XP: Relationship Help

kd.joseph

I'm so sorry Avery..really. I can empathize.

My ex was on a downward spiral that would lead to my own depression. And of course then it was my fault because I didn't want to get off the couch. I dated a man before I met DH who I recognized as being depressed. I spent a weekend with him, and all he did was sleep, and was so negative. I decided the moment I had to choose, that I couldn't deal with that and I couldn't help him.
So I chose DH.

If you need to talk PM me. You're not alone, promise.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:07c8e0c6-0942-4078-873e-a717ffacc5eb">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks.  I've told him several times over the last 6 months that I can't live like this.  I gave up so much - family, friends, a fulfilling job - to move to his hometown.  And it would be worth it if I didn't live with such a miserable person.<strong> I don't think he actually believes that I'd leave.</strong>  And I don't want to.  I love him and want this to work.  But it's just so hard and I feel so alone.
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]

My dad didn't think my mom would actually leave, either. And then she did.

I thikn YOU need to start going to counseling on your own and talk about this with a professional. They can also help you get help for him. Because at some point, he'll have to decide if he wants to get help or if he wants to be alone.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:09caf587-0b3c-49a6-bfc2-8b5e239bb654">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: Relationship Help : Tabasco is made by the McIllhenny family on Avery Island. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Ah, I actually knew that, you're much more perceptive than me lol.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:771b7031-1f10-4ceb-9bde-aeaeef900f2d">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you so much for your advice.  I'm going to really try and get him to go to counseling with me.  If he's not willing to do that, then I guess I have to separate from him.  Maybe that would "wake him up." Those of you who've dealt with this are echoing my greatest fear:  that he never gets better, that this is how he chooses to live his life, and that I'm wasting my youth on him.  I'm in my 30s, and I do want a family - so I can't wait around for years to see if he improves.   Thank you for understanding.  I would never have imagined that someone else's depression could make my own quality of life so dismal.  But it's just so lonely to live with someone who's shut down 90% of the time.   Oh, and yes, I do love Tabasco ;)
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]

A family member of mine got really good help from divorcebusting.com; they have a forum there specifically for people trying to save their marriages, you might find some useful advice from others going through the same things, and they have professional counseling services available too.

Meg1979

As someone who suffers from depression, but is diligent in treatment and medication, I would really encourage you to try to get him into some type of counselling.  Even if it's the two of you.  I don't know why it seems like men are so much more reticient to seek out counselling, but it seems to be the case in a lot of ways.  Maybe if you both seek help together he would be more willing to face his illness.

Also, not to be harsh, but you were presumably with this person for awhile before marriage?  I mean, I know you were in an LD with him and everything, but there should have been warning signs of depression before you agreed to marry him.  I don't think you should necessarily fritter away your youth or whatever, but this is an illness.  I don't think it's right to abandon someone without doing everything possible first to help them.  If he refuses, tell him you are leaving until he gets help.  Whatever you can to get through to him, but don't file for divorce.  Give him a chance.

Meg1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_xp-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1adfc099-690b-4649-95f6-867ac780235dPost:956cc6ae-17ef-43fb-9cf0-5c9d7e18835e">Re: XP: Relationship Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Meg -<strong> Thank you for your response.  Believe me, I do not want to walk out on my husband.  I took my vows very seriously, and I would feel like a complete failure if I left him.  All I want is for us to be happy together and to have a family. About seeing the signs beforehand:  I knew that he was sometimes "down" when he was at home, but when he came to visit it was always great.  We had fun together and were excited to start our life together.  I though he was down because he missed me.</strong>  Plus, I had no idea that he was depressed all the time since I wasn't there. It wasn't until we got back from the honeymoon and actually lived together that I saw that his being "down" was almost constant.  I honestly never expected this.  Now I know that when he was visiting me he was "escaping his reality" and that's why he seemed fine. I love him, and I want to be with him forever.  But I just can't spend my life like this.  It's truly heart wrenching for me to see the future I hoped for when we got married slip away.
Posted by AveryMcIlhenny[/QUOTE]

Okay, you seem totally on board with trying to help him out.  It's frustrating because the person who is dealing with the depression really has to be the one to want it.  You can just encourage him to have a safe place to talk.  Medication is not always the answer, but it might be for your H.  It could open new whole new avenues of experience for him.  Good luck.  It is so hard to be on the other side, looking in, on someone's depression. 

There are also some great books out there to help people in relationships with depressed people.  <u>How You Can Survive While They are Depressed</u> is a good start.  I can't remember the author name, sorry. 

AveryMcIlhenny

Thanks, Meg.  I will definitely look for that book.  

Also, do you have any advice for dealing with his criticism?  He's very critical of me.  Almost like he's lashing out sometimes:  he's angry, so he takes it out on me, the closest person to him.

He'll make rude comments about my body, saying that I'm not in good shape and practically that I've let myself go.  (I weighed about 107 when we got married, and weigh around 112-115 now.  Yes, I could work out more, but honestly, I'm depressed now too...)  

He's even alluded to my body being the reason why he doesn't want to have sex very often.  Or he'll point it out when I have a pimple, for example.

I know that he just feels ugly inside and so he lets it out on me.  So I really try not to get upset and let it bother me.  But it really hurts.  He also never tells me that I look pretty or gives me affection.  Modesty aside, I am an attractive woman, so it hurts that my husband doesn't even notice or appreciate that.  

Hugs and kisses are very rare and they're almost also instigated by me.  How do I continue to support him when sometimes he's downright mean to me?

SarahPLiz

I think that even if he is reticent to talk to someone, YOU should see a professional counselor. And yes, I told my very best friend the same thing just months ago. Her H gets in similar funks, and she was tired of dealing with it. Their situation is exacerbated by the fact that he works offshore 7 and 7, so by the time they make some progress, he leaves for work for a week (or more).

desertsun

I know depression is different for everyone, but for me, I had to hit rock bottom before I got help.

If he feels like he has you for a safety net, he may never get to that point.

It may be the best thing you could do for him to leave him.

I don't say this b/c I think that's the ONLY answer or that that is what you need to do RIGHT NOW. Just trying to help you see that you might need to be a little cruel to be kind, and that's okay.

I'm sorry you're going through this!