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marriage vs living together,

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Re: marriage vs living together,

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    Umm..do you mean legally? Or do you mean emotionally?
    5/27/12
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    edited June 2012
    There are legal benefits to being married such as tax breaks and other things I really have no clue about. I just know they are there. 

    For some couples, being able to call the man you love "husband" means more than boyfriend; the titles holds a deeper meaning and connotation. 

    Just like with everything else, it's a personal decision. 

    Out of curiousity, how come you're on TK?
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    I think there are lots of reasons why people choose to get married and it's different for everyone.  
    For me I want the legal benefits and tax benefits as well.  I love my BF so much I want to call him my husband and when we have children I want us to be married when that happen.  To me it holds a deeper meaning to call someone my husband versus my boyfriend or partner.  

    Anniversary

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    There are obvious legal ramifications. 

    In a practical, day to day sense, I don't really picture our lives together changing that much when we get married. I could be totally wrong about that, though. Hopefully one of the ladies who lived with her H before they got married will come around and weigh in.
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    Physically I don't think much will change after we get married. I don't expect him to magically pick up his socks, or change the kitty litter once we get married. Our house is already our house, and it has been since the moment he bought it. In apperance we are already "married", in fact, our neighbors had no idea that we weren't already married. Funny enough, a co-worker of mine who has been married for a year and who married him after 3 months of dating, told me that everything was going to change once we were married. Not saying it won't, but since we've been together, living together for over five years, I just don't see much  changing in the physical aspect.

    Emotionally things will change for me. I am looking forward to calling him my husband, our wedding, and just being married. We have also decided that we would not intentionally TTC before we were married. 

    As for the legal aspect - that will certainly be nice. Another thing, and a somewhat important reason, is being family by law. If something were to happen to me, to where he had to make important life or death choices, I would want him to be able to make them for me. The whole "next of kin" thing. I know he feels the same way about me too.
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    For me, it's all about the legal aspect of marriage and it's why I'm a huge supporter of marriage equality.

    Here, this might help...
    http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html

    So while I'm not, like, desperate to me married right this second, it's definitely something I want in the future.
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    SKP82SKP82 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:18873669-713e-4202-a77a-1f55c424ee2e">marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is something I have been thinking about lately. My man and I have been together for ~2.5 years, living together for over a year of that, and just moved into a house, I’m a student and he has been done for a year working so technically it’s his house. We both agree that it’s our home, the next house will be "mine" to get the first time homebuyers advantages again. We are not opposed to marriage but it’s not in the cards right now as we would like a nice wedding not on a student budget (I have a friend who is getting married and we need to bring our own chairs!) The question I have for everyone is:<strong> What makes marriage different than living together?</strong> Both my man and I aren't the religious type so god no longer smiting us isn't the answer.
    Posted by dillfin[/QUOTE]

    This is going to be different for every couple and something you have to determine on your own.  For me, it was important for me to be married before starting a family (and the legal reasons).

    A lot of people will say, "We already live together; nothing is going to change when we get married."  I, personally, disagree with that.  Since getting married, I feel that H and I have taken another step forward.  He's been very attentive and doting (probably the HM phase), but I feel that other level of commitment.  I can't explain it, but I feel that he is fully committed to me and our future family.  I know he was before, but he could have changed his mind at any time, and now, notsomuch.  ;)
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    BF and I (soon to be engaged as I recently found out) have been living together for 6 years.  Though our relationship is not in any way at a standstill, it is the next step in our commitment to each other.

    Think of it like this, a marraige doesn't have to be about the religious aspect. It is the celebration of the love you have for your partner. The wedding, is merely a celebration with those that you love helping with that celebration. It doesn't have to be anythng elaborate, some of the most moving weddings have been those where we went out after they eloped at the courthouse, because "they just couldn't stand to be bf/gf one day longer"

    It's all up to the two of you. I know people that lived happily for 25+ years and never got around to getting married, and that was ok too.

    Either way, dont let anyone influence the decision, if this is something you and your SO wants, then go for it. If it isn't so important, well the phrase "its never too late" comes to mind. You can always do it later on down the road if you change your minds.
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    Both Danser and Lamarrs mentioned tax breaks, but let me tell you, H and I had to pay $600 more this year in taxes than if we were single. For a tiny bit, I contemplated not filing the legal paperwork because I knew we'd have to pay more.

