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Have you lost friends since getting engaged? /Vent

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Re: Have you lost friends since getting engaged? /Vent

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_lost-friends-getting-engaged-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b407d979-bdb2-4fa8-b492-35cf9f72b7baPost:8efe3278-5608-4da3-a650-16992085237b">Re: Have you lost friends since getting engaged? /Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, I guess what stuck out to me was : "Recently he asked me if I was sure about my FI. Well no I"m not sure, I don't have a crystal ball. I can't see the future" What do you mean no you're not sure? You dont have a crystal ball and can't see the future? If anyone asked me my response would be an unfailing YES! I am sure! I can't see the future but I don't need to!! If I had a friend that responded this way to that question I would doubt them too. I'm sorry. Maybe, I am misunderstanding what was meant in that statement, but I would be concerned about that response.
    Posted by Tarra+Trav[/QUOTE]
    That's a good point, I noticed that and thought her response was weird as well. I forgot about it in the midst of focusing on the diickhead friend's happy birthday post.

    OP, if that is really how you feel about your future with your FI, you might want to consider counseling. I suppose I can't say with 100% certainty that H and I will stay together forever because who knows what could happen, but I CAN say with 100% certainty that I will do what I can to keep us together. I also would answer the "are you sure" question with "Yes, I'm sure, I want to marry my FI and be with him forever."
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    I cut out a friend since my relationship with H started.  He always had this thing for me and is a clingy, needy person who thinks the world revolves around him.  I didn't need that in my life.  Plus, he disrespected H once when we went out for this friend's b-day.  That was it. 

    If he's always negative that's his prerogative, you don't need to deal with it.
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    I read most of these posts, and its unfortunate that text often gets misconstrued. But let's stick to facts.
    This guy is clearly not a friend. Friends don't act that way. If a friend has a problem, they will bring it up directly and with some degree of tact or respect. This person has not done that, so to me that's all I'd need to show this person the door. Especially regarding a situation that is a happy one, and has NO impact on your friend's life. Its not like you getting married puts any kind of responsibility on him. His 'happy birthday' comment is a temper tantrum, and it seems like you don't want to deal with that, so don't.
    And, at the end of the day, other people's opinions of you are none of your business. Once you accept that, its a really freeing feeling. Not everyone has to like you, or your relationship, and once you stop caring about that, you can focus on what's important. This guy is a d*ck. That's it. Move on, and he's the one that has to lose a friend - you just got rid of an asshole from your life. Clearly its his loss.
    Congratulations, btw! I also had an unconventional start to my relationship (we started living together after two weeks of dating) and SEVEN years later, we're getting married - I'm just letting that fact be my response to the nay sayers from my past. I don't even have to address it! :)
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    AmethystMSU- I agree. Like I said, maybe I just misunderstood the context, but I know that if I had a friend who responded this way I would feel like I should ask them more about it. I do not believe that entitles this friend to be a bully! or to be rude/mean/malicious. He does sound like he is being selfish, and there is certainly a better way to handle the situation. Maybe he just doesn't know how now that the whole thing has spun so far out of control. I guess if it were me I would talk to someone who really is a friend and is a level headed person (or a parent/sibling/counselor). I would get an honest opinion from someone who knows me and my fiance and hear them out. As for the friend- if he's meant to be in your life then he will be. Maybe one day this will blow over and you will both move on. If not, then count your blessings and be grateful for what you do have.
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    Since FI and I started dating, both of us have lost very close friends. Mainly because we were moving out of the barhopping/club scene and wanted to spend our time doing other things. Those friends didn't understand and were upset that we had changed our ways. We quit drinking liquor because we realized that our relationship was more important, and they scoffed at us. 

    Our relationship has moved faster than most as well. We met and started dating just a short 9 months ago, became engaged on Nov. 23rd...and I know without a doubt that he is the man I am to marry. A year, a month, a week...it wouldn't have mattered. I knew INSTANTLY. 

    In the past year, I've had to take a good, hard look at the people I called my friends...and realized that most just weren't good people. I'd rather surround myself with a few close GREAT friends, than have countless acquantances. Life is too short to spend it with negative people. 

    I wish you luck, OP, and know that there are going to be more. If the friend doesn't want to grow with you, and tries to hold you down...well, they were never that great of friend to begin with. (hugs)
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    I have lost some friends. I discovered that a buch of my Chick friends started treating me differnt after the engamnet. I could not figure out why. When I finally pushed one of them on it she told me that I had always be the "modle signal" woman in our group. Although I was in a realtionship, everyone always felt like I was the one who gave hope to being a stong independent woman... No need for a man or realtionship.

    Now that Im engaged, that has all changed, and the woman I am around are worried about their own relationships and have to "relable" me from the status they had previoslly asined.

    Its hard, But I know that its not my issue it's theres. I hope that everyone come around by the wedding.
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    My boyfriend and I met about 4 years ago, but we never had a conversation because I was in a relationship and, as he felt attracted to me, he was afraid of talking to me and being rejected, I just noticed that he used to look at me a lot (he thought I never noticed).   Well, after that, when I was totally single and we could finally talk, the first person that he told about our first conversation was a friend we have in common, and after that, we have just gained friends and found that we have a lot of friends in common! When the people started knowing about our relationship, we made more and more friends!

