My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder

larsoncp

My husband to be and I got engaged the first of September 2011. We have been together nearly 5 years. We were planning our wedding before we got engaged, (taboo I know) because we wanted to make sure we wanted similar things. To give ourselves enough time to save and plan, (and because my older sister was getting married this year) we decided to wait until October of 2013 mostly out of respect for my sister's big day and my family.

Just before Easter my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend got engaged, and he said that out of respect for us, they were going to wait until the spring after we were married to tie the knot themselves. Very respectful, I thought, especially since our themes are nearly identical and neither one of us are budging.

Recently my husband to be found out that his brother has decided to move his wedding up to the spring before ours. Which for us, is a problem. We've had our date set since December 2011 and have the Hall reserved and the wedding mostly planned. My brother-in-law to be, however, keeps changing the date and the location, and I feel like he's trying to take away from our day.

I do not want to get married the same year one of our siblings gets married, it's too much on the family. So if they decide to get married before us then it's going to be a lot of re-planning on our end to pick a new date and possibly find a new venue because they're considering using the one that we picked.

I don't know what to do. Everyone in the family seems to agree that my future brother-in-law is being disrespectful and selfish, and I'm just all together hurt by the entire situation.  I haven't talked to him yet because I don't even know what I'd say.

Do I move my date? Change my venue? Give up my Theme? And pretty much replan my entire wedding because they don't want to wait their turn? Am I being irrational?

mosaicmoscato

I honestly would feel the same, its natural. Especially since you've been planning this for a long time. If I were you I would stick to my date and have a heart to heart with your brother in law. If he keeps changing his date it doesn't sound like he is dead set on a date. It would be different if the date meant something to him or his FI. Since it doesn't I would give it a try

amymaysa

I could see you being this upset if they were setting a date the weekend before or after your date,  but asking that no one get married in the same year as you is  bit much. 

You are planning Oct 2013 and they are planning Spring 2013. That is more than enough time between.
Will a lot of family have to travel? Yes, some may not be able to attend both if they have to travel, but asking others to wait a year is a bit much.

You get one day, they get one day. They can happen in the same year. You aren't the first family to have 2 weddings in a year and you won't be the last.

I think it is selfish to ask someone not to have their wedding in the same 365 day span as yours.

mosaicmoscato

I'm not saying she should FORCE him into changing his date, I simply meant she could discuss the issue to him. There are many circumstances that come into play when planning a wedding I'm sure you know and she picked a date so far out for a reason. No, it's not the end of the world if they get married the same year but I completely understand what she mean't about feeling like he is stealing her thunder. There really is no need to be rude and post mean and ridicilous comments about me or her, she is just asking for help.

GoodLuckBear14

ONE day.  That is all you get.  You don't get to reserve the entire year for your wedding.  When your FBIL gets married is none of your business so just keep quiet and continue planning your wedding.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_my-brother-in-law-to-be-is-stealing-our-thunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:94e396b2-6bae-48a3-a976-01bda426bbe7Post:81254f11-f4d7-40ca-9a7b-a0e7777339f3">Re: My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying she should FORCE him into changing his date, I simply meant she could discuss the issue to him. There are many circumstances that come into play when planning a wedding I'm sure you know and she picked a date so far out for a reason. No, it's not the end of the world if they get married the same year but I completely understand what she mean't about feeling like he is stealing her thunder. There really is no need to be rude and post mean and ridicilous comments about me or her, she is just asking for help.
Posted by blscholl1645[/QUOTE]
Look at how crazy this discussion would sound...<div>
</div><div>OP: "Hey BIL- I wanted to talk to you about something. We don't want you to get married in the same year as us."</div><div>
</div><div>SAME YEAR! Not same day, week, or even month but she doesn't want them to get married in the same year as her!</div>

lls31

Yes, you are being irrational.

FI and I must be very selfish and disrespectful in your eyes.  My sister was engaged a year before us and she and her FI had their date set long ago for July 2012.  When FI and I got engaged in September 2011, we chose to get married in November 2012.  They get their one day in July, we get our one day in November.  I am happy for my sister, she is happy for me.  End of story.

mosaicmoscato

Sorry if you believe my advice is bad, I'm just saying what I would do. I, again, would NOT be like oh hey 2013 is reserved for me because its my wedding. No not like that AT ALL because yes that is ridicilous. I'm just putting myself in her shoes, we had a set wedding date where as my BIL changed his date multiple times. If they chose the date once n stuck to it, ok different, but they seem to be bouncing around with dates so it's not like theirs is set in stone. So, I would talk to him see why he is doing it, and just see what's going on! It's not for my sake, I mean yes we both get our days which is all that matters, I just feel bad that since they are family I'm assuming a nice portion of her guest list is on his, & attending & planning a wedding are large deals financially especially out of towners with kids I mean the airfare must be outrageous. I feel awful hauling everyone out, and then a few months later bring them back. We personally couldn't afford that & would be in the very awkard situaton of having to chose which wedding to attend. So just to be clear I'm not saying for her to talk/force him into changing dates, I personally would just bring up my concerns. Maybe both people change dates so they are a few more months apart to give guests more wiggle room financially. All I'm saying.

