Snarky Brides

Just got schooled by a priest.

Short version:  Fiance is Catholic, I am Greek Orthodox.  We want a Catholic wedding.  Cant do FI's hometown church cause its too far away.

Found a church, loved it, left SEVERAL messages with the priest.  Finally called me back a few minutes ago.

Found out I was not catholic, told me he is "too busy" to deal with non members and especially non catholics.  Then advised me to try a church in my town, but advised me they dont have to marry me there since im not catholic.  His tone was irritated and rude and it seemed like he wanted me to know that since I was not Catholic, I was not good enough to step foot in his chuch.

Are all Catholic priests this rude?
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Re: Just got schooled by a priest.

  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Combo Breaker
    edited February 2010

    no.

    but you will find that most Catholic churches want you to be a member of their parish before they will marry you.

    you do not have to both be Catholic in order to have a Catholic wedding, only one of you needs to be.

    where does your FI attend church now?  if he does not currently attend, he shoudl find a church close to where you live (or plan to live) and start attending and get registered there.  or, change plans and have the wedding in the parish he grew up in, which might be even easier if his parents are still members there.



  • We would have made a GENEROUS donation to have the wedding there.  We are from Ma and alot of catholic churches closed after they caught the priests dittling the kids.  His church was one of them, and was too far from the venue anyway.

    You are right, you dont have to be catholic, but from what im told, its completly up to the priest in that case.  If he doesnt agree with it (which this guy clearly doesnt) then they dont have to do it. 

    Im just pissed at the way that he handled it.  If he called me back after the first message i left him and said he was not comfortable doing it, then i would have been fine with it, but he waited over a week to call back, and was so rude!

    I thought priests were supposed to love all children of god, lol.
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  • I'm Catholic... my FH is not.... we're having a Catholic wedding. Our priest didn't even blink. He later told us that it's pretty common these days. You must have just gotten an old school mean priest who'd probably just had a bad day or something.
  • According to the current Pope, Orthodox are the only non-Catholics not going straight to hell. (FI is non-practicing Orthodox and he finds this hilarious). If you could find an orthodox priest, they would probably marry you in an Orthodox church, even though your FI is Catholic. Since Orthodox is almost Catholic, and the ceremony is more awesome, IMHO, maybe his family won't think too much about it.

    And Catholics really do think they are the only real Christians.I used to work at a Diocese. That is the prevailing view. Methodists love everyone. DOn't get them twisted.
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  • And people wonder why I don't go to church. He sounds like a jerk.
  • Ours was fine with it. FI is Roman Catholic, I'm Lutheran. Basically the same, I just don't have the whole 'guilt' thing, I like to joke with my FI. And there are women pastors and can have families and all that, much more liberal. Anyway, we wanted one of the oldest Cathedrals in NY and thought we might have a hard time, especially since neither of us attends services there. He just asked for copies of our baptism and both of us to have gone through Confirmation, which we have. And 6 one on one meetings with him. It initially seemed like a lot but it's been kind of fun actually. And we were really upfront with him about living together and owning our apartment, we didn't want to lie about anything. I think a lot of the strict undertones have been overshadowed by modern times. He didn't condone it but didn't make a big issue out of it. Overall I've been pleasantly surprised by the whole thing. 
  • He would have been much kinder if you were a 12 year old boy.
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  • Maybe he was irritated by all your messages.
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  • He's not obligated to marry you.  You're right, all Catholic priests are this rude.  I'm sure you were just a peach in your many messages.

  • No I really don't think that most Catholic priests are that rude.  You just happened to fall across one.

    Greek Orthodox and Roman Catholic are very close.  You may receive communion in a greek Orthodox church and a GO may do likewise.

    In most cases, a priest from RC will meet with GO to discuss ceremony. 


    They will both participate if requested;  Let's just say demanded, okay?  THAT way they will comply.

    Get your issues lined up now
    1

    Good Luck!






  • bbycks:  All I said in my messages was my name and phone number.  I tried to ask the people in the parish office my initial questions (is it something they can do, what the requirements are, what time they perform the ceremonies, etc) and was told that only the priest can answer those questions.  I didnt think it was an unreasonable request to expect a call back.

