Is it okay to be jealous??

sss937

A good friend of mine just got engaged today and I couldn't be happier for her! She's a wonderful person. It really couldn't have happened to anyone nicer. But.....

She's faaaaarrrr prettier than me,  much more wealthy than me and her ring is MUCH larger than mine. I can't help but be jealous....and I feel terrible about it. I shouldn't be jealous. It's not about the size of the ring, how expensive or cheap my dress was or how much smaller my wedding will be. I know that I am so lucky to be marrying my best friend. So why am I jealous?!

I feel awful and I don't want to be a jealous person. The whole thing has me feeling like a terrible person. Help! Please tell me that someone else out there feels like I do!

I know it's not the end of the world that I'm wearing fake pearls or that my dress isn't designer, but I can't help but be envious....right?

Lilou902

Of course it's normal.  You probably dreamed of having an elaborate wedding etc, but I am sure it will pass.  Just give it a few days! And don't worry...if you really are happy for your friend that will show!

flyjawn

i think the jealousy is normal and the fact that you're self aware about it shows how mature you are.

we all get envious about what others have compared to what we have and it's a perfectly healthy human reaction as long as you don't let it overpower you.

you're very lucky to be marrying your best friend.  

pierrette123

That's normal, but you can only do what you can do with the money you got.  Your guests aren't going to care about all of that.  Your happiness and future will be the only thing on anyone's mind that day.  And your FI?   Well, no other woman in this world is more beautiful than you.  All he's going to be thinking is how lucky he is that YOU picked HIM to marry.   Try not to put any pressure on yourself, especially this, you have got more then enough stress going on. 

I wish you and your FI love, joy and many years of happiness and friendship together

luckyme502

It's normal.  I'm not that way with weddings, but two of my SILs and my aunt are pregnant, and that makes me jealous.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited for them, I only talk about the baby jealousy with FI. 

Srbageldog

I agree with everyone else: it's completely normal to be jealous. A couple years ago my FI's cousin (who is more like a brother) got married, and they had a huge, elaborate ceremony which both their parents paid for. Nobody is helping us pay for our wedding, and it will be way smaller, but I am fine with that. I have always wanted a small, intimate ceremony, and to tell the truth, I thought theirs was a little TOO elaborate. My brother and sister-in-law, on the other hand, had a very small, very cheap ceremony. However, most the guests said that it was one of the best weddings they'd ever been too. Just remember, it's not about the money. You can still have a lovely ceremony and reception without going bankrupt.

luckyme502: I feel your pain. Every time a co-worker gets pregnant, I feel a little jab of jealousy. Not that I'm not happy for them; it's just sadness that it hasn't happened to me yet. Kind of like, when is it my turn? I think that is completely normal, also.

bradandjackie

It's normal -- even better that you acknowledge your jealousy and feel the need to fix it!  Take a DEEP BREATH.  You'll be fine

barbbhoww

I'm a normally jealous person and I hate it.  If I could change one thing about myself it would be to become less jealous.

sss937

Having grown up with next to nothing the last thing I am is materialistic. I'm happy just to have an honest job and the shirt on my back so I don't appreciate the comment that I'll learn to realize "life is not about material things". I think the other girls hit the nail on the head. (Thank you by the way for all your support girls!!) I'm envious. It would be great to have it easier and I envy that. I am totally, completely, truly happy for her. My FI and I hung out with them last night and had a great time with them. I love her to pieces! 

bradandjackie

you know what's funny we're all on here listening to each others fabulous wedding plans and feel nothing.  When it's someone we know it makes us feel alll sorts of awful things!!! ugh this woman thing is HARD

lynzandgreg

It's definetly ok to be jealous. I was jealous of all the girls I knew that were getting engaged. Now I am jealous of all the girls I know who had a beautiful expensive wedding. Like you I grew up with nothing and I am not materialistic at all but I can't help but be jealous sometimes of other brides I know. What I do know is that I will marry my soulmate so I am happy with that.

Srbageldog

I also grew up with practically nothing. I agree it's normal to feel envious of others who have more, or who've had it easy. Doesn't mean that you harbor hard feelings for those who've had it easy, but sometimes I do wonder why some people are born and have it easy their entire life, while others have very little and have to struggle. But, I figure I was born into my particular life for a reason, and whatever reason that may be, it has led me to my soul mate and I will be happy to marry him on whatever our  budget allows. You can still have a beautiful wedding for very little money.

trix1223

No!  Go to your room and don't come out until you're no longer jealous.

Really, everyone, and I mean everyone gets envious of other people at some point.  And anyone who tells you that they don't is lying to you and themself.

What is not okay is to act on the jealousy and get petulant, whiny, and mean-spirited.

hannahrh

Jealousy is what keeps the capitalistic world going.  At least you are decent enough to have cognitive dissonance.

No diamond nor pearl nor designer wedding dress will matter when you are facing your FI professing your love for each other. 

loritajean

I'm wearing a homemade dress, my favorite pair of everyday sandals and a cubic zirconia on my wedding day. I couldn't be happier

Still, I totally get that you get a little jealous sometimes. It would be nice not to have to worry about budget and whatnot. So long as you're gracious about everything, it's perfectly normal, and you're not alone!

