poll:living together before marriage?

colstj1

I see there has been a lot of debate on this board. And I personally feel as though each couple it would work differently for.  We plan not to live together before our wedding.  But I have nothing against people living together before.  It's just a couples preference.

CassandraPotter

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:927cc1d7-ec73-4be9-ad3a-b3bf0f483671">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm Christian, Fi is Catholic, we've been living together for 3 some odd years. Adam and Eve lived together before they were married :D
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
haha before there was original sin? ;)

CassandraPotter

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:b510f442-48b6-4ddf-bf2b-ac8be53cd561">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll:living together before marriage? : I get not wanting to live together for religious reasons, but unless every sin you commit contradicts EVERYTHING you stand for, this one wouldn't either.  Sorry, but the Bible says no sin is greater than the other, so that little white lie you told aunt millie last year is just as detrimental to your Christian standing.  That's kind of the point of Christianity, the whole 'we aren't worthy, so God sent us a Saviour who is to sacrifice himself for us."
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
exactly, we try not to lie or do any other sin. It happens, but we try our best not to commit sins and judge/think badly of other people. we are only human and it is going to happen, so I feel like living together would only push the boundaries and tempt us even more. I'm glad you get the point of us needing Jesus to redeem us, but its also to try your best as much as your can and be disciplined. I don't really feel like because I've told a lie its okay for me to cheat on my husband because all sins are the same. its all bad, but like I said we try to do our best in avoiding the bad.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:291e144a-ab83-42da-8eb3-4c82e3ef92e2">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll:living together before marriage? : haha before there was original sin? ;)
Posted by CassandraPotter[/QUOTE]
So you think they lived in separate huts after sin?

CassandraPotter

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:d2ddc9e8-7ea9-4d1b-b157-94d138dd79b0">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll:living together before marriage? : So you think they lived in separate huts after sin?
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
no, separate caves.

Cynthia1207

FI and I live together.  I was against it at the beginning because of certain values I was brought up with that clashed with FI's.  He is brought up with the idea that you are considered a married couple once you move in together (whether you're legally married or not) and I was brought up with you only live together after you're married.  To reach common ground, we decided we would buy a condo and he promised to propose before a certain date.  He wasn't forced to propose just like I wasn't forced to move in.  It changed absolutely nothing in our relationship.  We always had a strong relationship to begin with and moving in and getting engaged were just the next logical steps.  It wasn't a test drive.

cdavislynn

OK, I don't have the time or patience to read all the PPs. I read up to the point of one that talked about the research behind this claim (that people who live together are more likely to divorce). I majored in sociology. One of my classes had a section on this topic. The reseacher we reviewed looked into why people who live together are more likely to divorce, and it basically boiled down to: people who want to live together first or "test drive" eachother are people who already are afraid of, or have issues with, committment in a relationship in general. This may be a characteristic of young people's generation; a fear of marriage committment with how common divorce is. 
Here's my personal experience, for what it's worth: I lived with a boyfriend and when we broke up, it was awful to have to find a new place, split up our belongings, etc. It was so much more painful to break up because we were living together. I swore I'd never do it again. And I did. And I regreted it.
It has been a point of argument for my fiance and I. I feel like he didn't propose to me for a long time because why should he? We could play house, and he had me, but didn't have to committ...so he just rolled with things the way they were, while I wondered for a year and half "where this was going." It caused a lot of problems for a long time, and I finally decided to move out, and we worked through everything.
Living together made me feel like we were "playing marriage" without a true committment. It muddled everything, especially when he bought a house and expected me to move to this new house with him. I thought: shouldn't WE be buying a house together (and be married />??)

I guess now think that living together can potentially help, or harm a relationship, for sure. I do not think that it can have an effect on a marriage. I think it profoundly affects the relationship leading up to the marriage. That may not make and sense..... However, I think that it clouds decisions to get married, to make financial plans together, etc. and I think it complicates break-ups and causes a lot more pain when break-ups happen. If you are going to committ to someone for life, through "better or worse" then the "worse" part probably covers annoying habits like snoring and not doing laundry, right? Hopefully.  