    Saraplz: Good to know Im not going to hell, lol.  But one of the major differences is that the orthodox dont hold the pope in such high regard.  He is basically like a bishop to us.

    ootmother:  My church does not allow me to recieve communion in the catholic church, but the catholic church will give me communion because I have recieved the sacrements.  However, if FI was to come to my church, the priest would get in big trouble if he gave him communion.

    Its just really frustrating because we really liked the church.  I would consider seeing him in person (with checkbook in hand, lol) and ask him to reconsider, but he was so off-putting. Luckily we went to another church and loved it.  That priest was so nice to me.  I guess it really depends on the priest.  I just thought they were supposed to accept all the children of God, lol.

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  • I want to know what kind of trouble a priest could get in for giving communion to non-churchies.  Does he get grounded from saying mass one week?  So like, a vacation?
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  • Some preists are just that rude. Some think if one person isn't Catholic then they are not allowed to be married in the Catholic Church. It's a load of garbage. My Uncle is a deacon in a Catholic Church in NYC and he has baptized my son with only me being Catholic and is marrying my sister this May and her FI isn't Catholic. 
  • I sympathize; I've been there.  And I do think the priest probably overreacted.  But I think you just have to change your game plan a little.  From the priest's perspective, he's probably understaffed.  So first priority is taking care of members, then other Catholics, then everyone else.  It's just basic asset allocation.

    We ran into the same problem at FI's church (where his parents are members).  Basically, they're understaffed, so dealing with a non-member (even though his parents are members) and a non-Catholic rated low on priorities.  And they were a huge church, so bureacracy followed as well.  I think your life will get much easier if you seek out the priest, rather than the beautiful church.  In our case, we ended up working with the priest attached to my university, which lowered bureaucracy.  And since he wasn't trying to attend to several thousand members, like FI's church, he was happy to work with us.

    As far as dealing with the priests, know the following:  Certain rules come from Rome, certain come from the diocese, and certain ones from the particular order the priest belongs to. 

    For example, some dioceses are completely okay with performing ceremonies wherever you want (beach, wedding venue, etc) and others require it to be performed in the church.  But from Rome, the rule is that Catholics can marry non-Catholics as long as the Catholic promises to raise any children of the marriage in the Catholic church.

    Priests come in lots of different varieties.  There are the dioceaneans, who aren't parts of special orders and just belong to the diocese.  Then there are the ones that belong to special orders -- Jesuits, Dominicans, etc.  Some are more liberal about all sorts of things (including marrying non-Catholics) than others.

    If you ask a knowledgeable Catholic in Boston, they can probably give you the lowdown on local politics in the church.  If you find one of the more liberal orders that has a parish, talk to him.  See what he says.  You may find it much easier to work with him. 

    Alternatively... could your FI call his old parish and get some recommendations?  Maybe his old church has a connection with a local one.  At a minimum, maybe the old priest could pave the way in Boston by calling up another priest and vouching for your FI.
  • Your checkbook should have nothing to do with it.
                       
  • Not all Priests are like this. As a Catholic it insults me when priests treat people like that and I am sorry you were treated that way. Greek Orthodox is actually recognized (correct me if I am wrong) as one of the Apostolic Churches, and therefore he should not have had a problem with you marrying in the Church. However, the priest does reserve rights to not allow any couple, for any reason, to get married in that church.

    I am glad to know that you found a church that you like.
  • I am glad you found another church. Another option could be to network a bit and find a retired/otherwise not tied down to any church Catholic priest and get married in a location like a park or at the reception location. I have seen it done where the couple cannot for whatever reason get married in a church (or just prefer not to) and their priest couldn't officiate outside the church and so they brought in another. But I am not Catholic so I am unaware of the specific rules and etiquette in a situation like that.
  • Sorry for the double post, but I thought of another avenue you could try. See if there are any Catholic colleges in the area. Most religious schools will have a chapel on campus, it may not be as big and grand as the churches you were looking at but most are quite nice. They may only let members of the college community use it for weddings but if you sent them a nice letter outlining your situation (new to the area and don't have a home church yet or whatever) they may bend their rules for you.

    If all else fails, it might be worth a try.

  • As someone who's close friend was raped by a priest and sat through the trial and had to listen to all the gruesome details BUT IS STILL getting married in the Catholic Church, around BOSTON... I kinda just want you to hush for a moment. My childhood priest is marrying me and mr lil. mr lil was baptized in teh church of england and hasn't set foot in a church since.

