Doubts about getting married

spinner84

I have been with my fiance for a year and a half, engaged for all of 3 weeks, the wedding is in 11 days. We met in Canada 6 years but he got a job in the US. I came with him for 6 months, tried to find a job, but couldn't, so getting married is the only way I can stay in the US and have a work permit.

I am scared to death that I still won't be able to get a job here. I have 2 undergrads and a master's, and not having a good career is not an option! The economy here is awful and it is much harder finding a job coming from a Canadian university, not having any connections here, etc.

He is a science researcher, so he will still have to move in a few years, and probably another move after that. That makes it really hard to establish a career, especially because he wants to go back to Europe.

I love my fiance but I am not willing to be a housewife or have a crappy job because of his career. Am I making a huge mistake?

lizstill13

Why does your not being able to find a job make you doubt marrying your FI?

I understand you're frustrated, but a lot of people from really good US universities are having a hard time finding a job, I doubt it's just that you went to a Canadian university.

It sounds more like you are afraid of moving around all the time, which is a valid concern, but one that you need to talk to your FI about. You both need to be happy in the relationship and he needs to understand that you have career goals, too. Maybe you can come to some sort of compromise where you don't have to move so often, or perhaps move to a better market for your career. But definitely have this talk soon, before you get married. 

Sloane99

I don't think we can answer that, but I will point out that not once in your post do you comment on your excitement to marry this man. I realize under the circumstances that it's a bit different than you maybe would have hoped, but what do you think, would you have married him regardless? Is this truly someone you want to be with and wake up next to forever?

You have some valid concerns about your future lifestyle with this man, but IMO, I don't see anything deal-breaking if you're both willing to make a few consessions.

As a Canadian that has worked in the U.S., have you considered the TN VISA? You obviously have a university education. I applied for jobs as any other citizen would and explained in the interview that I would need them to sign a letter prior to my start date and on an annual basis after that, which I drafted with the help of a TN Visa kit and it was super easy. This would buy you a year in the U.S., with your FI and make these decisions in a clearer head space.

Jennasourus

i think if you even have a thought that this could be a mistake then it is. It does seem like things have happened very quickly for you and its not good to feel rushed into getting married. I understand being a very career driven women, and i know it would kill me to be a house wife (although for some  women thats what's right for them.. to each is own!) If you feel like you are going to jeopardize  your dreams for him then you really need to be sure thats exactly the life you want. When you are an old lady will you look back and say, i wish i had a successful career? or i wish you had stayed with him? only you know that.  just be honest with yourself!

spinner84

Hey, thanks for the quick replies.

I tried for 6 months to get a job on TN, and the moment I mentioned to them that I would need a letter, it was clear they lost interest. I interviewed for 2 separate jobs at a big company that is known for being immigration-friendly, and they outright told me that they could not get me a TN visa for a job in HR because they did not want to write "management consultant" on the letter of offer for immigration.

Anyway the time is up, I have to leave May 2 or get hitched.

I'm not sure I want to be married to him forever. I do know that I want to be with him, but I'm 25 and forever is a really long time.

lizstill13

Then I would start packing my bags. Seriously, if you have this many doubts and can't see forever, I wouldn't marry him just to stay in the US. It sort of sounds like you're already counting down the days.

psichick

marrying someone for a visa is never a good idea. ever.

spinner84

I've never felt "sure" of anything though - I am a nervous person by nature  and can't imagine feeling "sure" of marrying anyone at any point in my life! I hate that this situation would never have happened if we'd stayed in Canada because I love living with him and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else as much.

Sloane99

Um, then yeah, my advice is the same as pp. I think you need to come back to Canada and get some perspective on this. <aybe you find that you miss him like crazy and you guys work out plans for a wonderful future together or maybe you realize you saved yourself from a huge mistake. Neither of these sound like terrible options.

Have you talked to him about this at all?????

spinner84

I have told him I'm nervous about it, yes! He's more of an optimist than I am so is sure it will be fine, but that's what we thought about me coming here and trying to get a job on TN visa, and that has not worked out at all

If I left at this point, we would break up for sure. The wedding is planned and paid for. His family and friend's flights from Europe are booked. My parents' flights from Canada are booked. He would be devastated - apparently he was planning to propose since December but waited until March, so he had much longer to get used to the idea than I did. (And yes, he knew my May 2 departure date otherwise.)

Sloane99

You really need to separate the job/moving from the marriage, it sounds to me like you keep intertwining the two in your posts

lizstill13

I think a serious conversation with your FI is in your future. You need to explain your concerns and he needs to address them, not "I'm sure everything will work out, it'll all be okay, yadda yadda yadda".

