How do I include him?

fishieballerina

When we first got engaged my FH said that he wanted to help plan the wedding. He seemed very enthused about it and even sat down with me one day looking at book after book about budgets and such. We have been engaged for six months now, and I feel like I left him in my planning dust. Everytime I try to get him involved with the planning now, he just rolls his eyes and says "What more do we need to do?!" or "Why are you doing this so early?" I'll tell him that if he doesn't want to help, he doesn't have to, but he always says, "I'll help, I just don't see why we are doing this right now. I don't want you stressing over it for a year."

Here's the thing: I am in college now. We are getting married at the chapel on campus. Next year, I will not be in college, and he is graduating a semester before me even. Once I graduate I have to move back home (which is out of state). I want to get as much done while I am here and can talk to venders in the area and what not and not have this hanging over my head. I don't know why he thinks that me planning it now is going to cause me to stress over it for a year (rather it will do the opposite because it is one more thing for me to cross off the to-do list).

So, I don't know how to involve him. When I try not to, he gets upset with me. When I try to, he tells me it is too soon. I have asked him about it and he just gets upset with me, saying that I am just worrying myself over it and thinking too far into the situation. I am not trying to, but I can't read his signals.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do I deal with this? When we are not talking wedding stuff he is very attentive and "there". I try to make sure that we do things that aren't wedding related, and have made a packed with myself to only discuss wedding stuff twice a week or less so as to not seem overbearing to either of us.

psichick

i find that when FI gets annoyed with the wedding planning it's when we're discussing something that he really doesn't care about. most guys don't care or want to spend hours discussing and choosing flowers, invitations, etc (not that i really do). find the area that he IS interested in and basically put him in charge of it if he wants to help. DJ lists are always a good option.

tvgal1971

In my experience, guys don't get the whole picture.  They don't realize all that is involved in planning.  My fiance will research the right motor oil for days, but thinks it's ridiculous that I'm spending so much time designing the invitations.  He just views it differently. I recommend limiting the items you involve your fiance in.  My guy doesn't care about colors, flowers, favors, invitations, etc, but he has been involved in venue, food, DJ and photographer.  Sometimes his timeline is different than mine, which presents a challenge, but we're still getting things done.  Also, I am trying to not talk about the wedding all the time...especially the stuff he's not interested in.

Good luck and enjoy the planning!!

fairy_diva

My FI is the same.  He can plan his hunting season/trips from JUne to October but doesn't get it when I say we have to plan early to get what we want. I have decided that I'll run the major decisions by him but other wise I will not stress that he's not into the wedding planning.

duckie1905

DH isn't a wedding person, but you know what, he wanted the wedding too so he had to help.  There simply wasn't another option.  There was no way I was doing it all by myself.

I asked him what he cared about, he told me, and those are the things he was responsible for.  I gave him a basic timeline for when these things needed to be done, and they were done.

aerinpegadrak

FI didn't really care to start from scratch on anything, and he didn't really respond much to open-ended questions.  If I narrow something down to three or four choices and then let him choose, he'll either chime right in or confess that he really doesn't care and leave it up to me.

It sounds like you guys are haing trouble communicating if he's being this difficult about wedding talk.  Have you looked into pre-marital counseling?  That can really help.

lisarose7

I can sympathize.  My FI complains that I don't include him in the planning, but whenever I try to involve him, he's not interested.  "Honey, do you want to come see the ceremony site before Mom and I sign the contract?" "I've been over in that area before, I get the idea." "We have to go up there together sometime and choose a judge." "Can't you just pick one?" "Have you asked your groomsmen to be in the wedding yet?" "I told them years ago that when I got married I wanted them in the wedding, so they already know." (I ended up asking one of the groomsmen myself)  Fortunately I know his tastes and he KNOWS I know his tastes, so he trusts me to make decisions that he agrees with.

kmm2150

I would suggest making a not-too-detailed list of everything you need to do for the wedding (don't list every single undergarment you need to buy and every tasting to go on, just 'book reception hall,'  finalize menu, order invitations"), and make deadlines for yourself.  Then share that with him and tell him what you've told us - I want to have this done in advance so I'm NOT stressing about it up until the day of the wedding.  I think once he understands that, and sees a more black and white check list, it'll be easier for him, 1, to understand why you're working on things "so early," and 2, to pick and choose what things he wants to be part of and what he doesn't. 

mn2italy

I am having the same experience with my FI. Sometimes he says "it's your day, do what you want." Other times its "You're not including me. I have no idea what's going on." Or "do we have to talk about it now?" Same thing with the HM. I wanted to get the hotels booked so we could get a good rate at an affordable hotel, he wanted to look for hotels when we got there! We're honeymooning in Italy! *sigh*

It was becoming a tense topic until a few weeks ago when we had a long and at times not-nice conversation about it. He has a very stressful job so I thought I was helping him by not going to him with every detail. But he felt like the wedding was totally out of his control. So I filled him in on all the details we have left with a have to have completed by date, and things are going better. I try not to mention the wedding every day, and when I do bring something up I'll say something like "we have 4 more weeks to get this done."

kmm2150 had a great suggestion in the PP! I've been thinking about making a general list with due dates so he can see the big picture.

Btw - the only thing he's excited about so far is the cake tasting :-)