child abuse

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:aba75b48-380a-48dc-9708-d75225af5399">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE] Not punishing kids is what's turning them into monsters. I've taken all sorts of classes on the positive reinforcement crap and no punish styles of parenting and if it works for your kid, great, kumbaya, but some kids just don't have boundaries and don't learn them easily. I don't advocate spanking or anything, but there needs to be punishment of some kind (time outs preferably). 
Posted by reddy123[/QUOTE]
ITA with all of this.

Nebb

I have to agree with the lack of punishment creating bratty kids. I was spanked a few times (I can remember maybe 3 or 4) and there is probably a good reason it was only so few because it fucking sucked and I made sure to behave. I see nothing wrong with punishment (within reason). I mean, grounding your teenager is punishment but no one speaks out against that. I never had my mouth washed out with soap but I had the fear of a shitstorm if I ever swore hanging over my head so I just never did.

SarahPLiz

It happened to me once at my grondmother's hand. Basically she just stuck a bar of Ivory in there and rubbed it on my tounge then made me gargle and spit.  I swallowed some and it gave me the shits. But I never used that word in her presence again. 

I don't know that I would do it, but I don't necessarily think it is abuse. Making them swollow it would be, though. 

lilcassers

Lol... my mom did that to me when I swore when I was 10. You better believe I never swore around her again until I was about 17!  I don't consider it abuse unless it is done "frequently".

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:bc19aac2-e5a0-45b1-9b5b-0f655239c218">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to agree with the lack of punishment creating bratty kids. I was spanked a few times (I can remember maybe 3 or 4) and there is probably a good reason it was only so few because it fucking sucked and I made sure to behave. I see nothing wrong with punishment (within reason). I mean, grounding your teenager is punishment but no one speaks out against that.<strong> I never had my mouth washed out with soap but I had the fear of a shitstorm if I ever swore hanging over my head so I just never did.
</strong>Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

This. I was never spanked or threatened as a kid but I was also the type to respond very strongly to the "I'm disappointed in you" mode of parenting. Just the look my dad gave me the first time I cursed in front of him was enough to shut me up. I'm 26 now and still don't curse in front of him, or apologize if I'm really upset about something and it slips out.
I also think a big part of it was that my parents never cursed around me either, and still don't. Once I heard my dad say fvck on the phone with someone (like...last year) and it completely shocked me.

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:aba75b48-380a-48dc-9708-d75225af5399">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]I've had it threatened to me, seen it done several times to my brother, and hell yes I would do it to my kids. I am definitely in the minority here. H's family had five boys and used hot sauce. Not punishing kids is what's turning them into monsters. I've taken all sorts of classes on the positive reinforcement crap and no punish styles of parenting and if it works for your kid, great, kumbaya, but some kids just don't have boundaries and don't learn them easily. I don't advocate spanking or anything, but there needs to be punishment of some kind (time outs preferably). 
Posted by reddy123[/QUOTE]

See I view some punishments as needed, like time outs, taking away privileges, etc.  I don't believe in anything that is physically painful or uncomfortable.  I admit that I heavily judge any parents that spank or use any form of that type of punishment.  I think it is an excuse that some kids just need to be spanked, etc.  Parenting takes work and that means people should be up to the task of disciplining their children in an appropriate and effective manner.  Numerous studies have shown that spanking has little to no effect on proper behavior and actually can cause kids to become more violent. 

ETA: Freakin knot cut off half my response.  I agree that lack of discipline (a mixture of positive reinforcement and punishments) is the problem with how kids behave today. 

cupcakesfrosting

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:ce7adc80-66ee-454c-9575-e1e5b466e3c8">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: child abuse : See I view some punishments as needed, like time outs, taking away privileges, etc.  I don't believe in anything that is physically painful or uncomfortable.  I admit that I heavily judge any parents that spank or use any form of that type of punishment.  I think it is an excuse that some kids just need to be spanked, etc.  Parenting takes work and that means people should be up to the task of disciplining their children in an appropriate and effective manner.  Numerous studies have shown that spanking has little to no effect on proper behavior and actually can cause kids to become more violent.  ETA: Freakin knot cut off half my response.  I agree that lack of discipline (a mixture of positive reinforcement and punishments) is the problem with how kids behave today. 
Posted by aprovencher21[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this except one thing.

I think punishment shames your child into doing what YOU think is right. You need to explain to children WHY they can't do something (discipline). Just shoving your kid in a corner, and not explaining why, isn't effective at all.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:fb882bb9-832d-46d5-9e0c-903d0efe600c">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: child abuse : This. I was never spanked or threatened as a kid but <strong>I was also the type to respond very strongly to the "I'm disappointed in you" mode of parenting.</strong> Just the look my dad gave me the first time I cursed in front of him was enough to shut me up. I'm 26 now and still don't curse in front of him, or apologize if I'm really upset about something and it slips out. I also think a big part of it was that my parents never cursed around me either, and still don't. Once I heard my dad say fvck on the phone with someone (like...last year) and it completely shocked me.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]
Same here, I dont know if its because my mom was single when I was growing up but she used it a lot and I was very receptive to it. It just made you feel SO guilty if you got that look.

J&K10910

I hate the word "punishment" so much.  I have such a negative connotation of the word.  I agree with CCF about it quite a lot.

Nebb

I dont think punishment is bad when it is used in addition to other methods. I think the big problem is that some parents use only punishment (which is probably abuse), and some dont use any at all (making entitled brats with no sense of consequence).