Again, is it just because you think you'll never find a job? Would you be completely devastated if you left him, or just kinda upset? If you can't imagine life without him then maybe it could work, but if you think for a second that it would be okay and you could move on, then I think you have your answer.

spinner84

What exactly do you m ean? I think it's hard because if we get married, I'm afraid that I will never have a good job or career due to frequent moving. I really don't know how to separate them.

cjl5072

I feel like all of your reasons for getting married are to get a vise and because everyone booked their flights and the wedding expenses are paid for...... You said "I'm not sure I want to be married to him forever. I do know that I want to be with him, but I'm 25 and forever is a really long time." That statement alone speaks volumes. Trust me, if you 2 end up together down the road, everyone will still be just as excited for your wedding and you will still have just as happy (if not happier!) of a marriage. It's better to postpone it and be sure than go through with it, be unsure, then perhaps end up in divorce someday. I know that's the worst-case scenario but I feel like you won't regret waiting, but you might regret rushing it...

Sloane99

You keep referencing that finding a job didn't work out, and then implying that the marriage won't - the two are related but not correlated.

It sucks that you couldn't buy more time to figure out if this is what you wanted but presumably you knew that his career may require a couple of moves, so really the only thing that's changed since you made the decision to move there is that your job situation didn't work out.

You seem negative in that you will never find a job in any of the places you move to. Right now the economy sucks, in both countries for both groups of citizens and I'm sorry that you're so impacted by it, but the negativity regarding being doomed to a life of being a "stay at home" wife doesn't seem realistic either. It's not a binomial thing.

Trust me, this may come across as harsh but I really do know what it's like to move to the U.S. with someone that has a job/social outlet and how overwhelming and lonely that can be. I had several days where I thought that no one in Dallas would ever be my friend and I had no idea how to meet them even if they would. I spent my days making the house immaculate, shopping and cooking dinner and this was a huge switch for me. Meanwhile, he came home from a new job that he was all pumped about and had lunch with his new coworkers and all these great stories and it hurt, a lot.

I just think you have to remove the negativity and hopelessness you're feeling about the situation from your feelings from him BEFORE you marry him. It may be that marrying him is the wrong thing to do in either case.

SarahPLiz

If you are getting married for some legal issue, and not because this is the person you are definitely going to be with the rest of your life, then yes, you are making a mistake. To me, getting married for immigration issues too early in a relationship is like getting married in order to have sex. I don't see either as a reason to rush into marriage.

Flame if you must.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_doubts-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:05df8f22-e236-4636-8e78-119afd55e07cPost:464e38ba-8f8d-4b01-a543-dc25a125201a">Re: Doubts about getting married</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are getting married for some legal issue, and not because this is the person you are definitely going to be with the rest of your life, then yes, you are making a mistake. To me, getting married for immigration issues too early in a relationship is like getting married in order to have sex. I don't see either as a reason to rush into marriage. Flame if you must.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds to me like you love him, but it is too early in the relationship to get married, and the immigration thing is guiding your hand.  I don't think marrying him is a very good idea.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Right now.  Getting married too early can be a disaster, sort of like moving in too early.  But it might be right later on.</div>

mb2712

I agree with PPs.. If you love him, you need to be positive that you should marry him.  If you are having doubts, then it shouldn't happen.  I know people have flights booked, and that you have paid for it, but this is a HUGE thing, and you can't just do it because of the money issue.  You need to be 100 perent sure that you want to be married... especially to the man you're engaged to!

megk8oz

Based on what you said, I don't think you should marry him. Yoiu don't really sound "sold" on the idea of "for as long as you both shall live", and whether you like it or not, that's exactly what you're promising to do.

Right now, the US economy does suck, and employers that have the ability to hire are starting to take "work experience" over college degrees, so all graduates are having a a tougher time. But there's no definite answer as to when or if things are going to turn around you'll be able to land a dream career. But, that's also a risk you're taking anywhere you live whether or not you're married.

If immigration is your only reason for getting married, you shouldn't be getting married. If this is the guy that you're really meant to spend the rest of your life with, then you owe it to each other to get married when you're actually ready to.

"For better or worse" doesn't come with the disclaimer "Unless of course you only did this to stay in the country".

redheadfsu

OP

Why are you posting this on a public forum? This can be used against you in the future. You know the immigration process right?  Is an immigration lawyer helping you?

aerinpegadrak

Divorce is more expensive than calling off a wedding, even if you're this close.  And I don't think age enters into it: I'm 23, but I couldn't imagine going through the milestones of my life without FI by my side. 

Your family and friends would rather lose money on airfare, hotel, and all of that, than see you make a huge mistake and be miserable, or just have it end in divorce.

