Atheists in church?

ARose1286

So heres the dilemma: Fi is Atheist, I lean more towards Agnostic. We do want to get married in a church though (family and my choice for church, but we do both like the 'atmosphere and surroundings' as well). He is Catholic and went to a catholic elementary school and made communion, but not conformation and hasn't been since. I was christened Lutheran but haven't been since I was about 4 or 5. Neither of us know much about the bible (although he know much more than me) How would we go about doing this? What is required? I know neither of us are required to convert, but I have no idea where to start with trying to find a church or what would be required after.

cheeseandrice

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:a8158bd8-0289-4195-a208-5b84d3c617ac">Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]So heres the dilemma:<strong> Fi is Atheist,</strong> I lean more towards Agnostic. We do want to get married in a church though (family and my choice for church, but we do both like the 'atmosphere and surroundings' as well). <strong>He is Catholic</strong> and went to a catholic elementary school and made communion, but not conformation and hasn't been since. I was christened Lutheran but haven't been since I was about 4 or 5. Neither of us know much about the bible (although he know much more than me) How would we go about doing this? What is required? I know neither of us are required to convert, but I have no idea where to start with trying to find a church or what would be required after.
Posted by ARose1286[/QUOTE]

So which is he? Atheist or Catholic?

Why do you want to get married in a church? Just for the pretty pictures? Because that's incredibly disrespectful to those who do believe in God.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:a8158bd8-0289-4195-a208-5b84d3c617ac">Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]So heres the dilemma: Fi is Atheist, I lean more towards Agnostic. We do want to get married in a church though (family and my choice for church, but we do both like the 'atmosphere and surroundings' as well). He is Catholic and went to a catholic elementary school and made communion, but not conformation and hasn't been since. I was christened Lutheran but haven't been since I was about 4 or 5. Neither of us know much about the bible (although he know much more than me) How would we go about doing this? What is required? I know neither of us are required to convert, but I have no idea where to start with trying to find a church or what would be required after.
Posted by ARose1286[/QUOTE]

what is it about the "atmosphere and surroundings" that you like?

lbarr088

I was brought up in a very religious background and since moving in with FI we haven't found a church in our area that we really like yet.  Due to that fact, we aren't getting married in the church.  If you don't believe in anything why would you get married in a church?  That makes zero sense in my mind.  Also, it is perfectly acceptable to NOT  get married in a church so I'm confused why you are even considering this with your situation.

brandichamberlain

You may also find that most churches will want you to be a member before you can get married there.  My FI and I ran into this problem ourselves. 

[Deleted User]

It's weird to want to get married in a church if you don't believe in God. Getting married in a church isn't about the "atmosphere and surroundings." It's much more than just a pretty picture, and it's disrespectful to reduce it to that.

And that's coming from someone who hates church and religion.

LesPaul

This is very disrespectful to the members of the church.  If you and FI are not believers, you shouldn't book a church just to have pretty surroundings.  You certainly couldn't get married in a Catholic church, and if I were a pastor I would decline marrying you in any church.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:ab9b698c-7e7f-4679-863a-9b20e16bf75d">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]You may also find that most churches will want you to be a member before you can get married there.  My FI and I ran into this problem ourselves. 
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah same here.  My mother was upset at the fact that we wont be getting married in a church but honestly I didn't want to find a church for the sake of the wedding... I want it to be a place where I actually want to be a member and continue to go to in the future.  </div>

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:a8158bd8-0289-4195-a208-5b84d3c617ac">Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]So heres the dilemma: <strong>Fi is Atheis</strong>t, I lean more towards Agnostic. We do want to get married in a church though (family and my choice for church, but we do both like the 'atmosphere and surroundings' as well). <strong>He is Catholic</strong> and went to a catholic elementary school and made communion, but not conformation and hasn't been since. I was christened Lutheran but haven't been since I was about 4 or 5. Neither of us know much about the bible (although he know much more than me) How would we go about doing this? What is required? I know neither of us are required to convert, but I have no idea where to start with trying to find a church or what would be required after.
Posted by ARose1286[/QUOTE]

