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Best friend drama (longish)

I need advice.

This past week I found out a friend of ours who lives out of town, but is from here, was going to be around on friday so I made plans with her and my best friend to go for drinks friday night. Friday at work was hellish for me and I was mentally and physically exhausted, had a headache, and just didnt feel up to going out. I texted both of them to cancel and apologized. The next day I texted my friend to ask what was up and casually asked what she did the night before and she offloaded on me about what a crappy person I am cancelling "all the time". I told her to stop it, because she was being ridiculous and she told me she had every right to feel the way she was and she was going to say whatever she wanted. I have tried explaining MANY times how stressed out I am about work and how tired I am all the time, and she just doesnt get it. She stands by the idea that hanging out with friends would have made me feel better, but its just not so. She told me if I am just going to cancel all the time, just to not bother making plans at all.

For the record, I USED to cancel all the time, but havnt now since last fall. To be quite honest I just havnt made any plans with anyone for the past 3 or 4 months because I have been busy or not had money to go places. This is the first time I have cancelled in months, so it seems a little off base. We got into a fight about it last fall which escalated and she was totally unreasonable and wouldnt listen to anything I said and was just a stubborn a-hole about it. My husband told me to just drop it because she was obviously not going to back down. Clearly, she is still butthurt over it.

I attempted to offer an olive branch, and texted her lastnight to ask if she wanted to go to this canada day carnival with my husband and I later this week and for drinks after - she never responded.

At this point, I am completely questioning the entire friendship. Everything that upsets me lately (not seeing my husband because of his comic, him not getting paid in a timely manner, how stressed/tired I am about work, etc) she acts as if i am over reacting and that there is a simple solution im obviously not paying attention to. She never makes any effort to talk to me OR ask me to do anything, and I never gripe about it. I dont complain about anything, I just go with the flow. I just feel like weve grown apart and have completely different interests and lifestyles. The fact that she completely blew off my offer, kind of ticks me off. I just dont feel like she even TRIES to understand what is going on in my life, and whenever I try to catch up on whats going on with hers I find her difficult to talk to - "nothing" is new, and she's been up to "nothing". I just dont know anymore.

How do you effectively end a friendship with someone youve known for 22 years? Who was your maid of honour? Who is just driving you completely to distraction now. Lately ive been thinking rather hateful things to say to her, and ive never felt that way before. I know I can just let the relationship slowly die, but I dunno if its the right thing or not.

Thoughts?
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Re: Best friend drama (longish)

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    That sucks :(
    I'd just let it fizzle out honestly.
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    Nebb, I'm really sorry this is happening. It sucks and parts of it definitely sound familiar, both from how others have talked about their friend drama her and from my own experiences, so you're not alone in this.

    It sounds like you're both hurt and defensive over your history of perceived slights and not getting what you needed from the other. With a history like yours together, I would think there might be quite the opportunity to build up these frustrations. Is it possible to just take a break from each other for awhile before making any definitive decisions? This could even be something that you guys discuss. Or if she's still not responding to you, you could tell her in an email or something. It's not that you don't care about her and value her friendship, but perhaps you need some space to work through your current stressors and would prefer to have friends around who are more flexible and supportive. And if she's unable to understand that now, then she isn't really meeting those needs.



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    To play devil's advocate:

    You said you used to cancel all of the time, the two of you got in a big fight over it, and that was last fall.  You also say that you haven't made any plans with anyone for 3-4 months for various reasons, and that your friend is from out of town.

    You haven't really had a chance to show her that you've changed.  Last fall wasn't that long ago, and I'm guessing you probably haven't gotten together recently.  And then the one time that you guys do make plans, you cancel at the last minute.  I can kind of see where she's coming from.
     
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    Hmmm.

    Well, first off I would have called instead of texted.  I get pissy when my friends cancel via text message too.

    Second, I would just take a cooler from each other for awhile.  You guys have been friends for 22 years. 

    She does sound like a pretty needy friend though. 

    If you still want to be friends, just talk to her.  My bff and i go through phases like this sometimes too.  Tell her that you have alot going on right now and that as a good friend she should understand that.

