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Ex-wife and her children

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Re: Ex-wife and her children

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    Who made Bluebride the Knot police?

    Oh that's right, nobody. Because it's a public message board. As long as I'm not violating the Knot's terms of service I can post anything I want.
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    [QUOTE]I love it when the woman has a kid or kids with a man and then MOVES their kids far away . You guys are a bunch of idiots. this is NOT wedding related. NOT your business and NOT part of the OP. You have NO idea how little courts side with the fathers. EVEN if they pay child support. I work in family law and I know this for a fact. Don't judge when you DON'T know. Even with legal help you have little to no chance of getting 50/50. Unless you have a woman who is willing to give it to you. Its even harder to get more than weekend visitation when they are school aged kids. Who can afford in an economy like this to FLY your child to and from your house on a regular basis? I
    Posted by BlueBride11[/QUOTE]
    It's pretty common knowledge that father's get crappy rights and rarely if ever win custody battles.  That doesn't mean it's okay to make no effort.  Sending cards, calling your kid, or sending a letter to the grandparents to give to the kid - those things don't get terribly pricey and are possible at a distance.

    Flying a kid in for a wedding =/= flying a kid between parents' homes all the time.  It's a one time deal.  As for visitations, one of my childhood friends had to go to visit her father for several weeks at a time in the summer once he moved away.  He had some custody, even though every other weekend was no longer practical.
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    Being an ex-wife myself, I know it's a difficult situation sometimes. I myself have it easy! We live in NJ, ex and his "new" family are in CA. It's been years since my ex-husband has seen my 2 older boys. However, as much of a scumbag he is, my FI is AMAZING! Not only is he an acting father to 2 children who aren't his blood, my middle is Autistic, andmy FI has walked into the relationship with open, loving arms to not only him, but his disability.

    Having an ex and ex-family is more and more common, and they are there for life. Sometimes very involved, sometimes not. Being with your FI, you need to accept his "baggage" for what it is and make the most out of it. If he wants the children around, you need to be supportive of him and his decisions. They aren't only part of his life now, they are part of yours.

    If the kids are drinking and such, I'm assuming they are teenagers or older. Kids will be kids. Did you never do any wrong? Try and guide the kids to make mature decisions, have an open heart and more importantly open ears. Be there for them as much as they allow. That's the most you can do.

    As for the dress, if the ex is being un-cooperative, and you have the funds, get the dress yourself. At least you will know it's something you like since it's your wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:da1c3ba2-4f29-47d3-aee3-c3eefb130a59">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love it when the woman has a kid or kids with a man and then MOVES their kids far away . You guys are a bunch of idiots. this is NOT wedding related. NOT your business and NOT part of the OP. You have NO idea how little courts side with the fathers. EVEN if they pay child support. I work in family law and I know this for a fact. Don't judge when you DON'T know. Even with legal help you have little to no chance of getting 50/50. Unless you have a woman who is willing to give it to you. Its even harder to get more than weekend visitation when they are school aged kids. Who can afford in an economy like this to FLY your child to and from your house on a regular basis? Posted by BlueBride11[/QUOTE]

    As long as the mother has good intentions moving, who cares? The father still needs to make an effort in his children's lives. Same thing if the father had custody, the mother needs to make an effort! I moved out of VA where my ex was stationed to come back to NJ so I had family around my children. What did my ex do, get transferred to CA so he could be near the new wifes family.....Some guys/dads deserve the scumbag name!
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010

    Ok, I totally stayed away from this question for a while, but yeah, BlueBride, I don't know what the hell your deal is, but no matter what the court agrees to, or however "screwed over" the father gets, there is absolutely nothing stopping a man from sending a card or picking up a phone if he actually wants to be involved in his kids' lives.

    DH and I both have divorced parents who lived hours apart. My father never called, and I pretty much only saw him at Christmas. And my mother never tried to "keep" me or my sister from him, in fact, even as an adult, my mother is constantly up my butt trying to encourage me to have some sort of relationship with him (Because "he's your father"). He just doesn't want one with either me or my sister, and he's made that perfectly clear with his actions. And it's gotten to a point with after having my calls ignored and birthdays forgotten that I personally don't feel the need to have any relationship with him anymore. My mom didn't turn me against my bio-dad, bio-dad burned that bridge all on his own.

    DH's father, on the other hand actually moved to another state, but still called DH every other week and attempted to visit a few times a year, and even in the years where he couldn't visit much, he would always have DH and his sister stay with him for a couple of weeks during summer vacation. He made an effort. And no matter what can be said about his parents' relationship, DH can honestly say that both of his parents tried to be involved with his life.

    So while not every parent can work out a "perfect" arrangement where they get equal or at least comprable time with the kids, but whomever doesn't have primary custody, regardless of distance and financial situation has the abiltiy to do little things like pick up a damn phone every once in a while.


