My Beef with Attachment Parenting

CaptainSerious

Is that it ignores the natural resiliency in kids.  It assumes that a person is merely the accumulation of his/her environment and can't overcome any obstacles along the way

CaliopeSpidrman

A friend of mine briefly considered AP before she got pregnant.  The way she explained it was thus:You are there for the child 24/7.  This gives the child a level of comfort knowing that there's always someone there if they need them, allowing them to be bolder when it comes to exploring on their own.  Because they have that solid base to rely on, they won't be so timid.The theory is entirely flawed, IMO, but I can see why someone would be drawn to it. 

CaptainSerious

Being timid is not a bad thing.  It's nature's way of warning us of danger.And kids tend not to have natural fear of anything anyway.  It's mostly instilled by worried parents.  That's why children pick up swimming and other sports so quickly and why they reach for things they've been warned are "hot" or will cause "boo-boos."

FallinAgain

I find the theory that knowing someone is there for them requires physical presence 24/7.  I understand that maybe that is true with infants but at a certain stage, I would think teaching them that you're safe and ok even if mommy isn't in direct sight would be a good thing.  I think this starts younger than a lot of the AP people seem to think.

wingedbride

I don't like the name Attachment Parenting. Attachment just has a negative connotation. But further than the name, I think that it is unhealthy to set kids up to think they are only ok as long as their parent is right there with them. I think it does not provide any independence or promote independence in the future.

MadameS

I think AP creates monsters.  

katie.i.do

in kids I've known who were attachment parented, it seems to foster codependency and bizarre behavioral outbursts more than anything else. as if we don't have enough neurotic people in our society already!

dothenoodle

My daughter would have freaked out if I had tried AP (which I had NO intentions of doing). From the time she burst forth into the world, she times when she wanted to be left the hell alone. Of course, watching my DH's SIL turn both of her girls into freakish scaredy cats that cry whenever some one looks at them in the name of AP helped too.

CaliopeSpidrman

I totally agree that it creates more dependence rather than independence.  I'm sure there are kids who have thrived in that scenario, but all the ones I've seen are clingy as hell. 

lanie26

It's an interesting theory, but more interesting to me is why so many women suddenly flock to it as gospel. I also read about 10 pages of Dr. Sears (their guru) before being so insulted and horrified I had to toss it. The need for a title as a mom is off to me. There's someone over there now wondering how we all got through to our husbands about not sleeping with the baby on their chests. As we all know women have the instincts and men just are dangerous!!!! how do we make it CLEAR???   I work so its important that Josephine learns that I'll always be there for her, but that doesn't mean mom needs to wear her to kindergarten or breastfeed her until 4. I'm hoping my packing her lunch and kissing her goodbye and hello will give her the message of "hey I like you, stick around."

FallinAgain

Winged, I think the fact that you think the word "attachment" is negative is because you think AP is a bad idea.  I'd bet the APers think "attachment" is the mostest best most positive word ever. I just read a post over there with a woman who had to explain to her H that he couldn't sleep with the baby on his chest b/c it's not safe.  Men, biologically you see, are sounder sleepers, so clinically you see, beside mommy is the only safe co-sleeping place.   I have no idea why I suspect that APer often squeeze dad out of the picture. 

FallinAgain

Ha! Lanie.  You were funny.  You're also very lucky J didn't kill your baby being a man having no parenting instincts at all. Can you explain this "wearing the baby" thing to me?

lanie26

Shortly after this photo was taken Fallin, I beat him on the head and screamed "ONLY I HAVE THE INSTINCTS! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He learned. [img] <a href="http://tinyurl.com/qotvgv" rel='nofollow'>http://tinyurl.com/qotvgv</a> [/img]

Vinny08

I just have to wonder, why did these women get married?  Their baby takes over their bed, men are incapable of caring for the kids.  Why didn't they just take a run down to the sperm clinic and pick out a sample?

wingedbride

Well, now, jo is just scarred for life.

wingedbride

i agree 100% with you there vinny.

FallinAgain

I will say that a friend of ours once BFed her 4 month old handed him to her H to put back in his crib.  Dad fell back to sleep (or probably never woke up entirely), baby slid over the chest down the arm and onto the floor.  Mom and Dad woke up to the thump.  He was fine though, and hey, at least dad didn't roll over on him.

Irishgrl417

Oh my, Josephine is getting so big!

FallinAgain

Also, look at the head of hair of her even when she was itty bitty.

