Question

MarriedInAFever

Could you, in good conscience, involve a non-supportive mother in the unity portion of a wedding ceremony? My FMIL is being increasingly difficult. I'm extremely frustrated and this is kind of weighing on me. Thoughts? Anyone else have a difficult MIL? How did you get through the planning process without putting her in a home?

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_question-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:2b794df3-2139-44b9-9762-68e4f6c3ecd4Post:dfdccce5-9dd9-4068-aa3e-c76e513e35ec">Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Could you, in good conscience, involve a non-supportive mother in the unity portion of a wedding ceremony? My FMIL is being increasingly difficult. I'm extremely frustrated and this is kind of weighing on me. Thoughts? Anyone else have a difficult MIL? How did you get through the planning process without putting her in a home?
<p>Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Non-supportive and difficult are two different things. My mother was 'difficult' during portions of our wedding planning as she wanted more involvement than I gave her. Despite that, she was supportive of us getting married, even if she didn't agree with our choices for the wedding itself. </p><p> </p><p>We need more info, in other words!</p>

MarriedInAFever

I think she's both difficult and not supportive.

In an attempt to not turn this into a complete MIL bitchfest, I'll give some bare bones info. She's a bit of a difficult person. Very negative, especially towards me. Despite trying to involve her in the planning process, she showed no interest in being involved. At all. She's only made snide remarks about how silly the wedding is and how foolish it is to spend the money on it. She's just showing up, which is ok.

Although my FI's very brief marriage ended 100 years ago, she's continued to incorporate his ex in our lives as much as possible. She's remained good friends with her. Of course, this has always strained mine and FI's relationship with his mother. There have been months that have passed without the two of them speaking, which I find to be very selfish on her part.

We're one week away and now she's begun trashing my family to FI and reminding him that he's been married before and maybe he should think this through a little more. We've been together over four years and have a wonderful relationship. I also get along great with all other members of his family and he gets along great with mine.

neelynicole

With that kind of behavior, there's no way I'd involve her in any part of the ceremony. She should feel privelidged to even be invited with an attitude like that.

MarriedInAFever

I'm trying to be open and involve her as much as she'd like to be involved. And I would like her to participate in the unity portion. But she doesn't seem to have much interest in uniting.

I'm going to sleep on this I believe.

sucrets4

You don't NEED a unity portion of the ceremony.  Scrap it and you won't have to stress about it.

btw, she sucks.  Sorry you have to deal with her!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_question-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:2b794df3-2139-44b9-9762-68e4f6c3ecd4Post:5cf3c980-dada-4c8e-8c0a-f66f12ba403b">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You don't NEED a unity portion of the ceremony.</strong>  Scrap it and you won't have to stress about it. btw, she sucks.  Sorry you have to deal with her!
<p>Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]</p><p>x 2</p>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_question-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:2b794df3-2139-44b9-9762-68e4f6c3ecd4Post:5cf3c980-dada-4c8e-8c0a-f66f12ba403b">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't NEED a unity portion of the ceremony.  Scrap it and you won't have to stress about it. btw, she sucks.  Sorry you have to deal with her!
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm thinking too. I think having it and intentionally leaving her out of it would just make things a million times worse. Sure, she sounds like a total asshole, but with one week to go, do you really want to do something that drastic?

I was uncomfortable having a father daughter dance, so we scrapped all of the dances all together. I'm so glad we did. Some things just aren't worth the hassle and BS.

maratea

I agree with Sucrets. My MIL was similar to your MIL. At one point during our engagement, she told FI "I can't believe you are going to marry that woman. She's not good enough for you." That's when I stopped involving her in any wedding stuff. If she brought it up, I'd just say something like "Oh, it's going well and I have everything pretty much done." I put her "in charge" of favors so she'd leave me the F alone and feel like she was doing something.

H didn't even do a mother/son dance because he was so fed up with her, even though I did a father/daughter dance. Oops.

jasmineh7777

I'm sorry she's such a wench MILF.
We didn't involve MIL is anything. It was H's choice, and she was offended. I would have cared, but she's a terrible person. That being said, we have no relationship with her at this point.

