Not Engaged Yet

Intro

Hi, all. : ) I remembered how much fun I had posting on theknot.com message boards when I was planning my wedding to my ex-husband and, since most of my friends live thousands of miles away, I've been lurking for a while. I figured that it was time to introduce myself, since it's Friday and I'm in a good (albeit crazy) mood. : ) Anyway, I'm Risa. I'm a 25-y/o grad student and single mother of the beautiful two-year-old I've ever seen (but I'm sure I'm biased).

 

Anyway, my BF and I have been in a LDR for almost a year, now, and he's going to be moving to SE PA (where I live) at the end of this month. I'm excited. Also, I'm totally going BSC! I'm freaking out, because of BF's impending cross-country move, and in order to distract my Type A, completely AR self, I've already created accounting spreadsheets for the rest of this year and all of 2011.

 

All I can say is TGIF and, hopefully, I'll get a little relaxation in this weekend, somewhere between working OT and the little one. And homework. lol

~*~ Risa ~*~
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Re: Intro

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_intro-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee00719f-8ffc-45dd-96d0-ec62b5d628efPost:7e04233a-c692-4eb6-93f1-9eeddcf16c9d">Intro</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi, all. : ) I remembered how much fun I had posting on theknot.com message boards when I was planning my wedding to my ex-husband and, since most of my friends live thousands of miles away, I've been lurking for a while. I figured that it was time to introduce myself, since it's Friday and I'm in a good (albeit crazy) mood. : ) Anyway, I'm Risa. I'm a 25-y/o grad student and single mother of the beautiful two-year-old I've ever seen (but I'm sure I'm biased).   Anyway, my BF and I have been in a LDR for almost a year, now, and he's going to be moving to SE PA (where I live) at the end of this month. I'm excited. Also, I'm totally going BSC! I'm freaking out, because of BF's impending cross-country move, and in order to distract my Type A, completely AR self, I've already created accounting spreadsheets for the rest of this year and all of 2011.   All I can say is TGIF and, hopefully, I'll get a little relaxation in this weekend, somewhere between working OT and the little one. And homework. lol
    Posted by isthsmydestny[/QUOTE]


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  • edited December 2011
    Hello.

    I am divorced and with BF and we have the intention of getting married so I know where you are coming from to some extent.  I have a few questions for you...

    How did you meet your long distance BF?

    Is he moving to PA to be near you or live with you and your daughter?

    What are you going BSC about exactly?

    Have you two discussed marriage or are you just super excited about the idea at this point?


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  • edited December 2011

    To answer your questions, dwest:

     

    1. We've known each other since high school. We reconnected last year, at my best friend's wedding, where he was a groomsman and I was the MOH.

     

    2. He's moving here to live with us. I'm excited.

     

    3. I'm just going BSC. Not I'm-going-to-plan-every-single-detail-of-a-wedding-with-no-engagement-on-the-horizon BSC, just your general, everyday, stressed-out-with-way-too-much-on-my-plate-and-not-enough-hours-in-the-day BSC. I think that it's more than a little nuts for me to have created spreadsheets for myself for all of 2011, when we're barely halfway through 2010.

     

    4. No, and no. I'm very much enjoying new-couple-dom, and have no desire to get engaged/married at any point within the next several years.

    ~*~ Risa ~*~
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  • edited December 2011
    If you stick around, you'll hear me complaining about my five year timeline.  I'm completely looney over timelines and I hate it when something messes them up.

    BF and I are working on remedying me of that.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    You're going from LDR to letting a man move in with you and your young child? If he's been across the country, how much time could you possibly have spent together? How much time has your child spent with him? 

    I'd have serious concerns about this.  If it were just you and your BF, then I don't think it would matter.  But a kid is involved... what if he/she gets attached and then the relationship doesn't work out? What if he can't handle going from being a long-distance BF to father figure?  For my kid's sake, I don't think I would be able to move that quickly.
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  • edited December 2011
    Your first post and mention of going BSC made me think that you were planning a wedding already. 

