Am I overreacting??!!

lstruggles

MOG wants to wear the same color as the bridesmaids, so I then tell her that it won't look right in pictures etc. if she is wearing the actual wedding color.

I tell her my mom is wearing a shade of pink and asked if she would also like to wear pink but the opposite shade of my mom - she says absolutely, she loves pink and pink it is.  This was yesterday....

Today, she calls me and tells me she has bought a dark purple dress - my WEDDING COLOR....I'm at a loss.

I texted her and said "I want you to look and feel pretty on the wedding day, but the only request I have is that you and my mom don't wear purple." She didn't reply.  What do I have to do to get this through?

she ASKED me specifically "what should I wear? you tell me what color to wear so your mother and I coordinate" I tell her ONE color not to wear.....and she buys it.  SO why did she ask?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:eeb789d3-ede3-4e3f-9cf5-713e6277b046">Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]MOG wants to wear the same color as the bridesmaids, so I then tell her that it won't look right in pictures etc. if she is wearing the actual wedding color. I tell her my mom is wearing a shade of pink and asked if she would also like to wear pink but the opposite shade of my mom - she says absolutely, she loves pink and pink it is.  This was yesterday.... Today, she calls me and tells me she has bought a dark purple dress - my WEDDING COLOR....I'm at a loss. I texted her and said "I want you to look and feel pretty on the wedding day, but the only request I have is that you and my mom don't wear purple." She didn't reply.  What do I have to do to get this through? She seems to try and compete with me a LOT, if we go to her house to visit and I wear leggings, a tunic and a belt, she comes downstairs wearing leggings a tunic and a belt.  the day of my baby shower I showed her the long dress I was wearing, and then my fiances brothers girlfriend told me they went out shopping that morning for her to get a new outfit - a LONG DRESS. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by lstruggles[/QUOTE]
No one is going to care if your MIL is in the same, or similar, color as the BM.  She's not going to be in many pictures with the WP.  You are completely overreacting.  <div>
</div><div>As far as her dressing like you, you need to let it go.  Just think of it as she likes your style and wants to be as stylish as you.</div><div>
</div><div>There are other things that are not going to go your way.  Let it go and move on.</div>

lstruggles

The thing is though, everyone I tell says its awful! You are the first person to say its not a big deal....the issue is that I specifically asked her NOT to wear that color and that is the color she buys - its seems very deliberate and intentional, don't you think? I guess you just have to know her....

monkeysip

As long as it's not the exact same dress as the bridesmaids, I don't get the big deal.

There are a lot of purple dresses out there.  Purple is a popular color.  Maybe your FMIL went dress shopping looking for pink, but found a purple dress that looked really good on her.

You really can't dictate what people wear, other than your bridesmaids.  I think your text to her was rude, and I think you should probably apologize for it.

lstruggles

We talked yesterday, and today she went shopping and bought it.  She is going to CA in June and told me she was going to look then...its a bit strange that she asked me yesterday what color I wanted her in and then today she suddenly bought a dress in the only color I asked her not to buy...I didn't ask her to buy a specific style, length etc...just not dark purple...is that seriously such a big deal when she ASKED me what to wear?

I'm so confused.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:79546f5d-7692-4db6-bb79-f7479fd9a05b">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is though, everyone I tell says its awful! You are the first person to say its not a big deal....the issue is that I specifically asked her NOT to wear that color and that is the color she buys - its seems very deliberate and intentional, don't you think? I guess you just have to know her....
Posted by lstruggles[/QUOTE]

The people you tell this story to in person are going to agree with you - you seem quite forceful on the topic :-)  It's easier to agree than to say you're being a little crazy to your face.

Luckily, we're here to tell you to let it gooooo.  It's your future mother in law.  Don't start out badly over a color choice.  She asked, you told her, and she did her own thing anyway,  What can you do?  Smile, say she looks beautiful, and remember that it's just a dress.  Your marriage and your relationship with her is far more important.

lstruggles

The people I told are my friends I've known my entire life and they would absolutely tell me if I was being crazy.

They also know my fmil and they have witnessed firsthand this weird behavior towards me when it comes to stuff like this.

