When have you waited too long in a relationship?

katiewhompus

This may turn into a Tuesday post but that's ok

I'm curious, when have you dated someone long enough where if you aren't ready for marriage with them, then you might not like them as much as you think?
One of my friends has been dating the same guy for the last 15 years. She is now 35. She asked him to marry her once and he said he needed more time to think about him. After a year or so had passed she asked why he wanted to wait longer, as it had already been 10 years. He said "I don't know if you're the one yet"

*crickets*

Not "I think we should wait until we're financially ready" or "I think we should wait until our jobs are more secure". No, "I don't know if you're the one yet".

She thinks that's a perfectly fine answer. I think if you've dated someone for 15 years and he doesn't know if you are the one, then you obviously aren't and should be getting out of there while you still can.

thoughts?

nda_roxybabe

Uh, after 15 years!? I'm sorry, if you don't know by then....holy cow.
In my personal life, 5 years would be my limit. If you don't know after 5 years if you're ready for marriage, thats a problem. Luckily, T has made it quite clear thats he's mentally ready, just not finacially and thats ok.

jasmineh7777

That would hurt a lot. I can understand finances, and emotion to some extent (although I think that people can grow emotionally together).
The way he phrased it makes me think that he is open to other options. He's still looking and isn't committed to her.

Night_Sprite

For your friend, I am tragically reminded of that stupid self help book, he's just not that into you.  I am sure it would be hard for her to leave, but she'll never get what she wants from this guy. 

katiewhompus

Good to know I'm not crazy

She honestly thinks he's just not ready yet, and is perfectly fine to wait around until he figures it out. She's not willing to have kids with him, buy a house, etc though unless he is ready to commit to marriage which is slowly killing her inside. I keep telling her that if he hasn't figured it out by now he's not going to, but I think she just can't give up the last 15 years as a waste

jasmineh7777

Love isn't always hot and heavy and all-consuming. I think it quiets after a while. But, if you can picture your life happily without your SO in it, I just don't think you're in love.

tidetravel

3 years was always the magic number in my mind.  If we've been together for 3 years, and you're not ready for marriage, it's time to move on.

npasquale16

I hav to agreewith Tide.  I think three years gives the couple a nice amount of time for the "honeymoon" phase to wear off, for people to meet each other's families, and to know each other, and yourself as a part of that couple, well enough to know whether it's a situation that works.  15 years?  Is she just so used to the situation that she feels she won't do any better?

future-mrs

I waited 6 years and that was TOO long.  Plus, there were so many other red flags it was my own fault I didn't get out when I should have.  Commitment was definitely not the only issue but after that ordeal I probably wouldn't have waited more than 2 years with any future bf's.  Luckily, FI was on the ball! 

katiewhompus

I think so. And she doesn't want to be 35 and single.

jasmineh7777

I heard about this guy, with a website to find a wife...:P

brookelynpaisley

I agree. If someone's been with you for that long and can't figure out how they feel about you, it's time to walk away. For me anyway. But she seems to be fine with it, so that's her thing to deal with. There are plenty of things in other peoples' relationships that wouldn't fly in my own life that people are happy with, so who am I to judge. Personally, if I was with someone for about 2 years and they couldn't pin down a feeling about a future together, I'd walk.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_waited-long-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:185f5491-4d2a-42b6-b650-5ef55eb6c0d6Post:faff39ef-c5a4-47d3-8c4f-e5fa2f9dd156">Re: When have you waited too long in a relationship?</a>:
[QUOTE]Good to know I'm not crazy :) She honestly thinks he's just not ready yet, and is perfectly fine to wait around until he figures it out. She's not willing to have kids with him, buy a house, etc though unless he is ready to commit to marriage which is slowly killing her inside. I keep telling her that if he hasn't figured it out by now he's not going to, but I think she just can't give up the last 15 years as a waste :(
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

If she's 35 then she's probably not going to be having kids at all whether she's willing or not if she waits too much longer.  If she can't see that I doubt you're going to be able to convince her otherwise.