    The US Federal income tax code is not favorable for spouses who earn equal or nearly equal salaries. It is beneficial if there is a large gap in taxable incomes.
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    EC88EC88 member
    First Comment
    I am curious about this as well so I found these responses helpful. I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years and we have lived together for half of that. One of my friends is getting married in a couple of months and has never lived with her fiance (though they have been together about 7 years.) We've been talking about how much will change after marriage. I think that things will change more for her since she has never gone through all the ups and downs of living with someone (even though I think it is mostly ups) and I've already done that. I want to marry my fiance because I feel like it will be meaningful and we will share an even deeper connection than we do now, but I think in a lot of ways things will not change. We will see though.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:2ccbb97e-5f4f-41d0-b5bd-317d4dcd7e0e">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]Both Danser and Lamarrs mentioned tax breaks, but let me tell you, H and I had to pay $600 more this year in taxes than if we were single. For a tiny bit, I contemplated not filing the legal paperwork because I knew we'd have to pay more. The US Federal income tax code is not favorable for spouses who earn equal or nearly equal salaries. It is beneficial if there is a large gap in taxable incomes.
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow. Really? I learned something new today!</div>
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    I once lived with someone for 9 years. But I think marriage is more permanent if you will. You feel settled & i think it brings you closer
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:2a750305-48c1-43f2-9a9e-6e192c690a3d">Re:marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow the response is awesome!!! Thank you all so much! I am more concerned with emotional than legal we already do our taxes together and I get his work benefits as a spouse. I guess I just wanted what others have felt going throught this. Most of the arrivals online on the subject are very one sided. Again thank you and please keep the responses coming!!!! It's interesting to see how others have felt in my situation. As for why I'm on the knot, what girl doesn't love looking at wedding dresses and planning her "someday".
    Posted by dillfin[/QUOTE]
     Exactly lol, i think it's cool looking around =)
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    I'm not married yet, but I know that before we were actually engaged, when we'd begun talking about the wedding serioulsy, it felt different than it felt afterward, when he did the getting down on one knee and proposing thing.  It was like we crossed over an invisible fence, and it was different.  It felt more solid, and people really do respond to you differently when you're talking about your fiance versus your boyfriend.  We moved in together the week of the engagement.  I'd previously lived with someone, but I never felt the closeness and security with that boyfriend that I have with my fiance.  It feels permanent, and better.

    I anticipate the same thing will be true when we cross over the line from fiance to spouse.  I don't think the day-to-day stuff is all that different - we still make dinner together, and laugh at the same stuff, and the things that annoy me still annoy me.  But there is a sensibility about the relationship that became bigger, in our eyes, and in the eyes of society.

    Good luck with it - it has been an amazing journey thus far, and I'm excited to find out how it feels on the other side.  :) 
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    FI and I had to file as common-law this year, and it's cost us about $300 in tax breaks over when we filed as single. I assume we won't get that back once we marry. Our combined incomes put us in a higher tax bracket than our individual incomes would. The whole tax breaks thing is (now) a load of hooey in my mind, although I expect it varies regionally.

    But back to the original question. I want to marry FI because I want us to be a legal family (and not just the common-law). I want to be formally Mr & Mrs HisLastName, and for our kids to have married parents. I also want the commitment of marriage. Fact is, cohabiting relationships are not as stable or committed as marriages, as proven by the higher dissolution rate of cohabiting and common-law relationships than marriages. 

    All those reasons are terribly unromantic, I know that. At the end of it all, I want a husband. I don't think our day-to-day lives will change much once we're married. He'll still leave his clothes on the floor and the lights on in the basement (and then moan about the hydro bill), and that's OK. But I do think our relationship might change a little bit. I feel like it will feel more permanent, and I think other people might respond to us a little differently as well (since society still values marriage over cohabiting). But we'll see! 

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    Life is good today.
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    Being married, taking emotions out of it, is a disadvantage unless you have children. You don't get tax breaks, you get tax penalties. Especially if both are working.