    Maybe also really try hard to make plans and keep them with her for awhile.  Even if you are super tired.  An hour with her may go a long way.
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    I would also let it fizzle! If she makes any attempts to set up plans with you then it might be a different story.

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    I would also like to suggest that maybe the current stressors in your life are making you hyper-sensative.  Make sure that you're not projecting your frustrations on this relationship, and making more of an issue out of it than it really is. 

    Only you can tell if this friendship is one that you want to salvage, but it sounds like it's on you to do so.  If you really want to save the friendship, you're going to have to be the one to change it.
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    Nebb I'm sorry for you =(

    So sounds a lot like my past best friend.  I let things fizzle because I always felt like I was the one being understanding, making an effort, trying etc.  It was exhausting and when I started to think nasty thoughts about her I knew it was just getting to be too much.

    I'd decide if you feel writing her a long email explaining (once again) what's going on will help or simply prompt her to lash out.  I know its hard.  <hugs />
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    NebbNebb member
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    beatles - if I try to talk to her about it, she will get her back up and not talk about it, it will turn into a fight. That is what happened the last time. I was pissed about her always inviting her boyfriend, who kind of annoyed me, every time we were supposed to hang out and asked if he could not come once and expressed the desire to hang out  just with her instead of the two of them and she went crazy on me and turned it into how I always bail and that i was a horrible person and would NOT let up.

    tide - our fight was in september. We hung out quite a bit in the winter up until I got busy renovating the kitchen and then with work. We have hung out 2 or 3 times since then (one of which was at a friends wedding so we hung out all day), and I visit her at work whenever I am at the mall.

    Blue - I was at work and she was at work so I wasnt really able to call. Work was extremely hectic and I only had enough time to send off a few quick texts. I also wanted to give more than an hour or two notice of my not coming, so I sent it earlier in the day.
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    Ah - I remember that fight, now.

    It seems like you both have some unresolved issues with each other.  Since it doesn't sound like talking does anything, maybe the two of you just need some time apart to work on your own lives.  It's probably better than fighting all of the time.  If you find your way back to each other at some point, then you can start with a clean slate.  If not, then it wasn't meant to last.

     


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    NebbNebb member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:ece3ddc3-e4bd-47ae-8575-a2f43045d800">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I would also like to suggest that maybe the current stressors in your life are making you hyper-sensative.  Make sure that you're not projecting your frustrations on this relationship, and making more of an issue out of it than it really is.</strong>  Only you can tell if this friendship is one that you want to salvage, but it sounds like it's on you to do so.  If you really want to save the friendship, you're going to have to be the one to change it.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
    I like to think that I am not. All of my other friends have lent a supportive ear to my problems recently, been there for me, and not acted like I was overreacting. I have been having no issues with anyone in my RL but her recently, so I dont think its my stressors. I just feel like we arent gelling anymore, our interests  and lifestyles are completely different and we dont get eachother because of it.
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    Gotcha.

    If she has always shown this needy crap and you are tired of it, just let it fade out.  I used to be alot closer with certain friends, but people change.  You shouldnt feel bad about it.
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    Ughh I am trying to figure out how to dump a toxic friend as well. I think I am just not going to talk to her anymore.
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    NebbNebb member
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    As much as I feel uncomfortable about not talking... its not like we talk much anyways. We have never been big phone talkers since highschool and talked mostly online. Before I moved back home we would talk online 4 or 5 nights a week, for quite a while, and now she is never online so we dont really talk. The most we talk is through texts and a lot of the time she doesnt respond. Its really not going to be a huge stretch when I think about it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:b8dc87d4-36d3-4bbf-a04a-2ce685bcb2c4">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend drama (longish) : I like to think that I am not. All of my other friends have lent a supportive ear to my problems recently, been there for me, and not acted like I was overreacting. I have been having no issues with anyone in my RL but her recently, so I dont think its my stressors. <strong>I just feel like we arent gelling anymore, our interests  and lifestyles are completely different and we dont get eachother because of it.</strong>
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
    I see.  Unfortunately, sometimes that happens.  I just recently reconnected with my best friend growing up.  We didn't fight or anything, but our lives took very different roads and we grew apart.  I feel so blessed to have found her again, and now that we are both somewhat settled, we have a mature, adult relationship.

