My Beef with Attachment Parenting

lanie26

Colonialist. I meant Colonialist. I find Dr. SEars to be a bit of a boob.

wingedbride

Call it whatever you want, the women on that board frighten me. I don't understand why they feel in a competition with their husband or why having a vagina makes them a superior parent. I wonder what they would think of groomz raising a baby in a home without a female parent?

KristenBtobe

Sounds like Jo and Maggie are not high needs children. She loves the stroller. She is so content to see the world in that thing. And we left her in her carseat all the time when eating out or shopping. Who knew I was being judged for that. Some of those ladies would probably drive with their kids on their laps if it were allowed.

FallinAgain

I saw a woman with a baby on her lap trying to eat on Saturday and couldn't figure out with she didn't have a carrier or stroller for it. I bet she was an APer.

CaptainSerious

CS, actually some of the theories around AP are very colonialistic and insulting IMO. They compare working mothers or "detached mothers" to those who died and left their children in orphanages. Some of the more insulting studies I've read have really done a disservice to adopted children's potential and to women in general.This makes sense.  I got the feeling just from the parenting techniques.  It not only seems insulting to adoptive families and women in general, but to the children themselves.  It just screams, "My child is a reflection of me, and nobody and nothing else!"  How petty and immature.  If you want a mini-me, get a doll!I wonder how many of these children revolt once they realize they are not, in fact, just another extention of their mothers.

jens_a_ten

AP freaks me the eff out.I'd totally wear my kid when I have one-- mostly because when I see kids bouncing around in those little backbacks, or with their head peeking out of a sling, I find it hilarious and adorable. I cannot handle Jo in that picture. The wispy bangs, doe eyes, arm chub combo is lethal.

Vinny08

What does that say about Andy?  We kept him in his carrier in restaurants (and now in a high chair).  We use a stroller on a daily basis.  And, here is the kicker, he stays at home with his dad everyday. :0 I guess we should just drop him off at the orphanage now.

jens_a_ten

I wonder what they would think of groomz raising a baby in a home without a female parent?I wonder this too. I'd like to find out what they'd have to say about same sex male couples or single dads, etc.

CaptainSerious

They compare working mothers or "detached mothers" to those who died and left their children in orphanages.AURGH!  The more I think about this, the more angry I get!

BrideBuddies

My hypochondriac, overprotective best friend with the five month old has been quoting alot of Dr. Sears lately so I think she follows AP rules to some extent.  But I also think she's starting to realize that co-sleeping and constantly carrying the child with her everywhere isn't going to be good for anyone in the long run.   She has yet to go anywhere without the kid, even with dad at home.Another concern I have about AP types is that you're doing nothing constructive to prepare the kid for adulthood.Hubby and I are old school, traditional types.  We both had fairly "hands off" parents, so we both were pretty independent kids by our pre-teen years. Heck, we both had little summer jobs by age 10 or 11 and were held responsible to get there on time, do the work, etc.  And by age 14, we both had serious labor-type jobs (I did farm field work and he worked in a restaurant and did landscaping, etc).  Dirty, nasty jobs.   I see so many kids in that age group now that can't think for themselves, make even the simplest of decisions and have never had any real responsibilty for anything, even themselves.  My 13-year old niece is just now starting to supervise her younger brother for a few hours at a time.   And my 14-year old "weed boy" can't seem to do the simple task of pulling weeds without close supervision and direction.  He just seems lost as to what to do.

Irishgrl417

I agree that baby wearing is good in some situations like at the mall in the few days before Christmas when I'm last minute shopping and wishing strollers were banned for a few days or 2 weeks ago when we were at a crowded Food & Wine Festival. Lines on both sides of the aisle and a mess of people trying to get through the middle. I stepped back from the line for a second to get out of someone's way and heard a slightly annoyed "Excuse me, Miss." Turned around and it's a guy trying to push a double-wide stroller through the crowd. I got out of his way but I didn't feel bad for him. He was nuts for taking the stroller in that tight space. I wanted to point out the open space where one of them could wait and take turns getting their free samples. I agree with Fallin it depends on their reasoning for keeping the kid close. I don't understand women taking a baby out of their seat out at a restaurant and trying to eat with 1 hand especially when the kid wasn't even fussing.