CaptainSerious

I see a whole lot of the same issues mentioned here, but I think I'm coming at this from a different point of view.  If a child who spent most of their infancy and early life in an orphanage can be adopted into a loving family and thrive, doesn't that just shoot the whole premise of AP out of the water? A person who has never attached to any person in their life can learn to develop a healthy attachment later in life. Also, I think that many of these AP techniques result in smothering the children and stifling their creativity.  It's counterintuitive to believe that that will foster independence and a strong sense of self.

Novemberrocks

I've never heard of AP before seeing it here and on the bump.  It's horrifying.  I have my own theory on parenting and so far I've seen it work...it's called 'Chill the Eff Out'.  Okay, maybe that's obnoxious, but in my (not so) vast experience with parents and babies, I've found that the most well adjusted and happy kids tend to have parents who are laid back, relaxed, and who don't freak out of every minor thing.  I'm not advocating being a disengaged parent, but I find that so many people I know are so neurotic about every little aspect of parenting, that they make their children nutty too.  Of course, I haven't done a formal study so there is no statistical significance to my claims. 

Novemberrocks

I've never heard of AP before seeing it here and on the bump.  It's horrifying.  I have my own theory on parenting and so far I've seen it work...it's called 'Chill the Eff Out'.  Okay, maybe that's obnoxious, but in my (not so) vast experience with parents and babies, I've found that the most well adjusted and happy kids tend to have parents who are laid back, relaxed, and who don't freak out of every minor thing.  I'm not advocating being a disengaged parent, but I find that so many people I know are so neurotic about every little aspect of parenting, that they make their children nutty too. Of course, I haven't done a formal study so there is no statistical significance to my claims. 

FallinAgain

Ah, so you can LITERALLY be attached to your kid 24/7 and still have free hands. I can see the value in that if you are crazy.  But, I must ask, doesn't your child deserve your undivided attention 24/7?  This wearing it seems to leave to free to do other things and that can't be right.

Novemberrocks

Dude, knot...why you gotta be so foffed up?

Irishgrl417

I saw a woman at the store yesterday wearing a baby who was quite a bit older than most babies I've seen in slings I was wondering if it was a convenience thing because she also had a 5 year old or if it was some type of "that's not your baby" issue.

CaliopeSpidrman

Eep!  I cannot believe Jo was ever that tiny. 

CaptainSerious

But I don't for 2 seconds buy into the theory that it makes mother/child more connected.In normal situations, I'd agree with you, Lanie.  But I think sometimes it can help with bonding, as in adoption or other situations where you are trying to make up for lost opportunities early in life.That being said, I will not be wearing my child 24/7.  It will only be used:1.  if my child is already used to/comfortable with the idea (In Peru, mothers often wear their children for their first 2 years while they go about their daily work, but this is clearly not done in orphanages.); and2.  while my child is small and seeking comfort; or3.  while engaging in outdoor activities, such as on hikes, while skiing, etc.--and only before they can do these things on their own.

lanie26

Jo would not be happy in a sling. She walks everywhere now. Holds my hand. knows its my hand or in the stroller. Oh fallin, enjoy the AP board. There are so many gems. One woman talked about someone who took their baby out to dinner and just left them in their carseat to look around. The horror. Jo was fascinated by lights and sounds and would just take everything in. If she was happy, I was free to enjoy the conversation and food. I dunno, my experience is only with having a very hands off kid. She literally tells me to go away if I get up in her toy playing business. She loves when I blow bubbles and tickle her and help her swing really high at the park. But when she's trying to prepare a plastic meal in her kitchen or pick a bug out of the grass, back off mom. She actually waggles her finger and tells me "No no no! Chair!" and points to a chair she wants me to sit in that is away from her. Maybe I've just done everything wrong but I'm thrilled I have a baby who is happy without me.CS, actually some of the theories around AP are very colonialistic and insulting IMO. They compare working mothers or "detached mothers" to those who died and left their children in orphanages. Some of the more insulting studies I've read have really done a disservice to adopted children's potential and to women in general.

FallinAgain

I think every parent "wears" their kid sometimes.  I think the question is whether you do it because you don't want to put the child down and step away from it while you do stuff.

KristenBtobe

I dabbled in babywearing for convenience reasons, particularly when she was a newborn. Maggie didn't seem to take to it like some other kids do, but it was good when she was really fussy and wouldn't nap any other way. In large part she was content in her bouncy seat or swing.  Frankly I worried about her falling out of the Moby and she was so small that she'd disappear in the sling.I have a mei tei carrier (like a soft backpack) that I can use when we go to something where a stroller isn't a good option. I'll probably wear the new baby more simply out of necessity of dealing with a toddler.

lanie26

Definitely Kristen. That's a good idea. And its not that I don't think slings are without merit. They have their place and I'm certain they are effective. However, assuming mothers are detached because they use strollers is just absurd.