She probably just shouldn't have asked me and then this wouldn't even be an issue!

Oh well......I guess we willl see what she wears....hopefully it's not white LMAO

arrestclementine

I was asked several times by FMIL and my mom what they should wear.  I told them they can wear whatever they want, in whatever color they want.  Really if anyone wants to show up in a garbage bag THEY are the ones that are going to look silly.  Who really cares...Let it go, you are making a way bigger deal out of this than it should be

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:8ab182d4-2584-4c01-a206-95bb45064876">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]We talked yesterday, and today she went shopping and bought it.  She is going to CA in June and told me she was going to look then...its a bit strange that she asked me yesterday what color I wanted her in and then today she suddenly bought a dress in the only color I asked her not to buy...I didn't ask her to buy a specific style, length etc...just not dark purple...is that seriously such a big deal when she ASKED me what to wear? I'm so confused.
Posted by lstruggles[/QUOTE]

Personally, if my MIL asked a specific color and I told her anything but purple and she went out and bought purple the next day, I would be somewhat irritated by this too.  The reason I would be irritated is b/c it would seem that she intentionally went out and bought the specific color that I told her NOT to buy, so I get why you are irritated.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice on how to handle this situation from this point forward.  I mean, if you say something to her, then you risk causing further issues and looking like a bridezilla, which nobody wants. 

ETA:  PP's are correct though....you may just have to suck it up and let this one go.  Sorry hon!  :(

jagore08

Here's the best piece of advice you will ever receive during your wedding planning.  Ready, here it goes.  

If it doesn't stop you and your FI from saying "I do" then it's not worth the fight.

Five years from now, you're not going to care what color dress your MIL wore (except if it's white).  The thing you're going to care about is that you and your husband are married.  

ETA: Joy's right, your friends are going to play towards your side unless you're being completely crazy.  As strangers we have a totally unbiased view of what you told us so we will give you honest opinions whether you like them or not.  That's the best thing about TK forums.  Honest, unbiased advice. 

amybride2012

OP, yes, it's a pretty big deal that she doesn't respect you enough (or listen to you) to get a different color dress. You only had one request..you were super clear with her...and she did the one thing you asked her not to. YES this is a big deal.

But IMO, I would let it go. In the grand scheme of things it's only a small detail. Sure it may look funny in pics, but I say to just shrug it off. Your wedding day is a celebration of you and your guy making a commitment and starting your life together. I think having a good relationship with MOG is more important than making a big deal out of her dress.

monkeysip

I'm just curious, OP, did your FMIL actually ask you what color she should or shouldn't wear?

I just would never tell FMIL what to wear at all.  I guess if she specifically asked what color, I might tell her something like, "Well, the bridal party is wearing purple, so you may want to choose another color."  But nothing more than that.

Like I said before, you won't notice anything weird in your photos.  They won't look the same.  Just don't worry about it!

lstruggles

Ok, you are ALL right....I will drop it.

I texted her and apologized and she actually said "Why are you sorry!? You are the bride!" my mom just told me that my FMIL called her and they have discussed some color ideas together....I'm actually shocked by this tbh.

I love my FMIL, don't get me wrong, we are already close as I've known her for 4 years and she is the grandmother to my daughter. 

I was only annoyed because she asked me what she should wear BUT turns out, my mom tells me she didn't even buy the purple dress.....she told me she did though.

Whatev, I'm letting it go..............I have bigger things to worry about! )

Thanks for all your advice ladies!!!

lstruggles

yes, she did. She called me and said "what is your mom wearing because we should coordinate." I told her I wasn't sure.  Yesterday I asked her what color she was wearing and she said "whatever color you want me to wear." I said well the only color I'd prefer you DIDN'T wear is dark purple and she said that was perfectly fine.  It's not like I said "purple is the ONLY color you CAN wear." There are zillions of colors besides dark purple.  Hell, there are even zillions of shades of purple.

