NWR:Vent- long sorry

shanding4787

So FI's father had back surgery last month and will be in the hospital for another month or so. When he comes home, he'll more than likely still be in a wheelchair (he's suffering HOPEFULLY temporary paralysis since the surgery). While visiting him over the weekend, he told FI and I about his big plan to take out a loan and update the house, which it needs BAD. Here's the problem. He excepts FI and I to take care of everything...as if we dont have enough on our plates with work and the wedding coming in just a few months. FI tried telling him that he should just hire professionals and be done with it but FFIL says no, it's cheaper if we do the work ourselves and have our friends who can, help also (eg, plumbers, electricians, etc). And it's not like he ASKED us to help, he straight up TOLD us what we needed to do. 

I know the house needs to get in good shape, but FI did a LOT of work last summer on their house (cleaned out their 2 car garage so they can park in it, ripped up the carpet on the first floor and put tile down, cleaned out the whole basement and got rid of a bunch of stuff) and now it's all completely gone to hell again. They are really bad hoarders and have NINE animals who run the house and do whatever they want. FI has 2 brothers, one of which lives in the house, and both of them refuse to help at all.  

I just feel it's unfair for them to ask us to do all this, especially now, knowing that they aren't going to take care of it. I am ALL for getting the house wheelchair accesible, but he wants to do an all around remodel and we just aren't up for it.  Sorry, just had to vent. I'm sure PMS has a lot to do with it right now, but this is really bothering/upsetting me.

kmmssg

FI needs to tell his dad he can't do what he's expecting.  Will he do that?

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:65817dce-2276-450a-9ef8-87324c672581">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]FI needs to tell his dad he can't do what he's expecting.  Will he do that?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

He wants to but he feels guily about saying no since FFIL is still in the hospital and partially paralyzed. He knows just as much as I do that all of the work we do is going to be a complete waste of our time.

MrsGandthebeag

Do you guys live there too?  If not, I'd say he needs to tell his dad he's not going to do it.  The dad can't force him.  

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:b51c00d4-3dbc-423d-ab85-ffbbf7ccab54">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you guys live there too?  If not, I'd say he needs to tell his dad he's not going to do it.  The dad can't force him.  
Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

No we do not. He has one brother who lives there and refuses to help with anything at all. We actually live 30 minutes away, so it's not like we're that close either.

NYCMercedes

Is there a way you can just make it accessible for him without doing a full remodel? Alternatively, can the professionals do that minimum for him so he is comfortable and you guys finis next year? This must be such a difficult decision and conversation for your FI.

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:b57e3e71-32e8-436e-838f-1fcb211e493e">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there a way you can just make it accessible for him without doing a full remodel? Alternatively, can the professionals do that minimum for him so he is comfortable and you guys finis next year? This must be such a difficult decision and conversation for your FI.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

FI have talked about just making it handicap accessible. The problem is, the only bathroom downstairs doesn't have a shower, so the one at the top of the stairs on the second level is going to be the one he has to use, but it's not a working bathroom. But in order to get that bathroom in working condition, the plumbing in it AND the kitchen need to be fixed. FFIL says if they have to do the plumbing he just wants to get it all done at once. We're just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sassenach1743

Are they paying for your wedding or something? Why would he just tell you that you HAVE to do it? And what's with the lazy brother? 

I don't blame you for being upset, PMS or not. You guys are 3 months away from your wedding, the LAST thing you need to take on is a full remodel of THEIR house! So sorry your FILs sound pretty crazy. Hope you and your FI can get this straightened out. 

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:a21b3e12-51d7-4c06-b986-4997e280d239">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Are they paying for your wedding or something? Why would he just tell you that you HAVE to do it? And what's with the lazy brother?  I don't blame you for being upset, PMS or not. You guys are 3 months away from your wedding, the LAST thing you need to take on is a full remodel of THEIR house! So sorry your FILs sound pretty crazy. Hope you and your FI can get this straightened out. 
Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

No, FI and I are paying for it ourselves. And they just assume we'll keep doing the work since we've helped them out before. I dont mind helping but not when I know it's going to be a complete waste of time. THey dont care about their house at all. And his brother...well he's the baby of the family, and has no job and just freeloads off them. His mom tells me all the time he's too young and blah blah blah which is BS. He's 4 days younger than me, and we'll both be 26 in April.

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:7183dd6d-937d-4435-b0b3-3841783fe520">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Based on the questions pps have asked and your responses, I'd say it's time for FI to grow a pair.  Trust me, this will only get harder as time goes on and next thing you know, FFIL will be making plans to move in with you when his health declines or expecting you guys to move back in with him.  This is NOT a good precident to set and your FI needs to get some distance and learn to tell his family no sooner rather than later.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly. </div>

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:7183dd6d-937d-4435-b0b3-3841783fe520">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Based on the questions pps have asked and your responses, I'd say it's time for FI to grow a pair.  Trust me, this will only get harder as time goes on and next thing you know, FFIL will be making plans to move in with you when his health declines or expecting you guys to move back in with him.  This is NOT a good precident to set and your FI needs to get some distance and learn to tell his family no sooner rather than later.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



He normally has no problem standing up to them but I think with the situation with his dad, he feels like a horrible person saying no to him.