    My advice: Just cut that person from your life!  That guy is not worthy to be called your friend.
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    My GUT reaction to this - once you mentioned the friend was a male - was that HE is interested in YOU.  I don't care how many times you/the two of you talk about how you wouldn't work out.  People can say lots of things they don't really feel.

    I'm sorry you think you lost a friend, but it sounds like he wasn't much of a friend to begin with.  My advice? Move on.  Maybe don't go to the extreme of shutting him out completely, but be perfectly clear that you are moving forward with your life, and if he wants to be a positive part of it, that's wonderful. If not, you have plenty of other things to worry about.

    People get SO weird around weddings/engagements.  I "lost" my cousin (!!!), even though I was her MOH.  My fiance's mother has not said one word to him since our engagement (despite her many public and private proclimations of her adoration of me/us as a couple).  I don't know WHY people freak out like they do, but they do.

    But in the end, it's about you committing to the love of your life for the rest of your lives.  Embrace the people that are happy for & supportive of you.  Let the rest fall where they may.
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    I have lost a friend and some are as close since the engagement. I lost my best friend actually (female). Once I got engaged she started bad mouthing my FI which, she never met face to face. Everytime he was not around me when she called he was cheating. I am having a destination wedding and she was my MOH ( and my sister). I asked her about ten times if she would be able make it paying for a one person room which, is more expensive. Everytime she said yeah, then she decided to call me with an entourage on the phone to tell me why she could not be in my wedding (they did more of the talking) She even tried to talk me out of marrying him then. One thing I can say is that she has always tried to compete with me. 

    I think for you the guy likes you and never told you. Probably thought he would date you and probably thought he had time to do it. NOW time has ran out. 
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    I had the same problem, all of them ended up saying in the end how they never had a chance with me, basically they had a thing for me. you have to also think to yourself that a real friend wouldnt make comments like that that they know would hurt you. That person isnt a true friend he has other intentions.
    I  cut those people out of my life and i couldnt be happier, no one needs to be told negative things like that, marriage already is of course a serious and can be a scary thing this is the time for friends and family to be supportive, and if they cant be supportive then they dont deserve to be apart of your wedding or in your life.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_lost-friends-getting-engaged-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b407d979-bdb2-4fa8-b492-35cf9f72b7baPost:ea3b2262-7d06-4d3b-84dc-c9f4acf0b0eb">Re: Have you lost friends since getting engaged? /Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Both my FI and I lost friends pretty much from when we first started dating. Our beginning was very unconventional. When FI and I met we became friends and began to develop feelings for one another. It was uncomfortable because he was in a relationship going on 4 years. We both struggled to decide what we were going to do. Once we decided we wanted to be together, his main group of friends dropped him and I lost a few friends as well. Honestly, I feel awful about how we first came to be. But I don't regret it. I know he's the one for me. We've moved on and are very excited to get married. We recently celebrated our 2 year anniversary and I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else.
    Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]


    Your story is kind of like mine. Only my fiance was engaged to my good friend and she left him for another guy. He and I started haning out then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I lost my friend because she said she still had feelings for him. But I didn't know. She had even told him there was no chance they would get back together and that he should move on.
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    I feel like my friends treat me a little differenly now that I am engaged. I don't get invited to as many things as I did before, but that may be because I am about the only one engaged in my group. I do notice that some of my guy friends treat me a little differently too, as in they don't even contact me anymore unless I contact them. I don't know if it's because they liked me, or that they feel they are afraid to cross grounds or something. But in the end, I realized you are only going to want people in your life that are going to be happy for you, and if these people can't be happy for you or support you, why have them in your life anyways. But I agree with everyone else, he probably likes you and doesn't know how to show it but by being mean.
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    sorry i am new to this board so i don't mean to hop into tis post but I saw it on the main knot board and thought it was interesting.

    My answer to the OP's question is Yes. I do believe people lose friends.

    If we are going beyond your question and if you are concerned about this friend, from what I skimmed through he's actually not a FRIEND at all. Friends are fun and supportive. You want to be around them and they make you laugh not cry. I don't think this "friend" does any of those things, so I'd drop him like a hot potato.

    Finally, if you are looking for feedback on others. here is mine: Yes, I do think people lose friends. Because we are all human and the feelings and emotions of humans are all unique, and personal. Therefore some friends may feel like they are losing you, or are jealous, or feel that you are making a choice they wouldnt. I find that oftentimes, when faced with big life decisions, ,people don't look at you  and your situation. They put THEMSELVES into the situation. IE. When you tell your friend youa re getting married, he may be thinking of his OWN love life. It brings up all kidns of feelings. Some friends might not agree with marriage- and therefore they think about this- not your relationship when they formulate opinions. Or maybe a friend is just dying to "be married" and when you tell them you are engaged, they feel bitter nad jealous adn think "why not me".
    They can't help those feelings. but GOOD friends, get over those feelings. It might take a minute or a day. but eventually they get BEYOND themselves and they are happy for you and ready to celebrate.
    crappy friends can never see beyond themselves.

    That's my two cents
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