    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:21a3fc42-fcf5-4225-9238-168efee6711c">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who made Bluebride the Knot police? Oh that's right, nobody. Because it's a public message board. As long as I'm not violating the Knot's terms of service I can post anything I want.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    On the other hand, Bluebride has the equal right to dispute what someone else says :D
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:895317df-159d-4938-8513-6b65f57c27bb">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, I totally stayed away from this question for a while, but yeah, BlueBride, I don't know what the hell your deal is, but no matter what the court agrees to, or however "screwed over" the father gets, t<strong>here is absolutely nothing stopping a man from sending a card or picking up a phone if he actually wants to be involved in his kids' lives</strong>. DH and I both have divorced parents who lived hours apart. My father never called, and I pretty much only saw him at Christmas. And my mother never tried to "keep" me or my sister from him, in fact, even as an adult, my mother is constantly up my butt trying to encourage me to have some sort of relationship with him (Because "he's your father"). He just doesn't want one with either me or my sister, and he's made that perfectly clear with his actions. And it's gotten to a point with after having my calls ignored and birthdays forgotten that I personally don't feel the need to have any relationship with him anymore. My mom didn't turn me against my bio-dad, bio-dad burned that bridge all on his own. DH's father, on the other hand actually moved to another state, but still called DH every other week and attempted to visit a few times a year, and even in the years where he couldn't visit much, he would always have DH and his sister stay with him for a couple of weeks during summer vacation. He made an effort. And no matter what can be said about his parents' relationship, DH can honestly say that both of his parents tried to be involved with his life. So while not every parent can work out a "perfect" arrangement where they get equal or at least comprable time with the kids, but whomever doesn't have primary custody, regardless of distance and financial situation has the abiltiy to do little things like pick up a damn phone every once in a while.
    Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]
    This isn't necessarily true, there are court orders and other situations that the girlfriend of the dad of many doesn't know about.
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    If the guy is under a court order forbidding him from contacting his children in any way, shape, or form, he's probably not someone you want to be marrying.  Most courts aren't going to prohibit even a birthday card or a phone call unless the guy is seriously dangerous.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:f21ed55a-31bf-44e8-8d36-745e74ebb576">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]If the guy is under a court order forbidding him from contacting his children in any way, shape, or form, <strong>he's probably not someone you want to be marrying.</strong>  Most courts aren't going to prohibit even a birthday card or a phone call unless the guy is seriously dangerous.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
    I completely 100% agree. However if he were that type of person, its safe to assume that he's a capable liar too.
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:f21ed55a-31bf-44e8-8d36-745e74ebb576">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]If the guy is under a court order forbidding him from contacting his children in any way, shape, or form, he's probably not someone you want to be marrying.  Most courts aren't going to prohibit even a birthday card or a phone call unless the guy is seriously dangerous.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. Unless somebody is an actual threat to their children, they're allowed to do make the bare minimum efforts with contacting them. And if they aren't granted any form of contact, it's because the court found it in the child's best interest to prevent all contact.

    No judge is going to ban a father from even making phone calls or sending a birthday card "just to screw him over".

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
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    Well, if he abandoned them or is hiding out so he doesn't have to pay years of Child Support thats a pretty good reason why he would make up crap about the evil exs.
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-wife-her-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:635049c3-e4d2-4808-9035-149450e571e2Post:f35e69a7-e00f-4c9f-8044-c388fa005178">Re: Ex-wife and her children</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, if he abandoned them or is hiding out so he doesn't have to pay years of Child Support thats a pretty good reason why he would make up crap about the evil exs.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

    This is essentially the point I was trying to make. If a guy <strong>wants</strong> to do right by his kids, he <strong>can</strong> make the minimal efforts. If he's not doing the bare minimum (Again, occasional phone calls and birthday cards), he really just doesn't care about his kids. 

    If he's avoiding contact because he ducked child support and could get arrested, how is that him "wanting" to do right by his kids? If he couldn't afford the amount, it would make way more sense (And cost a lot less money in the long run) to petition the court to get the payments lowered than to risk going to prison.

    And if he flat out abandoned them, it's pretty clear he <strong>doesn't</strong> want anything to do with them.

    But it saves a lot of face with any potential girlfriends and wives to blame the "crazy ex-wife/girlfriend" for not stepping up and doing the right thing. And some women are dumb/blind enough to believe that "their man" could possibly be the bad guy. Sometimes, a guy really is just a stereotypical deadbeat dad, them's the breaks.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
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    Ditto Meg.  Any way you slice it, a guy who has no contact with his children is a scuz.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Boy oh boy, do I wish I had you on my side when I made a post today... wow, some of the brides on here are just angry people. My fiance's ex is creating drama for us and I thought I could ask for advice here on the Knot. Little did I know that people judge you on here and just plain rude. Good for you for sticking up for her and her situation. People don't always know the whole story and give really bad advice on here because they assume things and are so negative :(
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