poll:living together before marriage?

theluckiest555

I didnt know exactly where to post this ladies, so forgive me if it's in the wrong place. I am a psychology student and I heard that studies have found that couples that live together before marriage are more at risk for divorce. I wanna know what you think. Do you agreee with this and why? Would you live with your partner before marriage, and if not why not (if you dont mind sharing/.) If you said yes, do you and your partner have to be engaged befire living together? I wont give my opinion yet, but I will after I get some feedback. Thanks for your opinions ladies!

stacie+luciano

When you live together before marriage, you get to know the persons habits and all of that and everything so you get used to it. You wont be a stranger, you'll have your home/apt/etc together and it will feel more natural and easier to get used to.

Im SO glad I live with FI now.

meganiobe

this is my thought... would you buy a car without test driving it?

I mean honestly there are so many thing that I learned about FI when we moved in together, I honestly think that it has made our relationship so much stronger. When we get married I already know that he talks in his sleep and sometimes has horrific dreams and screams out. That he brushes his teeth like a million times a day. That he will do laundry but not fold any of it, etc I could go on forever. Everyone has quirks and living together puts everything out on the table.

jaycee7389

my bf and i have lived together for a year, and i have learned so so much about him that i wouldn't have learned by waiting until marriage to live together. i personally would think that not living together before marriage would put you at a higher risk of divorce. while you may get along great living apart, you may find things out that you can't get over when you finally move in together.
i know for bf and i we had a rocky first 2 months adjusting to living together because we had different work schedules, cleaning habits, eating habits, etc..but we figured it all out and work together great now. i definitely would not want my first 2 or more months of marriage to be rocky, i'd want them to be a happy and fun time.
i could go on and on about this topic, and as PP said about not buying a car before test driving it..it absolutely applies. i know couples who have moved in together before/after marriage and realized how much they didn't really know about the person and it resulted in breaking up/divorce.

calindi

I think those "studies" are skewed because it doesn't take into consideration the other variables.  Plus it was done during our parents' generation, which had a much more negative public view of living together before marriage in general.

I know that people who are more religious are less likely to divorce in any circumstance (not necessarily happier, just that they don't divorce).  And people who are religious tend not to live together before marriage.  Thus that's a huge percentage that skews the survey, and in my eyes, invalidates its conclusions.  There's also a portion of people who get married because they feel they should since they're living together, but they're not taking it seriously as a commitment since they moved in together without a commitment.  Again, a different faction.  My guy and I moved in together with the idea that we were on the path to marriage, not there yet but it was in our plans.  We certainly had some adjustments as we started living together, and it wasn't always easy, but after living together 1.5 years, we've never been happier.  And I fully expect that marriage won't change that - we'll have other transitions, as he'll start active duty in the Marines after we're married, but we've learned how to live together, which is key to a happy home life.

I've seen a survey that said that during the first 2 years of marriage, people who lived together for at least 2 years before marriage were significantly happier in their relationship than couples who had not lived together before marriage.  This statistic neutralizes around the 5 year mark, which is when I assume those who only lived together after marriage have adjusted to the change in lifestyle.  To me, this survey makes perfect sense.  I'd hate to learn about his bad living habits and have to adjust after I've already committed to the marriage - I'd feel trapped.  Whereas we had the option to work it out or not when we moved in as we weren't married - we chose to work it out, but neither of us had to question the other's motives.  We knew that we worked it out not because either of us felt we "had to" but because we wanted to be together.

Queen Jane

We live together. We have a 10  month old, but we would have lived together regardless. Not only do you learn a lot about a person's habits and how to function in the household as a team, it makes more sense from a financial standpoint.

achiduck

FI and I moved in together before we even got engaged. I would never consider marrying someone without having lived with them first. There's just too many little things you don't learn about the other person until you live them with, and I really think it's the little things that "break the camel's back" so to speak. Living with someone before marriage puts all that out into the open. 

mstar284

Here's my two cents.

It works for us. I couldn't possibly imagine marrying him without knowing how it would be to actually live with him. It's totally different than before we lived together. It's not a cake walk. I'm glad we've handled situations that we've come across living together now as opposed to after we are married. It gives us experience. At least I know there aren't going to be any major surprises. I know his household habits, and we kind of have a "head start" with handling finances, sharing duties, etc.