    That being said, I'm still hoping that my bf will ask me. Because I believe, as untrue as it might be, that marriage provides some kind of stability.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    eirwyneirwyn member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    Can the tax penalties be avoided if we file as "married, filing separate" instead of "married, filing jointly"? I know our tax burden will be higher if we file jointly after we're married.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:01af947c-e3eb-4af7-aea1-cf3f2eaf780c">Re:marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:marriage vs living together,: Well thank goodness we are Canadian!
    Posted by dillfin[/QUOTE]
     

    me too!!! go canadians go!
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited June 2012
    H and I lived together for 2 and a half years before we got married, so on a day to day basis, nothing really changed.  We still interact the same way, we still talk the same way, etc.  The only tangible difference was that I changed my last name and we both wear rings.  Other than that, our surface relationship hasn't really changed, which I love.

    However, there was an almost subconscious change, knowing that H is my HUSBAND, not just a BF.  We both have the security of commitment, and the public recognition of that commitment.  It was also important to me that our future children be raised in a legal family unit.
    Anniversary
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:3d87d320-73db-428c-b41d-dab0cf804c80">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can the tax penalties be avoided if we file as "married, filing separate" instead of "married, filing jointly"? I know our tax burden will be higher if we file jointly after we're married.
    Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

    Nope!

    H and I were together 11 years, lived together in our own home for 8 years when we got married.  Nothing has really been different after the first few weeks!
    Anniversary
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    eirwyneirwyn member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:94920077-73e6-41f3-a303-68b23c50754b">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: marriage vs living together, : Nope!
    Posted by MrsKathyC[/QUOTE]
    Rats. Then why would someone file as "married, filing separately"?

    I'm dumb when it comes to taxes. Forgive the questions. Maybe I'll Google it and save the headache.

    As for living together vs. marriage, I echo what the PPs have said. It's a higher level of commitment, along with the public recognition, legalities, permissions, etc.

    His mother is very ill, and I'm getting a lot of the "he's just your boyfriend" talk at work when I ask about time off for the funeral. If we were married, I'd get three days paid, no questions asked. Since he's "just my boyfriend", I'd have to use vacation time, which I don't mind, but if I'm out of vacation time, then I'm screwed.

    Then you get into things like, "What happens if he's in the ICU?" Since I'm not family, I wouldn't be able to visit him.

    I'm ready to be married. I'm tired of the hoops and red tape. He isn't ready yet, though, so I haven't pushed it. He was totally and completely ready to drag me off to Vegas when he lived in ABQ and I went to visit him, but once he moved in, all that talk stopped. It was like a switch flipped. I think he's happy with the current arrangement and that all the marriage talk was due to the romance of missing me so much and wanting to be with me nonstop. Now that we're together all the time, that fire has died down to a spark.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:1082febe-746c-4f9e-afdf-97c6fc191bd8">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: marriage vs living together, : Rats. Then why would someone file as "married, filing separately"? I'm dumb when it comes to taxes. Forgive the questions. Maybe I'll Google it and save the headache. As for living together vs. marriage, I echo what the PPs have said. It's a higher level of commitment, along with the public recognition, legalities, permissions, etc. His mother is very ill, and I'm getting a lot of the "he's just your boyfriend" talk at work when I ask about time off for the funeral. If we were married, I'd get three days paid, no questions asked. Since he's "just my boyfriend", I'd have to use vacation time, which I don't mind, but if I'm out of vacation time, then I'm screwed. Then you get into things like, "What happens if he's in the ICU?" Since I'm not family, I wouldn't be able to visit him. I'm ready to be married. I'm tired of the hoops and red tape. He isn't ready yet, though, so I haven't pushed it. He was totally and completely ready to drag me off to Vegas when he lived in ABQ and I went to visit him, but once he moved in, all that talk stopped. It was like a switch flipped. I think he's happy with the current arrangement and that all the marriage talk was due to the romance of missing me so much and wanting to be with me nonstop. Now that we're together all the time, that fire has died down to a spark.
    Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

