</strong>.  I talked to him about us splitting the cost of the ring, and I told him that some of the websites I've looked at, offer payment plans, and he seems a little bit more on board with it. I just hope I'm not being crazy by saying<strong> I won't move in with him until we are married with rings.</strong> <font color="#ff0000"> He says he doesn't want to wait even longer to be away from his family, and I don't either, but I told him I've had to wait over a year for him to even consider marrying me, but he says that isn't the same because he wasn't ready.  I've told him that I'm trying hard to compromise with him (by being ok with a corthouse wedding and by offering to pay for half of my ring) but he still says I'm being controlling and demanding</font>.  
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    Red = Red flags.
    Bold = we'll come back to that.

    What I'm hearing is that you told him that you wanted to make a life commitment and he didn't take you seriously.  When you reiterated this later, he's not ready.  Until you hold his child away from him, and then he's ready to get married.  That, IMHO, is an ultimatum.  Ultimatums aren't healthy for a relationship.  EVER.  You say that you've lowered your standards for him.  Standards?  Or fantasies?  You say he's done big elaborate things for his exes.  How do you know this?  Did he tell you about all of the things he did for them?  Because, again, IMHO, that sounds like he's holding that over your head too.

    You've learned he procrastinates until there are consequences.  Again, we seem to be heading into dangerous ultimatum territory.  I feel like you're about to call him and tell him "unless you buy me a ring, we're done."

    And then we get to the part about him calling you demanding and controlling.  I can see how he would think that.  You've taken his child several states away from him and demanded he marry you in order for him to see his kid again.  Again, this may not be the case, but this is how I see it.

    I think you both need to get some counselling if you really want to be with him.  But right now, it sounds like you're more interested in getting rings on your finger than actually having a marriage with this man.

    Alright, bolded points:

    1. You aren't your parents.  This took a long time for me to realize, but just because your parents did things one way doesn't mean that it'll happen the same way for you.  And who's to say that your mom doesn't love her ring because your father gave it to her?

    2. There WILL always be something more important than buying rings.  Rings are simply put, jewelry.  You have a child.  You'll always have to put a roof over his head, and clothes on his back, and food in him.  You'll always have to buy things for school for him.  Rings are just a symbol.  In fact, most Europeans don't wear rings.  I saw my host mom wear her rings like three times the year I was there.  72 hours over the course of a YEAR.  You seem to be missing the point of a marriage here.

    3. Again with the rings.  If you don't want to live together until you're married, that's one thing.  Until you're married with rings?  That's shallow.  Plain and simple.
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    I'm with the PP. There are red flag all over this. You have waited over a year for him to be ready, and now that he is your supposed to jump to and do it NOW. I definitely dont think you are being ridiculous about the rings. You are compromising what I can only assume are childhood dreams about a wedding... and wanting a ring should not be his deal breaker. You deserve to be treated like a bride even if you are having a courthouse wedding.

    If you have any doubts about this I pray that you really reflect on your future and where you see it going.

    Praying for you and your decision making!
    xoxo
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    SwazzleSwazzle member
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    I have nothing to add but completely agree with PP. 

    Do you mind if I ask how old you are?



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    @Allusive007-It's important to me that we be married and since he procrasinates, I know he wouldn't feel the need to marry me if he already has what he wants (us living together).

    @Blue & White- He's been a great father and has been there for him as much as he can be with the distance.  

    @Peekaboo2011- His mother told me about the flowers, during a random conversation, and when we took a break 2 years ago, he and his new girlfriend, at the time, both posted about their 5-star fine dining restaurant V-day date on Facebook.

    I don't plan on telling him that we'll be done if he doesn't get me a ring.  I love him so much and don't want to be done, and I will wait for him to save, be ready, whatever, I just refuse to marry him without rings.  I feel like I should at least be able to get my ring, if I'm already skipping a wedding for him and offerring to split the costs.  I definitely don't feel like I'm eing shallow.