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:c8ac1b9a-e734-4b0d-8c44-6ec589ecd8c3">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think punishment is bad when it is used in addition to other methods. I think the big problem is that some parents use only punishment (which is probably abuse), and some dont use any at all (making entitled brats with no sense of consequence).
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but what you do mean by "punishment"?  I'm not against it in the sense of discipline and consequences.  To me, it's just a biased reaction to the word itself, which means excessive consequences with a negative feeling, and no teaching moment.  I'm big on kids learning something from discipline and their consequences, and not just learning to avoid something because it gets them spanked without really knowing why, KWIM?    (Definitely agree on needing to be a happy medium and everything you said, just wanted to clarify I didn't mean I don't like punishments in general, I just don't like the word because of what it means to me.)

Nebb

I dont have anything wrong with a spanking or something like htat, but there has to be conversation involved, not just a swat on the ass and go on your merry way. Thats why I think it has to be used in addition to other methods, if they know why what they did was wrong and why this is happening I am sure the butt swat will mean more to them.

Adams parents never did that, they would spank and just leave it at that and he just laughed at them because it didnt phase him, so obviously JUST spanking doesnt work without some kind of dialogue. I dont think kids like feeling shame or guilt and they will learn to avoid that feeling more than the punishment. Thats just my take. I dont have kids though so just take that with a grain of salt.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:fb882bb9-832d-46d5-9e0c-903d0efe600c">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: child abuse : <strong>This. I was never spanked or threatened as a kid but I was also the type to respond very strongly to the "I'm disappointed in you" mode of parenting.</strong> Just the look my dad gave me the first time I cursed in front of him was enough to shut me up. I'm 26 now and still don't curse in front of him, or apologize if I'm really upset about something and it slips out. I also think a big part of it was that my parents never cursed around me either, and still don't. Once I heard my dad say fvck on the phone with someone (like...last year) and it completely shocked me.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

Same here. Although, my Mom did smack me across the face once for talking back but I was a little older then (8th grade I think).

But there was nothing worse (and still is) than having someone be disappointed in my behavior. I feel like if you show disappointment in your children for certain actions/behaviors and they respond to it, you've done a good job as far them having a strong respect for you and for themselves overall, otherwise they wouldn't care.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:81dce514-dc69-41eb-b174-09747d095690">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: child abuse : Same here. Although, <strong>my Mom did smack me across the face once for talking back but I was a little older then (8th grade I think)</strong>. But there was nothing worse (and still is) than having someone be disappointed in my behavior. I feel like if you show disappointment in your children for certain actions/behaviors and they respond to it, you've done a good job as far them having a strong respect for you and for themselves overall, otherwise they wouldn't care.
Posted by LessThanZero[/QUOTE]
My mom smacked me across the face at around that age too, I whipped a channel changer at her because I was mad. I certainly never did that again hah.

LessThanZero

Haha, Nebb - that's pretty much the age where a smack in the face is usually warranted. 12 and 13 year old girls can be a little much.

I don't think I ever talked back to my Mom after that either. She put the fear of God in me with that one because it had never happened before.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:a2faf771-0c00-4a67-bd98-bf0e6cf0a583">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha, Nebb - that's pretty much the age where a smack in the face is usually warranted. 12 and 13 year old girls can be a little much. I don't think I ever talked back to my Mom after that either. She put the fear of God in me with that one because it had never happened before.
Posted by LessThanZero[/QUOTE]
I was a right terror between 13-18, I said some AWFUL things to my mom during that time. Sometimes her guilt trips worked, but more often than not if we faught I just left the house and caroused. I made a point to apologize to my mom for all the bad things I said when I was old enough to realize what a total shiit i was.

sister2groom

I was spanked as a child and I see nothing wrong with it. I never had lasting injuries or bruises, and never was spanked after I lost the baby fat cushion on my tush. It was not the first recourse and I was spanked a total of about 5 times throughought my childhood (not counting getting swatted on the palm of the hand for more minor offenses).

I was always asked if I knew why I was going to be spanked, although I was only spanked if it was pretty darn obvious. I only remember the specifics of two of the times I was spanked but I know and knew at the time I really deserved it.

1. When I was about 8, me and all of my silbings all ganged up on our babysistter and tried to open the locked door while he was in the bathroom.
2. My silbings and I all plotted against my younger brother, sat on him, and stuffed my sister's (clean) underwear in his mouth. I was 10, WAY old enough to know better, and I still cringe to remember how horrendous I was.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_child-abuse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:82f725ae-80aa-4b6f-8420-46d8edf994ddPost:81dce514-dc69-41eb-b174-09747d095690">Re: child abuse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: child abuse : Same here. Although, my Mom did smack me across the face once for talking back but I was a little older then (8th grade I think). But there was nothing worse (and still is) than having someone be disappointed in my behavior.<strong> I feel like if you show disappointment in your children for certain actions/behaviors and they respond to it, you've done a good job as far them having a strong respect for you and for themselves overall, otherwise they wouldn't care.
</strong>Posted by LessThanZero[/QUOTE]

This is true. I think it's also important to be a role model for the kids. I know my ex's stepdad was the worst with swearing, treating women like shiit, etc. Then he'd smack around my ex if he acted the same way and just got an eye roll. Or he'd try to pull the "I'm disappointed in you" and ex would be like "Oh really? Guess where I got it front jackass"

I remember when Z went through her biting phase her parents tried everything to get her stop. The only that worked is one day she bit her mom and mom started crying and left the room just because she was so emotionally upset. Z started crying, immediately ran and apologized (in 2 year old speak of course) and never did it again.

ETA: Ex bf was not a bad guy at all, especially with how he treated women. I didnt want to give him a bad impression.