    <div>Being "family" legally is very important to me too. I find myself having a lot of health/medical issues and either need him to take me to doctor appointments or have him at the hospital with me. I know that legally him being my FI doesn't change anything from being my BF, but the reactions when get from other people has changed. His boss accepts him requesting time off to take of me in the hospital, because he is aware that we are "engaged". At the hospital, nurses don't give us the "look" when he says "I'm her BF." FI seems to have more weight, and once we are married I assume there will be no more hesitation. Family is family, and that holds more weight than BF and FI.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:3914cbc9-7d2d-407e-a043-e4121e1f4d87">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: marriage vs living together, : Being "family" legally is very important to me too. I find myself having a lot of health/medical issues and either need him to take me to doctor appointments or have him at the hospital with me. I know that legally him being my FI doesn't change anything from being my BF, but the reactions when get from other people has changed. His boss accepts him requesting time off to take of me in the hospital, because he is aware that we are "engaged". At the hospital, nurses don't give us the "look" when he says "I'm her BF." FI seems to have more weight, and once we are married I assume there will be no more hesitation. Family is family, and that holds more weight than BF and FI.
    Posted by LilTexasGal[/QUOTE]

    <div>When I put FI (BF at the time) as my emergency contact on forms and it asks "relationship" and I put "boyfriend", if the doctor/dentist/whatever I'm at types up my responses on the sheet, they would always change "boyfriend" to "friend" and I would get so freaking annoyed. </div>



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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:e37f8275-e133-4c16-8d1e-673cff977225">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: marriage vs living together, : When I put FI (BF at the time) as my emergency contact on forms and it asks "relationship" and I put "boyfriend", if the doctor/dentist/whatever I'm at types up my responses on the sheet, they would always change "boyfriend" to "friend" and I would get so freaking annoyed. 
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    <div>I've noticed this too, and when I asked why, it was because they don't recognize "boyfriend" as anything more than a "close friend" which boils down to "friend". It annoyed me as well. Luckily they respond to "fiance" better. I've always wondered what they would have put had I "SO" as the relationship.</div>
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    I just came back to this post and saw the tax thing.  I think for some people it can be a tax break, and there are when it comes to children and there are other benefits when it comes to financial planning as well.  I generalized a bit.  I know once BF & I marry our taxes will increase quite a bit.  It varies from couple to couple I guess.

    Anniversary

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    eirwyneirwyn member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    When I'm in the hospital or another situation that requires an emergency contact, I list Brent as my fiance because I know that carries more weight. He's aware of it and fine with it. He's not going to get all insane about semantics when he knows it's only to get him more pull with doctors, nurses, my HR dept, etc.

    We didn't do that with our apartment lease or auto/renters insurance, since those are legal documents. But for doctors and work? Yeah. He's way more than a "good friend". He's the primary beneficiary for my 401K and life insurance for crying out loud.
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    When H was in the ER a few days before our wedding, I was nervous about them letting me go back to see him because I wasn't his wife yet (and I wasn't wearing my e-ring either because I'd already had it soldered with my wedding bands).  Luckily I didn't have any issues, but it definitely got me thinking about just how important the legal recognition of being married is....and yet another reason it pisses me off that gay people aren't allowed to get married here.
    Anniversary
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    eirwyneirwyn member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_marriage-vs-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f658c82b-1e06-4a85-9b8a-f05d4874710ePost:6a9023a5-7dd5-4b76-83ce-236648b95599">Re: marriage vs living together,</a>:
    [QUOTE]When H was in the ER a few days before our wedding, I was nervous about them letting me go back to see him because I wasn't his wife yet (and I wasn't wearing my e-ring either because I'd already had it soldered with my wedding bands). <strong> Luckily I didn't have any issues, but it definitely got me thinking about just how important the legal recognition of being married is....and yet another reason it pisses me off that gay people aren't allowed to get married here.</strong>
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    Precisely. It infuriates me that even with something like a POA, gay partners are barred from visiting their loved one in a "family only" situation.

    I wonder if any hospitals have changed the rules to allow for situations like that? I can see how it would be easy enough to make a clause that allows for family and emergency contacts to be able to visit the ICU, ER, etc. Unless there's some legality I'm missing?
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