    I don't know what else to say, other than it sucks, and I'm sorry ;(
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    NebbNebb member
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    Thanks for listening either way, I think I just needed to get it off my chest.
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    Nebb- my BFF and I went through a funk for a year or so where we just didn't really talk much. She was always miserable and I got tired of it and I was always busy which bugged her. Anyways, after not having really talked or gotten together we finally came back around and things are better.
    Who knows, maybe you just need a break?
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    And now, for what you really wanted to hear:

    OMG!!!  She's SUCHABITCH!  You should totally dump her and get better friends!!!1!1!!!!
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    NebbNebb member
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    Hah thats not necessarily what I wanted to hear, just another perspective. Sometimes I can be irrational and I like to check with people to see if I am or not.
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    ggmaeggmae member
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    I'm sorry, Nebb. Drama with close friends really sucks.  I wonder if Beatles' suggestion of taking a break from one another for a bit might work. I had a falling out with my best friend/MOH for a year during college - we argued one night and that was that.  She wasn't there for me when I needed her and I felt as though she had taken me for granted for over 10 years. We didn't communicate much for that year, but I finally planned a meeting with her one day to hash things out. Turns out, she had some things going on in her life at the same time that I did (I was dealing with deployments & a death in the family.)  It was just a big miscommunication between the both of us - neither of us were talking to one another about our hardships and neither of us told the other that we needed the support.

    Is there any way that you can sit down with her and hash things out to see where you both stand with the friendship?
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    NebbNebb member
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    I dont know what good it would do, it would just turn into a pissing match about how wrong I am and all the horrible things I do - its what she did before when I brought up something that was bothering me. Its her way or the highway and she will drill her point home until you give up, and as mean as I feel saying that I think thats how she communicates in all her relationships.

    A guy she dated 6 years ago broke up with her to date another girl who had been pursuing him for a while. They werent serious, nor had they been dating very long (less than a month), and she has only just recently gotten over it and "forgiven" them.

    I dont really think talking reason will get me very far.
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    Sorry Nebb-these situations are always rough.  I understand you have been friends for a long time, however to me there is nothing worse then having friendships that are so stressful.  Maybe you just need a break from each other for a while and things will get better.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:b8dc87d4-36d3-4bbf-a04a-2ce685bcb2c4">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend drama (longish) : I like to think that I am not. All of my other friends have lent a supportive ear to my problems recently, been there for me, and not acted like I was overreacting. I have been having no issues with anyone in my RL but her recently, so I dont think its my stressors.<strong> I just feel like we arent gelling anymore, our interests  and lifestyles are completely different and we dont get eachother because of it.</strong>
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
    <p> </p><p>My BF/MOH could easily say the same thing about our relationship. Our lifestyles are very different. </p><p>She was going through a tough time over the past year, and she was blowing me off fairly frequently. I know she was crippled by anxiety and that was what was driving her behaviour- that, and she would presume that I would have fun with others regardless of whether or not she was there, I think. Having her text me at the last minute bailing out of my parties etc really hurt my feelings... not because I am clingy, nor because I didn't understand her reasoning, but because ultimately I began to feel like I was the one pulling the weight in our friendship. I understood she had emotional things going on and wanted to support her, but I felt like she would push herself for others (who were perhaps more aggressive with her in guilting her in to attending their events etc) but wouldn't do the same for me. I was really sad for awhile there because I had decided that if this kept going on this way, I couldn't allow myself to be a doormat like that. I told her how I felt about her blowing off our get-togethers, and I think it upset us both; she was defensive and upset that I wasn't cutting her more slack given her stress, and I was upset that I felt I was constantly catering to her emotions and she didn't seem to think of mine. </p><p> </p><p>Anyway... essentially, I decided that the time we'd had as friends was too long to just abandon our friendship, especially when I know we both adore each other even though we are different people. I pulled back a little and left the ball in her court to organise things she was comfortable with. She did, and with changing life circumstances that made her happier, we are back to being in a great place friendship wise. </p><p> </p><p>I am all for dumping toxic friends who drain you; constant negativity is never a good thing. That said, is your friend that type of person? If not, perhaps it's worth taking a step back and re-evaluating, rather than throwing your friendship away completely.</p>
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    Wow, sorry for the novel length reply! But I feel like my situation was rather similar to yours, but I was on the other side (and I remember you giving me advice at the time which helped me see things from her side and aided in my evaluating what to do, so I wanted to return the favour!).