    He met me in Virginia.  Said he'd move here but changed his mind, got a job in his state, and I packed up my whole life and moved to him.  Due to some issues that he was having, that were 100% his fault, and preventable, I moved home.  It was absolutely necessary that I moved home and it would've been impossible for me to have stayed in his state (well, I could've stayed in his state, but with no job at the time, I had no way to afford a place).  I had no friends or family in his sate.  So, yes, while I did move his son away from him, it wasn't in a way to hurt him,, and he has had the opportunity to move here.  I've considered moving near him, but I don't know if I want to.  If I hadn't done it once, I would do it.

    I only used my parents as an example, because my mom is the only one I've talked to that has volunteered that information.  She wasn't happy with her ring, but you're right, we aren't our parents.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:fbf862b2-ebfc-4622-b6eb-b6ef47c9f4ef">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have nothing to add but completely agree with PP.  Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm 22, and he is 25.

    </div>
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    You shouldn't marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. You deserve better. You shouldn't have to settle for that and it sounds like you've done enough settling. He treated his exs well, but not you? And you are ok with that? Has he done anything for you? He won't move to where you are to be closer to his child. He wants you to move there. He's not a winner. Move on, find someone who wants the same things you do. Or wait and see if that's him (though I'm betting it's not, and you already know this.)
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    I do want a happy and healthy marriage, and being with him is important to me.  I think if I hadn't sacrificed so much in our relationship, getting married without rings wouldn't be a problem for me.  But I've just gotten to a point where I'm tired of always having to settle, when I truly believe that I deserve better.  I'm always getting the low end of things.
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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:f5010806-d863-4a8a-a1bb-7c85b7265acc">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do want a happy and healthy marriage, and being with him is important to me.  I think if I hadn't sacrificed so much in our relationship, getting married without rings wouldn't be a problem for me.  But I've just gotten to a point where I'm tired of always having to settle, when I truly believe that I deserve better.  I'm always getting the low end of things.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    If you feel like you're settling, he's not the one you need to be marrying.  It will only build resentment later.

    Also, FTR, I can guarantee you that if my BF and I had a kid together, that man would do anything for that child. Uproot his life for that baby? Career change to better provide? Absolutely.  And to be honest, his not stepping up and doing what he needs to in order to provide and be there for that child means he's not worthy of your time, and he's definitely not ready to be a father.
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    Eloping - everyone has really good advice for you. Bottom line from what I see... you feel like you're settling, but as long as he gets you some rings, you're willing to marry him? It sounds like deep in your heart, you know that you deserve better. 

    Also, if you don't even have an agreement to be married to him, why the heck would you make your screenname 'Elopingin2013'?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:c12c7b09-2f0a-48c4-8b13-de97cde8edb2">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Am I being ridiculous? : Eloping - It sounds like you may want to take a step back and seriously consider where your relationship stands. It sounds like you two have been living in different states for about a year? I once heard a quote that said "When people tell you who they truly are, listen". It appears from your post that your guy is telling you he is still not ready for marriage. He wants to live closer to you and your child, but I think your ultimatum is forcing him into a marriage that he is not prepared for. If you wouldn't consider moving to be closer to him without marriage, why would you even be considering marriage right now? Please take some time to think this through. Marrying someone does not fix the problems already existing in your relationship...in fact, in most cases it only exaggerates them. Fix your relationship first, then work together towards a marriage if that's what's next.
    Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

    Very much what she said. ^
    If your BF isn't ready for it then you might want to slow down a bit. Maybe, like others have said, move closer to him so he can see you and your child more often. Not move in with him but move closer? Guys, especially procrastinators, can take years to decide if they are ready or not. Though it sounds like he might maturing to do first...
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    When I first started reading your post, this is what I heard "ZOMG! RING RING RING RING RING GOTTA HAVE A RING!" You honestly sounded a lot like Gollum. Get over the damn ring. A ring can't feed your child or put a roof over your head. A ring can't  hold you at night when the terrors come. A ring is a peice of shiny freaking metal. And metal is cold.

    What you need to be saying is "Dear god (allah, buddah, zeus, etc), send me a man who would lay his life down for my child." You and your child deserve someone who would bend over backward and twist himself in knots, just to bring a smile to your faces and provide a safe home for you both. It doesn't sound like, to me, that this fella truly wants to do that.

     When I was a little younger than you are, I came home from college, pregnant. I was young, stupid, unmarried, etc. And the first thing my mom said to me when I found out was : Do NOT get married JUST because you are pregnant (or have a child). I thank her everyday for that advice. So I'm passing it on to you.

