some of us have crazy moms, I have...

Cupidsmyth

A crazy grandmother! Background to the frustration: We have decided that we would like to have a pasta buffet for our reception meal. My FI and I don't want to do the "make your own sandwich" buffet line. We would like to give our guests something more than a sandwich to eat and would rather give them something they didn't have to make themselves. I am not sure about anyone else, but my family likes to eat, and a lot of them will come to events like this just for the free food (yes it is sad, but I'm used to it). But some of our guests are coming from out of town, so to feed them a sandwich just seems like we don't care. (please don't "beat me up" because you are doing this, because if it was more casual and laid back, we probably would too) We have expressed that we have thought about hiring a caterer to simply be there to cook the food. The ladies of our church happen to do church event catering and we were told to ask them. This is not a bad idea, but we are "food snobs" in a way and while they are ok, sometimes the food taste worse than hospital food. Here is the crazy grandma part... After telling her at least 5 times that I can think of off the top of my head, that we don't want meat trays and salads... she actually took it upon herself to call the ladies of the church to talk to them about catering the reception with meat trays! Don't get me wrong I love my grandmother but I'm not sure how many times you have to tell someone something before they get it. Sorry I just wanted to share my frustration, I've seen lots of mom stories, so I wanted to just get that out.

tiffanycarapinha

I have somewhat of the same issue except with my MIL... she has set a side a budget for us when we first decided we were getting married... she wanted to pay for the church, rehersal dinner, cake and dj which is really nice.I called her the other day to talk about rehersal dinner options and she insists on going for pizza and beer.Its so frustrating because i really want a nice sit down dinner and a resturant!  If she is insisting on paying for things, she needs to understand that she is helping us out with the wedding, not making the decisions! I feel like telling her not to help us at all!

Leah&Christian09

If she is insisting on paying for things, she needs to understand that she is helping us out with the wedding, not making the decisions! This is absolutely wrong. You need to understand that if someone else is helping pay, they get a say. If you don't like what she's offering, you need to pony up the cash and pay for it yourself. Your attitude screams entitlement.

Cupidsmyth

I really didn't want my mom to pay for anything.  But I love her and I know she wants to help, so I'm going to just let her take care of it.  She doesn't have a lot of money, and in fact she only gets disability, so we didn't want her to pay anything out.  My grandma on the other hand is a control freak and always has been.  If she wants to help, then she can, but she has a bad habit of holding money of peoples heads and then it will come back as well I paid for this so it's going to be this way.  Which is why we haven't asked anyone to help pay for things, or really want people to.  This is both of our second marriage, both of us had a crappy first wedding with nothing our way, so we figure to get it our way, we need to pay for it.  For the bride with a MIL issue... I'm so sorry.  But like the other poster said, if you don't want her to have control, then you and your FI need to sit down with her and tell her that there are certain things you would like to have done a certain way and that you are greatful for her wanting to pay for things, but you guys are going to pay for the rehearsal because you want it at a certain place... or whatever.  We plan to order pizza and have it delivered to the church, since we will more than likely be pulling an all nighter decorating.  Maybe you can compromise and find a "nice" pizza place?  I know they have them here...

tiffanycarapinha

I guess I should have explained more... We had the conversation about rehersal dinners and money etc... I had told her that anything she could do to help out would be really nice but for what we are wanting for our wedding is different then what she wants to do.  She is not offering to pay for it UNLESS its pizza and beer... I understand that she has a say in what happens but she cant decide it.  I had already told her that I would contribute if it would cost more than she had planned to pay, but again.. she wont help out on costs at all unless its what she wants

tiffanycarapinha

and cupidsmyth...If I were pulling an all nighter to decorate I would go for the pizza, but its an earlier rehersal/dinner for me.The place I would want to have the dinner at is actually a really cute place for pizza/pasta sit down...shes wanting to go to straw hat pizza.I guess you'd have to know her to feel my frustration.

