Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion

stacem24

My wedding right now is up to $15,000 dollars and so far I have paid for everything myself. No help from the my parents, my fiance's parents, or even my fiance! I understand that I make a lot more than my fiance but he hasn't even offered or tried to help with anything. I complained to him about it and he said all I have to do is tell him what I want. I talk to him everyday about what else we need. Transportation, a cake, a dress for our daughter...The least he could do is offer to take care of the small stuff right?? Why should I have to ask him to pay for something? Shouldn't he feel some type of way that I paid so much money and he didn't pitch in a dime? If I don't ask him to help out with anything would he just not care and let me pay for everything? Somebody please tell me, should I have to ask for his help or should he offer to help??? 

kmbryant2413

Stomp your feet some more.

That should do it.

peekaboo2011

You and your FI are getting married and he's not helping pay for the wedding?

I'm confused.

Maggie0829

Did you two not have a discussion about budget and how much each person would be contributing before you started planning?

misshart00

In Response to Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion:[QUOTE]So you are getting married, have a kid together, and can't figure out how to split up who pays for what portion of a joint expense? Maybe you should try premarital counseling. This is about a lot more than wedding planning. Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

All of this. 15 thousand is a lot to put down on a wedding without even talking to your FI.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:a4768b33-977e-48dc-9260-2747a7fbbf12">Re: Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion : You have to tell him what you want.  He can't read your mind.  You need to work out the finances NOW.  The resentment is already building and it will continue to build until you open your mouth and speak up for what you want/need from him.  This will not get better after the wedding.  That ring will not turn him into a mind reader or someone who will willingly give to you without you asking. No he shouldn't feel "some kind of way" about anything. No one can tell you if he wou'ldn't help if you didn't ask but it seems to me based on your above rant that he won't. Do you want the kind of man that will read your mind and offer to help without you even hinting you need help?  I suggest you dump this guy and marry this one: Oooooo-EEEEeeeeee-OOooooooo
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

All of this, including the amusing gifs.

Also, this is a joint expense. Why on earth haven't you two already talked about it? My FI is paying for the majority of our wedding too, but we communicated about splitting wedding and living costs. Communication is key.

beardownbchs

Why are you talking to us about this and not your fiance?

If you're going to marry this man, I would hope that you feel comfortable enough to talk about anything with him.

And I agree with PPs - you need to discuss finances and how those types of things will change after the wedding NOW. Premarital counseling sounds like it would be very beneficial to you.

MoonlightSilver

So you've just been spending money - $15,000 worth - without asking your FI for his input? You realize you're marrying him, not yourself, right? You should go back in time and sit down with him and create a budget. 

monkeysip

First of all.... it's no one's responsibility to pay for your wedding but you and FI.

Second, I don't know your financial situation with each other.  Do you both make decent money?  Do you share finances?  It sounds like since you have a daughter together that you're probably already living together and sharing at least some financial responsibilities, right?

Each couple has to figure this out on their own.  My FI is paying for most of our costs because he has a good full-time job, and I've been finishing school and working part-time.  On the other hand, I've done most of the planning.  That's what works for us, and we agreed to it.

You just need an honest conversation with your FI.  Even for couples who keep separate bank accounts, after you're married, it really is OUR money not MY/YOUR money, you know?  You need to work out how you both view financial responsibility in this family.


ETA:  I don't think he's necessarily selfish either.  Sounds like you just haven't talked about it.

GoodLuckBear14

Why haven't the two of you discussed this?  I see this being a problem in the future if you are already comparing who is paying how much of the expenses.  Learn to talk about this with him.

GoodLuckBear14

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:c1dee2af-4b42-4b8e-b079-c99b8995091b">Re: Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all.... it's no one's responsibility to pay for your wedding but you and FI. Second, I don't know your financial situation with each other.  Do you both make decent money?  Do you share finances?  It sounds like since you have a daughter together that you're probably already living together and sharing at least some financial responsibilities, right? Each couple has to figure this out on their own.  My FI is paying for most of our costs because he has a good full-time job, and I've been finishing school and working part-time.  On the other hand, I've done most of the planning.  That's what works for us, and we agreed to it. You just need an honest conversation with your FI.  <strong>Even for couples who keep separate bank accounts, after you're married, it really is OUR money not MY/YOUR money, you know? </strong> <strong>You need to work out how you both view financial responsibility in this family.
</strong>Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

This.  DH and I never combined accounts but refer to it as "ours" as in "How much ido we have in account A?"  "Our XYZ stock went up"....
</div>

Swazzle

Wedding planning aside, discussing finances (even just in general) with someone you're about to spend your life with is kind of a big deal. Do you live together? 

AddieCake

Should he offer to help? Yes. However, it doesn't sound like you ever talked about it. It sounds like you just started planning and paying for everything. $15,000 is a lot of money to have been spending this whole time and never having discussed it with him. Going forward, you need to sit down, figure out what is left to pay for, and decide who will pay the remainder of the expenses. 

Jessa617

That's a lot of money to put towards a wedding on your own. Did you talk about your budget and what kind of wedding both you and he wanted prior to the planning? Some guys aren't into the whole fancy wedding and maybe he's just turned off. My FI has no part in the planning, mostly because his ideas are just insane, but he knows if I need something to just tell him what it is and he will buy it. We also put together a "wedding jar" so any spare dollars and scratch ticket earnings would go in the jar, that way we know we both contributed and it wasn't just one or the other.

