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New Hampshire

Help with a bridesmaid!

So one of my bridesmaids is driving me nuts!  She's know since last September that she was in my wedding for this Sept coming up.  We've been friends for 8 years or so, I called her the night I got engaged (needless to say she was a good choice for BM).

Well lately she has been a little different to me and I"m not sure what to do.  I knew when I picked out BM dresses that I would have to take her into consideration and she is a bit bigger than the other girls.  While it's no choice but my own I tried to involve her in looking at dresses online as she lives over an hour away from me.  The only way that she would go dress shopping with me is if I drove 2.5 hours each way to the DB in her area, when there was a DB 1 hour away from both of us that obvi. would be more convienent.  Unfort the dresses at Davids Bridal look totally different online, so the few that we both really liked and agreed could fit everyone looked horrible in person!  Anyway all of my girls live in different states so I decided just to go to DB myself with my mom and pick out a dress in her size and go from there.

As soon as I sent a message to all of my girls with the dress color, style etc. she immediatly got on the phone (before I even got home from DB!) saying "make sure it comes in my size, you really should have taken me dress shopping it probably won't work".  When she got home and saw the dress she immedaltiy blew up and started telling me how the dress doesn't work for her, that she tried it on for her cousin's wedding this past summer and they "couldn't alter the dress" to her body (even though she can wear a smaller size than she thought in that dress!) and it "doesn't work for short people like her".  Mind you the attendant at DB was short and was aware of my different sized BM's.

To make a long story longer she continued to complain telling me that I would probably have to change the dress (even though everyone else loved it) but she would drive to her DB the next day to try it on.  She then posted on facebook many comments about how she will upset her best friend and the bride blah blah making me feel guilty.  Thankfully when she tried on the dress she bought it, although stil continues to complain!

She then went on to ask about where I was having my shower.  My mom lives in NH where I grew up and this girl lives in CT.  I assume and hope that my mom and BM's will throw me a shower and assume it will be in NH.  My BM goes on to tell me if it is indeed in NH, she can't go to the shower!  Am I wrong in assuming that part of the responsiblity of a BM is to throw a shower?  She also is insisting that if I have a Bachelorette party it must be the night before the wedding in the area of the wedding where everything closes down by 10pm.  If we are able to have a real rehersal dinner after the rehersal, we won't have time for a party, plus we have to get beauty sleep too right?  I suggested more than once thinking about labor day weekend so that everyone can plan and have time off, but she just overlooks it.

She is trying to take over all of my planning, trying to get me to purchase flowers from cost co to save money.  While I don't mind the idea of saving money, I'd rather cut down the amount of flowers and go with a trusted shop.  I don't even live near a cost co either so I would have to give her the money and have her bring the flowers up plus put them together that day, one more thing to worry about right? She is sending me ideas of centerpieces everyday and upset if I don't like them.

Finally she wants to bring her father to my wedding.  I have only met her dad twice.  My BM is aware that we are on an extremly tight budget, we've already made a lot of cuts, have heard a lot of complaints of the no children rule and have told every other single guest in a more polite way that we can't afford for them to bring someone else!

Sorry to make such a long vent/rant.  Am I wrong here, should I feel guilty and bad?  I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I hurt other friends by not picking them to be in my wedding and am under enough stress with this and everyday life.  Does anyone else have any issues like this?  IS there anything I can do to make the situation better?

Re: Help with a bridesmaid!

  • FireDancer04FireDancer04 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry about your bm not liking your pic for a dress. Maybe she's just feeling left out because she is so far away from you.

    And the only "duties" a bridesmaid has is to buy the dress and show up on the wedding day. She isn't required to attend or pay for the shower or bachelor party. The shower & bachelorette party is something she should discuss with the other BM's should they choose to throw these for you and leave you out of it. I'd tell her that you aren't sure on what has been planned and direct her questions to the other BM's or your mom.