Leah&Christian09

I understand that she has a say in what happens but she cant decide it. Sorry, but you are wrong. If she's paying, she gets to decide. If you don't like her idea, your solution is to say thanks but no thanks, and pay for the whole thing yourself. If you are taking money from her, you are obligated to make her happy. That's why so many couples choose to pay 100% for their own weddings now, even if it means waiting a few years to save up.

tiffanycarapinha

No you're wrong.Either way its a screwed situation for me because if I tell her I dont want her to pay shes going to be mad and if she does pay and decides it like you say then im stuck with something that I dont want to do.  Its a mutual feeling between my fiance and I, not just me being a *****. I have no problem with paying for things in my wedding... telling her not to pay is the problem

Cupidsmyth

Tiffany...I get your frustration, like I said my first wedding was not what I wanted.  And even now I have to tell people that I am not a traditionalist and just because some book or "expert" says it should be one way, doesn't mean it's right for you.Is it possible that you and your fiance sit down with her and say we love you, but we want to have a wedding that is what WE want?  As far as pizza, I think having a sit down pizza and beer dinner is a compromise.  So I can't understand why that wouldn't work, but she sounds related to my grandma.  Unfortunately, Leah is right with the whole paying thing.  Some parents dream of the "perfect" wedding for their children, and they start saving so that when that day comes, they can have it.  And for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter what the bride and groom want.  But if you can't sit down and talk to her... maybe go J. Lo on her from "monster-in-law", and have it out.  Whatever happened to us as little girls dreaming of this day our whole lives, and then it get shot down by a wedding crazed parent?

tiffanycarapinha

Thank you.It's been a while since I have seen that movie, so maybe its time to rent it. :)You have to understand this MIL.  She insisted on decorating my entire home when we bought it and was PISSED because I told her that I wanted to decorate it myself.Hence the reason why its hard to sit down and tell her not to pay for something...We have never asked her to pay or contribute to the wedding, when she offered we thought it was a very nice thing to do... until she became very controlling with what she wanted, thats why she doesnt want to go for the sit down verison and wont pay for anything unless she gets what she wants... almost like she is holding money over our heads.

Cupidsmyth

UPDATE:  Just to show exactly how crazy she makes me... just got told that she called the ladies AGAIN today to talk to them about this catering thing.  In which the ladies told her that they have already talked to my mom and have everything already taken care of.  I mean I am ok with her wanting to help, but really... she doesn't get to have it her way just because she knows these women.  She wasn't asked to pay for anything, she hasn't offered to pay for anything and she isn't even involved in the planning.  She is a good reason for us to run off and get married in Vegas...lol

kmmssg

She's a handful.  Thank God for your mother. 

jeannigirl

Theirs been alot of comments about parents paying for the wedding or certain things in the wedding. I look at this from a whole nother way. I am going to be a bride myself soon. I also have a daughter who will be going that way within the next couple of years. I too want to help her with HER wedding not mine, and not what I want for her day. So when I hand over the cash for what ever she needs it for whether its for the Venue or the food or whatever, their are no strings attached or no demands or if You don't pick the place that I want for the reception or whatever I won't give you anything. Thats totally bogus and that is controlling. I may get flamed for this but so be it. Thats my whole take on this. I disagree that parents are controlling of their money when it comes to their son or daughters wedding. I think that they can emphasize that they want them to spend the money wisely and not foolishly. Thats all that I think parents should be having a say on. So cupid I can understand the frustration with your FMIL who is to me being difficult and controlling. Maybe you should let you FI talk to his mother and see if that will change anything. If it doesn't I think its best that he declines the offer of help from his mother if she isn't willing to have the RD the way you want. This is you and your FI's day she already had hers.

Cupidsmyth

jeanni... it isn't my FMIL... that is tiffany. My FMIL doesn't really get involved with us, that is another story all together. We have invited her to Christmas, Thanksgiving, our engagement BBQ, and a few other family dinners, and she has made excuses for every single one as to why she can't come. She lives 20 minutes from us, and can drive 2 hours to see her "bf", but not 20 minutes to see her son. I am sooooo glad my mom is not like that.

jeannigirl

Oops sorry about that mistake. (heeheehee)

chewychigozie

You should go ahead and tell her that you and your FI have decided and want to go with a caterer. But be nice, don't sound ungrateful for her trying to help you. Im sure she was only helping not trying to take over your wedding. If she won't listen get family to help with the situation then you and your FI.