AdeleDazeem

My husband and I got engaged in March 2009.  My sister and her husband were engaged in July 2009.  My sister and her husband married in May 2010.  My husband and I got married in May 2011.  They were engaged after us and got married before us.  I did. not. care.

You don't want to get married in the same YEAR as any of your siblings?  I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.  They can get married whenever they want, whatever date works for them and their guest lists and it really has nothing to do with you.

cwaggoner07

This is ridiculous. Your wedding is one day, you get one day. What a fun year for the families! It shouldn't be a competition. You're completely overreacting.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_my-brother-in-law-to-be-is-stealing-our-thunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:94e396b2-6bae-48a3-a976-01bda426bbe7Post:6f77de7f-e1a0-4dda-aff3-772415b3c055">Re: My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if you believe my advice is bad, I'm just saying what I would do. I, again, would NOT be like oh hey 2013 is reserved for me because its my wedding. No not like that AT ALL because yes that is ridicilous. I'm just putting myself in her shoes, we had a set wedding date where as my BIL changed his date multiple times. If they chose the date once n stuck to it, ok different, but they seem to be bouncing around with dates so it's not like theirs is set in stone. <strong>So, I would talk to him see why he is doing it, and just see what's going on! It's not for my sake</strong>, I mean yes we both get our days which is all that matters, I just feel bad that since they are family I'm assuming a nice portion of her guest list is on his, & attending & planning a wedding are large deals financially especially out of towners with kids I mean the airfare must be outrageous. I feel awful hauling everyone out, and then a few months later bring them back. We personally couldn't afford that & would be in the very awkard situaton of having to chose which wedding to attend. So just to be clear I'm not saying for her to talk/force him into changing dates, I personally would just bring up my concerns. Maybe both people change dates so they are a few more months apart to give guests more wiggle room financially. All I'm saying.
Posted by blscholl1645[/QUOTE]

<div>But it would be for your sake if you were the OP because the OP doesn't want to share her wedding year. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

mbody

OP, it sounds like you've stepped outta your mind. I hate to break it to you, but you get one day. ONE. That's it. There is no such thing as 'calling 2013' for a wedding year. Pist, others can get married in the same year as you... and yes, even FBILs can.

Let your FBIL and his FI pick their date. Nothing about this concerns you. Keep your mouth shut and get over yourself.

mosaicmoscato

"I do not want to get married the same year one of our siblings gets married, it's too much on the family. So if they decide to get married before us then it's going to be a lot of re-planning on our end to pick a new date and possibly find a new venue because they're considering using the one that we picked. "

It's about the family, everyone has different situations and the most important thing to me in having my family there on my big day. If this was jeopardized by the fact that my BIL is having a wedding 2 months after me I would be upset espcially since she stated he has changed the date and location several times. She is even willing to change her date to have people attend. I don't think she wants the whole year to herself, maybe I'm reading into this more than some people I have a tendency to do that, but she just wants her family to come. If her situation was that they just planned months apart and family can afford to go to both then yes I completely agree that she is being irrational. BUT I believe her situation is different. My family couldn't afford to go to both weddings which would crush me. It's NOT ABOUT THE DATE its about who can come & I would be frusterated that if even after knowing this my BIL changed his date closer to mine. I'm putting myself in her shoes & I would be annoyed in this situation. In any other circumstance yes, it would be exciting to have multiple weddings in one year if your family can afford it.

cwaggoner07

And if it makes you that unhappy, wait until their date is final, and then move it to 2014. It's not THEIR responsibility to move their date if it makes YOU uncomfortable.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_my-brother-in-law-to-be-is-stealing-our-thunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:94e396b2-6bae-48a3-a976-01bda426bbe7Post:6f77de7f-e1a0-4dda-aff3-772415b3c055">Re: My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if you believe my advice is bad, I'm just saying what I would do. I, again, would NOT be like oh hey 2013 is reserved for me because its my wedding. No not like that AT ALL because yes that is ridicilous. I'm just putting myself in her shoes, we had a set wedding date where as my BIL changed his date multiple times. If they chose the date once n stuck to it, ok different, but they seem to be bouncing around with dates so it's not like theirs is set in stone. So, I would talk to him see why he is doing it, and just see what's going on! It's not for my sake, I mean yes we both get our days which is all that matters, I just feel bad that since they are family I'm assuming a nice portion of her guest list is on his, & attending & planning a wedding are large deals financially especially out of towners with kids I mean the airfare must be outrageous. I feel awful hauling everyone out, and then a few months later bring them back. We personally couldn't afford that & would be in the very awkard situaton of having to chose which wedding to attend. So just to be clear I'm not saying for her to talk/force him into changing dates, I personally would just bring up my concerns. Maybe both people change dates so they are a few more months apart to give guests more wiggle room financially. All I'm saying.
Posted by blscholl1645[/QUOTE]

