I have an actual WR question. wow.

eastunder1

If you are a bridesmaid in a wedding but not attending any of the pre-wedding parties due to being out of state, are you still expected to help pay for said pre-wedding parties?


(I swear if anyone answers this with "bms don't HAVE to do anything but show up in their dress at the wedding", I'm coming to your house and leaving dog doodie on your stoop.)

edit:  I feel like I worded the poll weird.  Lets assume a shower present would still be sent no matter if there was other contributions on top of it or not.  Just because you know... you're not a d*ck.    It isn't like a "chip in OR send a present" thing.   poll fail, party of me. 

eastunder1

I'm leaning towards option C.  Although I do like cheese very much. 

barrelbabe004

I'd say sending a gift would be nice, but I wouldn't expect you to pay for anything. 

aprovencher21

Eh.  I may chip in a little money but if I wasn't going I wouldn't chip in a lot.  I'm more likely to just send a gift.  I think this also depends upon how much is being asked of me to contribute.  If its $20-$50 sure I'll contribute if I'm not going to be there.....more than that I may have to think about it.

Meagan78

Only experience I have is what my group did.  MOH is out-of-state and couldn't come so she did the invitations for my shower and sent games and favors down.  So she chipped in in a big way without actually sending money for the day of.

nda_roxybabe

I have no idea, but I like cheese

npasquale16

I think it depends on how much you have to contribute.  What are we talking here?  $50?  $300?  That would sway my decision a lot.

I voted for contribute, only because that's what I would do in the situation (if my contribution were $150 or lower--anything more and I'd just send a gift). 

Blueyed228

Unless she offered to host or co-host the events, she should not have to pay for anything.

I personally would offer to pay for something.  Invites, favors, cake, something.  Or just send a gift.

nda_roxybabe

Meagan- am I reading your tickers right? Your baby is due within a week of your wedding?

jasmineh7777

Send a gift and call it good.
I like cheese as well.

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:0c47edd8-7d9a-4ecf-8f26-4371ce98ef9e">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]Meagan- am I reading your tickers right? Your baby is due within a week of your wedding?
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

yeah, this.

JennaV26

If you're not hosting you shouldn't be required to pay.

jasmineh7777

Jenna- Your pictures are amazing!

KRN726

Just because you live out of state does not mean that you are not a bridesmaid. If the bridesmaids are throwing a shower, pitch in. Just because you won't be there to have a piece of cake and some munchies doesn't mean that you don't have the same responsibility as the rest of the bridesmaids. If one bridesmaid contributes, all the bridesmaids should contribute...at least something. Think about it -  YOU won't be there to contribute as much as the others who will be; I mean let's face it...THEY will be the ones doing the planning, the running around, sending the invites, shopping for something to wear, cleaning their house if the event is there, decorating, buying all the food and possibly cooking it, setting everything up, being the hostess during the event, cleaning up after...kinda makes sending a bit of cash seem easy.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:76a351a5-b970-45aa-bdc6-e9530885ac88">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]Unless she offered to host or co-host the events, she should not have to pay for anything. I personally would offer to pay for something.  Invites, favors, cake, something.  Or just send a gift.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]


Yup, this.

My out of town bridesmaids were not involved in planning the shower, they did not financially contribute to it, and they didn't do anything for it other than RSVP no in time.  It was fine and expected.

I'd send a gift.  Maybe cheese.  I like cheese.

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:7ce2ac0b-619b-42e3-b739-c1a50ead06a6">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]Just because you live out of state does not mean that you are not a bridesmaid. If the bridesmaids are throwing a shower, pitch in. Just because you won't be there to have a piece of cake and some munchies doesn't mean that you don't have the same responsibility as the rest of the bridesmaids<strong><u>. If one bridesmaid contributes, all the bridesmaids should contribute...at least something</u></strong>. Think about it -  YOU won't be there to contribute as much as the others who will be; I mean let's face it...<u><strong>THEY will be the ones doing the planning</strong></u>, the running around, sending the invites, shopping for something to wear, cleaning their house if the event is there, decorating, buying all the food and possibly cooking it, setting everything up, being the hostess during the event, cleaning up after...kinda makes sending a bit of cash seem easy.
Posted by KRN726[/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice.