MrsK09

Tiffany, I totally understand, I am also a member of the crazy MIL club!  My MIL doesn't really care where we have the RD, but she told us that if she is paying for the RD she wants a say in ALL wedding decisions!  We very politely told her "thanks but no thanks" seeing as how she HATES everything I've done so far, so letting her have a say would mean starting from scratch!  My FI is the only boy so she has been the mother of the bride twice already and she is used to running everything.  My oldest SIL to be told me to my face "She ruined my wedding for me, it was the WORST experience of my life and I have battled cancer!"  Yeah, her own daughter said that.  This is why we live about 5 minutes from her and we haven't seen her in two months!  It makes me sad for FI, but we can't control wheter she chooses to act her age or her shoe size...

ashleyandjerry2010

I'm in the same boat with my grandma, except not with food... She has gone through her adress book and giving me names of people i need to get the information from, told me what we should and shouldn't register for because sometimes people want to pick out our gifts themselves (ie. she said we shouldn't register for pots and pans because someone might want to pick out those for us). I've come to the conclusion of I'm done discussing everything around her (she's staying with us for a couple months), but it's just stressful... So I def. know exactly what you are going through just with a different aspect on it.

ktjanesmom

I disagree 100% that just because your mom or FMIL or anyone else for that matter, gets to make decisions for your wedding simply because they are helping pay for it.  That sounds like some kind of financial black mail to me.  If there are strings attached to their money/help , tell them to keep it.

kmmssg

kt - I think you right about strings attached. That CAN be a problem when parents pay for the wedding.  If they decide their are strings attached, then you can accept them, or decline the money.  It is unfortunate that there are parents out there who would railroad their childs' weddings in the name of control and showing off.Some of the stories I read on here make me think there are some parents out there who will die old and lonely because of their ways.

bobbiebarrett

Sorry to hear about you grandmother, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one doing the food your self. We plan on doing our own food and pasta I never thought about that. I like that better than sandwich's. Hope everything turns out for you.

single101

Wow listening to yall almost makes me glad that my family would never be able to celebrate this amazing time in my life. What a hassle to have people that support you- albeit odd cases of support- really? beer and pizza? Sounds like a party I'd love to attend!

hillaryeggert

I love these venting boards.  Makes me so grateful for my own family and in-laws!  First of all,As far as pizza, I think having a sit down pizza and beer dinner is a compromise. So I can't understand why that wouldn't work, but she sounds related to my grandma.  (Okay that's just hilarious!)Second, whoever said people actually get to MAKE DECISIONS because they contributed money... boy, are you off your rocker!  I can't imagine manipulating my own children like that - that is controlling to an extreme.  Parents who plan to do that should warn their children when they hand them a check that it's not a gift, it's actually their way of purchasing rights to make any decision they want about the wedding.  Geez.Sometimes you need to decide if it's worth the frustration or if you need to graciously decline their "gift," redo the budget, and do things how you and your fiance want.  Good luck!

Cupidsmyth

My grandmother has always been a controlling person, and she is the type to say well since I'm paying for it, we are going to do it my way. I don't agree with that, and I feel sad for those brides whoe are going thru that. My mom is going to pay for our catering to avoid this whole church lady thing, because we know if we have them, my grandma will want to be all up in their business and in the way. Apparently my grandmother has been trying to weasle her way into changing the cake I want. I have a few family members who have offered to pay for things as a wedding gift, and we had no issues with that. One of my cousins wanted to do the cake, I said that is totally fine. We went to the store, picked it out, she is going to pay for it... grandma called and told her that she would help out if it was going to be too much. So when I called to tell her that if she really wanted to help out that she could offer to help with the cake... she said I have already done that. I said ok, well we will probably need a bigger cake than we thought, she said well I figured I would just go to costco and get a sheet cake from there and that she was planning on a carrot or chocolate cake. I'm like OMG. My fiance HATES carrot cake and I'm not a fan of chocolate cake and WHY would we get a cake from costco when that isn't where our wedding cake is being made. Mind you we went for a full sheet cake and then a round for our cake, but it isn't from costco and we don't want carrot cake. So this is another way for her to try to get in and do something that she wants. I said no, if you want to help then you can go with cousin and help her pay for things at the same place we are getting the other cakes. I said we will probably only need another quarter sheet. If it wasn't for the fact that my fiance and I see this as our second chance to have the wedding WE want, we would probably elope.