<div>To the bold: you can't be both.  He may have grown up Catholic, but if he identifies himself as Atheist, then he isn't Catholic anymore.  It sounds like he just wants to use the Catholic upbringing as an excuse to get married with a pretty ceremony backdrop.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you will be hard pressed to find a minister or priest who is willing to do you ceremony if you are both openly atheist/agnostic.  And I also think it's pretty crappy to want to get married in a church just because it's pretty.  I would skip the church ceremony. </div>

AdeleDazeem

Don't get married in a church.  Neither of you believe the teachings of that particular church so you will just be using the church as a "pretty backdrop."  That's rather offensive to the members of the church who do believe and find their church sacred.

Anysunrise

There's a million other places with a nice atmosphere. I don't understand why you'd want to, considering most ceremonies done in churches, etc. are obviously heavily religious. If you or your FI don't believe in God, it's kind of meaningless to have it in your vows that you're making a promise to Him as well. Trust me, I know.

anna.oskar

A lot of churches have required courses/classes/events that you must do prior to being allowed a church wedding.

How do you propose to answer the questions from a pastor/priest in that situation?  Example:  My H and I were asked to "Describe what God's love means to you and compare your answers with your future spouse."  

maratea

Don't get married in a church if you aren't a follower of those particular beliefs. Find a nice botanical garden, park, theater and get married there. Plus, if you get married in a church, more than likely, your officiant will include some sort of religious passage/wording in your ceremony.

Getting married in a church when you aren't religious is like saying "Sorry you aren't good enough for me to believe in, but your sacred building sure is pretty. Can I borrow it, teehee?"

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:61ab0a1a-7a0e-49af-9b0d-004ad6302f54">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]No.  If you do not believe, it would be extremely disrespectul to get married in a church for atmosphere and surroundings. Tell your family the truth about your beliefs and go from there.
Posted by rhonwynv[/QUOTE]
This.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:9a64b75d-9141-47a9-9fec-a4616954b4a9">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a million other places with a nice atmosphere. I don't understand why you'd want to, considering most ceremonies done in churches, etc. are obviously heavily religious.<strong> If you or your FI don't believe in God, it's kind of meaningless to have it in your vows that you're making a promise to Him as well. </strong>Trust me, I know.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup.  Also, I think as others have said, that you would have a pretty hard time trying to find someone to marry you in the church if you don't believe in God.  That's pretty much blasphemous right there.</div><div>
</div><div>My ONLY suggestion depending on the size of your wedding is maybe a chapel somewhere.  FSIL got married in this cute/cozy chapel with a woodstove in the middle of the woods.  They had a JP come and do the ceremony (and it was not religious in any way).  </div>

chelseamb11

Agreed with the others that it is horribly rude/offensive to use a church for its atmosphere/pretty backdrop.  There are plenty of places that have nice atmospheres.  Like lbarr mentioned, you could try a non-religious chapel (check universities in your area).  You could also try a botanical garden.  They have gorgeous backdrops but obviously aren't religious.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

This question makes me smh.

ARose1286

Maybe agnostic isnt the correct term? I apologize. He does proclaim himself to be athiest, not Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, but I don't know much about it and everytime I've tried to research any type of religion I always ended up confused to no end (and I'm much too mousy and timid to ask others in fear of being thought of as disrespectful or stupid) so I do not proclaim myself to be any specific religion. I definitely would NOT say I am athiest at all, I do believe in a higher being.

If I didn't, I'd say I dont care what anyone thinks, I'm getting married in a (garden, at the reception hall, etc). I know Fi likes the church for that, but it's like trying to pull teeth on what he wants for a ceremony, or whether its for that, his family, and/or me as he always aims to please me. As for me, I want to do it under God. Hope that makes a little more sense

AllAboutTheBenjamin

How can you not "know much about it" if you were raised Lutheran?  That seems like a bizarre statement.

I can't say the same for all churches, but the church I grew up in and the pastor who married us simply does not marry atheist couples.  And, they don't marry believers to atheists either.  So yeah, I dunno.  Good luck with that.