MarriedInAFever

Thanks a lot ladies. I think I'll skip the unity ceremony. Which is a bummer because I dig it and I have a beautiful vase for it! Oh well. I've been toying with the idea of somehow not including her or something, and it just sounds drama inducing. I'm really relieved you all suggested just cutting it out, that's exactly what I will do. You guys are the best.

Mara, I'm sorry your in laws also suck. I really, really want to have a beer with you and bond about our shitty relationship. FI isn't doing a dance with his mom, although I'm dancing with my dad. Oh well!

Jas, I felt guilty even bringing this up knowing a little bit about your struggles with your MIL. I know things could be much worse.

jasmineh7777

Don't feel guilty!  Your MIL sounds none too easy to deal with. Want to egg her house?

MarriedInAFever

You're so sweet, Jas! I was actually thinking more of mailing poop to her house. I really considered it last night when I was half drunk/half asleep thinking about it. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind.

I was really angry last night. Now I'm just disappointed in her and kinda bummed that we don't have a better relationship.

maratea

Yeah, for the longest time I was mad at MIL, because I didn't do anything to warrant her hating me. But now I just feel bad for her because she always seems to be so negative and a downer.

Here's a plus, MIAF, my MIL got better after we were married. She came around about 3 months after the wedding. We still don't have a great relationship, but at least she doesn't outwardly act like a bitch to me anymore.

I really hope for you that things get better. H and I had considered cutting ourselves off from his mom and sfather because they weren't really family to us. But we decided not to, and things are ok. Not great, but tolerable.

jasmineh7777

I just can't fathom disregarding your kid's feelings like that. Honestly, she needs to stfu.

leayn

Ew!  I would not involve her at all.  Does your FI have children with his ex?  If not, your MIL should have some respect for her son's new relationship and ween herself away from the ex.  I agree with everyone else though - skip it or maybe do something different, like have only the fathers or only you and your FI take part in some sort of unity thingy.

MarriedInAFever

That's encouraging, Mara! I'm glad yours has gotten better. I completely understand what you mean about feeling bad she's just so negative. It really amazes me sometimes how negative she can be, constantly. That must be terribly exhausting.

We talked about cutting her off. And we have before. I'm kind of the type of person to say, "Poof. You're dead to me" and move on. If FI was cool with that, she would really just be dead to me.

I would like a relationship with her. But I don't need one. His step-mom is great. I have a great relationship with my mom. I can do without.

MarriedInAFever

Jas, I know. It amazes me. I think it's so selfish and disrespectful.

Leayn, no. Not even close. When he was 19, he joined the army and proposed to his girlfriend he had been dating for six months. They separated after a year, divorced after two. Simple case of it just not working out. He's 29 now and hasn't spoken with her in years because there's really no need. But his mom keeps her involved. It's really shitty.

[Deleted User]

Wow, she sucks. I definitely agree with skipping the unity ceremony altogether (I don't even know what it is, but if it involves her then I say don't do it). I can't imagine what I'd do if H's mother was like that.

And being friends with the ex is ridiculous, unless they have kids together. If it makes your FI uncomfortable then she should consider his feelings, not her own. My family gets along great despite the divorce and you'll frequently find my mom and stepdad hanging out with my dad's parents, sister, brother, etc. But if it weren't for my brother and I, you'd probably never see them together.

jasmineh7777

Why the hell would she keep his ex involved? That is totally a slap in the face to both of you. I'd be vindictive and strike up a friendship with someone she really, really dislikes.

MarriedInAFever

Sure, Se. I understand that. But I can't tell you how many times FI has explicitly asked her to cool it because it's straining our relationship with her. Maybe she blames me for trying to sever their relationship. I swear I'm really an agreeable person and have tried to take the high road for the past four years. But, COME ON.

