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April 2012 Weddings

Very Discouraged (a little long)

(Possibly former) fiance and I had a huge fight last night over the guest list.  He has a tendency to be stubborn and selfish and jump into feeling he gets screwed rather than explaining why something is important to him, when I'm not in sync with something he wants.  He was trying to say I need to tentatively try to find out which of my guests are coming so HE can invite more people if we are going to get a lot of regrets.  I said it is far too early to ask people if they might be coming, and for various reasons including space-wise, money-wise, and I'm-not-comfortable-with-social-gatherings-wise, I don't think it is wise to use tentative regrets to prioritize the guest list and/or tack on more people when I had already estimated a certain number of people which I felt was reasonable who would not attend.  I don't trust him that if I let him tack on more people now he will not think of more that he wants to tack on before we sent out invitations in nine or ten months.  (He wants me to trust him, but knowing him and his past behavior, I don't).  Plus he didn't offer to contact any of HIS guests until I pointed out that he also has out of town guests that may not come.  It got to the point where I told him I refuse to continue any further wedding discussion without a mediator.

This is why I didn't want a wedding in the first place other than immediate family.  I didn't even turn on the TV to see Kate's wedding dress this morning.  I just don't care about weddings and am not sure I want to marry someone who is going to be such a brat and insensitive to me when I don't agree with him.
Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.

Re: Very Discouraged (a little long)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_very-discouraged-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:e33fa30c-a3ab-4565-9870-eba8d77ec3cePost:a58bfcf2-8512-4367-bfc7-8ea0860be17e">Very Discouraged (a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE](Possibly former) fiance and I had a huge fight last night over the guest list.  He has a tendency to be stubborn and selfish and jump into feeling he gets screwed rather than explaining why something is important to him, when I'm not in sync with something he wants.  He was trying to say I need to tentatively try to find out which of my guests are coming so HE can invite more people if we are going to get a lot of regrets.  I said it is far too early to ask people if they might be coming, and for various reasons including space-wise, money-wise, and I'm-not-comfortable-with-social-gatherings-wise, I don't think it is wise to use tentative regrets to prioritize the guest list and/or tack on more people when I had already estimated a certain number of people which I felt was reasonable who would not attend.  I don't trust him that if I let him tack on more people now he will not think of more that he wants to tack on before we sent out invitations in nine or ten months.  (<strong>He wants me to trust him, but knowing him and his past behavior, I don't</strong>).  Plus he didn't offer to contact any of HIS guests until I pointed out that he also has out of town guests that may not come.  It got to the point where I told him I refuse to continue any further wedding discussion without a mediator. This is why I didn't want a wedding in the first place other than immediate family.  I didn't even turn on the TV to see Kate's wedding dress this morning.  I just don't care about weddings and am not sure I want to marry someone who is going to be such a brat and insensitive to me when I don't agree with him.
    Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>The bolded part is a huge red flag for me. What do you mean by this, exactly? I don't see how you can have a successful marriage if you don't trust one another. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, so if you could elaborate, that would help my advice. </div><div>
    </div><div>Ok, first, breathe. Just take a moment and think about this. Is the guest list really the issue here? It seems like you are more frustrated with his attitude and how he handles problems.</div><div>
    </div><div>After you and he are both calm, I would sit down and have a mature, serious discussion, no voice raising, no interrupting. Let him talk, then you talk or vice versa. Explain to him, in a calm, non judgmental manner, why you do not feel comfortable with asking people about the wedding this far out, and how it is not typically accepted to do A and B list invites. I mean you can, but it can turn into a headache and will be difficult for you to explain should anyone find out.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also explain how you do NOT invite more people than you think will show, because you have to assume 100% attendance from the start. Yes, at least a few will decline, but a great deal of couples do have attendance in the upper 90%s. Ask him if you can make wish lists, then highlight the essential people (close family and close friends), then add the would like to haves (older friends, more distant relatives, etc) and then the people after that (coworkers, parents' friends, for example). </div><div>
    </div><div>Important questions to discuss with FI:</div><div>1. How many people can your venue/venue you are looking at hold? That is your MAX, NO MATTER WHAT. </div><div>2. How many people can you afford to feed? Look on your local board for the average rate of per plate/head food. </div><div>
    </div><div>No matter what type of wedding you or he would like, you need to know what you can manage and afford. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for your relationship issues, I am not sure I can offer the best advice, other than I think you guys need to talk and come to some understanding about how you handle problems. Maybe some secular, pre marital counseling might be helpful. See if there are any psychiatrists or otherwise certified counselors in your area who specialize in premarital issues, because I can tell you from helping friends through similar problems, this is something you need to address NOW rather than later. Don't sweep it under the rug of wedding planning, because it will rear its head again. </div><div>
    </div><div>Best of luck to you girl. Don't get yourself down. 

    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • mdphdmdphd member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    sorry you are going through this.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_very-discouraged-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:e33fa30c-a3ab-4565-9870-eba8d77ec3cePost:a58bfcf2-8512-4367-bfc7-8ea0860be17e">Very Discouraged (a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] He was trying to say I need to tentatively try to find out which of my guests are coming so HE can invite more people if we are going to get a lot of regrets.  Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]

    You should invite the number of people that fit your budget/venue, and who are closest to you.  No one should be tacking on people in the event of guests saying no... that's called a B-list and it's very rude.