LetsHikeToday

I'm just confused why your fiance would like the church for a wedding even though he doesn't believe in god?

I don't go to church and am agnostic and wouldn't dream about getting married in a practicing church. I say practicing because we got married in an old church building but it is not considered a church anymore and I had a JOP do my ceremony.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Also I can't really help but imagine how awkward your wedding would be for you.  You say you're too shy or timid to ask questions about God.  If you want to get married in a church it's highly likely that you will be asked to answer questions about your belief in God.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:456ea7ba-8e24-4cf7-8bf5-1bd8ac92a59b">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe agnostic isnt the correct term? I apologize. He does proclaim himself to be athiest, not Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, but I don't know much about it and everytime I've tried to research any type of religion I always ended up confused to no end (and I'm much too mousy and timid to ask others in fear of being thought of as disrespectful or stupid) so I do not proclaim myself to be any specific religion. I definitely would NOT say I am athiest at all, I do believe in a higher being. If I didn't, I'd say I dont care what anyone thinks, I'm getting married in a (garden, at the reception hall, etc). I know Fi likes the church for that, but it's like trying to pull teeth on what he wants for a ceremony, or whether its for that, his family, and/or me as he always aims to please me. As for me, I want to do it under God. Hope that makes a little more sense
Posted by ARose1286[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for explaining a little further.  I kind of get where you're coming from.  My H is Catholic, but I am similar to you in that I think there is a possibility of some type of higher power, but I don't affiliate myself with any particular religion at all. </div><div>
</div><div>H asked me if I was ok getting married in a Catholic church, and I told him yes, but that I was not comfortable with communion being involved in the ceremony since I am not able to accept it.  So we compromised and had a Catholic ceremony without a full mass/communion.  That way his beliefs were represented (which I know is important to him), but I wasn't uncomfortable.  Both of the priests were well aware that I am not Catholic and have no intentions of ever becoming Catholic in the future. I also have been going to church with him since were first started dating because I want to support him/his beliefs, even if I don't share them. </div><div>
</div><div>But in your case, since your FI is openly Atheist, I would honestly still skip the church ceremony. I get that you want your marriage to be under God, but would your FI be comfortable with that? Or would he resent it later?  I'm also still not sure if a priest/pastor would even be willing to do the ceremony if they knew that he is Atheist (and I would definitely not recommend lying about it). </div><div>
</div>

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:9671d9b9-4e1b-4a3b-a8f6-d0dc0604b71b">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>How can you not "know much about it" if you were raised Lutheran?  That seems like a bizarre statement. </strong>I can't say the same for all churches, but the church I grew up in and the pastor who married us simply does not marry atheist couples.  And, they don't marry believers to atheists either.  So yeah, I dunno.  Good luck with that.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  I knew most of it by age 12 what with all the confirmation classes and such.  Maybe she's one of those people who says "raised Lutheran" when she really means " mom once told me we're Lutheran and we give presents at Christmas".  I know more than a fer of those.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Oddly enough, my H isn't a believer (he's a sceptic) but my pastor had no problem with it. (especially since we agreed any future children would be raised with my beliefs) He'd ask my H questions that would lead to him saying something about being iffy about God's existence and the pastor would say something along the lines of "it's okay.  God knows YOU exist"</div>

