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polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?

so my brother is getting married next summer and i am a groomswoman/groomsmaid/female-attendant-title-to-be-determined.  i am the only female member of the groom's side, and there are no men on the bride's side.

the bride wants me to wear a dress that matches with the groomsmen's suits, which are going to be gray - problem is, i hate the way i look in gray.  really, really hate it; i think it makes me look washed out and sickly, and i feel sort of singled out by this demand.  i'd be so much happier in a shade of navy (the color of the guys' ties and the bridesmaids' dresses), but i don't know how to approach the bride about this.  would i be groomswomanzilla to do so?

thanks in advance

Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would tell your brother how you feel and have him talk to her. If you are standing on HIS side, it is HIS decision what you wear, not hers. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • thanks!  i'll see if he'd be ok with me wearing navy in a different style from the bridesmaids.  i get that the bride wants to differentiate me from the women on her side, but i think there are ways of doing that that won't make me look sick!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:63e56d1e-d2af-4dbf-af1a-684d6e2caed6">polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]so my brother is getting married next summer and i am a groomswoman/groomsmaid/female-attendant-title-to-be-determined.  i am the only female member of the groom's side, and there are no men on the bride's side. the bride wants me to wear a dress that matches with the groomsmen's suits, which are going to be gray - problem is, i hate the way i look in gray.  really, really hate it; i think it makes me look washed out and sickly, and i feel sort of singled out by this demand. <strong> i'd be so much happier in a shade of navy (the color of the guys' ties and the bridesmaids' dresses)</strong>, but i don't know how to approach the bride about this.  would i be groomswomanzilla to do so? thanks in advance
    Posted by conflictedmaid[/QUOTE]

    I think that sounds lovely.  I would just be honest with them and tell them how you feel.  Hopefully they will take your feelings into consideration and let you wear the color you are more comfortable in.  Its not like your asking to wear lime green.
    Oh and Addie is right, your brother should be dictating his attendants attire - not his FI.  Good luck!
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  • Hating the way you look in gray as much as you do is a really big problem. I'm sure that you're right- you know your colouring best and there's a reason why you hate it so much. While I do think that the bride was well within her rights and coming from a good place to ask you to wear gray, I think that you should definitely let her know that you would strongly prefer for her to choose a shade of navy and tell her why. Rest assured that there is nothing wrong with talking to her honestly about this. Go into the conversation by telling her that you would never bring it up if it wasn't so important to you and that you want everything to be just how she wants it on her big day but you figured that you may as well be honest with her and see if she feels flexible on this issue. If you are clear with her that you truly hate how you look in gray and that your preference is to wear navy and she still insists that you wear gray anyway or if she gets upset for any reason- try to listen to her with patience and understanding and be prepared to suck it up and wear gray if she isn't on board with your idea 100%. 
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • i agree that you should talk to her about your concerns that you've never looked good in grey. Is asking her to go dress shopping with you an option? Then you could try on a few different shades of grey and then also navy blue dresses to show her the difference of how the colors look on you. If she says she wants it to be grey, well you'll have to suck it up. But showing her how it looks may be the best way to get her to change her mind.

  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    Just out of curiosity, what if you were a bridesmaid in a wedding and the bride wanted you to wear grey?  Would you still object?   In this case, I don't think being a grooms-woman has anything to do with it.  The bride or groom dictate (within reason) what their attendants wear.  If your brother decides he wants you to wear grey, then I think you should do it graciously. A grey dress, in my opinion, is a reasonable request.

    Having said that, I think it's fine to ask about wearing navy, or perhaps even a different shade of grey (maybe darker charcoal grey?) or even black.   I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to wear the same exact dress as the bridesmaids -- there is no reason you should be different.  But a different dress in the same color is also reasonable:-)
    DSC_9275
  • edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:c73dea8b-a2fc-4a2d-b4e3-47ed7cd3da81">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just out of curiosity, what if you were a bridesmaid in a wedding and the bride wanted you to wear grey?  Would you still object?   In this case, I don't think being a grooms-woman has anything to do with it.  The bride or groom dictate (within reason) what their attendants wear.  If your brother decides he wants you to wear grey, then I think you should do it graciously. A grey dress, in my opinion, is a reasonable request. Having said that, I think it's fine to ask about wearing navy, or perhaps even a different shade of grey (maybe darker charcoal grey?) or even black.   I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to wear the same exact dress as the bridesmaids -- there is no reason you should be different.  But a different dress in the same color is also reasonable:-)
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

