Strange question

arthomas82

If you were at a wedding and the bride's vows included "promise to obey", would you laugh hysterically? Cry? Scream? We met with our officiant and FI noticed that the bride's vows no longer include that part - for obvious reasons - but FI really wants me to add that to my vow.

Just to be clear: he doesnt mean obey as in "Can I go to the grocery store?" I listen to him when it comes to things such as not running alone at night, not eating only 500 calories to wear a dress, etc. So its actually been a good thing to have someone to set me straight...

But really...what would you think if you heard that at a ceremony?

Knittibell

If he said the same thing, I'd be cool with it. Otherwise I'd raise an eyebrow, but probably contain the laughter.

btrflykate1230

I would barf. I think it's cringe worthy.

Celles

I'd wonder if you wore a spiked leather collar behind closed doors. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_strange-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:633e3391-d740-4534-8778-8ec581bb2031Post:2751ef0f-98fd-43c0-9b53-41962cb794a8">Re: Strange question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd wonder if you wore a spiked leather collar behind closed doors. 
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
WIN!

arthomas82

Oh ya that's the other thing - its only my vow that would include the obey line. I think its supposed to be sort of funny though...not TOO clear on that.
I'm thinking along the lines of cringe-worthy too...

tidetravel

If you're not comfortable with it, then don't use it.

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_strange-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:633e3391-d740-4534-8778-8ec581bb2031Post:2b959c76-2c4e-4462-a979-d953a6cb8d1d">Strange question</a>:
[QUOTE]If you were at a wedding and the bride's vows included "promise to obey", would you laugh hysterically? Cry? Scream? We met with our officiant and FI noticed that the bride's vows no longer include that part - for obvious reasons - but FI really wants me to add that to my vow. Just to be clear: he doesnt mean obey as in "Can I go to the grocery store?" I listen to him when it comes to things such as not running alone at night, not eating only 500 calories to wear a dress, etc. So its actually been a good thing to have someone to set me straight... But really...what would you think if you heard that at a ceremony?
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]

I'd laugh, cringe and judge.  I admit I can be judgemental.  I don't "obey" my FI because he isn't my master.  If he suggests me not doing something for a rational reason I chose to listen and make a choice.  I just don't like the wording and it would make me very uncomfortable.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_strange-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:633e3391-d740-4534-8778-8ec581bb2031Post:f6aef1dc-47c6-4d35-87ab-2299d49761d4">Re: Strange question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Strange question : I'd laugh, cringe and judge.  I admit I can be judgemental. <strong> I don't "obey" my FI because he isn't my master.  </strong>If he suggests me not doing something for a rational reason I chose to listen and make a choice.  I just don't like the wording and it would make me very uncomfortable.
Posted by aprovencher21[/QUOTE]
STOP.  Cannot. handle. the. mental. images.  ::snort::

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_strange-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:633e3391-d740-4534-8778-8ec581bb2031Post:82a28f5d-6d1b-4390-ace4-f6c2fb44f080">Re: Strange question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Strange question : STOP.  Cannot. handle. the. mental. images.  ::snort::
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Hee Hee.....you know you like the images.  Plus when the word obey is used I either think little school girl outfit mode or master mode....whicheva.

sarahmk5

I'd cringe.

Koolkay83

I don't like the word "obey"....The best thing you should is write your own vows and tell your FI on how you really feel about it.

KatyRoseM

I would judge, I'm like that.  I also would question my Fi if he asked me to do so (at least seriously, he jokes about it).  But again thats just me.  If he wants you to listen when he gives good advice and is worried about you thats one thing, the vow implies more. 

[Deleted User]

I don't like it, but I don't really care if others use it. One of my best friends from high school had that in her vows, as did her DH, and she's very traditional so it suited her.

I joked that I was going to say it in my vows and then follow with his nickname, an entirely inappropriate name he's made me swear to never tell anyone (it has "master' in it), but he wouldn't let me. So I guess I obeyed him in that respect. 

When I was little and I acted up, my dad would yell, "You will OBEY me!" and I laughed every time. So did my mom. So that's what I think of when I hear that vow.

jasmineh7777

Catholic vows no longer include the "obey" part, and we're pretty much behind the times on everything.
I would cringe. I'd also probably give a side-eye when he didn't say it as well.

katiewhompus

To me "obey" means that you have no choice in the matter. Like Seshat, when I think "obey" I think of parents or authority figures saying "You will obey me" and me going "like hell I will".

You are an intelligent human being, and just because he is helping you meet goals (such as getting shape or not being dumb about fitting into clothes) does not mean you are obeying him, you are simply taking his input. I do things that Scott asks me to all the time IF I can agree with them and he asks nicely.

