Future Step Daughters - Gift and "Vows" Ideas?

rachel050182

My fiance has two girls. We are doing a small, quite, very intimate wedding with just us and the two girls (destination wedding). Since it's just the four of us the girls will be my bridesmaids. We got them beautiful dresses they picked out. They are so excited! ) I'd like to incorporate them in the "vows" in someway but am not sure how to do it. I feel like I have to tread kind of lightly out of respect as their mother passed away several years ago. While I know they miss her, I'm fortunate that they are ecstatic about their dad and I getting married, but I want to be respectful as well. Any ideas? Any suggested text or where to get it to give to the officiant? 

I'm also looking into gifts for the girls too. I'd like to get them a piece of jewlery but I'm having a hard time picking something out. I want them to feel like they can wear it now if they want, but be able to wear it later as well. THat's the big challenge because they are 9 and 11 so their taste will change and they are likely to grow out of child sized jewlery. Any ideas for a gift woul dbe appreciated.

Thanks!

HobokensFury

General advice about this around here is it is not appropriate to include children in vows.  Vows are between the husband and wife only.

kaos16

Vows incorporating children always ick me out a bit personally. . . . with that being said, maybe you can all put hopes or wishes for your new family in a bottle and throw it out into the sea or something.  They wouldn't be part of the vows between you and your new husband, but would be recognized as part of a new family unit. 

In terms of jewelry. . . . . a pendant or something on a chain could be good.  You could always get a longer chain later for it if you get a child sized one now.

jmp2004

You might search the board for this topic, because it's been discussed fairly often.  There's a similar thread regarding a stepson about 10 threads down.

AdeleDazeem

For the jewelry part, I'd pick something timeless.  My grandmother gave my sister and I pearl necklaces as children that we wear as adults to very important events (weddings, graduations, etc).

naomikb

I would get them some jewellery.  Necklaces are hard to grow out of the size, whereas bracelets are harder to wear for many years as you grow up.

I would leave the kids out of the vows.  Are you going to adopt them?  If so you could use that time as your "vows to your kids" ceremony time.

Simply Fated

Since you're vowing to marry your fianc, and not the girls, Im not sure that the ceremony vows are the best time to be making vows to them. Any other time, like when if you adopt them or even before the ceremony. Perhaps you'd like to do something with them during the ceremony like the sand thingy or lighting candles? But the actual vows themselves should just be between you and your FI. As far as a gift goes, I ditto that a necklace is the way to go. Maybe a locket with your picture on one side and their mom's picture on the other side? Or a picture of the four of you together? Too sappy?

[Deleted User]

I guess my FI and I are going against the grain. We are including each others children in our wedding. he is saying a vow to my 3 children and I am saying a vow to his 2 girls. they are older, all teenagers.the jist of it will be that marriage isn't just about 2 people but about the making of a new family. Kids will then join us and we'll say a few words to them. Not sure on the exact wording yet but just a promise to always be there for them if they ever need us and a promise to love and support them as they go thru life.
Hope this helps

rachel050182

In Response to Re: Future Step Daughters - Gift and "Vows" Ideas?:

Thank you for your response. I guess people didn't really get the point of the quotation marks around the word "vows" and I was kind of offended by the person that said it "ick's her out". I understand people's point of view that the vows are between he and I, I aboslutley agree, but I'm with you that a marriage is about the whole family unit and not just a man and woman. If you think if anything good to incorporate or have any websites to share, let me know. I'd love to see them. I've done some searching and am having a difficult time finding something.

vexie

Hi Rachel!  Congrats on the upcoming wedding   Last year I married a widower with two young girls (ages 5 & 3) and so understand completely your desire to include the children in the ceremony.  As you've notice, most around here believe you are only marrying the father, but I don't agree with that.  By marrying him you are taking on the responsibilites of full time mother too... and it's a wonderful thing!     We had the girls as flower girls. The, after hubby and I exchanged our vows and rings we had the girls join us at the front and I made some promises to them.  I said something like:   " Today Daddy and I are getting married... and that means we'll all be a new family now.  There are some things that I'd like to promise you girls.  I promise that I'll read stories stories to you, play lots of games with you, laugh together, give lots of cuddles when you're sad, teach you things that only a mommy can teach you and that I'll alwalys love you just as if you were my very own.  I love you both very much'.   I don't remember exactly what I said, but that was the basic gist of it.  We then gave them each a locket with the date engraved on the back.   At that point they sat back down in their seats while we continued with the ceremony.  Later on, we had them join us for the last few minutes of our first dance.   It was such an amazingly special day for the entire family.

Just so you know, last monday was our one year anniversary.  The week before, the girls asked me 'so... what are WE going to do to celebrate OUR anniversary?'  HAHA  I loved it!! They so see this as our family's anniversary and we couldn't agree more!  Hubby and I had our romantic celebration just the two of us, then the 4 of us spent the day at the zoo. We're going to do an annual family celebration too .

Sorry this post got a little bit long... but I just wanted to re-assure you that there is nothing wrong with how you're viewing the wedding.  Plan something meaningful for your family because yes, you ARE marrying into a family. 

Oh.. and also of note... I am very close with the girls maternal grandparents.  They LOVED that part of the ceremony and did not find it disrespectful to their late daughter's memory at all.

smarteepants20022002

I agree with Vexie. In our ceremony we plan to incorporate our children who are all from previous relationships. We are going to unite us as one family similar to how Vexie did. Incorporating children especially if they are not bioligically from both bride AND groom is very important in my opinion cuz after all ou may be marrying the man but your taking the children as yours too!   good lock

coralryan

I wonder if those that are against incorporating step children in the ceremony don't have step children.  You clearly are supported by those that do have them and understand.  I have found many websites that specifically sell "family medallions", etc as gifts for this exact reason.  ....."Your wedding day symbolizes more than the bond between two people; it is the day a new family is created. If you or your fiancé have children already, then your wedding day should mean the same thing to them, a day when they become part of something new. As such, you probably have questions like: How can I include the children in the wedding? How can stepfamilies unite as one? is there a special wedding ceremony for a blended family? And, the answer is a resounding, Yes!  A quarter of all American weddings involve children from previous relationships. Over two million weddings are performed each year, which means that half a million couples need to decide if, and how, to involve their children in their weddings. With so many families blending together, it is becoming more common for the new commitment to these children to become part of the marriage vows that couples pledge publicly." We are doing necklaces for our 3 girls, probably something with all of our birthstones. I'm considering something from Etsy or even Origami Owl with a "family" plate. Good luck! I find it very admirable that people can love children whole heartedly even when they are not their own flesh and blood.