    Find another church, or ask to speak to another priest at that parish if you really have your heart set on. I don't see why you would though since it isn't your church or your FI's church.

    I hope your budget for open bar goes towards the generous donation to the church.
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  • We actually found a great church with an aswesome priest. 

    We cant do my church because FI does not want a greek wedding.  And his closed a few years ago when all that crazy-ness happened. 

    And yes, we will be making an appropriate donation :)
    And after the flamming, most likely the open bar too, just with paid transportation for people.  That should be a good compromise for my family. 
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  • Wait, so even a priest is out to get you? Paranoid much?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-got-schooled-priest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:83fb9e4d-3334-44b5-bfdd-5698faecc669Post:72c61a98-cd39-464a-bc5c-f39fcd53bf6f">Re: Just got schooled by a priest.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, so even a priest is out to get you? Paranoid much?
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

    Stalker much?
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  • I am adding "_____ much?" to the Phrases That Will Earn You A Facepunch list.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-got-schooled-priest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:83fb9e4d-3334-44b5-bfdd-5698faecc669Post:af6426c7-8624-4acc-a39c-5039881511cc">Re: Just got schooled by a priest.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am adding "_____ much?" to the Phrases That Will Earn You A Facepunch list.
    Posted by HappyTummy613[/QUOTE]

    LOL.  Point taken.
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    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • I guess you didn't realize that people are so annoyed by you they are linking in other threads/boards to all your posts and making fun of you. It is not so much stalking as it is very easy to follow the stupid.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-got-schooled-priest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:83fb9e4d-3334-44b5-bfdd-5698faecc669Post:59d907aa-76f9-45dc-9dfd-869cf73cb645">Re: Just got schooled by a priest.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe it's just the churches in NJ, but I have never been to a service that allowed someone who proclaimed they are not baptised in the Catholic church, recieve sacrement. They don't check i.ds at the door, but the Euchurist isn't fun cracker and juice time, the Euchuristic ministers take it seriously, it almost never gets thrown away, even if lands on the floor. As far as I know, most Catholic churches won't marry someone who hasn't been confirmed into the faith, that means you need to complete the three steps before that, baptisim, confession and confirmation. I have heard of some priest marrying a interfaith couple in the church, just not at the altar, maybe offer that as a suggestion.
    Posted by FutureMrsJGraves[/QUOTE]

    I can get married in the catholic church because I did recieve the 3 sacrements.  I am greek and we recieve the 3 all at once during our christening.  The catholic church recognizes the orthodox church in that way.

    We ended up finding another church and are going to book it on wed, when I talked to the priest at the new church, he was so nice and said as long as neither of us were married before then we are fine.  I was just shocked at how the first priest dismissed us so quickly, lol.  I guess everyone was right when they said it really does depend on the priest.

    I didnt even want to have a church wedding, lol, but I lost that fight with the FI.
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    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
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    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • All three at once? Yeah the sacrements are a journey in the catholic church, I don't think you get extra credit with them for having done them all together.
  • No, not all Catholic priests are rude. I guess that even though they are in a religious profession- they are people to.

    Anyhow, my FI isn't even baptized by any church and my priest was all about marrying us. FI even said that he would get baptized in my church before the wedding and my priest said to wait until after the wedding, to go to church a few times, and even talk with him (if FI wanted to) before jumping into things. We were really impressed that he actually wanted FI to research and get used to the religion before getting baptized.
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  • Aww I'm sorry you had a bad experience. The priest I grew up with is probably pushing 200 years old but hes the nicest guy in the world, even Athiest who claim to hate religious figuers love him. But since my FI is episcipalin (Diet Catholic) we are gonna get married at his church just to avoid any problems. Most churches also require at least one bridesmaid and one groomsman to be catholic as well. Sucks but us catholics are strict. I'm in a family mixed with catholic and islam can you even imagine how that screws someone up
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  • It really does depend on the priest.  Mine said he'd prefer if my fiance converted, but he's okay no matter what.

    I remember reading somewhere that marriages performed at Greek Orthodox churches are acknowledged by the Roman Catholic church, unlike marriages performed at any other Christian denomination (in those cases, you'd have to go through a marriage validation process to be official per the Vatican). 

    Find another parish with a more open-minded priest, or get married in the church of your upbringing.  Don't most religious traditions follow the wife's upbringing anyway?
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