Now does that mean it's the perfect solution for everyone? Of course not! There's a certain element that goes away once you live together...Honeymoon phase is over. So maybe it doesn't really make the wedding the same. It's just a piece of paper. Nothing will change too much once we get married. So maybe it kills the romance a little to live together first? Would that be why couples are more lively to get divorced?

I don't see how the results are accurate. I need some actual reasons why we are more likely to get a divorce than a couple who hasn't lived together. Where did you get this information? I am curious as to why our marriage is doomed to fail...

blush64

FIRST, below are my opinions on how I want to live my life. I don't really care how others choose to live theirs. I Live together before or not, I think you do what works for you and what you believe to be best. No one can tell me why I should do something their way and I won't tell them why they should do it mine. I will expalin why I make my choices.

I will not live with my FI before marriage. I don't look at anything to do with my life as test driving a car.

I don't think you should be considering marriage if you are willing to break up if your living habits are too different or because you can't get used to his quirks. If you are ready to commit your life to someone shouldn't it be no matter what. (excluding abuse, cheating)

And for everyone who lives together before marriage and find it works there are many for whom it does not work. The vast majority of those who I know who lived together before marriage have divorced. So we all have our own stories. I think it's more about each individual couple and not whether or not they lived together. So it's unfair to say either way.

If I love him enough to commit my life to him then I love him enough to make it work and not leave at the first sign of trouble or if things are hard at first. I know they will be hard adjusting at first.

 No test run. If he wanted to live together as a test run I would break up with him.

Living together is a commitment but not the same commitment as marriage. It's much easier to walk away when you just live with someone and to enter into something exactly because it's easier to walk away seems pointless and wrong to me.

I have kids. I am trying to teach them through my actions the way I want them to view commitment. After 4+ years my FI does not sleep over unless he is in the spare room.

(aside from abuse, infedility..I will not be giving up on the marriage so no test run is needed)

To each their own. I have opinions on why I do what I do but for everyone who believes otherwise, fine with me.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:da68c69e-f48c-41bf-9a7f-6d4e853768aa">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]I will not live with my FI before marriage. I don't look at anything to do with my life as test driving a car.<strong> If I love him enough to commit my life to him then I love him enough to make it work and not leave at the first sign of trouble or if things are hard at first.</strong> I know they will be hard adjusting at first.  No test run. <strong>If he wanted to live together as a test run I would break up with him.</strong> (aside from abuse, infedility..I will not be giving up on the marriage so no test run is needed)
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

I see what you're getting at but the two things I bolded are a little contradictory to me. You are saying that if you love someone enough and want to commit, you'll make it work no matter what (outside of cheating, abuse etc.), yet you say that if he wanted to live together before marriage you'd just throw in the towel and break up.

If you were together and decided you wanted to be married, got engaged (which is a strong commitment) and then he said he wanted to live together, you'd just break up with him? In that case, loving him isn't enough is it? You don't seem willing to make any adjustments or compromises unless it's on your terms it seems.

blush64

No, I said if he wanted to live together as a test run. There's a difference. Someone who tells me we should ive together and try it out is clearly telling me that he's not sure if he really wants me. Why would I commit to a guy who isn't sure? and why would he assume I'd try out to be his wife.

"If you were together and decided you wanted to be married, got engaged (which is a strong commitment) and then he said he wanted to live together, you'd just break up with him? In that case, loving him isn't enough is it? You don't seem willing to make any adjustments or compromises unless it's on your terms it seems."

I will not make adjustment or compromises to my morals and values and any man I want to marry wouldn't ask me to. If a guy wants you to compromise your morals or values I would suggest you leave as well.

I compromise all the time with everything else and I am very easy going but after being in abusive relationships I have come to realize there are certain things you don't back down from. My fiance has the same vaules and morals and wants to live together after we are married.

pinkrn19

I only wanted to move in with FI after we got engaged. I never lived with any other guy...I sort of wanted to make sure the only man I lived with would be the one I'm going to marry.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:a9930153-04b1-4b5e-a9f9-c32d86a6b481">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I said if he wanted to live together as a test run. There's a difference.
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

Living together before marriage is a bit of a test run for everyone. It's not like people say "hey let's live together just as a test run, ok?".