Oh well....my mom has informed me they talked and they are going with silver/pewter now.....all I have to worry about now is that she will wear white HAHA....I wouldn't put it past her!

eltar08

I can relate in the respect that I spent 6 hrs shopping with FMIL to find her a dress to no avail....there were a couple that looked great at the 4 different stores we checked out but she didn't like any of them, so I told her to find something she really feels beautiful in that she would be comfy in for a June evening wedding, just not white.  She went out and bought an ivory blouse (which actually is really pretty).

At the end of the day, even if she was rocking a white dress, whatever.  I'm not tied to pseudo-traditions about white dresses, which if you think back, I wonder how they were able tp pick out the bride in pictures when your best dress was used as your wedding dress....hmmm...:)

Lisa50

Yes, I think you are over reacting.  Your FMIL asked for your opinion and then chose something else.  She wanted to know your thoughts.  That doesn't mean she needed to take your advice.  Honestly, it is not such a big deal.  You might want to find something else to worry about .  Instead, you could choose to be happy that your FMIL cares enough to want to look nice on your wedding day.  Now that's something nice.

firsttimersluck

I would be annoyed if my mom asked what color I would want her in, and she chose a completely different color... but regardless, she is a grown woman and can dress herself. 

I think you're overreacting a little about the color... It's just a color.. I don't think it'll look weird at all and for what? 3-4 pictures? 

After the wedding you will completely forget that you ever stressed about this. 

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:79546f5d-7692-4db6-bb79-f7479fd9a05b">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is though, everyone I tell says its awful! You are the first person to say its not a big deal....the issue is that I specifically asked her NOT to wear that color and that is the color she buys - its seems very deliberate and intentional, don't you think? I guess you just have to know her....
Posted by lstruggles[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Maybe. But we don't know her.. If this is typical of her, I would chill out even more and just expect that she's going to be a PITA sometimes. </div><div>Why does it look so awful? Do you have a picture of your BM dresses and her dress to show us? </div><div>Maybe it was deliberate, but at least she isn't trying to wear a big, white ballgown :o) </div><div>Some things you can control regarding your wedding, and some things you can't. You can't control people, unfortunately. *deep breath* and pretend you totally forgot about this whole issue. </div>

rlavach

Hey, at least you have some idea of what your FMIL is wearing. Mine is thousands of miles away and doesn't speak English. The kicker is, she is a fan of this weird local seamstress that designs 'one of a kind' pieces..read: ugly. My FI was appalled at the dress she wore to my FBIL's wedding and was trying to convince her to buy her dress here in the States. Naturally, waiting until 2 weeks before the wedding to buy a dress isn't a good idea, so she nixed that. Who knows what she'll show up in!

blgrout

My FMIL picked out a white dress (according to her, it's cream, but whatev.  It's white).  Seriously.  I just explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with her wearing white and explained the faux pas and she understood, and then we went shopping together and I managed to steer her towards a dress that's similar to my mom's (which is a smoke gray color).   I get that your annoyed, OP, but maybe she just fell in love with the dress and forgot completely about your color request.  That's what mine did.  It wasn't an "eff you, I'm gonna wear what you don't want", she just loved the color and how it fit, and completely didn't think about the fact that it was white. 

beingwyrd

No, I don't think you are overreacting. It seems like a purposeful act of distrespect to me since she asked specifically and then got it anyway. The dress isn't the issue at this point though, it is the principle that would bother me. Well, I mean the dress too but short of "spilling" something on it I don't see there is much to be done. 

I'd sure be angry too though. 

-M

andreamarie77

Both FI and I have divorced parents, so we have FOUR mothers to be wearing dresses. And you know what, they're ALL wearing some shade of blue, which is our wedding color.
None of the dresses match the bridesmaids, so I'm not worried about it. I told them to pick a dress that suited them and that they felt comfortable in.

That is the only thing you should be worried about. Don't start your new family relationships off on the wrong foot by being upset that she "may" have done this on purpose. Let it go. Let her wear what she wants and don't worry about it!

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:ae2eb47b-e33e-481d-a56b-029e3b02f8c1">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting??!! : You are awful!! Chill out and stop making people feel like jerks!
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Drugs are bad for you.  </div>

NinaSchwab

You guys, it's only 10:30 in the morning. Of course I'm high.