LesPaul

15 years?  She's fooling herself.  He will never commit, and she is unwilling to admit it.  I personally had a 3.5 year relationship where we discussed marriage between years 1 and 2, and I thought we had decided on a wedding date 1-2 years out.  But . . . at year 3 he started waffing, and finally admitted that he wasn't going to marry me at all.  So I was done.  The best part - he ended up marrying someone he had known for 3 weeks, (yes, weeks), and now has a 2 year old, and is miserable.  Karma is a biitch, dude.

katiewhompus

Oh Jas, now my husband is giving me the "Oh god what are your knotties talking about now" look because I snorted. Not cool!

npasquale16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_waited-long-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:185f5491-4d2a-42b6-b650-5ef55eb6c0d6Post:b90dfaf5-ab94-4f82-80aa-52f13359665c">Re: When have you waited too long in a relationship?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think so. And she doesn't want to be 35 and single.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]
That's hard.  One of my close friends is in a bad relationship for the same reason.  She's going to be 29 and he will be 23.  They met when he was 18.  She feels like since the majority of her friends are married or engaged, she should be there too.  She broke up with him in February, but kept talking to him and never gave herself a chance to move on.  When I got engaged in April (her other friend did the same day, also), she went back to him.  It sucks because I think most people would agree that it's worse to be in a bad situation than alone, but I guess it's hard to believe that when you're in the situation. 

kimheartsscott

That is waaay too long.  She is fooling herself.

jasmineh7777

Just show him the website, and he'll understand.

katiewhompus

He thinks we're crazy, he's only half correct

I know how it feels to be stuck too. My relationship before Dh was that way. We started dating in college, moved in together and the fire just fizzed out. By that time we were living in DC, away from all of my friends and family, in an apartment I thought I couldn't afford on my own, and I didn't want the last 3 years to be for nothing. It took one of my friends calling my then bf a "roommate with benefits...except you don't like the benefits" to start reconsidering what I was doing.

saschaduran

One of my best friends is in a 10 year long relationship with a guy that she has had major problems with...including horrible verbal abuse and cheating...especially the pictures she found of him in Brazil with 5 naked hookers in the bed.  She can't even stand to have sex with him now.

She won't leave him because a.  he supports her, and b.  she feels if she walks now she will have wasted 10 years of her life and c.  she thinks every guy will treat her the same...which they may, since she allows it..  And she is also 35 and wants kids.

I wish she realized how much more she deserves.

They just set their wedding date for the end of 2012.  She also thinks 2012 will be the end of the world.  Coincidence?

Blueyed228

3 years without a ring would be my limit.

I have friends who have been together 11 years and have a 1 year old.  They are so rocky.  I feel bad because I like them both, I just dont think they are right for each other.  But I think once you hit a certain point, comfort sets in.

saschaduran

As for myself...I used to get kind of clausterphobic in LT committed relationships so I never had one more than a year or 2.  If they lasted longer it was because they were not monogamous.

I did have a boyfriend though for 4 years (1.5 dating and 2.5 as boyfriend/girlfriend).  When I realized it was going nowhere and I wasn't going to stay in Michigan for a boyfriend I wasn't going to marry, I decided to move to Vegas and told him 3 weeks before I left.  But then we dated long distance for another 4 years.  But at least I didn't feel tied down and trapped and was able to date other people.  

thesuninherhead

I would figure that if someone didn't know me well enough to make that call after a couple of years (I don't expect them to propose after a couple of years, but I would like a commitment that they can see that sort of future with me) they probably won't ever feel that way (but then, I am used to intensity in relationships so perhaps this is unreasonable). I just think that, baring personal commitment issues, if you're with someone who you click with in a way that would make you good together long-term, you'll know it.

thesuninherhead

(that said, I was with my ex for 5 years and we weren't engaged. We were young, though, and we were both serious about one another even though we weren't engaged, so that was enough for me at that time). 

Lenore2010

I think three years works as a limit for people who are interested in marriage. If either of you are unsure at that point, odds are it is not going to happen. 