That's essentially what it becomes because some people will decide that it works for them and others won't.

blush64

Yes, a test run, and it works for people who want to do it. As I said, if you want to do it, than do it. I do not believe in a test run for this type of thing.

I don't want to do it so I won't.

One way isn't better, we just don't agree. It's ok really.

If a man proposed to me I would assume he knows me very well. I would think we had discussed marriage and our beliefs at some point. I would think he is aware of my feelings and views. Therefore I doubt a man who proposed to me would ask to live with me before we are married. Only one man has ever even met my children and since he only sleeps over in the guest room I doubt he thinks that would change before marriage.

The situation as you mentioned it just wouldn't happen unless some random guy who doesn't know me proposed and in that case I would just say no. 

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:8a7f2288-9d4f-44e2-a090-ff7dacfe9fe2">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, and it works for people who want to do it. As I said, if you want to do it, than do it. I don't want to do it so I won't. One way isn't better, we just don't agree. It's ok really.
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

I wasn't giving you a hard time for not wanting to do so and I don't care whether we agree. I just thought your reasoning for not wanting to was backwards.

But ok.

mstar284

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:da68c69e-f48c-41bf-9a7f-6d4e853768aa">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]FIRST, below are my opinions on how I want to live my life. I don't really care how others choose to live theirs. I Live together before or not, I think you do what works for you and what you believe to be best. No one can tell me why I should do something their way and I won't tell them why they should do it mine. I will expalin why I make my choices. I will not live with my FI before marriage. I don't look at anything to do with my life as test driving a car. I don't think you should be considering marriage if you are willing to break up if your living habits are too different or because you can't get used to his quirks. If you are ready to commit your life to someone shouldn't it be no matter what. (excluding abuse, cheating) And for everyone who lives together before marriage and find it works there are many for whom it does not work. The vast majority of those who I know who lived together before marriage have divorced. So we all have our own stories. I think it's more about each individual couple and not whether or not they lived together. So it's unfair to say either way. If I love him enough to commit my life to him then I love him enough to make it work and not leave at the first sign of trouble or if things are hard at first. I know they will be hard adjusting at first.  No test run. If he wanted to live together as a test run I would break up with him. Living together is a commitment but not the same commitment as marriage. It's much easier to walk away when you just live with someone and to enter into something exactly because it's easier to walk away seems pointless and wrong to me. I have kids. I am trying to teach them through my actions the way I want them to view commitment. After 4+ years my FI does not sleep over unless he is in the spare room. (<strong>aside from abuse, infedility..I will not be giving up on the marriage so no test run is needed</strong>) To each their own. I have opinions on why I do what I do but for everyone who believes otherwise, fine with me.
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

Well I don't consider moving in together as a test run. I wasn't really "testing" our relationship. That was already pretty solid. It was just a natural progression for us. We spend so much time together; you're over here for days at a time. We're basically already living together, so go grab your stuff and let's make it official. We didn't do it to "play house" or "test our relationship." We did it because we wanted to, and it made sense to us since we knew we'd be in each other's futures.

blush64

"I wasn't giving you a hard time for not wanting to do so and I don't care whether we agree. I just thought your reasoning for not wanting to was backwards. "

I don't consider it backwards to expect a man who wants to marry me to know me well enough to consider my morals and share in my values. But ok.

I knew my opinion would not be popular in society today because a lot of people choose other options. But I have reasons that perhaps a lot of people here don't have and maybe had I not had the experiences that I have had I would feel differently. Maybe I would have grown differently.  I have a lot more to consider than myself, I have kids too.

I don't think that everyone uses it as a test run, that's just how I have seen people do it. What works for one won't work for all. I view living together as something that happens after marriage. Simple.

Edit, sorry if anyone was offended. I am on my way to the kids' hockey game now.

EDIT I am editing at 6:54pm, I want to state that my children are from an abusive marriage when I was 17yrs old, that ended shortly after my kids were born. This is to avoid further confusion. I am raising my own kids, no support, their father has been gone for a long time.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:113b1968-9dfe-41c6-a314-827fe11989c3">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]"I wasn't giving you a hard time for not wanting to do so and I don't care whether we agree. I just thought your reasoning for not wanting to was backwards. " <strong>I don't consider it backwards to expect a man who wants to marry me to know me well enough to consider my morals and share in my values. But ok.</strong>
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

That's not what I was saying. But I'm not going to waste any more time trying to clarify. This convo is beat.

trix1223

We didn't live together, and have been very happily married for going on 33 years.  Then again, living together wasn't as common 35 years ago as it is now.

