Does anyone have that friend that finds herself in a relationship with a guy that treats her like garbage, but she can't bring herself to leave because she lurves him, and he might change, one day? You know how you just want to grab her and throttle her and scream at her, "You don't deserve this?!"
I know tide, I know. I know if I was on the other side I would be saying exactly that, but I feel like a div on this side not being able to do anything because I feel bad.
I KNOW that for the past, I dont know how long, we havnt talked much and she hasnt been at all invested in the friendship, I just didnt realize it at the time so I didnt notice it like i do now. I know NOW without her isnt really all that different from THEN, but its just hard.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:38100d10-ed99-486d-a371-d81257876c27">Re: HELP ME!!</a>: [QUOTE]Does anyone have that friend that finds herself in a relationship with a guy that treats her like garbage, but she can't bring herself to leave because she lurves him, and he might change, one day? You know how you just want to grab her and throttle her and scream at her, "You don't deserve this?!" That's kinda how I feel right now. Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE] I've been there. But now I have a friend who is with the wrong guy because all of her friends are engaged or getting married. He's sic years younger (only 21 or 22) and is definitely not ready to get married. She broke up with him because of this, which was good, because they were at different places. Now she's back with him because she doesn't want to be alone, but she's emotionally abusive to him. (I know she's with him because she doesn't want to be alone because her other BFF and I got engaged on the same day and her reaction was "I guess God wants me to kill myself"). It's hard to watch someone be cruel to someone else.
I know it's hard Nebb. I've been there too. I think I told you before that my BFF and I met in 3rd grade, and grew up together. We drifted apart after I graduated HS because we were just at different points in our life. I felt like I was the one that was constantly trying to call her or get together with her, and that she kept bailing on me. I was hurt, frustrated, and angry Finally, I decided that it was time to let go, and I stopped trying to reach out to her. I knew that I didn't want to look back on what was a great friendship with bitterness about how it ended.
Many, many years went by, and I thought of her often. I even sent birthday and christmas cards to her mom's house for her every year, just so she knew that I still thought about her. One day, out of the blue, she found me again. We started talking and formed a new relationship - an adult relationship. We talk about once a month, and we see each other 3-4 times a year. It's certainly not the relationship that it was when we were kids, but I don't think that it really should be. We grew up, found our own paths in life, and we try to make them cross every once in a while. I will say that even if we don't talk for months at a time, when we do, it's like no time has passed at all.
Do yourself a favor and let her go. It will hurt, and it will suck, but it will also get better. No wound heals if you continue to poke and prod at it. It needs time, and space to breathe. Don't allow the bitterness and hurt that you are feeling now mar a 22 year friendship. Let it die with honor.
I know it's half a dozen/6 but would it help if you just hid her for a while? That way you wouldn't have to deal with the backlash of deleting but wouldn't have her in your face all the time?
If it's bothering you that much, maybe it's worth one more shot. Let her know, flat out, exactly how you feel, what you need from her to continue your friendship, etc. If nothing happens after that, cut your losses and move on. Maybe she just needs a wake up call.
Its silly but I feel like im just the equivilent of the needy girlfriend if I contact her and say all of that. I dont see why I should have to be the one to do this, I know it matters to me but my ego is standing in the way.
ok i read half of page one so forgive me if I repeat anything someone said.
No you should not HAVE to ALWAYS make the first move but sometimes that is just how it is. I have friends where i do all the work to keep the "spark" alive but some people just need that feeling that someone cares. Maybe your friend is using your lack of "first move" as an excuse to have a pity party for herself (which some people thoroughly enjoy). If reaching out to her is not your type of things just prepare yourself to loose that friendship. Life will go on and surround yourself with other friends that make you feel loved, needed and happy. If this girl is not doing those things for you im not sure if keeping this alive is worth the work.
It doesn't sound to me like you want to re-establish the friendship. It sounds like you want to go off on her and let her know just bad she has made you feel. If that will give you closure, then do what you need to do. Just don't do it in writing.
ETA: Not so much an "ZOMG you're so mean" but rather, "Hey friend, I want you to know how upset I am about all of this. I feel like I've invested so much time and emotional energy, and you just don't care. I thought you valued our relationship more than that, and it really hurts to know you don't."
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-me-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17f03096-1634-4d4b-83bc-5957d7f27023Post:59a49f9e-7e25-4c0d-9f8e-c9d69c4a8d1f">Re: HELP ME!!</a>: [QUOTE]It doesn't sound to me like you want to re-establish the friendship. <strong>It sounds like you want to go off on her and let her know just bad she has made you feel.</strong> If that will give you closure, then do what you need to do. Just don't do it in writing. ETA: Not so much an "ZOMG you're so mean" but rather, "Hey friend, I want you to know how upset I am about all of this. I feel like I've invested so much time and emotional energy, and you just don't care. I thought you valued our relationship more than that, and it really hurts to know you don't." Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE] That IS how I feel, to some extent. Thats also part of why Im keeping to myself. It angers me that she went off on me the way she did, and I would never do that, so I am trying to keep myself from doing the same. I WANT to tell her to F off and tell her exactly what I think of the way she is being, but I wont. I think there is something to be said for not saying everything you think just because you think it.