    You're in the right here... you both figure out a guest list that works for your budget and venue, and whoever can't come can't.  Also, it's impossible to predict regrets a year in advance.  Illnesses come up, people lose jobs, move, have babies, and do a million other things that affect their ability to attend a wedding.

    [QUOTE] It got to the point where I told him I refuse to continue any further wedding discussion without a mediator. Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]

    That's pretty severe, and I would say no matter how this works out, you should both consider pre-marital counseling before going ahead with a wedding.  Im a believer in the fact that weddings (and other life stresses) just amplify problems that were already there, so this could be a blessing in disguise to work out issues before you get married. Maybe talking through a third party will help you both realize the best ways to communicate with each other, and teach him how to compromise.

    best of luck, and keep us updated!
  • I'll say a prayer for you girl and I hope it gets better! I'm sorry that you're going through this!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks...we've actually tried counseling before and unfortunately it wasn't very successful.  I was trying to tell him the same things, that we will have to set a limit based on the maximum our venue will hold and the maximum we can afford to pay for, and we will have to finish brainstorming people we might invite and ultimately prioritize who is most important.  But he felt like he was getting screwed rather than that I was expressing a reasonable idea.

    I understand his concern that it will be like a wedding we recently went to where the couple invited over 100 people and only 60-70 attended, but I don't think it will be like that in our case, and we won't lose out money wise on our regrets because we will meet the 25-person minimum based on parents/siblings and wedding party and we don't have to cover the final head count until immediately before the event.  Any regrets will keep it more intimate and leave more room for dancing and be less money out of our pockets, so I accept the silver lining rather than feeling as he does that we need to fill those spots!  (I would understand inviting a certain number of people above the minimum/target if we were paying for a certain number of people regardless, in order to ensure we met the minimum, but that's not an issue with our venue).  I agree that it's inappropriate to have a "B" list, what he's talking about is inviting more people in the first place because we think a certain number of people are going to decline, which I think is also inappropriate!

    I know trust is important and I wish I could trust him on this issue.  He wants me to trust him, but then he frequently says not to "hold him to it" and doesn't understand why, because he won't let me hold him to it, I don't trust him.  And I think this would be one of the situations where he wouldn't want me to hold him to it.  I trust him on other things, but not on this, because he wants a big party and wants to invite people.  I already busted my @$$ and had other problems with him trying to talk him down from 200 people with a church ceremony and big reception hall to 70 people before a judge all in one location, based on how much the church and 200 people were going to cost unless he was willing to limit the menu to cake and punch (which he was not).
    Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2011
    Ok I get it a little better now. I was just confused about what you meant concerning his past and why you didn't trust him. What I am getting is you just don't trust him with managing this aspect of the wedding planning. If you desire to have a say in this, then it should not be something he gets sole control over. My FI lets me run 90% of the wedding planning, but only because he does not care about most things. Any time he voices an opinion or concern, I listen, and if we disagree with express why we want what we do, and then try to compromise. 

    You will have to compromise the rest of your married life, so naturally wedding planning is a good time to start. You may have to invite more people than you want so that he is somewhat satisfied, but he also needs to understand that you cannot invite more people that what your venue holds, and that the more people you invite, the more it will cost you. Asking more people than you think will come is not really inappropriate in my opinion, but if you are inviting 100 and hoping for 75, you must be able to welcome them and pay for all 100 guests should they RSVP.

     I would tell your F more people does not necessarily mean more fun. I guess he is a big party lover, and it can be a great time, but it just means more for you mentally and financially. It means more people you have to thank personally at the reception, more thank you notes to write, more mouths to feed, more tables= more centerpieces, more favors, more everything. 

    As for counseling, what about it did you/him not find helpful? Was it just the counselor's attitude or angle? If so, maybe look into some others near by. Did you not feel like you could open up with a stranger? Its very weird, I know. This is a very common problem, so again having someone you can relax and be comfy with is huge. Was it church or professional counseling? Not to knock you or anyone else who has/plans on getting church counseling, but in my opinion you should also meet with a secular, licensed specialist who is trained to deal with premarital counseling, especially if you are having problems like this. I admit I am not very religious, so that is just my personal stance. It is more expensive than church counseling, but since you are starting to have concerns about the marriage, I would strongly encourage you to try counseling again. 

    *hugs*
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • This doesn't sound good. I agree with the knotties you all may need to speak to each other about more than just the wedding if this is how you really feel.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Yes we do need to speak about more than the wedding, it's an ongoing problem that he overreacts when I have a problem with something he wants.  I think we needed more coaching/scripting than the previous counselor was willing to give us so I don't know if a different counselor would be helpful or if they all tend to shy away from telling you what would be a better way to handle a conflict.  It never fails that he turns around the next day and tries to make it up to me for being a brat, but I'm getting to the point where I wish he would just change his behavior in the first place.

    As far as this particular argument, I think he finally came around to my point of view that we have to be able to accommodate everyone we invite, and he felt reassured when I walked him through the logic that half of our guest list MUST attend so even if half of the other people don't come that means 75% attendance or X many people if we invite Y many people, and he said he was comfortable having Y many people to invite.
    Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
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