I have a bit of a problem (LONG)

LessThanZero

So originally, I had 9 Bridesamids but now apparently 8. The numbers don't bother me, but the situation does.

I have been very good friends with this girl "J" for about 7 years. I asked her to be in my wedding and she accepted. She has always been a very "troubled" person in the sense that there's always something for her to complain about but I am a very laid back person in that sense, and it really didn't matter to me as far as wedding plans were concerned.

When emails went out to all of the bridesmaids about planning a get-together, she never bothered to respond. I brushed it off and told her the details. Sure, it bothered me in a sense, but I didn't let it get to me. She even told me that she got the email but had so much going on, that she forgot to respond. Fine.

Weeks go by and she's still finding time to text or call me to vent about her dating or job situation and I talk or text back with the best advice, or listen the best that I can to try to help her out.

Now I know that my wedding isn't as important to everyone else as it is to me. I always simply ask my BMs if they want to go with me for certain things (not even because they're my BMs but because they're my friends). I don't even bring up wedding plans unless they ask. My biggest issue is that, she didn't even contact me to talk about anything regarding me, not even a "how are you doing?" or "how have things been?" It was constantly her contacting me to complain about the latest "terrible" thing that had happened to her.

One day I just blew up. I basically told her that outside of wedding planning, she seems to have no interest in wondering what's going on in my life. She responded by saying that she's "got alot of shiit going on and blah blah" (as if no one else does?). But my issue is that she has no problem finding time out of her very busy, shiity day to vent to me about how bad everything is. I get this, I have bad days all the time. Maybe it's just me, but I always ask my friends how things are going with them.

Well that didn't go over very well with her. She promptly and IMO, very immaturely, told me she won't "bother me with her problems anymore", even though that's not at all what I was saying. I don't think I'm wrong to ask for someone to return the favor every now and then and ask how I'm doing. Or to respond to a wedding related email (that goes straight to your blackberry) about BMs getting together when you accepted the role of being a BM. Sure, maybe you can't make it to an event, but at least say so when people are throwing around ideas so they can figure out what's going on.

After the exchange I had with her she deleted me from FB and never responded to any text messages I sent her. So I guess I'm short one BM.

I guess I'm asking for validation on some level. Generally I just let people do what they want and I don't care. There are just some things where I ask for a little bit of consideration and reciprocation. Is that so wrong? I've been thinking about contacting her to apologize because I certainly could have handled the situation better. But I'm not perfect, and I let things go until my frustrations came out. But I still don't think what she diid is ok. I always end up feeling like I'm in the wrong even when I'm not and it kills me. There's a part of me that thinks I owe her no apology and there's another part that does.

What do you think? Ask questions. I can't fit everything into a few paragraphs.

tidetravel

If she's always been this way, which you indicate that she has been, then its understandable that she's not going to change just because you're getting married.  Moreso, behavior as you described is often highlighted when weddings are involved, because you have something that is important to you, and the friend continues to be too wrapped up in her own drama to care.   

She sounds like she's always been a crappy friend, and perhaps now you're just realizing it.  The fact that she won't return your calls and deleted you from FB is immature and childish, and personally, I don't think I'd want that type of drama in my life. 

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bit-of-problem-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:27fe84bb-75b7-49d2-aa1d-030f9ff2cb25Post:6efbe2ff-b9d3-402a-9368-1f39ccc54136">Re: I have a bit of a problem (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]If she's always been this way, which you indicate that she has been, then its understandable that she's not going to change just because you're getting married.  Moreso, behavior as you described is often highlighted when weddings are involved, because you have something that is important to you, and the friend continues to be too wrapped up in her own drama to care.    <strong>She sounds like she's always been a crappy friend, and perhaps now you're just realizing it.  The fact that she won't return your calls and deleted you from FB is immature and childish, and personally, I don't think I'd want that type of drama in my life. </strong>
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Thank Tide. I think you're right. It's just hard to let go of a relationship that's gone on for so long I guess. I can't act like she's never been a good friend, but it's easily been a couple of years since she has. I completely understand when people go through things because I do all the time, but I always try to be there for people I care about, and in recent times she really hasn't been.

For me, it wasn't so much that she say "OMFG I'm so exited about your wedding and I need to be involved in everything". But her biggest excuse for not being able to deal with anything was that she was so busy and dealing with a lot. But her being busy never seemed to interfere with her contacting me to rant about what was going on, you know? That's what bothers me the most. I took time out of sleeping, cooking  or work to listen to her and I guess I expected she would dos ome of the same once in a while. I didn't ask her to be in my WP so she could help me with planning I just wanted to ask my friends to be there for me. And I guess she couldn't do that.