ootmother2

I found that board looking for some info for M earlier and I was pretty shocked.AP is nothing really other than a new myth.  All mothers have the instinct to keep their newborns close.But after newborn?  How do they learn to survive in the world thining that only ONE person can keep them safe?My sister used a series of au pairs when she went back to work.  These girls stayed 6 months and then off, in with the new.  I questioned her about her two children becomming  attached to their primary caretaker only to have them leave them every time.   Her reply was that she didn't want her children loving anyone as much as they loved her.  Idiot!M had the same nanny from the day she got out of the hospital until the day she left for college and adores her still!  That took absolutely nothing away from her love for me and she learned that there were others that would be there for her if I couldn't be.  I sure can't see how that hurt.She was adventerous early, competed at everying, sports, student government. camp, etc. and always knew she had a support system beyond me.She has a 12 month old now and uses a combination of nanny, both mothers, and day care 2 days a week so he can be with other kids.  Seems to work.  Hope APers don't come down here to flame

noisy_penguin

Will likes us to play with him with his toys, sometimes, but mostly he gets annoyed with me because I don't think that throwing all his cars and barnyard animals down the elevator shaft of his parking garage is the funnest game ever. Mom is fun for reading books and throwing him in the air and taking walks and stuff, but he'd much rather stuff the barnyard animals down the elevator shaft in peace, thank you very much. And it's nice, because sometimes you want to cook dinner and poop and stuff without someone coming to play with the burners and stick his hand in the toilet because he can't bear to be away from you for a few seconds.Also, he hated being worn. I think we have two pictures of him in the mei tai thing we got because he used it exactly once before throwing huge, shrieking temper tantrums if he even saw us pick it up.Also, he spent most of our week in London in the stroller. We are the most detached parents ever.

BobLoblaw

I kinda want Jo's haircut. Is that weird?

wendyld

I can't get over how pretty Jo is these day. I love her. AP is nutso and 24/7 with my baby would eventually make me consider child abuse. I love him more than anything, but mommy needs to be more than just a childcare provider. also, I think BB is nuts for expecting 13 year olds to have jobs. FYI, it's illegal to leave your kids with a ten year old babysitter, so the people who waited until their oldest was 13 were just obeying the law. And one more, Irish, I'm pretty sure no one thought pushing a double stroller through Christmas shoppers sucked more than the guy doing it. You take the stroller and kid shopping because you have to, not because it makes shopping more fun.

SarahBethBR

also, I think BB is nuts for expecting 13 year olds to have jobs. Seriously.  My husband was 15 when he got his first job and I thought that was really young.I plan to practice AP just to giggle at my husband feeding our baby with a boob shaped bottle topless.  But yeah, overall I think the concept is pretty out there.And yes, Jo is gorgeous.  Lanie, you should be like that Wan person on the nest and pester them until they put her in the magazine or something.

BobLoblaw

And by age 14, we both had serious labor-type jobs (I did farm field work and he worked in a restaurant and did landscaping, etc). Dirty, nasty jobs.Pretty sure that's illegal. Depending on the state, of course. I had a bagel shop job at 15 and all I could do was dishes. I couldn't even use a knife to cut a bagel. I wouldn't want my 13 year old using fukcing farm equipment. And this is me talking here. I hate kids.

MadameS

ex SIL did the "wearing the baby" thing. She did EVERYTHING with a sling. Load the dishwasher, pick veggies, pay bills, cleaned the house. Emme wound up being so connected to her mom, that she wanted NOTHING to do with her dad until she was abt 18 months. And even then, it was pretty dicey until she was about 3.

pdxmouse

AP is nutso and 24/7 with my baby would eventually make me consider child abuse. I love him more than anything, but mommy needs to be more than just a childcare provider.Yes, yes, yes. I'm so glad Mr M is taking a few weeks off after the birth because as much as I want Voldy to bond with me, I don't want to be the default parent. I think one of the more insidious things about the so-called mommy instincts* is that most of the parenting advice is directed at mom, so mom picks up on it more frequently and then tells dad how to do it the right way. If done often enough it changes the dynamic of equal partners and in the worst cases mom becomes a control freak making sure he does it "right" or not trusting him to take the kid at all. Somehow that trial and error are okay and something mom does too gets lost. Uh-uh, not going to do it, tyvm. None of that "but you're better at it" bs either. Baby's being handed over as much as possible. The second most disturbing thing about AP to me is that I have yet to find advice for transitioning out of it. Bug was a very content baby as long as she was being held and a screaming terror when she wasn't. She eventually grew out of it on her own, but it was effing exhausting. And nothing I read talked about teaching her to self-soothe, everything was how great it was for baby to want you, only you, all the time. So the "right" kind of parenting was frustration, anxiety, and weariness until the kid developed interests on their own. Brilliant. Thank god she turned out okay anyway. (That said, this time I did get a wrap because I found the stroller to be a big, bulky pia and I want something so my arms don't fall off if he has colic.)*fwiw- I think some instincts do exist in adults in general, but most are a matter of confidence and experience that anyone can develop. BFing and the act of pushing the baby out the vag are the exceptions.

wendyld

And my H can care for Connor just as well as I can. The house is a wreck afterwards, but he still has ten fingers and ten toes. I leave the two o them alone for days, even weeks, at a time. I must hate my child.

