What are your thoughts?

rebeccafw

Hi Knotties!

I've been happily married for a month now..we just came back from our wonderful honeymoon. In less than two weeks, it will be my Maid of Honour's wedding...for which I am a Bridesmaid in.

For a few months now we have not had a very good relationship. For my wedding, she didn't want to do anything that I asked. She wanted to find her own dress, she didn't like the shoes, so she bought her own. She didn't want to get her hair done with the rest of the bridal party. She also didn't want to say a speech. I realize that our wedding were very close together..however, We booked our wedding date first and we booked it 18 months in advance. My Maid of Honour has only been engaged since December. When we were planning our weddings...which are two very different weddings (mine had a lot of people and I took the time to complete a lot of DIY wedding projects, her wedding is smaller and she said that she's not into details...she actually said I went overboard with all the details - and everyone loved all the details)...she stopped sharing all her details with me. When I confronted her with maybe not wanting to be in my wedding...its not as if she responded "But I want to.."..she said "No..I can't leave you without a MOH."...She made it sound as if I had no other choice...when I did. I have other friends.

She completely changed when she began to plan her wedding.

I've attempted to contact her and ask her about her wedding and she hasn't responded. I want to ask her  about the dresses she chose for us...because they are actually see-through.

Also at this point, I don't feel right being in her wedding. I feel as if we are not friends.  I don't even know the other people in the wedding party and I seriously do not know any details of her wedding.

She made me go through hell with her, when it came to my wedding and now she's not involving me in hers...even though she asked me to be in it.  I don't want to cause her any further stress...but everyone involved in your special day should mean something to you.

Whats the best way to handle this?

526SadieSadie

I don't understand why you're trying to contact her about anything.  She has said she isn't into details.  If she asks you for help, be there for your friend, otherwise, let it be. 
Stress effects everyone differently, maybe she's withdrawing because she wishes she could have a bigger wedding like yours was but she can't afford it, maybe she's having doubts about marrying her FI, maybe she's preggers - if she isn't letting you in, you can't judge.
Give her lots of space and let her come to you.  The see-thru dress sounds dreadful, but ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

redheadfsu

If you want to step down, step down.

But, I would advise working on the relationship. Sounds like she isn't into weddings (yours or hers). Try to talk to her about something other than the weddings. Have a fun girls night & be silly. Reconnect as friends and not about the wedding.

[Deleted User]

If you don't want to be friends anymore, just drop out. You don't even sound like you like her all that much, so there's no need to be in her wedding.

When she got engaged, when you booked your wedding, that has no bearing on the situation at all. Her not wanting to do a speech doesn't matter, some people hate public speaking. You say she changed, well you bascially made it sound like you didn't want her in your wedding. So I don't blame her for giving you the cold shoulder.

But considering her comments about your wedding, not giving you any details about her own when you actually need them (like the dress), she sounds like she isn't even a real friend. So why be in the wedding at all?

marriedfilingjointly

No one has to get their hair done or make a speech for your wedding. 

If her wedding is in less than two weeks and she hasn't had you order your dress yet, she's probably not going to.  Either she expects you to choose your own dress (she wanted to pick her own dress for your wedding, after all), or this is her passive-aggressive way of letting you know that you're not in the wedding anymore. 

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_thoughts-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:4ea38f6a-8608-489e-8d40-1741e981b2cdPost:97419828-fcae-4128-923c-74bad2e338fc">Re: What are your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want to step down, step down. But, I would advise working on the relationship. Sounds like she isn't into weddings (yours or hers). Try to talk to her about something other than the weddings. Have a fun girls night & be silly. Reconnect as friends and not about the wedding.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
Yes this.

