Snarky Brides

Yet another AP WTF

Yes, it's what parenting is supposed to be anyway, but a lot of people don't practice that.  I cannot tell you how many of my friends love their little jumpers and their swings and pack n plays and their babies spend half of their days in there.  Then on another board I post on a mother advised a new Mama to "let the baby cry in the crib at night from the beginning.  They start STTN faster if you do it that way.  If you pick them up whenever they start crying you'll never get any time for yourself and the baby will never STTN".   AP parenting believes (in general) that crying means the baby has needs and as the parent you should attend to their need.  So while some forms of parenting believe that doing that will spoil the child, we believe that doing that help the child develop and bond better (among other things).This girl isn't even pregnant yet with her first.  I know one can anticipate how they plan to raise a child, but having a parenting plan before you are pregnant makes me laugh a little.  But of course, that is just my way of saying "you'll understand when you are a mother" I guess.As a side note, I believe there have been a few run-ins here with the poster that stated this (jebuell).

Re: Yet another AP WTF

  • I read one of their recommended articles the other day. Starts out with a scenario- WAHM Mom + 2 kids. Baby wakes up, Mom nurses him, then puts him the bouncy seat and he plays happily while she makes breakfast. Toddler comes down, helps set the table, Mom puts Baby in the highchair and he watches them eat together. Then it's off to the grocery store- tandem stroller down the aisles. Baby falls asleep in the carseat on the way home, Mom transfers to crib. Mom puts Toddler down for the nap. While the kids are napping she gets some work done on the computer. Finally baby plays in the swing while mom makes dinner and Toddler plays with her toys. Everyone is happy, Mom got stuff done, no temper tantrums, no meltdowns, no snapping. So everything is good right? Nope. According to the author this is bad, bad parenting because it sends the message to your kids that they belong away from you and shouldn't need you for comfort. Personally, I have a few AP tendencies because I think some things keep babies more content and are frankly a bit easier. But, seriously? If the kid is happy with something else wtf would that not be good enough? It seemed almost vicious to build a scenario where everyone was content and start naming off the failures. The message I got was "anything you do will be less than perfect, and that is not okay."