BrideBuddies

I guess I need to clarify a bit... I'm not a crazy person, really!   But I will say, both hubby and I grew up in very small farming communities during the late 70s and early 80s when child labor laws were pretty much ignored or non-existant.   I'm sure it's much more regulated these days.At 11 or 12... the "jobs" we both had were more like "chores"... running little errands or mowing lawns for parents or elderly neighbors for a couple of bucks.  General household stuff. That kind of thing.  Not resume material by a long shot, but a little something to give us a little taste of responsibility. But by age 14 in the state of Iowa, at that time, you could legally work farm-type jobs.  Heck, you could get a drivers permit at 14.   Nearly every one of my friends helped with bailing hay.  Starting around 12-13 or so, I worked on my grandparents' farm every summer weeding soybean fields and detasseling corn, which was very hard, dirty and physically challenging.   By 16, when you had your license, it was common practice for most farm kids to be regular drivers of tractors, etc.SO... I'm not saying that I plan to put my pre-teen to work picking tomatoes or handling a chainsaw.  But I do intend for the kid to learn some independence and responsibility and accountability at a fairly early age.   How that transpires, I have no idea yet.

modb1rd

bridebuddies we grew up same time same area. walking beans and detassling corn is different than what most people perceive as having a job as a teen. Also common you were paid cash child labor laws were not an issue. I babysat at 11 too, but my mom was always a phonecall and a mile away. I got my license at 16 and was working 28 - 30 hours a week even during the school year as a telemarket from 15 on, but the way we grew up is not the way it is any longer in the vast majority of this country.

BrideBuddies

 But I do intend for the kid to learn some independence and responsibility and accountability at a fairly early age. And by that, I mean requiring the kid have household chores.. taking out the garbage, walking the dog, being responsbile for cleaning his/her room.   That kind of thing.  Not working at the corner gas station.  But having assigned tasks that he/she is responsible for.So many teenagers I know haven't really "worked" in any kind of capacity in their lives.  When they go to college or leave home, they are not really prepared for life on their own because Mom and Dad did everything for them. 

BrideBuddies

Thanks Mod... growing up in the Midwest "back in the day" is a whole lot different than most people can imagine.  But for all the hard work, I certainly appreciate the work ethic I learned from it all.   I guess that's why H and I have such a different perspective on raising kids than most people.At least I didn't have to try to explain detasseling to you!    It has nothing to do with strippers!

modb1rd

now that, chores and responsibilites, I agree with you about 1000%. And should I ever try one of these aging eggs out, yeah around 17 I would want my kid to have some sort of job.

modb1rd

oh and BB noone could have paid me enough to walk beans. detassle, or bale hay. It was truly what inspired me to telemarket. I would much rather commute the hour to the city and get hung up on then go out in the fields.

pdxmouse

I think teens having summer jobs are a really good idea. However a lot of places around here won't hire if you're not 18 because they don't want to deal with restrictions. I'm not sure what I'll do when Bug is that age, maybe try to line up internships? Isn't farm work usually pretty dangerous? I seem to remember it having a high accident/dismemberment/fatality rate. Skerry to think of young teens doing that stuff. I feel like I should say something in defense of co-sleeping because my experience was pretty positive. Bug slept with me until she was about 2, then only when she woke up, and after about 6 months if she woke up she'd come in, get a hug and go back to bed. She's been a sound sleeper since then and never had a hard time getting settled down or asleep. I'm not sure I'd do it again, it was kind of accidental in the first place, but I figure if it happens I'd be okay with it. I realize this is not a universal experience.

modb1rd

i would say 75% of my jr high and highschool classmates did that work and none of them were severely injured or killed. Dehydration and sunburns were the worse of it.

BrideBuddies

Mouse... farm work itself is inherently dangerous. But the stuff Mod and I are talking about it just very physical and extremely sweaty/dirty stuff.   Mostly walking for hours on end, digging out weeds with hoes or shovels and sometimes nasty looking blades if you were old enough to handle them.Lots of bad sunburns, blisters and scrapes and cuts, but nothing too life threatening there.  However, by 18 or so, I was allowed to drive some of the farm equipment (Mod-detasseling machines).  That was kind of intimidating at first, but you got used to it fairly quickly and it was actually a lot of fun.Even today, with much tougher work laws, I know tons of high school kids who still do this kind of work every summer.    

pdxmouse

At first I read this as "75% of my classmates that did this were not injured or killed" which would not be such a glowing recommendation. I was surprised when I read about the statistics in the paper after some kid tore his arm off in a thresher and carried it to the farmhouse and called 911 on his own. It's not incredibly common, but general workplace casualties are thankfully pretty rare to begin with.