WR Adivce

Hazel_B

So, FI was visiting family in CA for the past 3 weeks. Once he got home we started chatting about the guestlist again because we are working on our STDs.

So, it is basically looking like none of FI's family is coming to our wedding. Out of the 50 people invited from his immediate family, aunts and uncles and first cousins we'll be lucky if we have 18.

I'm having mixed emotions about this. I feel so bad for FI that they aren't coming and it is pretty obvious that he is trying not to show that he is upset. I also feel disappointed and frustrated because we chose to get married in the summer instead of the fall and expanded our guestlist a lot and went through a lot of fights over children to ensure these family members would be able to bring their children and make a family vacation out of it. I knew a lot of people wouldn't come, but all of them?

I know I need to get past my disappointment and frustration, but what can I do to make things better for FI? We have already expanded the guestlist to include his second cousins in Canada that he sees more regularly because we knew people in CA may not come. Family is really important to FI, but what do you do when family doesn't put the effort in?

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry Hazel, but I don't think there is really anything you can do. I personally would feel so disappointed and hurt if the majority of my family decided not to come to my wedding. I can't imagine how your FI feels. With things like this though, all you can do is invite them. Hopefully the people that you are the closest with will make every effort to be there. Just remember, your wedding day will be a wonderful moment for the two of you, regardless of who is or is not able to be there in person.

becunning2

You can't do anything when family doesn't put the effort in. It's crappy, but it is what it is.  Times are tough financially, and that's a long trek to make from CA to Canada, especially if you're paying for a bunch of kiddos.  Console him, but tell him to perk up too:  it looks like he'll have several of his family members there.  And you never know until you get the RSVPs (or call those who didn't). So maybe it'll be better than it looks right now!

Hazel_B

Yeah, I know I can't do anything. I understand that some of them are having difficulty financially but I know not all of them are. I guess I just expected that maybe they'd do some sort of compromise where maybe not all families would come but maybe one cousin would babysit for a long weekend to allow for just one cousin to come or something.

I think the one that hurt him most was his cousin who was supposed to be part of the wedding party, but won't be coming at all now because they've taken in his wife's brother's family.

I guess I just feel the most frustrated because I feel guilt tripped alot about not being in CA enough but yet people don't seem to make effort for us.

bsidebella

My cousin is going through something similar. She lives in Washington but is having her wedding in Florida, where her parents (my aunt & uncle) live. I think I am the only one that's going to be making the trip there. My mom and my other aunt can't afford to fly there from Arizona. My uncle in NY and his two kids probably won't go. My brother isn't going. I think there are some family members on her father's side that will be there, but the guest list is dwindling down.

It really sucks and I feel like weddings are for bringing people together. I feel so bad for my cuz, but she hasn't led anyone to believe she's sad at all. She's marrying the man she loves and whoever's there is there, and a wedding's a wedding.

becunning2

That sucks Hazel.  But I'm sure it sucks for the cousin too who has to take in the wife's brother's family. I'm sure they're hurting too because of unexpected obligations.  Maybe something will change between now and then. Maybe not. But hugs!

Hazel_B

Bside - I'm just sad for FI. I just want FI to be happy with the wedding and I don't want him to be upset when he sees my entire family there and his isn't.

Hazel_B

becunning - Yeah, we've talked about how rough it must be for his cousin. After FI told me his cousin wouldn't be coming, we did focus on how hard to must be for them.  I think it just caught FI offguard because people in CA don't really tell him how bad things are and then he visits and when he sees it he's really blown away. I think that is part of the issue is that we are kept in the dark a lot, so it is harder for us to be sensitive to what is going on.

For example, FI was last in CA in the spring and he said things have really deteriorated between spring and Thanksgiving.

Swazzle

That does suck Hazel but I agree with Cunning, you won't know until you get the RSVPs back & maybe you'll be surprised! 

FI's family is kind of flakey, for lack of a better word, & I was sure none of them would show up at our engagement party (not that would have been the end of the world if they hadn't, really, it's an e-party) but all of his cousins came! It was so nice to see them & we were so grateful they made it especially because there was a freak snow storm that day.  So really, you won't know until the RSVPs come in & they might end up surprising you!

Hazel_B

Good point ladies, maybe we will be pleasantly surprised that people will come.

Word of mouth is just frustrating right now.

yaga - You sound exactly like FI! His family would barely visit him when he lived in LA, so he has given up hope that they'd come to Canada. He was really hoping a wedding might give them a good reason, but so far it doesn't look that way.

rdr - I understand what you mean by flakey. FI's sister told him that she wouldn't be bringing his newest niece to the wedding, she'll be almost about 10 months old then. Apparently because flying isn't good for her. Who knows if she'll change her mind. I seriously almost lost it on FI though. If I use that excuse when FI and I have children and I kept them from going to CA because of "air pressure", I'd be accused of all sorts of things. So, I just smile and nod even though I seriously don't understand.

lennonkdc

Hazel- That sucks, and I know that FI's feelings must be hurt. I'm wondering if it would be possible to go to CA in the fall after your wedding and have a very casual non-reception reception. No wedding dress/ dances whatever (but there should be cake, b/c it's cake!). You could set out your wedding pics and just have a BBQ to celebrate with those who could not make it. 

Times really are difficult, and getting married in Canada means that even if people could afford the air fare, there's always the 'hassle' of getting passports, which can get pricey for a large family. If its possible I would try to find a way to host some sort of small get together in CA post wedding. 

Hazel_B

Lennon - Our plan has always been to have a small reception type thing in CA because some if his grandparents won't be able to come due to health. We just didn't want to advertise it this early because of all the planning and money that is going in on the wedding, we'd really like people to come to that if they can.