Only people hosting should pay.  You cannot host the event if you are not there.  Hosting does not just mean paying.  It means being responsible for the guests comfort etc during the event.  There are alot of factors in hosting that have nothing to do with paying.

It is not your BM's job to throw you a shower.  They can if they want, or 1 or 2 of them can, but it certainly is not one of their "duties".

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:7ce2ac0b-619b-42e3-b739-c1a50ead06a6">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]Just because you live out of state does not mean that you are not a bridesmaid. If the bridesmaids are throwing a shower, pitch in. Just because you won't be there to have a piece of cake and some munchies doesn't mean that you don't have the same responsibility as the rest of the bridesmaids. If one bridesmaid contributes, all the bridesmaids should contribute...at least something. Think about it -  YOU won't be there to contribute as much as the others who will be; I mean let's face it...THEY will be the ones doing the planning, the running around, sending the invites, shopping for something to wear, cleaning their house if the event is there, decorating, buying all the food and possibly cooking it, setting everything up, being the hostess during the event, cleaning up after...kinda makes sending a bit of cash seem easy.
Posted by KRN726[/QUOTE]

So anytime someone in your group of friends hosts a party, do all the other friends offer up money if they don't come over to help plan it or pay for part of it?  Hell, I'd be having parties weekly if my friends followed your advice.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:7ce2ac0b-619b-42e3-b739-c1a50ead06a6">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]Just because you live out of state does not mean that you are not a bridesmaid. If the bridesmaids are throwing a shower, pitch in. Just because you won't be there to have a piece of cake and some munchies doesn't mean that you don't have the same responsibility as the rest of the bridesmaids. If one bridesmaid contributes, all the bridesmaids should contribute...at least something. Think about it -  YOU won't be there to contribute as much as the others who will be; I mean let's face it...THEY will be the ones doing the planning, the running around, sending the invites, shopping for something to wear, cleaning their house if the event is there, decorating, buying all the food and possibly cooking it, setting everything up, being the hostess during the event, cleaning up after...kinda makes sending a bit of cash seem easy.
Posted by KRN726[/QUOTE]

Ugh, I hate it when peope give shitty advice.  This is not your local!

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:9224eded-e1d4-4816-9b1b-c8d461a7078b">I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are a bridesmaid in a wedding but not attending any of the pre-wedding parties due to being out of state, are you still expected to help pay for said pre-wedding parties? (I swear if anyone answers this with "bms don't HAVE to do anything but show up in their dress at the wedding", I'm coming to your house and leaving dog doodie on your stoop.) edit:  I feel like I worded the poll weird.  Lets assume a shower present would still be sent no matter if there was other contributions on top of it or not.  Just because you know... you're not a d*ck.    It isn't like a "chip in OR send a present" thing.   poll fail, party of me. 
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

I've never heard of someone in the wedding party being <strong>expected </strong>to pay for an event, gift or anything else related to something that someone else in the wedding party took it upon themselves to do.  Expected is the key word there in my reply; many bridesmaids would probably take it upon themselves to offer to help, whether that is time or money, but everyone's situation is differenent and there should never be an expectation by one person hosting an event that others who have nothing to do with it should cough up some money.

In any case, it's not something that you as the bride should even be worrying about.  If one of your bridesmaids does indeed decide to throw you a party and wants to shake down the other bridesmaids for money to help herself pay for the party she's decided to throw, well, that's her own choice to be rude, I'd just stay out of that if I were you.

thesuninherhead

I replied with B before realising that option C was there and was better. Don't pay for the parties, but do send something for them. 

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:b3f877da-3b93-4822-9060-d2f981ba721d">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]I replied with B before realising that option C was there and was better. Don't pay for the parties, but do send something for them. 
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Agreed, that is what I would do. </div><div>
</div><div>On another note, does anyone even know a BM or MOH who just put on the dress and showed up at the wedding? I am not saying a bride should "expect more", but I think the vast majority of bridal party members do more, in one way or another.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

npasquale16

Okay, I see that the poll options are different from what I originally thought.