JA2003

I've been with my FI for... 8 years. We've lived together for 4 years this winter. We have a wonderful little life that many do, frown upon, because we live together and have established a life together-before we became engaged.Now we are engaged, and getting married in 8 months. I knew it was coming, I couldn't imagine my life with anybody else-but we were high school sweethearts, and went to college together, and wanted to get married after we graduated. Which we are doing. Our dream is coming true!
I would not trade anything for the last 4 years living together, it has been a crazy, frustrating, happy and loving experience that I think most couples miss out on. Learning to cope with each other's habits and sharing housework, paying bills together...it's how we knew we were going to be in it for the long haul. Sure, theres been fights when all you can do is pout on the couch because you don't have your own room-but it's the learning to communicate through the fights that you gain by living together. I think, again, this is all my opinion from my own experience.

aegrish

I was planning to not live with my FI until after we are married (we both come from super conservative families) but we bought a home together and it didn't make sense to pay for my old house and the new one.  I am glad we moved in together before the wedding now, although I wouldn't have done it before we were engaged.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pollliving-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1da09a20-4996-4f76-b582-b4954d1f9267Post:ef3352d4-2435-42a6-8e7c-23df409423ab">Re: poll:living together before marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, I don't have the time or patience to read all the PPs. I read up to the point of one that talked about the research behind this claim (that people who live together are more likely to divorce). I majored in sociology. One of my classes had a section on this topic. The reseacher we reviewed looked into why people who live together are more likely to divorce,<strong> and it basically boiled down to: people who want to live together first or "test drive" eachother are people who already are afraid of, or have issues with, committment in a relationship in general.</strong> This may be a characteristic of young people's generation; a fear of marriage committment with how common divorce is.  Here's my personal experience, for what it's worth: I lived with a boyfriend and when we broke up, it was awful to have to find a new place, split up our belongings, etc. It was so much more painful to break up because we were living together. I swore I'd never do it again. And I did. And I regreted it. It has been a point of argument for my fiance and I.<strong> I feel like he didn't propose to me for a long time because why should he? We could play house, and he had me, but didn't have to committ...so he just rolled with things the way they were, while I wondered for a year and half "where this was going."</strong> It caused a lot of problems for a long time, and I finally decided to move out, and we worked through everything. Living together made me feel like we were "playing marriage" without a true committment. It muddled everything, especially when he bought a house and expected me to move to this new house with him. I thought: shouldn't WE be buying a house together (and be married />??) I guess now think that living together can potentially help, or harm a relationship, for sure. I do not think that it can have an effect on a marriage. I think it profoundly affects the relationship leading up to the marriage. That may not make and sense..... However, I think that it clouds decisions to get married, to make financial plans together, etc. and I think it complicates break-ups and causes a lot more pain when break-ups happen. If you are going to committ to someone for life, through "better or worse" then the "worse" part probably covers annoying habits like snoring and not doing laundry, right? Hopefully.  
Posted by cdavislynn[/QUOTE]


Holy overgeneralization Batman.  Really?  Moving in together, which is a HUGE commitment, is a sign of commitment issues?  That doesn't make sense...

The second part seems like a major communication issue in YOUR relationship.  Don't pass off your issues to everyone else who decided to live together before marriage. 

It's fine that living together before marriage didn't work out for you, but it just sounds like you are saying that because it didn't work for you, that everyone who does it has commitment issues...?  Not a very valid arguement for someone majoring in sociology.

bee&bee

I've never wanted to live with a bf/fiance before marriage but I think I just have different views on the topic.  Yes is seems "easier" in some cases and some feel it's better to "try it before you buy it" so do speak but to me that is the whole point of the first year of marriage. To learn about one another, to have all of those experiences.  I don't want nothing to change after we get married.  Each step has been a change and been exciting. I didn't want the only difference to be that we're Mr. & Mrs.  

I may test drive a car before I buy it (which actually the car I bought last year I didn't cause it was from another state now that I think about it) but you can't keep it for year to decide if it's for you or not.  Plus I thought that the months you date before getting engaged is the time where you get to know the person and ask questions and talk to each other.  I've vacationed enough and spent enough time with my FI to have an idea of what he is like to live with.  Plus we talk about it all the time and our habits and stuff like that.  Granted it will still be different but I do not feel it will be so drastically different to cause us to ever break our commitment to one another.  If that is the case, you clearly are not that commited to one another to begin with and should never have gotten married. 

To each their own though

mattycam

We didn't live together before getting married for religious reasons and it worked for us.