    And don't despair. I remember thinking to myself (right after Bean was born), "I really have to be married by the time Bean is 2 (or 3, or 4, or 5), so that he always remembers having a mom and a dad." Guess what, he's almost 10. And it took me those 10 years to weed out the aholes and realize that my best friend was THAT guy. Take your time and find the perfect man for both you and your child. It's worth every second of waiting. So while he may remember the time when it was just us, he'll also remember that I didn't settle for anyone less than what was best for us.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:940156c6-d448-4813-ae94-b19c3cedc66f">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I first started reading your post, this is what I heard "ZOMG! RING RING RING RING RING GOTTA HAVE A RING!" <strong>You honestly sounded a lot like Gollum.</strong> Get over the damn ring. A ring can't feed your child or put a roof over your head. A ring can't  hold you at night when the terrors come. A ring is a peice of shiny freaking metal. And metal is cold. What you need to be saying is "Dear god (allah, buddah, zeus, etc), send me a man who would lay his life down for my child." You and your child deserve someone who would bend over backward and twist himself in knots, just to bring a smile to your faces and provide a safe home for you both. It doesn't sound like, to me, that this fella truly wants to do that.  When I was a little younger than you are, I came home from college, pregnant. I was young, stupid, unmarried, etc. And the first thing my mom said to me when I found out was : Do NOT get married JUST because you are pregnant (or have a child). I thank her everyday for that advice. So I'm passing it on to you. And don't despair. I remember thinking to myself (right after Bean was born), "I really have to be married by the time Bean is 2 (or 3, or 4, or 5), so that he always remembers having a mom and a dad." Guess what, he's almost 10. And it took me those 10 years to weed out the aholes and realize that my best friend was THAT guy. Take your time and find the perfect man for both you and your child. It's worth every second of waiting. So while he may remember the time when it was just us, he'll also remember that I didn't settle for anyone less than what was best for us.
    Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

    We wants it.  We needs it.  We wants our PRECIOUS.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:46cdefba-17af-4d82-b5b2-85ea54c7975b">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Eloping - everyone has really good advice for you. Bottom line from what I see... you feel like you're settling, but as long as he gets you some rings, you're willing to marry him? It sounds like deep in your heart, you know that you deserve better.  Also, if you don't even have an agreement to be married to him,<strong> why the heck would you make your screenname 'Elopingin2013'?</strong>
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

    <div>He wants to get married soon, like this month, but while I wanted to get married asap, I didn't want to rush it that soon.  I figured that by the end of next year, we should've definitely been able to save up for rings.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:1357d66a-a781-405b-9d77-fba8dc5db047">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Allusive007-It's important to me that we be married and since he <strong>procrasinates</strong>, I know he wouldn't feel the need to marry me if he already has what he wants (us living together).
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    I let this go the first time, because I was hoping it was a typo... but it's procrasTinates.

    Everyone else already gave you all the advice you need. But the editing/grammar nazi in me had to let you know that you NEED to add the "T" in them middle of the word.