Avion22

Does your FFIL have the money to cover the cost of hiring a professional to make these modifications, but is just being stingy?  Or does he not have the money at all?    If it's a matter of him being able to afford it, then maybe there is charity or resource in your local area that can help?   I'd see if his doctor can put him in touch with a social worker.  

If he cannot afford to pay for the modifications and can't find any help, then that makes it a really tough situation.   On one hand, I feel like if you're family, you are obligated to at least TRY to help out.  Yes, it would have been nice if he had asked for it instead of assuming that you would do all of the work yourselves, but FFIL is also probably under a lot of stress right now.  You don't say if he is usually like this, or if this is a new bahavior for him.  If he was normally a nice, sweet, thoughtful guy, I might be willing to overlook this one transgression and help out.   

The only other thing I can suggest would be to try to compromise -- maybe tell FFIL you can help out only for a few hours on Sunday afternoons, but otherwise you are booked solid.  Or maybe agree to help with one small project but not the rest.   Or if you don't have the means to help with the home repairs, offer some other kind of help, like bringing meals once a week.  This way you are helping in a way that YOU are able to, not in a way that he has already decided you will....if that makes sense.

 

shanding4787

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwrvent-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d4ebbce7-f2c3-4a76-85f9-1c4daa02672cPost:008ec846-3943-4714-b3cb-25f3d52479fd">Re: NWR:Vent- long sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]Does your FFIL have the money to cover the cost of hiring a professional to make these modifications, but is just being stingy?  Or does he not have the money at all?    If it's a matter of him being able to afford it, then maybe there is charity or resource in your local area that can help?   I'd see if his doctor can put him in touch with a social worker.   If he cannot afford to pay for the modifications and can't find any help, then that makes it a really tough situation.   On one hand, I feel like if you're family, you are obligated to at least TRY to help out.  Yes, it would have been nice if he had asked for it instead of assuming that you would do all of the work yourselves, but FFIL is also probably under a lot of stress right now.  You don't say if he is usually like this, or if this is a new bahavior for him.  If he was normally a nice, sweet, thoughtful guy, I might be willing to overlook this one transgression and help out.    The only other thing I can suggest would be to try to compromise -- maybe tell FFIL you can help out only for a few hours on Sunday afternoons, but otherwise you are booked solid.  Or maybe agree to help with one small project but not the rest.   Or if you don't have the means to help with the home repairs, offer some other kind of help, like bringing meals once a week.  This way you are helping in a way that YOU are able to, not in a way that he has already decided you will....if that makes sense.  
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

They are going to take out a loan to fix up the house which I think is a horrible idea. They are very bad with money and I think adding another 20K to their debt isn't a good idea, but it's not my money so I have no say in it. But for a couple who make over 110k combined, they have absolutely nothing to show for it at all.  He's never demanded anything from us before, but like I said, FI and I are the only ones who ever do anything for them, so I guess he just thinks it's fine to tell us what we're going to do. We talked with him last night and explained to him we only have so much time/energy/etc and that if he wants help it's going to be on our terms. I told him to send us over a list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done and we'll let him know what we are able to help with and the rest he needs to hire a professional to do it.

Vivi+Pete

I know this isn't what your FFIL apparently has in mind, but it sounds to me like they need to move to a one-floor, ground-level, wheelchair-accessible home rather than try to fix up the multi-story home they have. This was clearly no simple disk surgery; at this point, you're describing a two-month hospitalization at best, and he is currently paralyzed, hopefully temporarily.

If the paralysis resolves, your FFIL is facing extensive and long-term physical and occupational therapy. It's likely he will not be able to climb stairs, but even if he could, you say that the plumbing up there doesn't work. The downstairs bathroom doesn't have a shower. Where DO these people shower currently?

We always hope that something as serious as back surgery goes well, but as someone else pointed out earlier, your in-laws aren't getting any younger. Even if the surgery is a complete success, and I'm getting the idea that it hasn't been looking that way, this is only the beginning of mobility problems for your in-laws. That's just fact. We get old, our bodies aren't what they once were, and we can't do the things we've always done -- or perhaps just can't do them the way we've always done them.

Urge them to consider moving. That $20k loan is unlikely to cover all the modifications they need done. And what good will it do to re-plumb the upstairs bathroom and kitchen if FFIL can't get up the stairs to the bathroom?

I think that the hospital or rehab facility will probably have someone on staff who can give your in-laws a realistic picture of what the future holds when FFIL is finally discharged. I don't know what the title would be; perhaps a discharge planner or a social worker who is on staff? If they haven't spoken with someone yet, his surgeon or the nursing staff should be able to have someone come to see him. Your in-laws need a dose of reality, and quickly.

gailpete

Definitely agree with Vivi.  The hospital should have a social worker on staff that can evaluate your FFIL's condition, prognosis and home situation and make recommendations as to what is reasonable and what is not reasonable.  They may also be able to point you in the direction of available financial help for covering the costs of making the existing home handicap accessible.

FI should also tell his parents that you and he are not available to do the work, but could perhaps help them hire a contractor to do it.  If they don't want to hire a contractor, then the deadbeat that leaves with them can do the work.

Set your boundaries now, or it will only get worse, both from his parents expectations, as well as those of his siblings.  Believe me, I know from experience.

shanding4787

Thanks ladies. We're going to the hospital again tonight so we'll be discussing it some more with everyone.