When you see that you'll have the best day of your life surrounded by all your favorite people, you'll probably be glad you didn't spend that much money on something that would be great no matter what.

ehathewa

I went to a wedding that must have cost at least 100k... and it wasn't any more fun than other weddngs, itw asn't prettier than other weddings, the couple isn't happier than other couples.  The food was pretty darn good... but more than anything it was just more expensive. 

You're wedding and marriage will be ultra fabulous without a hefty price tag. 

TimsGirl10

I completely understand where you are coming from- I am dealing with it myself.  Of course, its soemthing I have to deal with internally and not let others know I am dealing with it- b/c then I ook like a jealous brat! LOL 

My scenario is that 2 of my brothers are getting married in October of this year, I am getting married in March of next year.  They are both having very large, very nice weddings, in fact my one brother has already invested about 8K into the wedding.  Their venues are gorgeous.  They are having to die for catering.  Their FIs have designer gowns, my one brother got his FI a Tiffany engagment ring- they have the money to do all this.  My FI and I on the other hand are both single parents, he is in school, we are on a teeny tiny budget, I am not even sure we can afford catering at this point, a lot of what I am doing, I am doing myself to cut costs.  I am still constantly worried that in the back of their minds, family will somehow be comparing the 3 weddings- and they will see my 2 brothers lavish weddings and then see my tiny DIY wedding and think theirs were better.

The one thing that has helped, well two things that have helped- 1)FI and I will NOT be going into debt to pay for this wedding. We are not depending on our parents to fork out the money either.  What we have will come from us b/c we've worked hard for it and it means a lot to us.  Not that it doesn't mean much to my brothers or their FIs, but I thnk there is a different value on stuff when you really work hard for it, ya know?  and 2) I recently designed and printed our STDs.  I paid about 1/10 of what my one brother paid for his STDs and honestly, mine look so much better!!  Even my mom made a comment about how "rich and elegant" mine looked and how she "Likes these better than the "other" ones" LOL  It gave me a little boost knowing that even though mine were self designed and printed at Walmart for a fraction of the cost- no one if going to be able to tell the difference.  So in the end, even with our smaller venues, smaller budget, etc- it is still going to be a great wedding that reflects FI and I - and our style is far from overdone and lavish!

And really- at the end of the day- FI and I will be married, and if anyone wants to compare weddings- then they have serious issues.  B/c there is no denying my FI and I are in love and were made for each other!!  If people can't see past "stuff" to see that- well, that's their problem!

sabatron

Comparing yourself to others will only make you unhappy. Everyone in the world does this. She's probably jealous of you, too... you're just too distracted to see what she might be jealous of.

gradbeth

Wow, I just had the same jealousy bug hit me last night and my fiancee calmly told me I was being selfish and that i should be happy for this other bride.  He was right and although I still struggle with it, screw it, my wedding will be perfect for me and her's will be perfect for her

orangespiders

I completely understand. My best friend called me up after she got engaged and asked me, "Do you mind if I get married two weeks before you?" I was very hurt but what do you do? Ruin a dysfunctional friendship over a wedding date? We have very different taste and different friends, some may overlap, but our day will be about us and no one else.

SCJess85

It is completely normal for you to feel the way you do. Just because you have feelings of jealousy, that does not mean you are not happy for your friend. Your wedding will be a special day for you no matter what. I am going through the exact same thing! I am getting married in September and my best friend is getting married in October! She is having an extavagant wedding and her ring cost 10grand! I am helping her plan and she is helping me plan. It is very hard going with her to book her super awesome caterer and other great vendors when I am having a lot of family and friends help out with our wedding and we are having barbecue. But I have come to realize that my wedding is going to be special in its own way and I am doing my best to work with the budget I have and that's all that I can do. I also, am marrying my best friend and that is priceless.... Congratulations!

ajohnston29

Here is a flip-side to this situation. I asked a good friend of mine to be a bridesmaid a few weeks after getting engaged... little did I know our entire friendship was about to change.

After my engagement she quit talking to me as much, and would get angry/upset whenever I discussed wedding plans. She would constantly ask me why I was starting my planning "already". We did have a year and a half to plan - but I was wanting to do a lot of fun little details. Details that didn't necessarily mean more $$, just more time. She would only talk about when her and her boyfriend were going to start ring shopping. (I don't know whether this was a sign of jealousy or what was going on.)

I have started bridesmaid dress shopping and have mentioned the fact that I have visited stores and she doesn't even acknowledge. She has not asked EVEN ONCE about my dress or the dresses I have picked out for the bridesmaids. She constantly brags about how cheap her wedding will be and has even put me down for visiting so many bridal shops looking for my dress.

I don't know what to do?