Two of our children lived with their spouses before marriage and that's fine with us.  I don't think one way is necessarily better than another.  It's what works for the couple.

sherrbearr22

I have read a lot of studies on cohabiting and what I took from it is that couples who live together before marriage but view it as a precursor to marriage or just another step along the way to marriage are less likely to divorce than those who view cohabiting as a "test run" or "trial marriage."

I guess it depends on how you view living together.  Is it a trial run and you can bolt if you don't like it or is it just another step along the way, say, like engagement.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:585efc2c-715c-4144-86bf-83d8d7ebf68b">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read a lot of studies on cohabiting and what I took from it is that couples who live together before marriage but view it as a precursor to marriage or just another step along the way to marriage are less likely to divorce than those who view cohabiting as a "test run" or "trial marriage." I guess it depends on how you view living together.  Is it a trial run and you can bolt if you don't like it or is it just another step along the way, say, like engagement.
Posted by sherrbearr22[/QUOTE]

We didn't view it as a trial run at all. Though I guess some people go into it thinking that way. My point was just that, even without that being the intention, it sort of becomes a trial run anyway since for many people it could end up being the thing that helps them to decide whether or not they want to go any further into the relationship.

Is that making sense?

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:9c76845f-72b1-4c19-a13b-2bcfe5f40589">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think those "studies" are skewed because it doesn't take into consideration the other variables.  Plus it was done during our parents' generation, which had a much more negative public view of living together before marriage in general. <strong>I know that people who are more religious are less likely to divorce in any circumstance (not necessarily happier, just that they don't divorce). </strong> And people who are religious tend not to live together before marriage.  Thus that's a huge percentage that skews the survey, and in my eyes, invalidates its conclusions.  There's also a portion of people who get married because they feel they should since they're living together, but they're not taking it seriously as a commitment since they moved in together without a commitment.  Again, a different faction.  My guy and I moved in together with the idea that we were on the path to marriage, not there yet but it was in our plans.  We certainly had some adjustments as we started living together, and it wasn't always easy, but after living together 1.5 years, we've never been happier.  And I fully expect that marriage won't change that - we'll have other transitions, as he'll start active duty in the Marines after we're married, but we've learned how to live together, which is key to a happy home life. I've seen a survey that said that during the first 2 years of marriage, people who lived together for at least 2 years before marriage were significantly happier in their relationship than couples who had not lived together before marriage.  This statistic neutralizes around the 5 year mark, which is when I assume those who only lived together after marriage have adjusted to the change in lifestyle.  To me, this survey makes perfect sense.  I'd hate to learn about his bad living habits and have to adjust after I've already committed to the marriage - I'd feel trapped.  Whereas we had the option to work it out or not when we moved in as we weren't married - we chose to work it out, but neither of us had to question the other's motives.  We knew that we worked it out not because either of us felt we "had to" but because we wanted to be together.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>While this study is old (1999), they actually found that atheists had the lowest divorce rate (21%, along with Catholics/Lutherans, with born-again Christians at 27%, and non born-again Christians at 24%). Just throwing that out there.

</div>

matuofm

My FI always said (in hypothetical conversations early in the relationship) that he'd want to live together before marriage as a way of making sure that there were no glaring lifestyle issues that couldn't be worked out.  This is basically the "test run" thing that people are talking about.

Once he reached the point where he wanted to marry me, though, he changed his mind.  We know each other and each others' lifestyles and habits very well, and we've had hours and hours of conversations about the way we do things around the house, peeves, etc.  It's going to be difficult to adjust to living together, but we're committed to making this work.  He changed his mind because he no longer felt afraid that we were going to mess things up without some practice under our belts - he's confident in our committment now, and I love that.