    <div>wow, where did you get the idea that i would be happy with a gray dress if i were a bridesmaid?  this has nothing to do with wanting to be a bridesmaid and everything to do with hating the way i look in gray.  thanks for assuming i'm a whiny type who just wants to be a bridesmaid, though...</div>
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:cdc2756c-ea8a-4593-8411-fbcf48004893">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire? : wow, where did you get the idea that i would be happy with a gray dress if i were a bridesmaid?  this has nothing to do with wanting to be a bridesmaid and everything to do with hating the way i look in gray.  thanks for assuming i'm a whiny type who just wants to be a bridesmaid, though...
    Posted by conflictedmaid[/QUOTE]

    <div>That isn't what she meant at all, I don't think. It's just that the bride usually picks the dresses for the bridesmaids and if you WERE a bridesmaid and the dress was grey, would you still speak up?  And if your brother wants you in grey as well, would you argue it?</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:cdc2756c-ea8a-4593-8411-fbcf48004893">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire? : wow, where did you get the idea that i would be happy with a gray dress if i were a bridesmaid?  this has nothing to do with wanting to be a bridesmaid and everything to do with hating the way i look in gray.  thanks for assuming i'm a whiny type who just wants to be a bridesmaid, though...
    Posted by conflictedmaid[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow, you totally misread my post.  I DIDN'T get the idea that you woudln't be happy with grey as a bridesmaid, I just said "I'm curious" -- because, well, I'm curious.  I guess I'm playing devil's advocate a little bit here.</div><div>
    </div><div>In my personal opinion (which may differ from yours, and that's okay), as a bridesmaid I've always happily accepted whatever color the bride told me to wear, even if I didn't like it or thought it made me look dead or whatever.  Because, you know, the bride gets to pick the color that the bridesmaids wear.  Just like the groom, in your case, gets to pick what you wear.  I, personally, wouldn't every say anyting to the bride if I disagreed with her color choice.  So I also wouldn't say anything to the groom if I disagreed with HIS choice for me to wear as a groomswoman (hypothetically -- I've never been a groomswoman).</div><div>
    </div><div>In your scenario, being a groomswoman has nothing to do with it, except that I agree that the groom should be making the choice, not the bride.  But if he agrees with her, then I think you should just smile and wear the grey dress.  I'm sure that's what you were planning on doing anyway, but that's what I, personally, think you should do.</div><div>
    </div><div>Again, I wasn't trying to be mean or snarky.  Just voicing a different side of the argument that hadn't been brought up yet.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA:  I wasn't at all trying to imply that you wanted to be a bridesmaid, it was simply a hypothetical question to illustrate a point.  </div>
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  • edited December 2012
    I definitely read Avion's post as being completely unsnarky. Just sort of putting it out there and asking a question. I definitely think you misread it as suggesting that you want to be a bridesmaid and more about- hypothetically- if you were a bridesmaid in a wedding where gray was chosen- would you say something to the bride in that instance? She explained it well above what she was meaning to ask you. Since it's quite typical for bridesmaids to wear what the bride chooses and try keep their own preferences to themselves out of a kind of courtesy. (Not to say that there is anything wrong with giving the bride honest imput and feedback!)

    And I also think that it's not an issue that this is what the bride wants (as opposed to the groom) since there's no reason to assume that they aren't in agreement on this issue or way of knowing if he originally selected gray or if he wanted the bride to help him out by making these decisions. It's pretty unhelpful to tell other couples that something should be his or her decision. They can work that out for themselves. (To be clear, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm suggesting that anyone on the thread was doing that, I know that nobody was! I just mean in a general sense it doesn't seem to be an important aspect of these types of problems in my opinion.)
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:fbc74c32-c661-4ceb-988c-5fae41ad70dc">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i agree that you should talk to her about your concerns that you've never looked good in grey. Is asking her to go dress shopping with you an option? Then you could try on a few different shades of grey and then also navy blue dresses to show her the difference of how the colors look on you. If she says she wants it to be grey, well you'll have to suck it up. But showing her how it looks may be the best way to get her to change her mind.
    Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]
    I think thjis is a good way to go, as well. You might also approach it as, "wouldn't it be easier on you if I just stood on his side, but wore the same as your bridesmaids..then we wouldn't have to find two dresses"

    PErsonally? I know this might not be the most popular of opinions, but I am traditionalist and think ALL attendants are there for both Bride and groom, regardless of where the heck they are standing therefore find it odd when a woman is on the guys side  to "support him" and vice versa...I would personally feel more comfortable being on the "female" side so as to not stand out alone.