I really think you need to have a serious talk with him.  As PP said, if the idea of breaking up doesn't leave you completely devastated, you're not ready to marry him.  If it's meant to be, you'll get through this, even if you have to go back to Canada.

drileybubeck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_doubts-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:05df8f22-e236-4636-8e78-119afd55e07cPost:464e38ba-8f8d-4b01-a543-dc25a125201a">Re: Doubts about getting married</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are getting married for some legal issue, and not because this is the person you are definitely going to be with the rest of your life, then yes, you are making a mistake. To me, getting married for immigration issues too early in a relationship is like getting married in order to have sex. I don't see either as a reason to rush into marriage. Flame if you must.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

While I can't imagine what you're going through as far as the visa goes, I can completely identify with having a degree and not being able to find a job.  Graduated in May and haven't found anything at all yet - and most of my friends are right there with me.  I don't think it has anything to do with your degree being Canadian, more than the economy is in the toilet.

And you said in a previous post that you're 25 and forever is along time to you... I'm 22 and it's equally long to me and I have no problem saying "he's it forever" because I love him, I'm willing to make sacrifices to be with him and he is, bar none, my best friend, girl or guy.  I want to grow, learn and experience new things with him until he's so old and blind that I have to read the paper to him in our sun room.  It shouldn't be a political move; it should be one of love, honor, respect and trust.  If you are, literally, marrying him to change the fact that you have to go back to Canada in a month, that's unfair to both of you.  Move back and evaluate the relationship instead of heading into something permanent and regretting it.

I'll throw a "flame if you want" on it too.  Someone has to see 22 and roll their eyes.

milly56

I understand the nervousness you are going through.  In my case my FI is moving to the US from the UK so that we can finally be together.  Due to  my grad school timeline I have to stay here for 4 more years at least.  In order for him to live here we have to get married since getting a job in the US as a non-resident immigrant is a nightmare (as you well know!)

When we first starting talking about marriage a couple of years ago I was so scared of getting married JUST to be in the same country.  FI was too!!  But after five years together (three in different countries) we realized that all of the obstacles, moving around, possible period of unemployment once he moves here, etc. is all worth it as we can't imagine spending any more time apart.  It will be a really difficult adjustment but the thought of losing one another is unbearable.

You need to talk to your FI right away.  Let him know how much you love him but make him aware of your doubts.  Can you really imagine yourself back in Canada without him?  If so then you really need to rethink this.  Good luck!

phut_action

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_doubts-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:05df8f22-e236-4636-8e78-119afd55e07cPost:5f74b951-b1fd-4759-805f-2195947d43bf">Re: Doubts about getting married</a>:
[QUOTE].... Anyway the time is up, I have to leave May 2 or get hitched. I'm not sure I want to be married to him forever. I do know that I want to be with him, but I'm 25 and forever is a really long time.
Posted by spinner84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You said it right there, you're not ready. don't marry just to get a green card, that IS a mistake. If you're not sure, don't do it. Forever is a long time. I'm 25 too, so I understand feeling young but you shouldn't marry someone if you doubt you want to. </div><div>
</div>

Sloane99

good luck and keep us posted!

virginiabelle2000

Doubt means don't!

hillaryeggert

What a sad, sad situation.  To be honest, you seem so far from being ready to get married it's just strange.  You don't even know how *his* career and him likely needing to move will affect you, or if you're okay with the fact that it might affect your (lofty) career goals.  Hello?!  That's a huge issue that you should have addressed before even accepting his proposal.

And the fact that you're not sure you want to spend forever with him is just incomprehensible - that's what marriage is: forever.  I have no idea what marriage means to you, but I don't think it's anything like what marriage means to me.

The sooner you call this off, the better the odds that your guests can get some kind of refund on their tickets.

526SadieSadie

Spinner, I'm so sorry to say this but it sounds like getting married would be a huge mistake for you!  If he were THE one, you would know with every fiber of your being, there wouldn't be any doubts in your mind no matter how indecisive you are about everything else.  It's something you would just know. 

millercr621

Big news flash:  Marriage is forever!

It's "til death do us part," not "for the foreseeable future." Frankly, you shouldn't be marrying anyone until you get a more realistic view of marriage.

ainotna

I think it's obvious that you aren't ready to get married.

In regards to not being able to find a job, I would just go back to community college just so I know that I am not wasting my time. I hate being unemployed because I feel like such a waste of life. So I went back to school. Now I have a job, and am still going to school for fulfillment towards a second bachelor's degree. It's just a thought to keep you from feeling completely insane and like a total failure. Because remember--you aren't!

ElleestJenn

To me is sounds like you know that you probably shouldn't marry this person. As pp have said marrying to get visa is always a bad idea. And you haven't been together that long. I'm 24 and am getting married next year, but there is no doubt in my mind that my FI is the one I want to marry. He's the one I would rather be relaxing on the couch with at the end of the day for the rest of my life. 

If you needing to get married because of the visa wasn't an issue, would you still want to marry this guy right now. Not in a year, but right now. Just because you're FI wants to get married and even though he was planning on asking since dec doesn't mean you have to want to.