Our take on engagement (just ours, doesn't have to be yours) is that you get engaged when you're ready to get married - not because you expect to be ready sometime in the future. (Again, no judgments.  This is just how WE feel about OUR relationship.)  As such, as soon as we got engaged, we wanted to be together as a family - living together.  But I am stuck in a lease with a roommate until August, and the wedding is in September.  If things were different, we'd have moved in together by now.  But, as is, we will have had only about 4 weeks of living together before the wedding.

Although I didn't expect to feel this way, I'm sort of happy about this.  It makes the whole time leading up to the wedding seem even more special to me.  We're not just making a familial and legal bond together; we're also building a home and a new kind of life together, and all of this together make the whole process even more exciting for me.  It's not typical, but I don't regret this choice that we've made. 

[Deleted User]

I also studied Psychology in school. I take some of the things with a grain of salt.

H and I lived together before marriage due to financial reasons. Long story short, I had given up a good paying job (supporting myself and all) to move out of state to be with him. I took a huge pay cut and there was no way I could afford to live alone. So we got a 2 bedroom apt and went from there.

I actually think it was beneficial to us living together before marriage. I was very independent and set in my own ways and H had just started living on his own. We were able to figure out all of our quirks, things that irrated us and how we were going to divide the household chores, etc. I couldn't imagine moving in with a spouse right after the wedding and trying to sort through all of that and getting used to marriage, etc. I wouldn't change a thing about how we did things.

mstar284

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:666e9d19-b935-4c47-b192-1363daebe2ef">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI always said (in hypothetical conversations early in the relationship) that he'd want to live together before marriage as a way of making sure that there were no glaring lifestyle issues that couldn't be worked out.  This is basically the "test run" thing that people are talking about. Once he reached the point where he wanted to marry me, though, he changed his mind.  We know each other and each others' lifestyles and habits very well, and we've had hours and hours of conversations about the way we do things around the house, peeves, etc.  It's going to be difficult to adjust to living together, but we're committed to making this work.  He changed his mind because he no longer felt afraid that we were going to mess things up without some practice under our belts - he's confident in our committment now, and I love that. <strong>Our take on engagement (just ours, doesn't have to be yours) is that you get engaged when you're ready to get married - not because you expect to be ready sometime in the future. (Again, no judgments.  This is just how WE feel about OUR relationship.)  </strong>As such, as soon as we got engaged, we wanted to be together as a family - living together.  But I am stuck in a lease with a roommate until August, and the wedding is in September.  If things were different, we'd have moved in together by now.  But, as is, we will have had only about 4 weeks of living together before the wedding. Although I didn't expect to feel this way, I'm sort of happy about this.  It makes the whole time leading up to the wedding seem even more special to me.  We're not just making a familial and legal bond together; we're also building a home and a new kind of life together, and all of this together make the whole process even more exciting for me.  It's not typical, but I don't regret this choice that we've made.  :)
Posted by matuofm[/QUOTE]

wait, wait. I don't think anyone is necessarily talking about engagement...just moving in. Of course engagement means being ready to get married...that's the point of being engaged. You are getting married at a set time. Living together can happen before engagement. You've heard of, "First comes love, then comes marriage" right? Well, you can have a few things in between. First comes love, then comes moving in together, then comes engagement, then comes marriage. it's just a path, and some people choose to skip moving in. Living together really has nothing to do with what you just said.

