XP: Relationship Help

AveryMcIlhenny

I'm a semi-reg, so I'm posting under an AE because this is hard to talk about...

We've been married for nearly 2 years and my husband is so unhappy.  Not with me really, but with his whole life.  Ironically, he has just about everything going for him (education, great caring family, financial security, etc.) but he's just not satisfied with his life.  

He does hate his job, and he's looking for other opportunities, but in the meanwhile he's just...  depressed.  He hardly gets any joy out of life.  He's short-tempered, doesn't talk to me, and rarely wants to do anything.  He's not open to counseling, medications, etc. and this has been going on since shortly after we got married.

I realize now that he's been depressed for a long time, before I was ever in his life.  But we were LD before, and I thought it was just because he missed me and wanted to start our life together, etc.  

Now I'm really scared that this is just who he is.  And I can't live like this forever.  I feel so alone in this marriage, and I certainly don't want to bring children into the mix either.  

So what can I do?  I love him and want to have a family with him, but not until he's better.  What if he never gets better?  Is this a reason to leave my husband?

MarriedInAFever

Sorry you're dealing with this, Avery.

Your husband sounds very troubled and I'm sure that's taking an enormous toll on your marriage. Right now, I think the best thing you can do for him is let him know you support and love him and also let him know he deserves to be happy.

You said he wasn't open to counseling. He needs to be. You need to let him know his depression is affecting your relationship and your emotional well-being. As your husband, he cares about you and should do whatever it takes to improve your marriage and get help for his depression.

Frankly, if he is unwilling to at the very least seek treatment, I think separation is warranted. And I think you two should have an honest discussion about this possibility.

Best of luck to you, Avery. We're here for you.

jasmineh7777

I would encourage you to talk with him about therapy. Sometimes men look at needing therapy as a weakness. Explain that he may well have a medical need based on a chemical imbalance.  From what you"ve said, it doesn"t sound like his issues are based on environment. He may quite simply need more serotonin in his system.
He could possibly talk to his medical doctor about this as well.

I think it is okay for you to express that his depression is affecting you as well. You are right to be concerned with bringing children into the situation. Good luck.

nda_roxybabe

He does need to be open to therapy or the very least, medication.
T deals with anxiety and depression. It's very, very hard when he is not on his meds. I can relate to that alone feeling and the feeling of not being able to do it forever.

I would seriously talk to him and express all this and suggest he get some help.

AveryMcIlhenny

Thanks.  I've told him several times over the last 6 months that I can't live like this.  I gave up so much - family, friends, a fulfilling job - to move to his hometown.  And it would be worth it if I didn't live with such a miserable person.

I don't think he actually believes that I'd leave.  And I don't want to.  I love him and want this to work.  But it's just so hard and I feel so alone.

nda_roxybabe

I'm really sorry you feel alone Realize that you're not. If nothing else, you can always seek support here.

I saw in your other post he said he is wanting to start his own business and that will make him happy. He has no idea what type of business he'd like to own though?
It sounds like, he thinks that will make him happy but really, he doesn't know. I do think he needs help. Is his family a support at all?
T's mom is always a great help when T is down.

MarriedInAFever

Unfortunately, it sounds like a separation may be in order. If you've already talked with him about seeking help and your unhappiness, he should have sought help and not tried to call your bluff. You deserve to be happy too and this is obviously not working. Let him know he needs to get help or you will leave. If you've already done this, leave. He needs to understand you're serious.

jasmineh7777

Does he understand that depression is a medical issue?

jasmineh7777

I say that because if he had cancer, he would treat it. Why is he unwilling to treat this?

kathrynhabibti

A huge problem with his not being open to therapy and/or medication is that, frankly, he needs to be open to therapy/medication, or he runs the risk of losing you and giving up the possibility of a family with you. Jas is right, men sometimes do look at needing them as a weakness and it can be hard for them to overcome that feeling. And if all else fails, separation may really be the best thing to do.

Good luck xx

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:28a8af9a-e251-436a-880e-7127fdd5e0d9">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Does he understand that depression is a medical issue?
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]
This.
It's very likely the way he is acting is not just who he is. When T is down, it is not the real him. The real him is happy and goofy and likes to have fun.

AveryMcIlhenny

This is so hard!  I don't know if I can leave just yet - I feel like I should give him more time.  But how much time?  

No, I don't think that he thinks his depression is a medical issue.  He seems to think that the only thing standing between him and happiness is self-employment.  

But realistically, even if/when that happens, life is tough!  There are going to be ups and downs.  If this is his reaction to the downs, we're in serious trouble.  