    In the end, it is what the bride and groom want, you should really respect that and not continue to argue. Planning a wedding can be horribly stressful, do you REALLY want to be the source of that stress?
  • I like the idea of a different navy dress. If she and your brother insist on you wearing grey, what about adding something like a scarf or pashmina in a complimentary color to offset the grey? Grey against bare skin can be harsh, whether its shiny taffeta or muted chiffon. If that idea doesn't go over well, maybe wear a great statement necklace or earrings so people see that instead of the dress? So to answer your original Q, yes, I think you could talk to your brother first and see what he thinks and then talk to her.
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  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:3dfadc47-aeb2-4623-a064-4b7064340712">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am traditionalist and think ALL attendants are there for both Bride and groom Then you are incorrect, because the tradition is to select attendants as a way to honor special friends and family members.  The notion that the attendants are to "be there for the couple" is a modern, bridezilla notion. Planning a wedding can be horribly stressful, Then the couple is DOING IT WRONG.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    <div align="left">

    1) First of all, I said in my opinion, so don't tell me I am WRONG..I said it was my opinion

    2) Second of all, I believe if you look at the history of wedding pictures, you will see more WOMEN on women sides and men on MEN's side,....so yes, I think it is safe to say that, THAT would be more traditional.

    I have never heard of men standing on women's side, and vice versa til I came here. I have never personally seen it any wedding I have ever attended, so I stand by my point that IS more traditional.

    I just said it was my personal preference.


    3) umm..how in EARTH is me saying that people standing up in a wedding are there for the bride and groom a "bridezilla" comment?  Isn't that why people have bridesmaids and groomsmen? I made no mention of any type of slave work. I simply said they were ther for the couple....I didn't say anything about even DOING anything except basically supporting them....

    4) Wedding planning CAN be stressful and that certainly does not mean a bride or groom is doing it wrong.  That is just absurd... If you had a complete stress free wedding, I call your bluff because every single person I have ever talked to has discussed the planning is stressful for a variety of reasons. People butt in, people have opinions, plans go awry..etc.........


    </div>
  • Personally, I would just suck it up. Wear the gray dress.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:facc744a-6c81-435d-9a4b-0710a495d067">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) First of all, I said in my opinion, so don't tell me I am WRONG..I said it was my opinion 2) Second of all, I believe if you look at the history of wedding pictures, you will see more WOMEN on women sides and men on MEN's side,....so yes, I think it is safe to say that, THAT would be more traditional. Your opinion IS wrong.  That's understandable, because what most people know about weddings is what they read in bridal magazines and on wedding websites.  If, however, you read up on etiquette and wedding traditions through the ages, you'll find that the tradition of wedding parties is rooted in medieval superstition.  The couple's friends accompanied them to church in order to confuse watching demons about the bride and groom's identities, so their marriage couldn't be cursed.  This evolved into a way to honor special friends and family members over time.  The bride and groom asked friends and relatives to stand next to them as they made this life-changing step.  A "best man" or "maid of honor" was often selected (usually a sibling or close friend) in order to show that this person was especially dear to them. It was never about getting help to plan the wedding, because this was usually done by the bride's parents.  Few brides wore a special dress for their wedding (they usually wore their best dress, right up into the 20th century, since few could afford a gown that would only be worn once), and neither did their wedding parties. I have never heard of men standing on women's side, and vice versa til I came here. I have never personally seen it any wedding I have ever attended, so I stand by my point that IS more traditional. It has nothing to do with "tradition" at all; it's just what people usually did, since men usually had men friends, and women usually had female friend.  It was never a requirement.  It may be what your friends have done but it doesn't make it tradition , or correct.  You are in fact wrong. I just said it was my personal preference. Yes, and that's what it is. 3) umm..how in EARTH is me saying that people standing up in a wedding are there for the bride and groom a "bridezilla" comment?  Isn't that why people have bridesmaids and groomsmen? I made no mention of any type of slave work. I simply said they were ther for the couple....I didn't say anything about even DOING anything except basically supporting them.... See the above.  The tradition is to honor friends, not support the couple.  It's the other way around. Think about it.  Why would a couple need "support"???? "Support" is for tragedies, like a miscarriage. Weddings are a happy time.  Brides and grooms don't need "support" because they are celebrating their love and joy.  4) Wedding planning CAN be stressful and that certainly does not mean a bride or groom is doing it wrong.  That is just absurd... If you had a complete stress free wedding, I call your bluff because every single person I have ever talked to has discussed the planning is stressful for a variety of reasons. People butt in, people have opinions, plans go awry..etc......... Then, as I said, the couple is DOING IT WRONG.  The industry has, unfortunately, convinced people that their weddings MUST!! have this or that thing.  This is The! Most! Important! Day! of! Their ! Life! and they only get this ONE! Perfect! Day! It MUST! be Perfect! This puts so much pressure on some brides that the slightest things reduce them to tears.  They need to sit down, put their feet up, and take a deep breath instead.  A wedding is a celebration.  A PARTY.  Anyone who gets stressed out planning a party IS "doing it wrong."  They need to cross the thing that is stressing them out off their list, because they don't need it. The only things necessary are the couple and the officiant and a license.  Everything else is gravy. A frill.  Drop the Kool-Aid.  Don't drink it.  Don't even sip it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    Clearly, millions of brides each year pick attendants and I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt it's because ot their worry to ward of evil spirits. The fact that you are using that as your argument is just stupid. Friends support each other. Yes, it is to honor your closest friends, but your friends ACCEPT because they want to show their support to the couple and be part of that process.... and no, not one little part of my posts said anything about  slavework, either

