HELP ME!!

Nebb

I want my inlaws to leave so I can just hang out without them around, omg. theyve been here ALL DAY...

ANYWAYS
Question. I know ive asked this crap to death. Re: my best firend who i have had a falling out with and am not talking to. I refuse to call/text/message her because I realized (after our fight) that I was the only one ever initiating contact between us. Since I stopped, she hasnt bothered trying. Im mad, im hurt, im a bunch of things. I dont want to "make the first move" because i dont want to give in, because it seems like I always am the one to make it. It seems like she doesnt care, and im really hurt, and it is making me bitter and want to say mean things.

Would you say something to her, about how you felt. Would you make the first move and start up a diologue again. I dont think I should have to, I think if she gave atleast 2 shiits she would have said something to me by now and its been a MONTH. Its making me more and more bitter the longer this goes on.

Please tell me what to do.

ricksang

Do you want her to be your friend?

frogurt814

I had a similar situation about 5 years ago.  A really good friend and I had a falling out.  I'm still not sure what the falling out was about.  She just quit talking to me one day.  I called/texted/e-mailed her for months asking what was wrong and apologizing for whatever it was she thought I did.

I never received any responses.  I finally decided to just quit.  Sometimes I still miss her because she was really fun, but oh well.  I have made plenty of new friends since then and don't feel like I have a void  in my life.

So I guess I don't really know what kind of advice to give you....but just thought I'd share my story.

Steph0871

F* her.

Although, it seems like you really do miss her and want her to be your friend (or at least want to dismiss any hard feelings.) This is tough.  I'm usually in the same boat as you- I'm always one the one "reaching out" to friends, etc.  It gets frustrating.  But in my case, if I don't, I kind of just end up all alone.

Maybe just shoot her a casual text/email saying "just wanted to say hi, make sure everything's going ok in your life.  Let me know if you want to grab a beer/coffee/movie/whatever."  Then you reached out, but the ball is in her court to actually make plans?

susieq87

I wouldnt. If you have notices that you are the only one ever starting up contact after a fight, she obviously doesnt care. I am sorry that your friend doesnt care as much as you wish she would, but you are better off without someone like that in your life. If you keep giving in, it will always be you making the effort and that isn't fair. A friendship should go both ways, just like a marriage. If one person isn't contributing, than that is not a friendship at all.

Nebb

I miss her, but I dont think I should have to do all the work. I know if I say anything to her she will go on a tirade about how I "always" cancel plans and am just such a horrible person. (I qouted always because thats what she said in our fight, when in actuality I hadnt cancelled plans in months).

Ive just grown so much anger in the past month, regarding her and crap she has said to me, that I dont know how I could NOT say it. Im pissed off that she would lose it on me and her rationale is "shes entitled to her opinion", yet ive NEVER ever in 22 years spoken to her like that.

ricksang

If it is eating at you maybe you should make the first move, although I don't think you should have to do that!

[Deleted User]

Honestly I think you should just cut your losses. Or at the very least, try to think of her as just an acquaintance that you may or may not speak to in the near future. One person shouldn't have that kind of power over you, to where you can't stop thinking about it and feel guilty or mean or bitter, especially when she's likely not giving a rat's ass on her end.

Is there a reason why you want to hold on to the friendship? I don't remember the entire story, like how long you've been friends. My best friend is similar to your friend in that she never calls, or she says she'll call back in 5 minutes or that night and it will be 2 weeks later before I hear from her. But, she's my former stepsister and we grew up together, so I'll never break that bond. If it were anyone else, I'd say so long and not give it another thought.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:9d39c96f-5a40-4ef3-ab8f-5defdfe6ce4d">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldnt. <strong>If you have notices that you are the only one ever starting up contact after a fight, she obviously doesnt care</strong>. I am sorry that your friend doesnt care as much as you wish she would, but you are better off without someone like that in your life. If you keep giving in, it will always be you making the effort and that isn't fair. A friendship should go both ways, just like a marriage. If one person isn't contributing, than that is not a friendship at all.
Posted by susieq87[/QUOTE]
Thats what I think. I noticed that I was the only one ever starting things up, or making plans, or anything. Even when I would text her, she woudl take half a day to reply and I know she keeps her bb on her hip, even when she hung out she would be f'ing around with it whenever it made a noise. I was obviously being ignored.