    *******************************************************************************************




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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:bd962129-3cb6-4a2e-9342-034310563e5d">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being ridiculous? : He wants to get married soon, like this month, but while I wanted to get married asap, I didn't want to rush it that soon.  I figured that by the end of next year, we should've definitely been able to save up for rings.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    Ok, listen...get off the fracking ring trip. There are things far more important than a damn ring. You don't need a ring to get married. Ring =/= commitment. IT JUST DOES NOT.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:940156c6-d448-4813-ae94-b19c3cedc66f">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I first started reading your post, this is what I heard "ZOMG! RING RING RING RING RING GOTTA HAVE A RING!" You honestly sounded a lot like Gollum. Get over the damn ring. A ring can't feed your child or put a roof over your head. A ring can't  hold you at night when the terrors come. A ring is a peice of shiny freaking metal. And metal is cold. What you need to be saying is "Dear god (allah, buddah, zeus, etc), send me a man who would lay his life down for my child." You and your child deserve someone who would bend over backward and twist himself in knots, just to bring a smile to your faces and provide a safe home for you both. It doesn't sound like, to me, that this fella truly wants to do that.  When I was a little younger than you are, I came home from college, pregnant. I was young, stupid, unmarried, etc. And the first thing my mom said to me when I found out was : Do NOT get married JUST because you are pregnant (or have a child). I thank her everyday for that advice. So I'm passing it on to you. And don't despair. I remember thinking to myself (right after Bean was born), "I really have to be married by the time Bean is 2 (or 3, or 4, or 5), so that he always remembers having a mom and a dad." Guess what, he's almost 10. And it took me those 10 years to weed out the aholes and realize that my best friend was THAT guy. Take your time and find the perfect man for both you and your child. It's worth every second of waiting. <strong>So</strong> <strong>while</strong> <strong>he</strong> <strong>may</strong> <strong>remember</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>time</strong> <strong>when</strong> <strong>it</strong> <strong>was</strong> <strong>just</strong> <strong>us</strong>, <strong>he'll</strong> <strong>also</strong> <strong>remember</strong> <strong>that</strong> I <strong>didn't</strong> <strong>settle</strong> <strong>for</strong> <strong>anyone</strong> <strong>less</strong> <strong>than</strong> <strong>what</strong> <strong>was</strong> <strong>best</strong> <strong>for</strong> <strong>us</strong>.
    Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

    This totally made me tear up. I'm so glad my mom was as wise a woman as you are, and did the same thing for my sister and I, and herself. One of the many reason I respect the crap out of that woman.

    OP, listen to Beanbot. She is wise.
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    I think you need to take everyone's advice. There are many red flags and this boy he is not a man is not stepping up to the role as father or boyfriend. Marriage is not the answer. You do not need to marry your child's father. I thankfully denied a marriage proposal from my baby's daddy because I knew I deserved more. You need to realize you deserve to be with a man who will not let you settle. A man wants to please his woman, he wouldn't want her to settle. He would want to cherish the relationship. Also and this is big, if you are asking us if you're being ridiculous? And then getting defensive, why would you ask us in the first place. Stop being silly and take the advice given.
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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:bd962129-3cb6-4a2e-9342-034310563e5d">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being ridiculous? : He wants to get married soon, like this month, but while I wanted to get married asap, I didn't want to rush it that soon.  I figured that by the end of next year, we should've definitely been able to save up for rings.
    Posted by ElopingIn2013[/QUOTE]

    You clearly didn't get it when I said it, OR when Bean said it.  So I've quoted it here for you:

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:ecb7707d-56c8-4a9d-b44f-a2f0eed95fbd">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Am I being ridiculous? : There WILL always be something more important than buying rings.  Rings are simply put, jewelry.  You have a child.  You'll always have to put a roof over his head, and clothes on his back, and food in him.  You'll always have to buy things for school for him.  Rings are just a symbol.  In fact, most Europeans don't wear rings.  I saw my host mom wear her rings like three times the year I was there.  72 hours over the course of a YEAR.  You seem to be missing the point of a marriage here. Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
    I french with my man
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    Ok, let me blunt, and put it to you in a way you might understand. Shut up about the frigging rings. That is so far beyond the point, its not even funny. You are a flipping idiot if you think that you are making any sense. Your bf is showing you, quite obviously, that he is no where near ready to commit. . Put your child first. Let me say it again, PUT THE CHILD FIRST. I don't give a flip if it makes you happy or not, as a mother, that is the first priority. We aren't bad guys because we don't coddle, and we aren't going to tell you that giving ultimatums are ok.
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    edited May 2012
    I'm not being defensive.  From what you all have said, I see that he isn't ready to get married, and I don't want to get married until HE is truly married.  Ring or no ring.  If he is still not ready, I don't want to do it.  I only brought up the rings again, because cu97tiger asked Elopingin2013 was my screenname.  At the time that I created it, I figured we would be ready by then.  It's not something set in stone.  I never once said that I disagreed with any of you.