In all seriousness, I think this forum tends to err on the negative side, and it upsets me. Why can't she dictate what people wear to her wedding? It's her wedding! And who are you guys to tell her what she can and cant do? Furthermore, I think it's really rude to tell her that she was acting out of line and needs to apologize to her MOG. Again, who are you to tell her this? I think a simple "I personally think your MOG wasn't acting innapropriately" would suffice. You don't know this person, you don't know this MOG, and I think to offer advice like that is out of line.

I participate in forums on many different websites- A big one is weightwatchers.com. It's plain to see that this forum in particular is not very supportive. I think it's really sad because I love this website- it's a wonderful tool for planning my wedding, and I'd probably be going nuts right now if I didn't have it. But it's highly unlikely that I'll ever post a question that has any room for misinterpretation.

Anyway, I hope not everyone feels targeted by me- I was really only speaking to Monkey.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:0add967d-0354-483f-ae87-205363f554c3">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys, it's only 10:30 in the morning. Of course I'm high. In all seriousness, I think this forum tends to err on the negative side, and it upsets me. <strong>Why can't she dictate what people wear to her wedding? It's her wedding! </strong>And who are you guys to tell her what she can and cant do? Furthermore, I think it's really rude to tell her that she was acting out of line and needs to apologize to her MOG. Again, who are you to tell her this? I think a simple "I personally think your MOG wasn't acting innapropriately" would suffice. You don't know this person, you don't know this MOG, and I think to offer advice like that is out of line. I participate in forums on many different websites- A big one is weightwatchers.com. It's plain to see that this forum in particular is not very supportive. I think it's really sad because I love this website- it's a wonderful tool for planning my wedding, and I'd probably be going nuts right now if I didn't have it. But it's highly unlikely that I'll ever post a question that has any room for misinterpretation. Anyway, I hope not everyone feels targeted by me- I was really only speaking to Monkey.
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]
Because these people are adults and are <em>not</em> in the wedding party.  And it's not just her wedding.  She does have a FI, which is why she's getting married.  I wish people would stop using the excuse "It's MY wedding day!".  That does not excuse inappropriate behavior on anyone's part.

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:1229cb70-bc75-4cf8-a47c-992cbbf6f433">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting??!! : Because these people are adults and are not  in the wedding party.  And it's not just her wedding.  She does have a FI, which is why she's getting married.  I wish people would stop using the excuse "It's MY wedding day!".  That does not excuse inappropriate behavior on anyone's part.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]
I agree. I absolutely agree. I'm just saying, if she wants to be a bridezilla and dictate what other people do and wear in her wedding, than she should be able to. I just don't think it's <strong>our </strong>place to tell her what she can and can't do.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:8e6629e9-bbb3-4d60-aa89-f8a7359dce6c">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting??!! : I agree. I absolutely agree. I'm just saying, if she wants to be a bridezilla and dictate what other people do and wear in her wedding, than she should be able to. I just don't think it's our place to tell her what she can and can't do.
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]
She asked if she was overreacting.  Most everyone agreed that she was and then gave her ways (some constructively and some more blunt) to deal with it.  She can take the advice or not but it's up to her. <div>
</div><div>When people on here tell others what to do, it's usually to help the bride to not act like a Bridezilla.  Most women I know don't want or condone that behavior so the help on here is to keep people in check before they cross that line.  Sometimes people can get wrapped up in the planning and take for granted the feelings of their loved ones.  Wouldn't you want honest feedback from an outside view?  That's why this site is so great for brides-to-be.  </div>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:3a0927d0-bed4-44c2-9bf8-8e4c2cec55c6Post:8e6629e9-bbb3-4d60-aa89-f8a7359dce6c">Re: Am I overreacting??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting??!! : I agree. I absolutely agree. I'm just saying, if she wants to be a bridezilla and dictate what other people do and wear in her wedding,<strong> than she should be able to</strong>. I just don't think it's our place to tell her what she can and can't do.
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]
Why?  Nobody has the right to treat their friends and family like shiit.