I have a cousin (Jane) who chose a date the same year as her sister (Mary).  Mary had set her date first decided to confront Jane about this, much in the same way you are advising, because Mary was afraid people wouldn't come to her wedding because Jane's wedding was first.  Guess what?  The two of them were barely on speaking terms for two years and now four years later they still haven't gotten over the pain caused by Mary thinking she got the whole year to herself and their husbands are caught in the middle.

It's fine to put yourself in someone's shoes but it's not okay to give advice that is really pretty bad and then get bent out of shape when people call you on it.

mosaicmoscato

Sorry I don't know how to do that quote thing, but that was her original quote.

mbody

If OP is that unhappy that FBIL is getting married too close to her, then she needs to be the one to switch date, b/c she's the one upset. Why should FBIL cater to her absurd requests?

mosaicmoscato

Ok I'm sorry you don't agree, we will just agree to disagree. I just feel that a lot of you just think she wants the whole year to herself which is not the case. I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt. You use these boards for help & bashing her & telling her shes selfish and horrible doesn't help. I believe in talking things out. It works for some doesn't for others. I never meant to ruffle feathers with this post I just tried to see her side and give her a solution without bashing the girl. Sure she can change her date but since her BIL is so flaky with his date what if he changes his again after she wasted all the money she put into her original wedding? If she is adament about being able to have her whole family attend both weddings (which is understandable) then make sure the BIL is SET IN STONE on his date before she changes hers. Then everyone is happy. I was trying to take a different view on this debate by understanding she is not trying to be selfish & wanting an entire year to herself. That is hard to do anyways. I found out last month not one but two other people I invited to my wedding are getting married the same day as me AFTER I set my date. I'm not upset, I'm happy for them and plan on sending each of them a gift. I don't support year long weddings. I'm in favor of family being able to attend both weddings and I feel that's all she wanted. You just gotta do the best you can. I don't feel bad about taking a different stance. I'm sorry if you disagree maybe if you reread her message to understand her true problem you can change your mind. If not, its ok. People have different opinions. Just because people do though doesn't make them insane, selfish, stupid, etc. That's not right. So again sorry for people who disagree with me on my different opinion I really didn't want to make people mad I just tried to defend myself/her but it's obvious were not going to agree so I'd like to leave it at that...

HobokensFury

OP You're ridiculous. Plain and simple.

jennipea382

I could MAYBE understand if it was the same month or within a week, that would kinda suck for OOT guests. But the same year? Really? I'd be THRILLED if my sister finally got married, no matter when it was. Two of my best friends are getting married June after me (I'm in March) and I have no issue with it. Sure, it's not family, but I'm in both weddings so it's going to be a little bit of a pain to get off work for the rehearsals and weddings in the same month. But you know what? I'd NEVER ask them to change their dates because it somehow inconvenienced me.

Same YEAR? Really?

bridget1312

Ya, just keep your mouth shut...  My FI's bro got engaged a few months before we did.  At first they said they were going to wait a while before the big day, then chose a destination wedding, JULY 2012.  We got engaged this past November, I have always wanted a summer beach wedding, but we didn't want it to be too close to thiers, so we waited a couple months later.  Just  a couple tho, we're doing ours in Sept.  We had no intention at all of trying to take anything away from them.   People dont do these things to hurt your feelings or trying to steal your thunder, its probably just the best time for them...  Your day will be YOUR DAY!!!  Enjoy it and don't let these little things bother you.  You don't want to start an unnecessary conflict between you and your inlaws at all..  keep it cool..  good luck and congratulations!!!!
     

Benny618

My brother proposed to his gf 2 weeks after my FI proposed to me, however we all knew my brother was planning to propose (if anything, my FI was freaking out that he might steal my brothers thunder, but my parents assured him he should not worry about it and propose to me as he had planned).  I'm so glad that my parents didn't tell him to wait because he was ready to propose and I can't imagine my brother or his now FI wanting us to wait a year just because they are getting married. 

Anyway my brother got engaged after us, but is getting married 5 months before us.  He was respectful of making his wedding at least a few months apart from ours since so many guests will be the same.  We also have very different taste so I'm not too worried about the few things that might be similar.  We are purposely having a different band, different venue, whole different feel to the wedding.