    We really are saying the same thing, but you are trying to make my comment a bridezilla one just to be irritating.


    Btw, people who run marathons have SUPPORTERS...sometimes support is NOT a bad thing. and has nothing to do with a tragedy......Sometimes support is meant as an encouragement in a positive way. My friends have been through the thick and thin with us, so YES, I think most brides want them their on their day as another "supporter" of a fun event in their life.


    You are living in a delusional world if you think any bride who has stress is doing stuff wrong. If you even look up sources of stress, it usually has positive things on it.

    You are making brides try to feel like they are horrible if they say they are "stressed". Why?

    Life is full of stresses. IT motivates you sometimes.....Nobody has a stressfree life and YES, I think you are in denial if you say people who have "stress" are doing it wrong.

    It's HOW they handle the stress that becomes a problem, not the fact that it exists..
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:5e426b40-0ca4-4dde-8311-83b74fb23cde">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would just suck it up. Wear the gray dress.
    Posted by JoeAnne2013[/QUOTE]

    +1. Objecting to wear a certain color would make me feel whiney.

    Just wear the gray dress, if it makes you look pale, add blush and eye shadow. It's not a big deal really, if the groomsman are wearing gray. I prefer this look than the navy personally.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Retread, I think you were incredibly rude to loca4pook. I think you were argumentative, quibbling, condescending, and insulting, and derailed the original poster's thread. Stage manager asked you in another thread this week if any recent life changes were negatively affecting you. I wonder the same thing as your tone has changed over the past month.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:fac53e9d-9615-4276-beb8-e772afcbf233">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Retread, I think you were incredibly rude to loca4pook. I think you were argumentative, quibbling, condescending, and insulting, and derailed the original poster's thread. Stage manager asked you in another thread this week if any recent life changes were negatively affecting you. I wonder the same thing as your tone has changed over the past month.
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    Thanks. I was kinda shocked I was getting attacked over my post!!

    I stand behind my belief that MOST brides have stress and that is actually kinda normal and routine...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_polite-way-to-disagree-wbride-on-groomswoman-attire?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:b4f67429-44b5-4340-a185-b57f63c43101Post:fac53e9d-9615-4276-beb8-e772afcbf233">Re: polite way to disagree w/bride on groomswoman attire?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Retread, I think you were incredibly rude to loca4pook. I think you were argumentative, quibbling, condescending, and insulting, and derailed the original poster's thread. Stage manager asked you in another thread this week if any recent life changes were negatively affecting you. I wonder the same thing as your tone has changed over the past month.
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thank you so much for saying this NYCMercedes.  I completely agree with you loca4pook regarding stress.  I'm guessing Retread must have had the perfect wedding with no issues, cause my wedding planning so far hasn't been.  Family drama happens, planning ahead with money can cause stress, oh and just sheer distance from locations can cause stress.  As you said life is stress, and if it's not you are one fortunate person.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Getting back to the original thread, my advice from wearing numerous dresses that I didn't like at all, I didn't have an orange sequined one, but a pink dollie one ha ha.  Anyways, you should ask the bride to go shopping with you to pick a dress both you and her agree on.  I wouldn't recommend getting the groom involved because most men sad to say don't have the best fashion sense so most likely the bride has taken over that just to simplify things.  The groom may not understand where you are coming from at all, I know my FI wouldn't, he's a total t-shirt man.  Also if you are standing on the groom's side you want to match the guys, same way flower girls match the bridesmaids.  </div>
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