His family seems to ignore/accept the situation.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:0d81db22-f7e1-41d6-8532-5de48d49ca35">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]This is so hard!  I don't know if I can leave just yet - I feel like I should give him more time.  But how much time?   No, I don't think that he thinks his depression is a medical issue.  <strong>He seems to think that the only thing standing between him and happiness is self-employment.</strong>   But realistically, even if/when that happens, life is tough!  There are going to be ups and downs.  If this is his reaction to the downs, we're in serious trouble.   His family seems to ignore/accept the situation.
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]
Yea, until thats what he has. Then something else will be holding him back.

As for how much time...I'd give him another serious talk, stressing how you need him to get help this week or you will leave. That you love him but you can not live this way forever.

I know that will be super tough, and I'm sorry but it willbe betterfor you.

jasmineh7777

I don't think anyone here can tell you how much time is appropriate. You know what toll this is taking on you. Does he know you are not willing to have kids with him if things don't change?

I think you need to talk about the things you are feeling and what you need. You need for the both of you to speak to a doctor about this issue. (I worry he would down play it without you there.) You need to see him make an effort because you deserve to be happy too. You are supporting him. Now he needs to support you and seek help.

AveryMcIlhenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:c687f48e-55f8-4d90-9f99-38179fa93d86">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone here can tell you how much time is appropriate. You know what toll this is taking on you. <strong>Does he know you are not willing to have kids with him if things don't change?</strong> I think you need to talk about the things you are feeling and what you need. You need for the both of you to speak to a doctor about this issue. (I worry he would down play it without you there.) You need to see him make an effort because you deserve to be happy too. You are supporting him. Now he needs to support you and seek help.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, I've told him that we can't start a family with him like this.  Which brings me to another issue:  I'm in my 30s.  I can't wait around for years and years for him to get better because I definitely want a family.  Of course, I want it with him, but I can't have children under these circumstances.</div>

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: Relationship Help : Yea, until thats what he has. Then something else will be holding him back. As for how much time...I'd give him another serious talk, stressing how you need him to get help this week or you will leave. That you love him but <strong>you can not live this way forever</strong>. I know that will be super tough, and I'm sorry but it willbe betterfor you.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
You're right. I'd even add "will not", Avery.

jasmineh7777

I think setting a time limit is an appropriate step.
I would also inform his family of the seriousness if the situation.

How depressed is he? i.e. Is he not getting out of bed? Is he unable to experience any pleasure?

Blueyed228

I agree with PP about therapy.

Sorry you are going through this.

AveryMcIlhenny

Thanks, everyone.  He does get through the day.  He's very responsible, so he goes to work every morning and he's a good provider.  I'm very proud of him for that.

Our sex life is basically non-existent - we haven't had sex in over two weeks and have averaged maybe once a week over the last year.  

He is able to have fun with his friends, so I'm happy when we go out to dinner, etc.  But when it's just us, he's pretty much "off" or shut down about 90% of the time.  

jasmineh7777

I'm sorry Avery.
I would suggest getting your thoughts down on paper. It can be cathartic and sometimes it can help you organize/prepare for the actual conversation.

Please don"t hesitate to come here if you need to talk.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:0d81db22-f7e1-41d6-8532-5de48d49ca35">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]He seems to think that the only thing standing between him and happiness is self-employment.   But realistically, even if/when that happens, life is tough!  There are going to be ups and downs.  If this is his reaction to the downs, we're in serious trouble. 
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]

He obviously has no idea what starting ones own business involves if he thinks he's going to miraculously become happy by having his own business.  Unless he has come up with some great new patented idea or superior way of doing something that no one else has thought of yet, whatever business he wants to start is probably going to involve doing or selling something that someone else also does or sells but he believes he can do it better.  That being the case, he may very well be able to do or sell that thing better than the next guy, but for the first few years it is going to be a bitch; you have all kinds of bs paperwork to deal with, taxes, accounting, so on and so forth. 

The thing that makes owning your own business nice is you're not working hard for someone else to get paid, you're working hard for you to get paid, but you're still working your ass off and dealing with bs other than what your business is actually about, and that is the not fun part.

So, basically I'm saying I agree with you that there are definitely ups and downs and your concern that this is how he handles the downs is very valid; owning a business will definitely have some down days/weeks/months.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:2f01448d-05e5-472a-b140-413ebe6d45f6">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]He is able to have fun with his friends, so I'm happy when we go out to dinner, etc.  But when it's just us, he's pretty much "off" or shut down about 90% of the time.  
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]

You said earlier that his family accepts/ignores the situation.  So does he only snap out of this when out with his buddies but behaves the same around family that he does around you?   Every guy is different but something has to push him to become open to speaking to his doctor about it, or a therapist.  Probably easier to get him to the doctor first since that doesn't seem as un-manly as going to counseling, and then the doc (hopefully a guy in this case) can say man to man, look, you need to do this, you have an issue that has to be dealt with and here's what it needs to start with.