ETA- Your and his parents are not required to help. If they offer, that's a nice gesture but don't hold it against them if they don't.

courtski2004

You obviously have to talk about it and not expect him to do anything. Thats what he has done thus far, while you have shelled out $15K. You and your FI probably need to work on your communication and/or comprehension skills because somewhere, something is getting lost in translation. What do you want from him at this point? A reimbursement?

BTW, your parents/his parents are not obligated to contribute to your wedding.

vanityink

Yeah, once you get married it's going to be "our" money, not "his and mine" at least it should be, in my opinion.

Since fighting about money is one of the top causes for divorce, I'd think you should really talk about this/see about pre-marital counseling. What if one of you stops working to stay home with your kids later on? (him or you) Does that mean all the money becomes the person working's and the stay-at-home parent is a deadbeat who has to ask for an allowence? This is really something to talk about...

harleylady75

Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!

ZiggyZos

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]

Are you serious? I just... Wow. No. Just no.

misshart00

In Response to Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion:[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!! Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]

Why does she need to put her foot down and tell both sets of parents that they have to help? If someone told me what to do with my time or money, especially a FDIL, I would seriously question her maturity.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]<div>
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<img class="image" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/fe00e85e171c98af716d92b9f5b43cbd/tumblr_mg7157OJ771rngv2wo1_400.gif" alt="" width="500" height="280" /></div>

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:3feafa0c-58bf-4c71-a5ff-d3bd0ae00c2b">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion :
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

<div>Starburst up my nose.</div>

MoonlightSilver

This is like asking whether you can ask a man to babysit his own child. No, you can't, because it's called parenting when he watches his own child.

I'm sad the OP hasn't come back to explain more.

Jessa617

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]

First of all, it's SINCE. I rarely correct anyone's grammar, but the sense/since thing drives me up the wall.
Second, this is the worst advice ever. Nobody NEEDS to help with anything except for the bride and groom period. I have a feeling OP just went willy nilly and started booking/buying things without discussing with her FI.

OP- Whatever you do, do not take this advice. You will save yourself a major headache in the future.

Peledreamsofrain

Shoot, I wouldn't want a mind-reading man.  I'd get into SO much trouble.  A lot.  Ok always.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]

<div>Not even a little bit. </div>

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:3feafa0c-58bf-4c71-a5ff-d3bd0ae00c2b">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion :
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

bahahahahaha

courtski2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and <strong>tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded</strong>!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]

Oh, bless your heart.
I'll give you piece of advice my mom gave me the first time she ever heard me say 'That's not fair!"
'Life isn't fair. Get used to it.' Daggone it, she was right.

Additionally, I'm pretty sure that if you were to seriously tell all the parents that they're being 'pigheaded', they will definitely not have any desire to help.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:2ba6f411-8ef2-49f7-b291-2f1b5fabdb90">Re:Selfish Groom I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]Sence you have paid for the wedding, us he gonna pay for your honeymoon??, or does he thinks your gonna pay for the honeymoon??..... You just need to give him the benefit of a dout and tell him the way it is,and tell your parents and his they need to be part of the helping either way, other wise you can tell them its not fair you have to do all the work why all of them are begin pigheaded!!! Its not only yours but its his too!!!! Put your feed down hard and good its not fair that you have to take all the credits!!! Wish you lucky sweety!!!
Posted by harleylady75[/QUOTE]
What language is this?

Angelface225

Come on guys...

stacem24

In Response to Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion:

Ooookay...This is a pretty mean group. For one, I don't expect anyone to pay for the wedding for US. I was just making it clear that I was taking care of it myself. I agree that it is probably my fault that we didn't discuss a budget in the first place but I figured that at some point he would at least offer to cover something small. That's the least you could do as a man for you OWN wedding that your fiance is paying for. I talk with him about everything that we need. Y'all are right though. It is bigger than the wedding. We've been together for five years and he moved in my house the first year we were together. He lived with me for free and didn't offer to pay any bills or help with the mortgage. Although I didn't need help with any of the bills, I just figured that he, as a man, wouldn't feel comfortable mootching off a woman and offer to help. I don't know what I need to communicate about that. I thought it was the norm to offer to help out with something that you are taking part in. You don't have to be a mind reader to know what's right. I agree with the pre-marital counseling and we have it scheduled for next month. Thank you all for the advice.

stacem24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_selfish-groom-i-need-someones-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:69893bb3-c4a2-4a3e-ad7e-00285615ae72Post:a4768b33-977e-48dc-9260-2747a7fbbf12">Re: Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Selfish Groom - I need someone's opinion : You have to tell him what you want.  He can't read your mind.  You need to work out the finances NOW.  The resentment is already building and it will continue to build until you open your mouth and speak up for what you want/need from him.  This will not get better after the wedding.  That ring will not turn him into a mind reader or someone who will willingly give to you without you asking. No he shouldn't feel "some kind of way" about anything. No one can tell you if he wou'ldn't help if you didn't ask but it seems to me based on your above rant that he won't. Do you want the kind of man that will read your mind and offer to help without you even hinting you need help?  I suggest you dump this guy and marry this one: Oooooo-EEEEeeeeee-OOooooooo
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

He doesn't have to be a mind reader to know what's right.