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:162e295d-895d-42a8-8d89-a6f77c9f72c7">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I miss her, but I dont think I should have to do all the work. I know if I say anything to her she will go on a tirade about how I "always" cancel plans and am just such a horrible person. (I qouted always because thats what she said in our fight, when in actuality I hadnt cancelled plans in months). Ive just grown so much anger in the past month, regarding her and crap she has said to me, that I dont know how I could NOT say it. Im pissed off that she would lose it on me and her rationale is "shes entitled to her opinion", <strong>yet ive NEVER ever in 22 years spoken to her like that.
</strong>Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Hmmm maybe it's time you let her have it.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:563bfe87-c0f1-4217-b43a-85d69417011c">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]F* her. Although, it seems like you really do miss her and want her to be your friend (or at least want to dismiss any hard feelings.) This is tough.  I'm usually in the same boat as you- I'm always one the one "reaching out" to friends, etc.  It gets frustrating.  But in my case, if I don't, I kind of just end up all alone. Maybe just shoot her a casual text/email saying "just wanted to say hi, make sure everything's going ok in your life.  Let me know if you want to grab a beer/coffee/movie/whatever."  Then you reached out, but the ball is in her court to actually make plans?
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

I mean - friends fight.  But if she isn't making an effort at all, why bother?  At the same time - you post about her once in a while so it's totally apparent that no matter what happens between the two of you, you still care about her.  And that says a lot about you.  The fact that she hasn't contacted you at all says a lot about her, too, though.

I would see nothing wrong in shooting her a quick note to reach out, see how she is, blah blah blah - I totally agree with the whole "balls in her court" thing.  If you extend an olive branch and she ignores it - then I'm sorry hon, she just sucks.  But you tried. 

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:a0f6a215-7564-4c21-a71d-e5d168a05278">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly I think you should just cut your losses. Or at the very least, try to think of her as just an acquaintance that you may or may not speak to in the near future. One person shouldn't have that kind of power over you, to where you can't stop thinking about it and feel guilty or mean or bitter, especially when she's likely not giving a rat's ass on her end. Is there a reason why you want to hold on to the friendship? I don't remember the entire story, like how long you've been friends. My best friend is similar to your friend in that she never calls, or she says she'll call back in 5 minutes or that night and it will be 2 weeks later before I hear from her. But, she's my former stepsister and we grew up together, so I'll never break that bond. If it were anyone else, I'd say so long and not give it another thought.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
Weve been friends since I was four. She was my MOH.

tidetravel

Let it go, Nebb.

You gave it time and things haven't changed.  She only confirmed your suspicions.  If you were to make contact again, you have to realize that the relationship is just going to continue the way it has been.  It's not the type of friendship that you want, so it's only going to anger/hurt you more if she continues to not be the friend that you want her to be.  Which, she will, because she's NOT the friend you want her to be.

You're bordering on the definition of insanity here.

Nebb

I know it super lame but ir eally REALLY bothers me everyday that she hasnt tried to say anything to me. Every time I see her post on FB or comment on anyone elses status or anything they say on FB it pisses me off because she has completely ignored me for the past month. It hurts, and I just want her to hurt this much. I know that sounds really stupid and petty but it pisses me off that she doesnt care at all and I do.

[Deleted User]

Oh, yeah it's definitely harder to cut someone that close to you.

I guess if it's really bothering you, there's no harm in a quick e-mail to put the ball in her court. Or even something simple, like "I know we had a fight, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship."

I know you don't want to always be the one to reach out, but eventually it reaches a point to where you either suck it up and send an email or text, or face the fact that you have probably lost a friend. both options suck. I wish she were a better friend to you.

ricksang

I have to agree with Tide, you are driving yourself nuts. Over what? You should adopt her attitude. I bet eventually she will say something.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I don't think it's lame, Nebb - although I kinda think I agree a little with tide on the bordering insanity - but why wouldn't it drive you insane?  You guys have been friends your whole lives and she was your maid of honor in your wedding.  That is no small deal at all.