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:9671d9b9-4e1b-4a3b-a8f6-d0dc0604b71b">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>How can you not "know much about it" if you were raised Lutheran? </strong> That seems like a bizarre statement. I can't say the same for all churches, but the church I grew up in and the pastor who married us simply does not marry atheist couples.  And, they don't marry believers to atheists either.  So yeah, I dunno.  Good luck with that.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>According to her OP, she hasn't been since she was 4-5.  I wouldn't call that being "raised" Lutheran.</div><div>
</div><div>And ditto your second part.  If OP was serious about doing it "under God" how could you marry an athiest?  That might result in a little difficulty down the road.</div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:3752a60d-06ec-4687-a377-2aaaf6ab9f4f">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Atheists in church? : This.  <strong>I knew most of it by age 12 what with all the confirmation classes and such.  Maybe she's one of those people who says "raised Lutheran" when she really means " mom once told me we're Lutheran and we give presents at Christmas".</strong>  I know more than a fer of those. Oddly enough, my H isn't a believer (he's a sceptic) but my pastor had no problem with it. (especially since we agreed any future children would be raised with my beliefs) He'd ask my H questions that would lead to him saying something about being iffy about God's existence and the pastor would say something along the lines of "it's okay.  God knows YOU exist"
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]
I'm assuming she went to a Lutheran church when she was younger and stopped going. I don't say I was "raised" Methodist but I did go to a Methodist church until I was 10 or 11. I don't remember anything but I also don't want to go to church or get married in a church.

artbyallie

If you do believe in God in some capacity, OP, you might consider a Unitarian Universalist minister. It really sounds though like your fiancé just wants to appease his parents. Do they know he's an atheist? I don't think it's very likely that a Catholic priest would agree to marry you in a Catholic church, just based on what you've said in your two posts.

dmiller9274

So if you don't know much about the bible, and/or the teachings of God, what makes getting married in a church important to you? 

Do you plan to find a church and attend prior to the wedding, and continue attending after the wedding? Or is this just a "God is important on my wedding day, but I'm totally ok disregarding him after the ceremony?"

NicoleSahara

You can get married outside a church and still have it be "under God."

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:456ea7ba-8e24-4cf7-8bf5-1bd8ac92a59b">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe agnostic isnt the correct term? I apologize. He does proclaim himself to be athiest, not Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, but I don't know much about it and everytime I've tried to<strong> research any type of religion I always ended up confused to no end (and I'm much too mousy and timid to ask others in fear of being thought of as disrespectful or stupid)</strong> so I do not proclaim myself to be any specific religion. I definitely would NOT say I am athiest at all, I do believe in a higher being. If I didn't, I'd say I dont care what anyone thinks, I'm getting married in a (garden, at the reception hall, etc). I know Fi likes the church for that, but it's like trying to pull teeth on what he wants for a ceremony, or whether its for that, his family, and/or me as he always aims to please me. As for me, I want to do it under God. Hope that makes a little more sense
Posted by ARose1286[/QUOTE]

Just to the bolded part:   If you're interested in doing research on it, you may try just talking to a minister/priest.  Typically they will understand your lack of knowledge on the subject and try to teach you about it without making you feel bad.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:d4d563b0-bacf-4e3e-ba75-b6c4fa8529a2">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can get married outside a church and still have it be "under God."
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

This.  A lot of officiants out there are considered non-denominational.  They can incorporate some religious aspects into your wedding while still being married outside of a church.  You don't need a church for God to be there, especially if you believe in Him. 

I also agree with DMill, it's great that you want God to be a part of your ceremony, but I'm just curious if it's just the ceremony and not the whole marriage that you want him to be a part of (if that makese sense).  I've talked to people who think that if their marriage is in a certain type of church or is blessed by God that it is less likely to fail.  It's not the location or the officiant that makes your marriage last.  It's you and your eventual husband that make it last.  If you do want a ceremony (and marriage) that God is a part of, I recommend just checking out some churches of varying denominations to see if there's some place that you feel comfortable in.  Don't hesitate to ask any pastor/priest/etc questions.  They will be THRILLED to hear you are coming back to your faith and will be happy to answer your questions.

Fluffernut

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_atheists-in-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:956710e8-cb5b-4d1e-8bdb-33d531034da6Post:c61ffad7-c56f-490a-9e05-10c7aeb6d40e">Re: Atheists in church?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Atheists in church? : I'm assuming she went to a Lutheran church when she was younger and stopped going. I don't say I was "raised" Methodist but I did go to a Methodist church until I was 10 or 11. I don't remember anything but I also don't want to go to church or get married in a church.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

I think she said she was "christened" Lutheran, so I get where she doesn't know a lot about it.