    I see nothing wrong with being excited about a new relationship.  I do wonder how well you know this guy to move him into your house with your daughter having reconnected with him a year ago and maintained a LD relationship though.  I also reconnected with my now BF that I new from high-school and then started dating him (that was 2 years ago) so I know how awesome it can be to feel like you have been with them for so much longer because you already know him.

    Still, I waited 5 months before I even introduced BF to my son who was almost 2 at the time, we've been together for over a year and a half and have grown a lot individually and as a couple in this time.  We are just now moving in together after having had many future, marriage and family conversations... especially the role that BF will play with my son now and in the future. 

    I'm not trying to tell you what you are doing is wrong by any means, only you can decide what will work best for you, your daughter and your BF.  I just want to make sure that you think about your daughters best interest before your own desires. 

    Best of Luck with trying not to stress too much.
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  • edited December 2011
    Welcome- You sound like many of us here in that term of BSC.

    I wish I could make a spreadsheet of 2010 and 2011. Not having things planned drives me nuts and the unknowns make it even worse!
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would have the same concerns as Noelle if I was in your situation.
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  • edited December 2011

    I appreciate all the advice, I really do. I've weighed all the pros and cons, and my daughter's best interests are always my foremost concern. : ) BF and I have had many, many, MANY conversations (it's something that we talk about several times a week, if not once a day) about the implications for our relationship if he moves in with me and my daughter. We've both weighed all of the pros and cons, and we're sure that this is the best option for us. It helps that we've been friends for a LOT longer than we've been a couple, and that we have a lot of friends in common, as well, so this is something that we're both confident will work for us.

     

    In terms of being afraid that he'll move in, she'll get attached, and the relationship won't work? That's not something that I worry about, because my ex and I are still very, very close (best friends, even) and he's still very actively involved in her life -- he sees her every day -- so, I'm not too terribly concerned about her becoming attached to my BF in a way that makes him irreplaceable. The only man in that position in her life -- and the only one I would have in that position -- is her Daddy.

    ~*~ Risa ~*~
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_intro-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee00719f-8ffc-45dd-96d0-ec62b5d628efPost:523b7fcc-409a-4bd8-bc95-78605fd154f0">Re: Intro</a>:
    [QUOTE]In terms of being afraid that he'll move in, she'll get attached, and the relationship won't work? That's not something that I worry about, because my ex and I are still very, very close (best friends, even) and he's still very actively involved in her life -- he sees her every day -- so, I'm not too terribly concerned about her becoming attached to my BF in a way that makes him irreplaceable. The only man in that position in her life -- and the only one I would have in that position -- is her Daddy.
    Posted by isthsmydestny[/QUOTE]

    Although I also have the same concerns as others in regards to your relationship and how it affects your child, I am SO happy to hear this last part. It's great to know that you and your ex have managed to maintain a partnership and put your daughter's emotional needs first.

    Having gone from a LDR to moving in together, I can totally understand why you're excited. But you must know from your previous marriage that you don't REALLY know someone until you live with them. Please proceed with caution and don't be unrealistically optimistic. I'm happy for you. I really am. But I also feel cautious because there is a child involved and I have lived with other guys who just didn't work out.

    If you've got your heart set on it, then I guess all I can say is good luck and I really, sincerely hope that things work the way you expect them to. I will be one of the first to cheer.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Good for you! Nice to see someone else here that's kinda in my situation. I'm also 25 and a "single" (does it count as single if you have a bf?) mother of two young children who live with myself and my boyfriend. I waited to introduce them to him until we'd known each other for almost 8 months (been together a yr and a half). I was concerned with them getting attached to him, which is why I waited so long, but after he started spending time with them, that changed. I don't look at his relationship with my kids to be any sort of replacement for their father's relationship with them, but rather, a compliment to it. They get the best of both worlds, in my opinion. I, too, am very, very good friends with their father and we work together well to make decisions regarding our children, based on what we mutually feel is best. People don't often understand our friendship and cooperation with each other, but there's no rule that says just because you're divorced, you have to hate each other. So kudos to you for managing the same type of relationship with your ex. It's so refreshing to see. And you're absolutely right, her Daddy is that irreplaceable man (as is my kids' father), and hopefully your bf will be a wonderful friend and role model for her. Best wishes to you all! :)
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