I do agree though that it is NOT right that your FBIL might consider using your venue.  That's just crazy.  I think your FI needs to talk to his brother and set him straight... I don't know who is paying for this wedding but if their parents are involved in paying, they should also sit down their son and tell him he's wrong.  Sounds like your FBIL and his FI might be purposely trying to steal your thunder, maybe out of jealousy?  All i know is that I'm in a similar situation but we are all being respectful of eachother.  Also we are not telling eachother every detail of our planning because it's better to keep quiet than risk feeling like someone "copied"

mbody

Yeah, who cares about the same venue? I mean, in some locations there aren't many venues to choose from. A venue is just a location that the ceremony and/or reception is held. Just because two people within the same family have the same location, it doesn't make one more or less special than the other.

eripat17

I have 3 family weddings this year...Cousin 1 this weekend, cousin 2 (they're sisters) Mid-July and then finally our wedding in September. None of our family is upset, everyone is happy for everyone, and no one is "stealing thunder" from anyone else.  It's just that 2012 happened  to be the wedding year!  We're all in each others weddings, it's hectic, crazy and so amazingly fun!  Op you need to get over it and be happy for your FAMILY.

Benny618

It seems like it depends where you live.  We are both getting married in NJ and there are SO many venue options that it would seem very strange if we both got married at the same catering hall.  I absolutely feel that the 2 venues we picked are very different and fit our personalities.  If I grew up somewhere that did not have a million venue options perhaps sharing a venue with my brother (5 months apart) would not bother me.

jennipea382

My cousins (siblings) had their receptions at the same place (though a few years apart). If anything, it was more convenient to the guests because they already knew were it was. I don't remember hearing anyone say they had a problem with it, but then again I was 8 and 13 at their weddings so I probably wouldn't have noticed the comments.

lyndausvi

OP - you are being ridiculous.  There is no need for BIL and FSIL to have to wait 2 YEARS to get married just so they get married after you.  It's ridiculous.   You pick your date, they will pick theirs.     When I got married I wanted to be married.   There is no way in hell I would have waited 2 YEARS to get married.  I would not have gotten married with 1-2 months of a siblings, but I'm not putting my life on hold for another couple.  Sorry, not happening.    I'm old fashion and didn't want to have kids before I got married.  Waiting 2 years to start a family just so I don't get married the same year as a siblings it just stupid. 

  By your logic if your FI has another siblings wanting to get married they would have to wait until 2015.   Don't you see ridiculous that sounds?


My brother got married in Feb and my sister got married in Nov.   NBD.   I've have 3 sets of sibling cousins - maybe more if I really thought about it -  that got married within 4-7 months of each other.  Again NBD. 

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_my-brother-in-law-to-be-is-stealing-our-thunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:94e396b2-6bae-48a3-a976-01bda426bbe7Post:e2edf7f4-ea19-4768-98d6-6e8ea536d4bc">Re: My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Brother-In-Law to be is Stealing Our Thunder : No venue is ever unique to that one couple.  That's like saying no one can get married in the same church ever.  It happens.  The weddings will be different b/c they have different WP, different B/G and most likely different colors, dresses, decor, etc.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]


DITTO x1million.

My grandparents, parents, sister, aunts and a few cousins all got married in the same church.   

Most receptions I went to were spread out between about 4-5 different venues.  Our family is so big, add in not having an ulimited budget and well there are only so many places to choose from.   I've never walked into a wedding venue that was used before and thought "um, so-n-so are copy-cats".

pkontk

OP, you have your date.  People know your date, so you may end up getting more family members than your FBIL because they can already start making plans.

Do not talk to him about it, you will look like a bridezilla.

FI and I each have/had a cousin get married in this year, 2012, and we're getting married in Sept.  My cousin got married in February.  His will get married in July.  Not a bolt of lightning or a pound of thunder were stolen.

runpipparun

My brother and I are getting married in spring of the same year, and neither his fiance nor I are fighting over the spotlight. We really couldn't care less. It's great; we have someone to gripe to about what a pain it all is. Neither is her mom nor my mom asking the other to change her daughter's day. We will be in each other's weddings and everything will be fine. In fact, I am trying to HELP her, as my brother is in fact a hindrance to his own wedding. Ugh.

QueerFemme

OP ... you are being ridiculous.  You started planning your wedding years ago.   If you were worried about being married first... you shoulda had a cheapo wedding so you could be FIRST !

News flash... the world doesn't revolve around you or your wedding. People make decisions (even their wedding date) on what is best for them.   They aren't picking their wedding date to piss you off. They want to get married !  Just like you.

Suck it up, have your wedding when you planned and stop freaking out over stuff that isn't even about you.

Edited for clarification