I still would contribute something (personally), but in no way should anyone EXPECT that you should contribute the party or act as if you're a BM, so you're technically a hostess.  That's just dumb.  I would contribute a little just to help the other girls out, but it's in no way required that you do that.  You need to make a judgement call based on how much you can afford to give (in terms of shower gift, wedding gift, etc) and go from there on whether you contribute anything at all.

J&K10910

I wouldn't expect it from BMs.  And, I think if I were a BM that decided to throw a shower and there was an OOT BM that couldn't come, I would understand if she had no desire to contribute or really have anything to do with it.  In fact, knowing people in general, I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for anything BUT me.  So I don't see the problem in sending a nice gift and calling it a day. 

baystateapple

This happened to me a few years ago...the bride's mother hosted her shower (fail) in RI, and I lived in CT.  I couldn't make it to the shower, because I was working that weekend.  One of the bridesmaids called me up and told me I had to pony up $75 towards the expenses of the shower.  Didn't ask how much I could contribute, just said "Hey, so, your share of the shower bill is $75, can you send me a check for that?" (or something to that effect).  I was not pleased, especially since I couldn't even make the shower.

I would call the shower hostess and ask if there's anything you can do, send a gift, and call it a day.  Only the hostess(es) should be paying for a shower.

september's bride

I voted no, but I know that my circle of friends would still probably request a contribution of some kind from me, either financially or of my time. I'd want to say no in this case, but would still probably give in and either help coordinate something or kick in a hundred bucks and call it a day.

Should you have to? No, not in my opinion. Is it a nice thing to do for your friend? Yes, definitely.

samurai21

My sister/MOH hosted my shower, and less then half of my bridesmaids ar ein state or were able to attend. All she asked was that uf they couldn't be there was that they send a nice card with a "wedding wish" or something like that that I could open and read. They all did that, I think 1 of them sent a gift to our apartment ahead of time.

 I wanted to make sure they knew they didn't have to buy a gift/contribute to the shower since they're all paying for their flights/travel to the wedding late. I loved reading the cards from them.

Personally, I would send a card with a gift card in it.

redheadfsu

 I wouldn't help pay for the party, but I would try to help out with a gift for both the bride and the host(flowers, wine, etc.).

dmiller9274

If this is a person that you are really close to and want to do something for the party to help contribute, could you buy the invites and send them out?  It's something small, but you would be contributing financially and helping the others out with one of the to-dos. 

I do think it's totally acceptable to just send a gift though.  The other is just a suggestion if you are wanting to contribute.

jennylove810

I didn't read all the responses (sorry) but I believe a shower isn't about the people who are there, or not there, but about the bride.  This girl is a close friend or family member?  Someone clearly important to you, or at the very least, you are important enough to her to have been asked to be in her wedding?

If I were you, I'd want the bride to have a great shower and I'd mail a check, even if it were a smaller one.

loop0406

For some reason, I couldn't view the poll but I would contribute a tad to the pre-wedding parties even if I didn't attend and also send a present

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wr-question-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:72d212fe-5aa7-40c7-b305-f89f82f21f44Post:09b3cdc2-a715-40ce-8821-c2bb52509607">Re: I have an actual WR question. wow.</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't read all the responses (sorry) but I believe a shower isn't about the people who are there, or not there, but about the bride.  This girl is a close friend or family member?  Someone clearly important to you, or at the very least, you are important enough to her to have been asked to be in her wedding? If I were you, I'd want the bride to have a great shower and I'd mail a check, even if it were a smaller one.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's what I think too. 

In my circle of friends it's pretty common for all of the bridesmaids to chip in and pay for the shower even if only a few of them are doing the bulk of the planning.  I remember this did cause issues in one friend's wedding.  I wasn't a BM, but I was friends with a few of them, and they all complained that one BM had planned the whole shower without asking them if they could afford to pay their share (it was pretty expensive).    Is it the amount of money that you're concerned about or just the fact that you have to pay for a party that you're not attending?

If a family member hosts, then I don't think the bridesmaids pay.