It just sucks.

murphb

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like anytime I would like some support from my friends they start telling me about their problems and I end up having to put everything about me aside to be there for them no matter how much I'm hurting. This even happened to me when I told my friend that my parents are probably going to be splitting up. So let me be one to validate your feelings. You have the right to need your friends to support you sometimes, especially when you put time and effort into being there for them. That's part of why they are your friends. Even when they are having a bad day they should not let that take away from the happiness of your wedding. I hope you never have to have your feelings marginalized again.

JenGin74

Tim has a friend like this and it drives me nuts. The only time he ever calls is if something is wrong or he needs something.

Whenever he breaks up with his live-in GF, which happens every few months, Tim get a long phone call, we've bailed him out of jail twice and we've even picked him up on the side of the highway at 5AM because he got pulled over while driving with a suspended licence.

After the second time we bailed him out of jail, I said to Tim "Have you noticed that J never calls just to say hi or to see how you're doing?". You could kind of see the lighbulb going on over his head.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bit-of-problem-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:27fe84bb-75b7-49d2-aa1d-030f9ff2cb25Post:d14f4458-81ac-482e-b25f-2d91680e8793">Re: I have a bit of a problem (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]While your wedding is the most important thing to you, it is not to everyone else. It is just the way it is, so you should accept it.
Posted by allisong23[/QUOTE]

Knot canned answer alert! Way to read there, buddy.

Zero, like everyone else said, I don't think you're in the wrong here. We all have had friendships that start out great and become toxic, and sometimes the hardest thing to do is to confront the bad things in a friendship. You did the right thing bringing up your concerns to this girl, and if this is how she is going to respond, then she wasn't really a friend anyway.

cayres5

I agree with tidetravel.  It sucks when you have been friends with someone for so long but sometimes you need to re-evaluate your friendships.  If you have always been there for that person and she is never there for you, then you probably should end the friendship and just cut your losses. 

[Deleted User]

This was/is my problem with my best friend. She was surprisingly great during the wedding, but ever since, and even before, she's been just like that. She calls to complain and bitch about how crappy her life is, but never once will she ask about me. Last time we spoke she did ask about my little brother, but not about me or H. Whatever, it's how she is and I've decided to accept her for what she is.

With your friend, I totally understand why you're upset and feel like she's a crappy friend. And when you finally spoke up about it, she reacted immaturely. What were you supposed to do, put up with her treating you like a second-rate friend just because of her precious feelings? No. She seems to have deleted herself out of your life and I say good riddance.

mocha beans

I've had friends like that Zero, it blows when you realize that it's definitely not a 50-50 friendship.  Sounds like what I went through with my high school friends.  I listened to them all the time when they needed to talk about boyfriend issues and what not.  Listened for hours at a time, about the same issues over and over and over again.  I was the token perpetually single one in the group.  Well, I finally hooked up with someone, DH actually.  Suddenly, I had things that I needed to talk about, but it was still all about them.  I got tired of it, and just drifted away, spending my time with DH and his friends.

It sucked for awhile, for sure, they were long term friendships, but it was a better decision in the end.  They weren't healthy friendships, I wasn't really getting what I needed, and I wasn't likely to start getting that at any point.  Your situation sounds similar.  You take it and take it, until you realize that you are all giving and never getting.

I'm sorry :-(

katiewhompus

I'm going to ask some questions to play Devil's Advocate (and then am probably going shopping but will come back later).

Do you call her when you need to vent? I just ask because when I was going through the house crap I would regularly call friends to vent about the situation because I felt like I was losing my mind. After getting it all out I would ask how they were, got the generic "oh fine" and then we would hang up. If you aren't actively calling her to vent she may think your life (and planning) is rainbows and roses and not see why you are so upset with her venting to her bff.

Also remember that stupid, insignificant things that take no time to you might be huge to her. When we were house hunting I spent pretty much every waking minute devoted to finding a house, and my friends didn't understand why I couldn't come hang out with them for a few hours. They didn't understand the full extent or why we wanted a house asap. A few months later one called me because she was getting a dog and it was consuming her life, and now she understood how I never had time for coffee.

That being said, I'm sorry she's being sucky and that she's being all 15 year old brat about being your friend.

MeaghanandMichael

I was in this exact situation with a bm and I never did what you did (confront her). I let everything go until after the wedding. And, this was even worse because she actually owed my mom money for the bm dress. My mom covered for her when she got laid off and said my friend could pay her back whenever she got the money. Three months after the wedding there was still not even 20 dollars from the girl and my mom wrote her a letter asking for it. She denied she owed my mom the whole thing and claimed she had paid for half already.

Then, when I confronted her the exact same thing happened to me that happened to you. She went nuts and tried to turn it on me. Moral of the story? I wish I had confronted her before the wedding. I would have been sad for a bit, but in the end I really could have done without her at the wedding and in my life, period.