Does he have a best friend who you're also friends with?  Could you ask that person if he has any ideas on what to do without risk of it getting back to your H in a way that looks like you tried to go behind his back to his friend?  I mean basically that's what you would be doing so it would only be worth the risk if you thought the friend would be on your side and try to help get your H the help he needs.

thesuninherhead

I like VG's suggestions here (and replied with my own on your other post on E). 

BecW2be

This sounds so much like my ex it scares me. In 16 years I FINALLY learned that nothing will ever make him happy. Jobs, houses, cars, boats, horses, clothes, tickets to whatever event... NOTHING makes him happy because he refuses to get counseling and handle his underlying depression issues. Devoting your life and your youth to this man will not help him. Please trust me on this. You'll end up depressed yourself trying to make his life worth something to him, while yours ends up being nothing for you.

Get him in counseling immediately or leave. That's my advice. PLEASE don't waste your life away trying to help someone who may not ever be helped. Please.

calindi

May I also suggest that YOU get counseling?  You aren't the one with the depression issue, but it will help you sort out your feelings, figure out where you need to draw the line for yourself, and give you support through this difficult situation.  They always say that if your spouse won't go to counseling with you, you should go by yourself.  And perhaps if he realizes that you are going to counseling because you're THAT stressed with the state of your relationship, he'll feel pressed to do something.

I disagree with having friends talk to him.  The more pressure he feels, the more alienated he will become.  Sadly, this is something he has to embrace on his own.  You can provide the tools and the support, but unless he's willing to get help it'll never get better.  Do what you can for yourself, and hopefully the counseling will help you set a line that you can live by.

SarahPLiz

I would like to second all the wonderful advice you got so far, and just add that I love Tabasco as well. 

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:600ed7b6-2cc8-4f58-9e0b-96c849ec9bae">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]This sounds so much like my ex it scares me. In 16 years I FINALLY learned that nothing will ever make him happy. Jobs, houses, cars, boats, horses, clothes, tickets to whatever event... NOTHING makes him happy because he refuses to get counseling and handle his underlying depression issues. Devoting your life and your youth to this man will not help him. Please trust me on this. You'll end up depressed yourself trying to make his life worth something to him, while yours ends up being nothing for you. Get him in counseling immediately or leave. That's my advice. PLEASE don't waste your life away trying to help someone who may not ever be helped. Please.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this was my ex also. And he's still not happy. It was always if I have this I'll be happy, then after he got it, it would turn into something else.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this Avery. If he wont get help I suggest you get help for yourself to help you deal with this, maybe a professional can help you make the decision as to when you have to leave for you. Sometimes you have to choose you.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:e932f75c-1b95-4334-a1e2-254c190930f7">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to second all the wonderful advice you got so far, and just add that I love Tabasco as well. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I didn't see anything about hot sauce, but that's a thread I could get into! lol

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:73628ea2-2c9f-4bb8-92c8-a1aba284ef33">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: Relationship Help : I didn't see anything about hot sauce, but that's a thread I could get into! lol
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

<div>Tabasco is made by the McIllhenny family on Avery Island. </div>

LesPaul

Agree w/ Bec and kd - my ex was like this.  He ignored the very obvious symptoms of depression and would just shut down.  He routinely called in sick 1 day a week with some lame excuse why he just couldn't get out of bed.  His own physician, whom he held in very high regard, recommended therapy but he wouldn't go.  I finally told him that I wasn't handling his depression any better than he was, which really surprised him and made him think - but he didn't do anything about it.  I'm so thankful I got out of that relationship, because I would still be in the same situation with the same miserable person today and would have wasted even more years than I already had.

AveryMcIlhenny

Thank you so much for your advice.  I'm going to really try and get him to go to counseling with me.  If he's not willing to do that, then I guess I have to separate from him.  Maybe that would "wake him up."

Those of you who've dealt with this are echoing my greatest fear:  that he never gets better, that this is how he chooses to live his life, and that I'm wasting my youth on him.  I'm in my 30s, and I do want a family - so I can't wait around for years to see if he improves.  

Thank you for understanding.  I would never have imagined that someone else's depression could make my own quality of life so dismal.  But it's just so lonely to live with someone who's shut down 90% of the time.  

Oh, and yes, I do love Tabasco