RochelleAnn2302

I know how you feel. My cousin and I are getting married back to back weekends. We (his FI and I) of course ended up at all the bridal shows and things together so everything we were doing got compared. Oh, this is what Shelby's dress looks like, Shelby is doing curly willow centerpieces, blah blah... the thing that sucked most for me wasn't the budget (I think we are spending more) it was whoever said the idea first got it. So, I couldn't do the curly willow centerpieces, I had to look at her dress before I went to get mine so we didn't get the same one (like out of the millions of dress out there we would actually pick identical dresses and our styles are so completely different...). I think it would have been more fun if it were one of my close friends or somebody that I had a better connection to but it's a girl I barely know yet am constantly being compared to.... sucks!  so not so much jealousy but competition...

madelinesfinn

Sounds like she's jealous of you! Sorry to hear about that. That must be really hard. I can't really offer you any advice, only sympathy! Hope she gets proposed to soon and can start getting excited with you!

SweetLaura286

My cousin got married a few months ago, and she had a gorgeous wedding at a hilton hotel in washington DC, a super gorgeous super expensive cake from the show Ace of Cakes, she had flower balls hanging from the ceiling over the dance floor, and these super tall gorgeous centerpieces etc. I worry that my little garden themed wedding will dissapoint in comparison, at least to their family.... but..........

~Tuck~

Yes, it is OK.  Anyone who says that they have never been jealous of anything is probably lying.  I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding.  It was held in colonial Williamsburg, VA.  The hotel that we were staying at cost $300 a night (her parents paid), and her wedding total cost about $200,000.  I was extremely jealous, but I never let her know that, as she is my friend and it was her day.  My day, while it certainly won't cost that amount, is no less special then hers.

reason00

Don't be too jealous of her, maybe he'll cheat on her, or he beats her, or they fight, or they'll end up divorced. Think about that stuff and feel less jealous...

hahahaha.

DeryniMagic26

I think it's normal.  I am marrying into a great family. My fiance has 3 brothers and one sister. The three brothers are engaged and his ex step mom/ mother of two brothers is also engaged. One brother was engaged before us but had not set a date yet. Then we got engaged and already knew what date we wanted and set it. Well the Brother and his fiance set a date 2 months before the date we picked. Then the  ex step mom picked a date in the month after our wedding. So there are 3 weddings this year and several of the same people will be at all of them. I feel frustrated but I also feel like people will be comparing them so I'm anxious and a little jealous as well b/c the ex step mom's will be the one who can spend more money on everything so I feel like I'll be comapring mine as well.  Also one of the other brother's fiances is trying to go get married at the justice of the peace just so she can get married before everyone else in the family.

So yeah.... Jealousy is noraml.

CL3542

I think it's totally normal.  My fiance and I were the first to get engaged in our group of friends, first to buy a house, and now that my wedding is a few months away, our close friends bought a house, got engaged, and it's really the first time there's been any means for comparison.

Their house looks so great and they have a really good attention to detail.  Theirs was a lot more expenstive, but I still LOVE my house.  I haven't seen her ring yet (engagement JUST happened) but it sounds like there's a nice big stone, there's filligree detailing, basically, it sounds BEAUTIFUL.  I know that my ring was less expensive, but I LOVE my ring.  It may not be all that showy but I have a pretty casual personality, and my ring totally suits that.

I felt a little threatened at first, like what if their house is better, her ring is better, their wedding is better, but then I realized that everything they do and have is better for them, and everything we do and have is better for us.  I'm so happy to be getting married and wouldn't change things one bit!  Adeded bonus - being happy with what we have means that I can be GENUINELY happy for them!

Good Luck and remember that no matter what, at the end of the day, you'll be married!

AerikaAwright

I understand the feeling. A friend of my asked me to help her pick some venues. She wants to do a hotel. Her brother got married at the Ritz and they have about 300 people at the wedding. However on the other side I have a friend who's getting married on about a 5k budget and she's jealous of me. She looked at my ring and said "that's cute" and then began talking about how her is from her grandmother's and so on as if it made it more special. This thing about is is my FI and I are paying for our wedding almost completely on our own. We may have a bigger budget but we've been engaged longer and waited longer to tie the know. They're doing this all in about 9 months. I can see beng on both ends of the spectrum how difficult it can be not be to jealous. The things is ultimately I'm going to be happer with my wedding knowing all the time and effort I put into it to make it something wonderful. I may still look at EVERYONE's engagements rings and compare but nothing is going to be more special to me that the one he picked out. A big fancy cake is nice but I'd rather have one that tastes great instead. I may not be getting married at the Ritz...or in the brother's backyard but I'm getting married in a place I fell in love with. I think we get jealous because the magazines and television shows tell us that to get the wedding of our dreams we need 50k....Honestly I couldn't imagine spending that much I'm doing frugal. at 25k wedding would be the wedding of my dreams, to one friend she made need 100k and another might just wish she has 10k.... In the end it's all relative.

stephaniedrake

Wow, that last comment is pretty horrible. Why would you wish those things on any one? Jelousy is normal, but being spiteful is just plain wrong.

It's normal to feel a little jealous, because you want your wedding to be the most fantstic one anyone has even gone too, brides want their fairy tales wedding to be "everyone else's" fairy tale wedding. Nothing wrong with that,we all want the best we can have. But if you're happy with your wedding then it's the best wedding there has ever been.