The other side is that I think a lot of women talk about wanting marriage/commitment but make very sure to be in a relationship that will not go there. They don't truly want the marriage, kids, house thing but they feel they ought to want it so they pretend to themselves and others that they do. So, they either get involved with one impossible guy after or another or they stay in a LTR with someone they know perfectly well will never marry them. I think for some people the situation serves a lot of purposes. They don't have to face not really wanting commitment, they get a bit of personal drama going on to make life more interesting, AND they get to complain to friends about the sad state of affairs.

I think saying you want something (marriage) but staying for years and years in a relationship where you are highly unlikely to get that can be an "actions speak louder than words" situation. 

[Deleted User]

H was my first relationship, so I never waited too long in a relationship. He proposed on our 3-year anniversary, but had he not of, I would have been fine waiting. I could be with him and not be married, so long as I knew he was committed to me and me alone.

Well, I say that, but who knows, 10 years down the line chances are I would be wanting a ring.

MarriedInAFever

One of my best friends waited and waited for her boyfriend to propose. She was completely committed to him and fully expected a proposal after four years. And at the four year mark, he surprised her with.... some time apart. He basically waited for him the entire next year. It really sucked.

FI and I were together four years before getting engaged. We both wanted to graduate before getting married and we did. 5+ years would be too much in my book.

Knottie1435582995

I think it all depends on where you are in life.  If my b/f through college would have proposed to me after we graduated (been dating 3 years), I would have said no because I was going to law school in a different state.  It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me and what I still wanted to accomplish before getting married.

My parents were together for over 10 years before they finally got married.  Granted, my mom gave my dad an ultimatum.  Either you marry me, or I'm gone.  Obvs they got married, and have been married for nearly 30 years.  But, if my mom hadn't have given him that ultimatum, my dad probably wouldn't have ever proposed.

In this case, they've been together for 15 years.  They're older...I would assume done with school and the major things in life that they want to do.  So, I'd say it's time for her to leave because he's not ever going to get it.  Maybe she should take a page out of my mom's playbook

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_waited-long-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:185f5491-4d2a-42b6-b650-5ef55eb6c0d6Post:ff6cc757-b59b-4470-b5fe-852f61da8fe1">Re: When have you waited too long in a relationship?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my best friends waited and waited for her boyfriend to propose. She was completely committed to him and fully expected a proposal after four years. <strong>And at the four year mark, he surprised her with.... some time apart.</strong> He basically waited for him the entire next year. It really sucked. FI and I were together four years before getting engaged. We both wanted to graduate before getting married and we did. 5+ years would be too much in my book.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]


"Some time apart" in man world is usually other words for "I want out of this". Not sure how it was for your friend, but that is generally the case.

I

pirategal03

3 years has been the breaking point in my past relationships.  Somewhere around that mark things turned downhill and I bailed.  It was a joke with FI that once we'd been together 3.5 years that must mean I really liked him.  I do think that relationships get to a point where you should either end it, or seriously consider marriage.

My co-worker has been with her boyfriend for over 7 years, she's late 30s and he's in his 40s.  They just bought a house together.  She wants a ring and a trip to Vegas yesterday, he's not ready yet.  I don't understand the whole dynamic, but they're happy with their arrangement. 

ledalia

My dad and his girlfriend just had their fifteenth anniversary this past March. She has been bugging him about a ring for years and years. I don't think he ever told her she wasn't the one but he sure has fed her excuse after excuse, none of which I buy. He's told me that he doesn't want to start over. When I got engaged last year, I felt so bad for her because I was only 7 when they started dating - can you imagine your boyfriend's seven year old eventually getting married before you do! My dad hasn't proposed but I think my engagement combined with the fact that I'm going to be married before him made him realize that he does want to be married. He didn't propose but they set a date for April.

It's one thing just to not want to be married. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who felt that way, but not everyone wants or believes in that piece of paper. But this guy doesn't even love her. I hope your friend wakes up and realizes she can do better!