You could say it in a much more mature manner. Make it about how you are feeling. *I* am feeling unappreciated, hurt, etc. You're not accusing her; you're telling her how you feel.
If you don't want to go through with it, maybe write it all down just for yourself. Get it out on paper, and then just let it go.
The writing it out suggestion comes from personal experience. I ended a childhood friendshop and it sucked. I got all of my frustrations out in an 8 page letter that I never mailed. It made me feel better to just get it on paper.
The only reason I dont want to is that when she has said shiit to me, it was in the "I feel you are doing this and this and being this" way, and she justfied it because she is entitled to her opinion and to have feelings. All it seemed to me was her way of basically saying wahtever she wanted without any care for how it made me feel. I dont want to do that.
Thank you guys, you really helped. I ended up just hiding her on FB for now, I will see how I feel later whether I delete her or not. I know youre all right too so Im going to just let it go so I can stop letting it bother me.
depends if you want to be her friend....if you are always chasing her around and you don't mind it then you can resolve it.
recently a friend of mine was like this. she would post on fb that she was sooooo bored blah blah blah - instead of fb-ing back i would call or text her, no reply, no answer so if you are bored it's YOUR fault....
this was also a friend that no matter the topic she had to bring it back to her....another mutial friend's aunt was diagnosed iwth breast cancer and the self centered friend who YOU would have to hunt down brought it back to her and how terrible being pregnant was because her feet were swollen...really??
needless to say i stopped making contact it wasn't worth my effort since i was always there for her when she needed a friend but she was never there for anyone else....i have been contacted TWICE since engagement once she wanted to send her a picture of the ring?!?! and two she thinks her daughter would be an AWESOME flower girl....yeah I'll get right on those requests - NOT!
so weigh it out...what is going to be better for you:
hunting down a friend or cutting someone out that isn't there for you
UGH...what a shiity feeling. I had a simlar situation with my bff.
We had known each other since we were 4. Lived literally right next dooer to each other growing up (AND when the whole fiasco took place). I was in school fulltime + working fulltime. I used to host 'jean parties' and I was having my 1st, invited her-because I know how much she loves designer jeans, and she said she would be there. Not only did she not show up, but she didn't even bother to call that night (or at all) to give me a lame 'my allergies are acting up' excuse. I was hurt.
3 weeks later was her b-day, I didn't want to be a d*ck and not call on her b-day, but I was sill upset, so I called her the night before to 'talk'. I started off by asking if she was upset with me because she was a no-show + I hadn't heard from her in 3 weeks (don't forget..we lived NEXT DOOR to eachother). She totally flipped out on me, telling me the world doesn't revolve around me...blah, blah, blah. And how I don't understand what she's going thru (she was right on that...she wasn't COMMUNICATING anything, how was I supposed to understand what she'd been going thru???) and ultimately hung up me. I was crushed! (not to mention, PISSED that she hung up on me) I don't deal well with people that hang up on me, call it ego or whatever, I think it's completely rude and a slap in my face.
We didn't speak for 4 months-all the while living side by side. It wasn't until the day I was graduating from nursing school, and she saw me leaving the house in my cap & gown, that she stopped me. We spoke briefly, and she appeared apologetic. It seemed like seeing me reach a milestone + not being there to celebrate with me made her wake up. We did 'make-up' but that episode always lurks in the back of my mind, and (for me) has changed the friendship forever.
It's never fun when feelings are involved. My .02, as much as it sucks + hurts...just stay away. In my friends case it was 'guy' issues, and I just happen to get the brunt of it.
Re: HELP ME!!
That's kinda how I feel right now.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
I KNOW that for the past, I dont know how long, we havnt talked much and she hasnt been at all invested in the friendship, I just didnt realize it at the time so I didnt notice it like i do now. I know NOW without her isnt really all that different from THEN, but its just hard.
[QUOTE]Does anyone have that friend that finds herself in a relationship with a guy that treats her like garbage, but she can't bring herself to leave because she lurves him, and he might change, one day? You know how you just want to grab her and throttle her and scream at her, "You don't deserve this?!" That's kinda how I feel right now.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
I've been there. But now I have a friend who is with the wrong guy because all of her friends are engaged or getting married. He's sic years younger (only 21 or 22) and is definitely not ready to get married. She broke up with him because of this, which was good, because they were at different places. Now she's back with him because she doesn't want to be alone, but she's emotionally abusive to him. (I know she's with him because she doesn't want to be alone because her other BFF and I got engaged on the same day and her reaction was "I guess God wants me to kill myself"). It's hard to watch someone be cruel to someone else.
I made a bio?!?