    I took his older aunt's advice and told him that I wouldn't move in with him until we were married.  Obviously, I shouldn't have done that.  She and I both knew that he wouldn't marry me if he didn't have any reason to.  I see now that if he doesn't want to, I just need to move on.  I've let the ring thing go.  It was important to me, but it isn't to him, and neither is having a true married.
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    CASK85CASK85 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:3580f3c2-c2f2-4618-baa6-0eafcca9fc01">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being ridiculous? : This totally made me tear up. I'm so glad my mom was as wise a woman as you are, and did the same thing for my sister and I, and herself. One of the many reason I respect the crap out of that woman. OP, listen to Beanbot. She is wise.
    Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]
    Ditto Sousa! Bean, that was such a moving thing to hear. You're an amazing woman. <div>
    </div><div>OP, I have nothing to add that the other ladies haven't already said. You need to take their advice. </div>
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    When you moved out why did you move several states away?


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    doubleSS07doubleSS07 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited May 2012
    PP all have given you great advice.  I think that it would be worth your time to sit down and really think about WHY you would want to marry this man.  I get that he's the father of your child but that doesn't mean that he should be your husband.  Make a list of all the reasons why he is the one for you, not just your kid because he will always be his father, but the one for YOU.  And please, please do not say you want to marry him because you love him.  We've all loved a lot of guys but that doesn't mean you should make a life with them.

    Besides the whole ring thing, which I agree is the least of the problem here, I get the distinct impression that you want to MAKE this work.  No matter what you have to compromise on or give up, you are damned determined to have this work out.  Here's where I think you may have the slighest bit of hope though: you've compromised, you've put your foot down and you've demanded and now you are about the give in because he's READY...but is it really what you want?  If it was, ring or no ring, you'd have hightailed your booty to the courthouse the minute he said let's do 'dis!   yet here you are asking us for advice and holding out for a ring...honey do yourself a favor and don't buy half your ring and don't go to the courthouse if it's not what you want.  Chances are it's not really the relationship you ever saw yourself having either.  

      


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:d87abe4c-a7a2-43da-a3cf-fcc73058819b">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]When you moved out why did you move several states away?
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    <div><div style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:#ffffff;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;border-image:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">He met me in Virginia.  Said he'd move here but changed his mind, got a job in his state, and I packed up my whole life and moved to him.  Due to some issues that he was having, that were 100% his fault, and preventable, I moved home.  It was absolutely necessary that I moved home and it would've been impossible for me to have stayed in his state (well, I could've stayed in his state, but with no job at the time, I had no way to afford a place).  I had no friends or family in his sate.  So, yes, while I did move his son away from him, it wasn't in a way to hurt him,, and he has had the opportunity to move here.  I've considered moving near him, but I don't know if I want to.  If I hadn't done it once, I would do it.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d1cdc4d2-d5a2-4d1b-9af8-ba8e863f4ac1Post:bc3360bb-d977-454c-95ec-65e4bf4887b2">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]PP all have given you great advice.  I think that it would be worth your time to sit down and really think about WHY you would want to marry this man.  I get that he's the father of your child but that doesn't mean that he should be your husband.  Make a list of all the reasons why he is the one for you, not just your kid because he will always be his father, but the one for YOU.  And please, please do not say you want to marry him because you love him.  We've all loved a lot of guys but that doesn't mean you should make a life with them. Besides the whole ring thing, which I agree is the least of the problem here, I get the distinct impression that you want to MAKE this work.  No matter what you have to compromise on or give up, you are damned determined to have this work out.  Here's where I think you may have the slighest bit of hope though: you've compromised, you've put your foot down and you've demanded and now you are about the give in because he's READY...but is it really what you want?  If it was, ring or no ring, you'd have hightailed your booty to the courthouse the minute he said let's do 'dis!   yet here you are asking us for advice and holding out for a ring...honey do yourself a favor and don't buy half your ring and don't go to the courthouse if it's not what you want.  Chances are it's not really the relationship you ever saw yourself having either.     
    Posted by doubleSS07[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It definitely isn't the relationship I saw myself having.  Like someone else said, the more I compromise, the more I'm going to resent him and the relationship.  I don't like how we're going about things and I'm not happy about it like a future wife should be.  He's been telling me a lot that he just wants to be with his family and be a good father and husband, and I feel like I'm preventing that from happening.   At the same time, he will tell me that he honestly does not want to get married, but he's doing it because he knows it will make me happy.  The more I think about it though, I'm not happy marrying someone who doesn't want to get married.

    </div>
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