At the very least - I do think she owes you an explaination of why she doesn't care to communicate with you anymore.  You're trying - and she's not.  Why? 

katiewhompus

I think give it one last try. Send her an email explaining how hurt you feel about the fact that she never initiates conversation, that you miss having her as a friend, etc. Let her know that the ball is in her court and if she doesn't give you an indication otherwise, that you will interpret that to mean the friendship is over and you wish her well on her life's journeys.

Then drop her, because she isn't worth your time.

kimheartsscott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:162e295d-895d-42a8-8d89-a6f77c9f72c7">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Im pissed off that she would lose it on me and her rationale is "shes entitled to her opinion", yet ive NEVER ever in 22 years spoken to her like that.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

This is my best friend and I EXACTLY.  I see her 5 times a week.

I stick around because she talks to everybody the way she talks to me rarely.  I don't know if that's a valid excuse, or if it's just because I don't have any friends.


Anyway, that doesn't really help you.  Sorry.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

npasquale16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:2f0754fa-87b6-47c3-912d-193e7c89e938">Re: HELP ME!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it super lame but ir eally REALLY bothers me everyday that she hasnt tried to say anything to me. Every time I see her post on FB or comment on anyone elses status or anything they say on FB it pisses me off because she has completely ignored me for the past month. It hurts, and I just want her to hurt this much. I know that sounds really stupid and petty but it pisses me off that she doesnt care at all and I do.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
If it bothers you this much, you should do something about it.  What does your gut say?  Either stand up to her and tell her how you feel or totally cut her out of your life, but it seems like you need to take some kind of action.

Nebb

I dont think im bordering on insanity. She has been in my life since I was 4 years old. Its like a 22 year relationship is breaking up. Its a lot for me. I just feel like shiit.

ricksang

Aww I know it must hurt.

Maybe you should tell her at least how you feel.

tidetravel

You're only hurting yourself.  The friendship has changed - it is not the relationship that you remember.  It may never be.  She seems comfortable with the way things are, and to be honest, they may never be the way that they were before.

You need to cut her off.  Delete her from facebook, lose her phone number.  FOrget about her.  If she finds her way back to you, then you can reconsider establishing a new friendship.  Constantly thinking about it serves no purpose other than to make you angry and depressed.  That's not the way I would want any friendship to end. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

If you feel like shiit then you owe it to yourself to just ask her what her deal is.  You deserve that much from her after 22 years.

tidetravel

 I think the insanity quote was taken the wrong way.  What's the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result.

You've tried staying friends with her, and she disappoints you every single time.  What makes you think that next time will be any different?

aprovencher21

Aw Nebb I feel so bad.  I don't think this is lame or insane.  Its hard to end a long relationship especially when it appears the other person doesn't care or isn't hurting like you are.  I think you should write a long email saying how much the fight, her lack of communication, the overal distance etc. has hurt you.  Send it to her and then the ball is in her court.  If she doesn't respond approrpiately you've done all you could and she just isn't worth it.

My ex BFF and I went through this.  Though she ended up contacting me nothing will ever be the same and we are distant.  Hugs for you.

Nebb

I feel like deleting her, makes ME the ass somehow. I just dont want to SEE her, I dont want to see anything about her if shes being like this, because it just agrivates me. I guess it doesnt really matter if I look like an ass, because I know that she has rationatlized that I am an ass because I cancelled plans here and there and am just so horrible. I KNOW she checked out of the friendship before I even realized it. I just feel duped.

kimheartsscott

FWIW - I do NOT think you are bordering on insanity.  I got dropped by a friend in high school because his girlfriend thought I was a threat.  I was upset about it for months.  A year later he called and apologized, but the friendship isn't the same anymore.

anna.oskar

i'm sorry Nebb. It really, really sucks.  I'm in the same boat as you at the moment with my MOH.  I keep telling myself to just let her go but I can't bring myself to delete her number from my phone.   It's terribly lonely since we were the sort of friends that called each other about even the most trivial daily things.

I'm sorry you're in this icky situation.  I'm going to sort through the advice you get and decide what to do myself.

npasquale16

If deleting her is the only way you can move past this and not feel terrible everyday, that's the way to go. 

Nebb

Uuuuugh this sucks. I keep having dreams (well, 2 dreams in the past 3 weeks) that we make up and are all fine which is probably making it worse for me. My subconscious hates me.