Many, many years went by, and I thought of her often. I even sent birthday and christmas cards to her mom's house for her every year, just so she knew that I still thought about her. One day, out of the blue, she found me again. We started talking and formed a new relationship - an adult relationship. We talk about once a month, and we see each other 3-4 times a year. It's certainly not the relationship that it was when we were kids, but I don't think that it really should be. We grew up, found our own paths in life, and we try to make them cross every once in a while. I will say that even if we don't talk for months at a time, when we do, it's like no time has passed at all.
Do yourself a favor and let her go. It will hurt, and it will suck, but it will also get better. No wound heals if you continue to poke and prod at it. It needs time, and space to breathe. Don't allow the bitterness and hurt that you are feeling now mar a 22 year friendship. Let it die with honor.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
House / Baby blog
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
No you should not HAVE to ALWAYS make the first move but sometimes that is just how it is. I have friends where i do all the work to keep the "spark" alive but some people just need that feeling that someone cares. Maybe your friend is using your lack of "first move" as an excuse to have a pity party for herself (which some people thoroughly enjoy). If reaching out to her is not your type of things just prepare yourself to loose that friendship. Life will go on and surround yourself with other friends that make you feel loved, needed and happy. If this girl is not doing those things for you im not sure if keeping this alive is worth the work.
If that will give you closure, then do what you need to do. Just don't do it in writing.
ETA: Not so much an "ZOMG you're so mean" but rather, "Hey friend, I want you to know how upset I am about all of this. I feel like I've invested so much time and emotional energy, and you just don't care. I thought you valued our relationship more than that, and it really hurts to know you don't."
[QUOTE]It doesn't sound to me like you want to re-establish the friendship. <strong>It sounds like you want to go off on her and let her know just bad she has made you feel.</strong> If that will give you closure, then do what you need to do. Just don't do it in writing. ETA: Not so much an "ZOMG you're so mean" but rather, "Hey friend, I want you to know how upset I am about all of this. I feel like I've invested so much time and emotional energy, and you just don't care. I thought you valued our relationship more than that, and it really hurts to know you don't."
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]
That IS how I feel, to some extent. Thats also part of why Im keeping to myself. It angers me that she went off on me the way she did, and I would never do that, so I am trying to keep myself from doing the same. I WANT to tell her to F off and tell her exactly what I think of the way she is being, but I wont. I think there is something to be said for not saying everything you think just because you think it.
If you don't want to go through with it, maybe write it all down just for yourself. Get it out on paper, and then just let it go.
recently a friend of mine was like this. she would post on fb that she was sooooo bored blah blah blah - instead of fb-ing back i would call or text her, no reply, no answer so if you are bored it's YOUR fault....
this was also a friend that no matter the topic she had to bring it back to her....another mutial friend's aunt was diagnosed iwth breast cancer and the self centered friend who YOU would have to hunt down brought it back to her and how terrible being pregnant was because her feet were swollen...really??
needless to say i stopped making contact it wasn't worth my effort since i was always there for her when she needed a friend but she was never there for anyone else....i have been contacted TWICE since engagement once she wanted to send her a picture of the ring?!?! and two she thinks her daughter would be an AWESOME flower girl....yeah I'll get right on those requests - NOT!
so weigh it out...what is going to be better for you:
hunting down a friend
or cutting someone out that isn't there for you
all up to you - good luck!
Sept 2011 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Ceremony Photo
~~Planning~~
~~FOR SALE~~
UGH...what a shiity feeling. I had a simlar situation with my bff.
We had known each other since we were 4. Lived literally right next dooer to each other growing up (AND when the whole fiasco took place). I was in school fulltime + working fulltime. I used to host 'jean parties' and I was having my 1st, invited her-because I know how much she loves designer jeans, and she said she would be there. Not only did she not show up, but she didn't even bother to call that night (or at all) to give me a lame 'my allergies are acting up' excuse. I was hurt.
3 weeks later was her b-day, I didn't want to be a d*ck and not call on her b-day, but I was sill upset, so I called her the night before to 'talk'. I started off by asking if she was upset with me because she was a no-show + I hadn't heard from her in 3 weeks (don't forget..we lived NEXT DOOR to eachother). She totally flipped out on me, telling me the world doesn't revolve around me...blah, blah, blah. And how I don't understand what she's going thru (she was right on that...she wasn't COMMUNICATING anything, how was I supposed to understand what she'd been going thru???) and ultimately hung up me. I was crushed! (not to mention, PISSED that she hung up on me) I don't deal well with people that hang up on me, call it ego or whatever, I think it's completely rude and a slap in my face.
We didn't speak for 4 months-all the while living side by side. It wasn't until the day I was graduating from nursing school, and she saw me leaving the house in my cap & gown, that she stopped me. We spoke briefly, and she appeared apologetic. It seemed like seeing me reach a milestone + not being there to celebrate with me made her wake up. We did 'make-up' but that episode always lurks in the back of my mind, and (for me) has changed the friendship forever.
It's never fun when feelings are involved. My .02, as much as it sucks + hurts...just stay away. In my friends case it was 'guy' issues, and I just happen to get the brunt of it.