    I would suggest planning a weekend together sans wedding. Go spend the weekend with her and just catch up with your friends. My guess is she's feeling left out or she's feeling ignored on the friend front. Not everyone is as excited to hear about every detail of your wedding (that why we are here).
  • EDK2010EDK2010 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I think your BM is out of line on a lot of things that you mentioned. Ultimately the dress is your choice. I didn't even take my BMs with me, I picked a dress and they all purchased it. It was too hard to coordinate everything  as we all live in different areas and countries and no one complained to me if they didn't like the dress. I have been in a few weddings where I didn't like the dress that was picked, and yes it is tough being short I am 4'10. However, your BM should have voiced her concerns more gracefully. I would tell her " thank you for your concerns, but this is the dress that I have selected and the one that works best for everyone I hope that once you get it in your size you'll really like it too".

    About the shower, it is really not up to you when/where/if a shower is planned in your honor. If BM wants to throw a shower for you in CT then be thankful, but she must understand that your Mom may want to throw one for you in NH as well. If she does not want to throw a shower, then she is not obligated to attend any other showers being held for you. The same goes for the Bachelorette, if your other BMs want to organize a Bachelorette and the BM can't go she is not onligated to. This is not about her, it is about you and if things don't work with her schedule then so be it. None of my BMs will be at my NH shower!

    As for your planning share with her what you want, but don't feel that you have to disclose everything. If she offers opinions say something like "thank you for your opinion I will definitely consider it, but ultimately FI and I will make the final decision". Everyone always has an opinion about something, but it is your wedding and your decisions.

    As for the invite, if you are inviting plus ones for your BP then you can't really dictate who she brings. If you are only inviting significant others (engaged, longterm, married etc.) then just explain that to her.

    Those are just my opinions I hope it helps!

    TTC #1 Since July 2011
    BFP #1 2/28/12- 3/3/12 CP at 4w3d
    BFP #2 4/1/12- 5/7/12 Missed M/C at 8w4d (measuring 6w3d)
    TTC on hold until December
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  • Steffy3217Steffy3217 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sounds like your BM has wedding envy...

    She is definitely out of line in a lot of ways.. The dress is ultimately your decision and if she can't understand that you took her into account when deciding on it, than it's her issue, not yours. She will have to get over it.

    It's definitely not a duty of a BM to throw a party, although it is a sometimes followed tradition. I would say if your other BM's want to do things for you, than great, and your trouble BM will just join or not.

    Ultimately don't let her get you down. This is your wedding. If it really comes down to it, and she's going to be that much of an issue, offer to pay for her dress (you keep it and try to resell it) and say thanks but no thanks to having her as a BM anymore.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-hampshire_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:101Discussion:e33b9e5a-cbae-4d97-9f20-743e02025bd1Post:6bf21188-d714-45a1-a8d4-2b294384e30c">Re: Help with a bridesmaid!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like your BM has wedding envy... She is definitely out of line in a lot of ways.. T<strong>he dress is ultimately your decision and if she can't understand that <em>y</em><em>ou took her into account </em>when deciding on it, than it's her issue, not yours</strong>. She will have to get over it. <strong>It's definitely not a duty of a BM to throw a party</strong>, although it is a sometimes followed tradition. I would say <strong>if your other BM's want to do things for you, than great, and </strong><strong>your trouble BM will just join or not</strong>. <strong>Ultimately don't let her get you down.</strong>
    Posted by Steffy3217[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I agree with this. Steffy, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Good advice.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies!  I agree I've been in weddings where the dress was hideous, didn't fit me, color looked awful, but I didn't complain.  I at least took into account a color that would look good on my girl's skin tone and thought of hey can they wear this again?

    I'm going as far as giving them the option of wearing old navy flip flops that I will purchase (what are they $3?) and having them all do each other's hair to save a lot of money that you normally waste on being in a friend's wedding.

    I'm ok with the shower thing I just don't like to feel guilty and would hope that my girls might want to do something knowing how much we are spending out of our pockets.  If you don't throw one fine, we're not registering anyway.

    I'm taking a few days off totally from the wedding now to just relax I will ask my BM to lunch in a couple of weeks when we both have time to deal with real life hopefully a girls day will mend the issues.

    Thanks for the great advice!
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