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • I read something on a different website-a lady was breastfeeding her 4 year old, and her 8 year old (who was also breastfed until 4) suddenly wants to breastfeed again. and people were telling her to do it.not exactly related, but still a WTF.
  • Maybe because I'm in the process of thinking about actually having a kid, but I take issue with the idea that you should not have a plan or philosophy before the kid pops out.  I have no doubt that you may change the way you do things to adapt to what works best for the family, but I think it's a little crazy not to have discussed and decided on a philosophy with your partner before the baby arrives. I mean if you are a CIOer and your spouse is a co-sleeper, the time to work that out isn't while struggling with a screaminng infant at 2 am.
  • I agree with fallin in theory, but the smug self righteousness with which people proclaim what The Right Way to parent is without any experience kills me.
  • Isn't that true of people after having a kid too though?  Would the C&P be less smug if from a mother?  Having a child makes it ok to pronounce that AP is "what parenting is supposed to be"?  
  • Slightly, because one could assume they had tried (and failed at) some other methods and suceeded with this one to some extent to arrive at this conclusion.
  • All that means is that perhaps it's what parenting is supposed to be for them.  I doubt though that the people heavily into one philosophy have explored other methods.
  • I think the smug self righteousness just embodies those who practice AP. I have 0 issue with some of their practices. To me, its all the attitude that I mock. emmeb or whatever is just bizarre. This won't change with the addition of a baby.I will also say however, that ones' Philosophy when it comes to parenting will likely change when the baby gets there, mostly because it goes from theory to practice in a hurry and much is lost. It just does. I mean sure sometimes you'll be exactly the same but when you get a kid that isn't what you expect, you... change your philosophy. You may be 100% into cosleeping until your toddler kicks your head for the 3000th time and you lose it. So while I applaud (and oh did I ever) research before the birth and discussion about parenting philosophies, the most important time for discussion is AFTER the baby is out of there and pooping on your blouse for the 300th time per day. The "is this working? why did we do this? Is there anyone you know who may want a baby because I've changed my mind? discussions are most critical then.  I was 100% against crying it out until Jo couldn't sleep by herself at all. Or put herself to sleep at all. Ever. And couldn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time and was miserable. Then I was like "OK how are we going to get you to sleep?" Tried everything else. And yeah, suddenly I was like "ok my kid needs something else."
  • I'm totally agreeing with Wendy and Lanie.Of course you need to discuss your parenting plan and know that you and your partner are on the same page.  But, I will say that I have changed A LOT of how I thought I would raise a kid.I've actually become a much more "attached**" parent than I thought I would be.  I am by no way, shape, or form close to practicing AP, but I am far a more hyper-reactive, hovering mother than I ever thought possible.I just think it is impossible to prescribe to a very specific parenting plan, as I think it is impossible to set a specific birth plan before it all happens.  You do what you need to do for your family, and you won't know what that is until you are there.**Andy is a frequent, daily visitor of his stroller, jumper, and was big into his bouncy seat, and the Bumbo.  So I am very pro-"containers".
  • I'm sure I'll understand when I'm a parent.
  • You will not understand when you are a parent Fallin. That gets an eye roll from me. Things change. You will however realize that going to the bathroom with the baby in your lap is not about comforting the baby, but about keeping your sanity after you've rocked a colicky baby to sleep for 3.5 hours. I'm a very selfish mother. It was always all about me. I did not carry the baby around all day long because it "felt right" or for "bonding." I did it because it kept her quiet and a quiet baby let me at least focus my bloodshot eyes on something other than the flashing lights that would appear at the sound of her shrieks.
  • I agree with Lanie and Vinny.The plan right now is that kids are probably 4 years off still for us, and I'm already discussing and researching and thinking about it. Heith and I will have plans and ideas about the philosophies that we want to go by. But anyone who goes into parenting without accepting the fact that some flexibility and adapting to the individual kid will be needed, are likely to be in for some rude awakenings. I think it's perfectly acceptable to plan what your ideal plans will be, but there should be discussions taking place along the lines of "If that doesn't work, what is our next alternative solution? What solutions are we completely unwilling to consider?" etc. Regarding the OP: Attachment parenting in it's extreme seems to encourage a mother sacrificing herself (her sleep, her alone time, her health, etc) to whatever degree it takes to make sure that baby is perfectly comforted all the time. I just don't see how a harried, exhausted, frantic mother is a good situation. I can't see it being good for the baby, and it's obviously not good for the woman. From what I've seen, mothers are naturally guilt ridden and overbearing enough about meeting their children's needs-- they don't need anyone pushing them to love their kids more. Pisses me off. Lanie, I don't find the actions you described selfish. Men and kidless women expect to have a moment to themselves to get some work done (or God forbid, relax), and expect to be able to sleep through the night on occasion and maintain a crumb of a social life. I hate that when a mom wants to do it, suddenly she's withholding precious time from her child, or putting their needs second. I bet in the long run Jo won't mind that she was left to sleep in her own room, or cry in her crib, or be more than 2 feet away from you when you were trying to vaccuum and do dishes-- because you being a sane, clearly thinking, half rested person makes you a much healthier parental example than some of these insane martyr mothers. In my estimation, good parenting is finding the right balance between giving time to your kid, and taking care of yourself enough so that you can be a sane, present part of your kid's formative years.
  • Our parenting philosophy, at least with babies, is do what works for that child. Maggie hated sleeping with us, so why force it. She loved her container swing. Who knows what this next child will be like. Just gotta roll with it. 
    image Ready to rumble.
  • Wow - I feel like such a slacker.  I have a baby arriving in 3 1/2 months, and have no parenting plan whatsoever.  All I know is that:a) I'm going to try to BF and if it works, great, if not, I'll try really hard not to let it stress me out.b) I think I'll let the kid cry it out, but I figure I'll know when it's time to make that decision.  We won't co-sleep bc I can't handle a baby AND a bulldog in my bed.c) I'm going to try to be as sane as possible with the kid, b/c I truly believe that laid back parents lead to laid back babies.d) I've heard that when in doubt, refer to The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD.e) I'm 100% sure I'm going to screw up my kid in some way, but I think that's just part of parenting.
    image Mabel the Loser.
  • I agree with Lanie and Vinny.The plan right now is that kids are probably 4 years off still for us, and I'm already discussing and researching and thinking about it. Heith and I will have plans and ideas about the philosophies that we want to go by. But anyone who goes into parenting without accepting the fact that some flexibility and adapting to the individual kid will be needed, are likely to be in for some rude awakenings. And yet, you seem to be agreeing with me.  Or maybe we're all agreeing and just expressing it differently.I said affirmatively that things change and people adjust, but a "WTF" for having thought through how you want to parent children gets a "WTF" from me.And SURELY there are many more WTFable posts on the AP board.
  • November, may I join you in your hammock?
    Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
  • Absolutely, Lindsay.  The more pregnant ladies, the merrier.
    image Mabel the Loser.
  • My WTF to the c&p came from the poster shaking her head at her friends that use jumpers, swings, and pack-n-plays and whose babies, "spend half of their days in there."  If Andy had the capacity in those early days to do so, he would have biitch slapped me if I tried to hold him all day and kept him out of his bouncy seat.  Andy has never been a very cuddly baby.  Since those very early days, he has required alone time.  He would cry and fuss if we were holding him, but as soon as we put him down in his crib, he would relax.So I stand by my WTF to the girl who isn't pregnant and saying that "we (AP followers) believe that doing that help the child develop and bond better."  I'm just saying, wait to meet your kid before you determine what they will need to bond and develop.
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