Jas, I completely agree. I thought about how funny it would be if I kept one of her exes in our lives or made friends with her sister. But I would never actually do that. Because I'm not a heifer.

aprovencher21

I have a non-supportive BSC FMIL.  We're still having her light one of the unity candles (that we'll in turn use to light the unity candle) because it would be noticed if we didn't and I know that would embarrass FI.  His family is a barrel full of crazy but no need to make that known to all of our guests.  I'm also hoping maybe one day she'll get her life together and I want her to remember we included her in everything we could. 

ETA: I like not using a unity ceremony.  Or is there a way to delete parental involvement in the ceremony? For us we could have someone light the smaller candles prior to the start of the ceremony and then no one but us is involved in the lighting of the UNity candle.  I don't know what goes into a unity ceremony with a vase, details?

MarriedInAFever

Aprov, I think that's cool that you're still involving her. I really want to involve her. But at the same time, I really believe in the symbolism of the ritual and I'm not sure I want her involved if she's not interesting in uniting our families. YKWIM?

jasmineh7777

Can I be honest? I don't think your family and his family really have to have a relationship after the ceremony. When will they really interact?

 My family has interacted with H's family twice in four years. Not because they don't get along, but because there aren't really events where they are together.

If you really want to do the unity ceremony, then I'd say go for it. But the commitment you are making is to become a family of you and him, not necessarily becoming one giant family. Perhaps if you look at it in that way, it won't feel as forced to have her participate?

K Byte

We skipped the unity candle at our ceremony as well precisely because of this. I wouldn't say my MIL is as nutty as your FMIL, but she was just being REALLY difficult and weird and so I said f it. No one noticed we didn't do a unity candle and our pastor didn't even ask about it. And it made our ceremony shorter, and we didn't have to go out and buy some tchotchke that we'd never use again but would be afraid to throw away because OMG, IT WAS FROM OUR WEDDING!!!1

MarriedInAFever

Aprov, we thought about doing a candle lighting with all the guests! With the vase, each mom has a rose and puts the rose in the vase. It's kinda silly and not that big of a deal, but I still don't know if I want her involved at all.

Jas, I appreciate honesty! You're right. It's just that my family is very close knit and FI's dad's side of the family is as well. And they've all known each other forever. FI's uncle was best friends with my parents in high school and served as the best man in their wedding. We all like to support each other and stay in touch at least. But I understand if she doesn't want to.

I'm going to have an open conversation with FI, and possibly FMIL, about this today. He/they need to hear my concerns so we can come up with a solution. I lost a lot of sleep over this and I just want to focus on getting married next week.

I really needed to vent about this, guys. I love being able to depend on your honest and supportive opinions. I really appreciate it.

ETA: K Byte, that's helpful. I think we'll probably just skip it as well.

jasmineh7777

Ohhh your families are friends. I didn't even know that was a possibility! :P

Your H is going to support you no matter what you guys decide. And holy crap, you're getting married in a week!  A WEEK!

maratea

I forgot to mention - we didn't do a unity candle and no one mentioned anything about it afterward. We wanted our ceremony to be as short as possible. We didn't do anything extra- unity candle, sand, etc.

MarriedInAFever

Yeah! It's weird and a complete coincidence. I met him when we worked together and later put the pieces together.

One week! Eek!

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_question-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:2b794df3-2139-44b9-9762-68e4f6c3ecd4Post:d51065d3-f885-45bb-9fef-84ed59bf5349">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Aprov, I think that's cool that you're still involving her. I really want to involve her. But at the same time, I really believe in the symbolism of the ritual and I'm not sure I want her involved if she's not interesting in uniting our families. YKWIM?
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

I totally understand.  FI somewhat wants his mom involved so I'll suck it up for him.  Otherwise ugh.  She cried when we got engaged.....and not happy tears.

[Deleted User]

Good luck on your talk today. Hopefully you can come to some sort of conclusion. My family and H's are pretty much strangers since they live so far away, but I do wish they could be closer. Everyone loves H's dad, but he's several states away.

I think your FI's mom should definitely cool it on the relationship with the x. She needs to respect your feelings. Reading all these stories on TK has really made me appreciate my MIL. I thought BSC MILs were mostly only on TV and movies before these boards.