Queen Jane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:da68c69e-f48c-41bf-9a7f-6d4e853768aa">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]FIRST, below are my opinions on how I want to live my life. I don't really care how others choose to live theirs. I Live together before or not, I think you do what works for you and what you believe to be best. No one can tell me why I should do something their way and I won't tell them why they should do it mine. I will expalin why I make my choices. I will not live with my FI before marriage. I don't look at anything to do with my life as test driving a car. <strong>I don't think you should be considering marriage if you are willing to break up if your living habits are too different or because you can't get used to his quirks. </strong>If you are ready to commit your life to someone shouldn't it be no matter what. (excluding abuse, cheating) And for everyone who lives together before marriage and find it works there are many for whom it does not work. The vast majority of those who I know who lived together before marriage have divorced. So we all have our own stories. I think it's more about each individual couple and not whether or not they lived together. So it's unfair to say either way. If I love him enough to commit my life to him then I love him enough to make it work and not leave at the first sign of trouble or if things are hard at first. I know they will be hard adjusting at first.  No test run. If he wanted to live together as a test run I would break up with him. Living together is a commitment but not the same commitment as marriage. It's much easier to walk away when you just live with someone and to enter into something exactly because it's easier to walk away seems pointless and wrong to me. I have kids. I am trying to teach them through my actions the way I want them to view commitment. After 4+ years my FI does not sleep over unless he is in the spare room. (aside from abuse, infedility..I will not be giving up on the marriage so no test run is needed) To each their own. I have opinions on why I do what I do but for everyone who believes otherwise, fine with me.
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't really think anyone is going to break up with their SO because they don't do the dishes, or clip their toenails in bed or something. I dated one guy who was hell bent on doing things a certain way. It was annoying because I was the opposite. I tried to compromise with him but he wouldn't budge, and I eventually gave in and did it his way. He refused to ever do that for me. I did not want to stay with someone like that. After living together, we realized that we just weren't compatible. Of course, that is just one example. I would assume (don't want to speak for everyone here) that most people who live together and break up usually come to realization they are not for each other, and I doubt it was because someone didn't empty the garbage.</div><div>
</div><div>No one here is arguing with you, but you asked for people's input and you got it. </div>

LessThanZero

Blush, it's impossible to have a proper conversation with you, when you write a quick sentence or two, wait for someone to respond and then go back and add another 2 paragraphs with more detail. You've done that 2 or 3 times now.

You could write "Edit:" and then post your additions so people know what was there to begin with, especially after you've been quoted.

wiwicaty

To me the phrase living together "before marriage" makes no sense. I wanted to live with FI to LIVE with him, regardless of (actually long before) marriage. We have lived together for over 12 years, have been each other's family for the 14 years we've been together and are now getting married. Had he not proposed, we'd be living the same wonderful life, minus the planning.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:5b2aaab9-7c61-41a9-9c4d-265c9d8e7ac8">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]To me the phrase living together "before marriage" makes no sense. I wanted to live with FI to LIVE with him, regardless of (actually long before) marriage. We have lived together for over 12 years, have been each other's family for the 14 years we've been together and are now getting married. Had he not proposed, we'd be living the same wonderful life, minus the planning.
Posted by wiwicaty[/QUOTE]

I don't think anyone here is saying that they didn't want to live with their boyfriend or FI just to live with him. How does living together before marriage not make sense? It's referring to people who live together before they get married. Some people want to and some don't for their own reasons.

alyssag721

I moved in with my then boyfriend 4 years ago, not only as a test run to marriage but because I was moving and knew he would be an awesome and responsible room mate. My family was horrified, completely cut me off, and didn't talk to me for months. I was sad but knew I made the decision for the right reasons. Now that 4 years have passed and they see that it was a responsible choice (AKA I think they're happy I'm not knocked up haha) they totally support us and gave their blessing for our wedding. For me personally I can't imagine marrying him without living with him first. While I already knew him well, there were a lot of quirks I never saw until I lived with him. That being said I also agree with blush64. If I had kids I definitely wouldn't be moving in with some guy unless I had a firm commitment and I applaud her for thinking of their needs first!

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:113b1968-9dfe-41c6-a314-827fe11989c3">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]"I wasn't giving you a hard time for not wanting to do so and I don't care whether we agree. I just thought your reasoning for not wanting to was backwards. " I don't consider it backwards to expect a man who wants to marry me to know me well enough to consider my morals and share in my values. But ok. I knew my opinion would not be popular in society today because a lot of people choose other options. But I have reasons that perhaps a lot of people here don't have and maybe had I not had the experiences that I have had I would feel differently. Maybe I would have grown differently.  I have a lot more to consider than myself, I have kids too. I don't think that everyone uses it as a test run, that's just how I have seen people do it. What works for one won't work for all. I view living together as something that happens after marriage. Simple. <strong>Edit, sorry if anyone was offended. I am on my way to the kids' hockey game now.</strong>
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]
I find it a little hypocritical that you have these strict morals about not living together before marriage, but you have children already. 

You won't live with your fiance before marriage, but you have no problem having children with someone?  I don't understand why living together is so wrong, but raising children together is just fine.

I guess you could reconcile this if you have been married and divorced, and these children are from your first marriage.  I was assuming these are children between you and FI.