Honestly the way she acted about your wedding has nothing to do with your presence in her BP.  If it bothers you enough to end the friendship drop out of her wedding but I don't think it should be a deal-breaker for you.  It's obvious she really just does not care about weddings.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_thoughts-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:4ea38f6a-8608-489e-8d40-1741e981b2cdPost:0a088aae-166f-4d95-9200-af15c06d47e8">What are your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Knotties! I've been happily married for a month now..we just came back from our wonderful honeymoon. In less than two weeks, it will be my Maid of Honour's wedding...for which I am a Bridesmaid in. For a few months now we have not had a very good relationship. For my wedding, she didn't want to do anything that I asked. She wanted to find her own dress, she didn't like the shoes, so she bought her own. She didn't want to get her hair done with the rest of the bridal party. She also didn't want to say a speech. I realize that our wedding were very close together..however, We booked our wedding date first and we booked it 18 months in advance. My Maid of Honour has only been engaged since December. When we were planning our weddings...which are two very different weddings (mine had a lot of people and I took the time to complete a lot of DIY wedding projects, her wedding is smaller and she said that she's not into details...she actually said I went overboard with all the details - and everyone loved all the details)...she stopped sharing all her details with me. When I confronted her with maybe not wanting to be in my wedding...its not as if she responded "But I want to.."..she said "No..I can't leave you without a MOH."...She made it sound as if I had no other choice...when I did. I have other friends. She completely changed when she began to plan her wedding. I've attempted to contact her and ask her about her wedding and she hasn't responded. I want to ask her  about the dresses she chose for us...because they are actually see-through. Also at this point, I don't feel right being in her wedding. I feel as if we are not friends.  I don't even know the other people in the wedding party and I seriously do not know any details of her wedding. She made me go through hell with her, when it came to my wedding and now she's not involving me in hers...even though she asked me to be in it.  I don't want to cause her any further stress...but everyone involved in your special day should mean something to you. Whats the best way to handle this?
Posted by rebeccafw[/QUOTE]
Oh and JIC.

baystateapple

She was not obligated to do any of those things.  She is also not obligated to call you about every single tiny detail about her own wedding.  If you want to drop out, go ahead and do so.  It doesn't seem like you want this friendship to continue.

BUT, if  you are willing to work on it, give her tons of space and let her come to you. 

mcornelissen

I think there might be more to the story. Maybe take her for coffee or something casual. She might spill the beans on her behaviour.

Sloane99

Ditto PP on contacting her about something non-wedding related. I'm guessing she's on full wedding overload if this isn't even something she's interested in in the first place and you've been talking about yours for a while and now you're trying to talk about hers. It would be too much for me too.

jennylove810

So let me just clarify - she was kind of a crummy, less-than-enthused MOH for you, and now her wedding is in 2 weeks and not only have you never SEEN the dress you're supposed to wear, but she's not returning your phone calls?

Kinda sounds to me like you've been booted from her WP.

loop0406

I believe if she was considerate enough to say "No..I can't leave you without a MOH."....then you should do the same. There's no need to contact her, if she chose dress that isn't to your liking, deal with it unless you can literally see your nipples through it.

calindi

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you were overwhelming her with wedding stuff that she simply wasn't interested in.  How dare she want to wear shoes that were comfortable for her, how dare she want to do her own hair, how dare she not want to give a speech in front of all your guests.  I daresay if you were my friend and mad at me that I didn't want to do "as you asked", I'd be pretty annoyed with you, too.

She doesn't sound like she's the "pretty princess" type - not interested in all the details, just wanted to be there for you on your day.  And you know what?  I bet she wants you there for her day.  I just bet she doesn't want to feel judged for not having all the "details" that you are focused on.  Or have you compare your weddings.  Or talk to all her guests about your wedding just a few weeks ago, and how much better it was.

If you still want to salvage the friendship, I would suggest sending her an email AND a text saying, "I'm really looking forward to your wedding.  Is there a certain dress or color you want me to wear to be in the bridal party?  Or would you prefer if I just come as a guest?  Can't wait to see you as a blushing bride!"  If she doesn't get back to you, assume you're just a guest.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_thoughts-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:4ea38f6a-8608-489e-8d40-1741e981b2cdPost:c2b6f9f8-1953-45f5-a6fd-dd2f33c65c82">Re: What are your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I should have clarified the situation even further... I never demanded that she do all these things for my wedding in the first place. I gave her the choice of choosing her own dress and shoes and when it came to a few weeks before the wedding and she still had yet to choose anything, then I stepped in. I never asked her to say a speech...one day she had asked me "you don't want me to say a speech do you...because I would rather not." Up until that point I had never even mentioned speeches. I was not about to ask her to make one, when she clearly didn't want to. I'm not a fan of speeches anyway. What I was trying to convey was that she was uninterested in my wedding. And now, when hers is coming up she is uninterested about involving me. I'm not the demanding bride that everyone thinks I was. When it came to completing all the wedding details, I did it myself. I never asked for help. Nor was I constantly talking about my wedding with her. It was more the other way around. As for me having the right to know about the details of her wedding...I'm not asking for the complete 411. <strong><u>I would like to know who I am partnered up with and if we are getting our hair and makeup done</u></strong> and how the other girls solved the problem of the see-through dress....because you can see everything..incl. nipple if you don't wear a bra. Is that too much to ask? I was courteous enough to make sure that her dress and shoes for my wedding were her style, even though it wasn't my style. As for judging her, I completely understand that we are all individuals with different tastes and style. I loved and encouraged all her ideas about her wedding...because it was completely her style. She was the one that said all the negative remarks about my details, my wedding shower etc. But I kept on taking the "hits" and kept my mouth shut. If we had a solid friendship, I would be at her wedding day with the see-through dress and a smile, but we don't. Despite the fact that she seemed less than enthusiastic about my wedding....I'm willing to be there on her big day. But all her actions lead me to think that she feels obligated to have me in her wedding, because she was my MOH. I believe that people should do things because they want to...not because they feel obligated to. What ever happened to "Real" people?
Posted by rebeccafw[/QUOTE]