'Hey honey, can you grab me a soda" does not equal me obeying, just being helpful

If he were to every say I COULD NOT do something I would give him a serious side eye. I'm not a child who can't make her own decision, and that's what obey means to me.

vegasgroom

I wouldn't want that in my FI's vows, I just want her to obey me anyway! j/k  I think it sounds weird, but then I've seen vows that say things like 'till death seperates you' and that sounds pretty weird to me too but some people like it, so I can't fault them for having the vows say what they like, you two should be in agreement though, or compromise.

[Deleted User]

I would ask him why he was talking in pig latin.

Knittibell

If you're the only one saying it, then the dog collar would come to mind (LMAO BTW), and on top of that, I'd wonder if you wore it willingly!

BecW2be

I'd let him add "obey" if you get to add "I promise to ride a bull every morning for 8 seconds before going to work" to his. One's about as ridiculous as the other.

redheadfsu

I would cringe.

"Obey" harkens back to the day where a wife was a husband's property & where the rule of thumb was law.

kpwedkk

I'd ask what does he mean by "obey?" 

future-mrs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_strange-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:633e3391-d740-4534-8778-8ec581bb2031Post:12b2dcd9-ce12-4c58-867c-e6ce87d545d0">Re: Strange question</a>:
[QUOTE]I would cringe. "Obey" harkens back to the day where a wife was a husband's property & where the rule of thumb was law.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with this... no way I "obey" anyone.  Advice? Constructive criticism? Suggestions?  Asking nicely?  Sure.  Not "Biznatch, fix me some dinner and where are my pants at?  You have to obey me, I'm your husband!"

amalama

I would cringe and definitely roll my eyes. Sorry, I'm judgy like that.

Honestly the fact that he really wants you to put it back in kind of bugs me in itself. I know you say "he doesn't mean it like that" but what you are talking about isn't "obeying" to me. If my BF felt that strongly about this we would be having a long talk about what it did mean to him.

mysticl

There is a difference between obeying your husband and honoring a request he has made of you or defering to his opinion because he has more knowledge about a certain topic that you do.  In an equal partnership he would also honor requests made by you and defer to your opinion when you are the family "expert" on the topic. 

The fact that it is not listed in his vows is not meant to be funny.  This "tradition" goes back to a time where when a woman got married she became her husband's property and she had to obey him. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I actually don't think I'd think too much about it, to be honest.  But I'd want him to say it too

missy68

If my officiant could've made J do it with a Z snap and a head roll, I might have considered it.

But no way in hell. And it isn't because I don't listen to him, because I do - he is pretty knowledgeable and has taken care of himself longer than I have. I think it is our job as partners in our marriage to protect each other and sustain each other, and if that means listening to what he says regarding some sort of advice and vice versa, then so be it.

skippylouwho

I would not use it myself (and I'm a MOG/MOB, not a bride) but I wouldn't judge someone else for using it, as long as it was a choice they made and weren't required to use.

lleavell

I think the question is not how your guests would respond, or even what FH wants, but whether you're willing to swear to obey your husband before God, family, state, and everyone.  I went to a wedding a while back that was very heavy on the "wives submit to your husbands" and we all thought it was weird, but that's not what's important.  Your vows should reflect who you are and what matters in your relationship.

In this, as all things, there's a spectrum.  One the one hand there's the wedding I went to where the pastor talked about how it's a wife's duty to make a nice home for her husband and the husband's duty to make a living to support the wife, and on the other hand there's the pastor we know who refuses to marry any couple that wants the bride's father to "give her away" because it's too patriarchal. No matter what you do, some people are going to be appalled by your radicalism/traditionalism.  Screw them. It's your wedding!

(if however, the question is that FH wants you to swear to obey him but you're not sure that you're comfortable with that for your own sake, that's a serious issue that you need to talk about with each other and your officiant or other mentor/spiritual leader.)

christinatess16

I was at a wedding once when the bride promised to obey, be subservient, and basically be an old school housewife forever.

I guess that works for some people, but my jaw fell open.

If you don't want to promise that, then don't. These are your vows. I know some people take them lightly, but you are promising to uphold these vows for the rest of your life. Do not promise to obey if you will always regret saying that.

Do what you think it right. I would ask him to say it too. If he expects you to he should be able to make that same promise. If he can't make that promise too… well for me that would raise some questions about what he expects from me and our marriage.

LeighPA

here's no way that is going in ours vows. My fiance knows better. As for someone else's wedding, I'd chuckle to myself. Better her than me.