If you don't know this close to the wedding if you're on your own for hair and makeup, you probably are.  Why do you care who you're "paired up"with? If you are paired with a groomsman, WHY DO YOU CARE???
I think Jenny hit a bullseye.  If you haven't ordered your dress yet, she probably saved you the trouble of dropping out.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_thoughts-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:4ea38f6a-8608-489e-8d40-1741e981b2cdPost:c2b6f9f8-1953-45f5-a6fd-dd2f33c65c82">Re: What are your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I should have clarified the situation even further... I never demanded that she do all these things for my wedding in the first place. I gave her the choice of choosing her own dress and shoes and when it came to a few weeks before the wedding and she still had yet to choose anything, then I stepped in. I never asked her to say a speech...one day she had asked me "you don't want me to say a speech do you...because I would rather not." Up until that point I had never even mentioned speeches. I was not about to ask her to make one, when she clearly didn't want to. I'm not a fan of speeches anyway. What I was trying to convey was that she was uninterested in my wedding. And now, when hers is coming up she is uninterested about involving me. I'm not the demanding bride that everyone thinks I was. When it came to completing all the wedding details, I did it myself. I never asked for help. Nor was I constantly talking about my wedding with her. It was more the other way around. As for me having the right to know about the details of her wedding...I'm not asking for the complete 411. I would like to know who I am partnered up with and if we are getting our hair and makeup done and how the other girls solved the problem of the see-through dress....because you can see everything..incl. nipple if you don't wear a bra. Is that too much to ask? I was courteous enough to make sure that her dress and shoes for my wedding were her style, even though it wasn't my style. As for judging her, I completely understand that we are all individuals with different tastes and style. I loved and encouraged all her ideas about her wedding...because it was completely her style. She was the one that said all the negative remarks about my details, my wedding shower etc. But I kept on taking the "hits" and kept my mouth shut. If we had a solid friendship, I would be at her wedding day with the see-through dress and a smile, but we don't. Despite the fact that she seemed less than enthusiastic about my wedding....I'm willing to be there on her big day. But all her actions lead me to think that she feels obligated to have me in her wedding, because she was my MOH. <strong>I believe that people should do things because they want to...not because they feel obligated to. What ever happened to "Real" people?</strong>
Posted by rebeccafw[/QUOTE]

In other words you've already decided what to do and you're not going to stay in the wedding just because you have to.  Then why bother asking the question here at all?

SarahPLiz

Don't say anything else, just show up in the prescribed dress with hair and makeup done, sometime before the ceremony. She can't be mad at you for not doing anything else if she didn't communicate it to you. If she didn't ask you not to be in the WP, then assume that you still are and show up. That's what I'd do.

There are little chicken cutlet things that stick to your skin that you can use to solve the nipple issue. I hope there is not an issue with other nether regions. 

pirategal03

If she's really not into details, as you've indicated.  Then you may be asking questions she doesn't know the answers to.

I'm 5 weeks out, I can't tell my girls who they're standing with, or what the deal is with hair.  I can't even tell them what time to show up, because those are things I don't know yet.  I know you've said it's 2 weeks until the wedding, but if it's really a small affair without a lot of focus on details, she still may not know. 

Maybe you should ask what else you can help with.

As for the dress.  She probably doesn't realize it's that sheer.  Could you wear a full slip under it?