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    PiruPiru member
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    She sounds pretty immature what with the silent treatment and major grudge holding and all.

    I have laid into a good friend for consistently being late if I was lucky and canceling a lot of the time. We resolved it though and it didn't explode. I just left her a message saying I didn't appreciate it and she needed to shape up. And for the most part, she did.

    If you aren't geliing anymore you may just not be able to be good friend anymore. I wouldn't cut off ties completely but give it time to see if she comes to her senses and if not, move on. Sorry :(
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    Hoenstly, I can see why she'd be mad, because my best friend is the same way. If I call her, she'll talk for a few minutes then say she has to go and will call me back that night, or in a few minutes. It will be 2 weeks before she bothers to call back. I'll come into town and let her know in advance so we can hang out, she won't answer her phone and then will say how sad she is to have missed me.

    It's at the point now to where it doesn't matter if she has a good excuse, I'm just over it. I decided that if she wants to talk or meet up, she can call me. Maybe that's the point your friend has reached. But that doesn't mean you should give up on her. I've known my best friend for 18 years or so, we used to be stepsisters and I'd do anything for her. Her behavior really annoys me, but in the end I love her to death.

    However, it comes down to what you said at the end, that you don't feel that connection anymore. If you aren't as close as you used to be, then I wouldn't worry so much about it. The silent treatment and all is just immature, plus you tried to make peace and she ignored you, that says it all.
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    NebbNebb member
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    1) I havnt bailed in over 8 months the way I used to, this past friday was the first time in AGES that I have done that.
    2) she never asks me to do anything or makes plans, and never initiates any conversation, its always me.
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    Oh, I know you said you hadn't bailed in awhile, I was just saying that because you used to, she probably still harbors resentment and anger. I'm kind of the same way. My best friend does it so often that even if she's been really good about calling back lately, the next time she cancels annoys me more than if it were someone else. It doesn't mean it's right, but I always end up feeling that way. So maybe she's holding a grudge, and unfortunately if she's not willing to let it go then there's not much you can do.

    As for not making plans, I must have missed that part. If you're always the one making the effort then you have every right to be irritated. It sucks being the one to always call and make plans only to have them throw it back in your face. She sounds a little immature and you don't need that kind of stress. So maybe just let it lie for now and see if she cools off.

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    I think you just need to evaluate your friendship with her. What do you get out of the friendship? What do you like about her? What do you like to talk about with her? Do you value her opinion/perspective on things? What are your favorite things to do with her?What makes her a good friend?

    If you have trouble answering these questions, she may just not may that good of a friend afterall. Sometimes people change and drift apart and it sucks, but the friendship had already dissolved so much.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:bba65e5f-1f56-4f3d-b925-ed1abab6ac6b">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]To play devil's advocate: You said you used to cancel all of the time, the two of you got in a big fight over it, and that was last fall.  You also say that you haven't made any plans with anyone for 3-4 months for various reasons, and that your friend is from out of town. <strong>You haven't really had a chance to show her that you've changed.</strong>  Last fall wasn't that long ago, and I'm guessing you probably haven't gotten together recently.  And then the one time that you guys do make plans, you cancel at the last minute.  I can kind of see where she's coming from.  
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    This is along the lines of what I was thinking too.  My best friend is a notorious plan-canceller, so I identify with your friend on this issue.  She really shouldn't have blown up as badly as she did though.  Not everyone cheers up and gets destressed by going out with friends, sometimes you just have to stay home and get into PJ's at 5:30. 
    If you give her another week or so to calm down and then call her (not text. call) and apologize for breaking plans with her and explain that work has you stressed out and that just wasn't a good night for you.  Then try to make concrete plans to do something, just the two of you (and you must keep these plans).
    If you'd rather just let the friendship go, I think if you cut off all contact with her, she'll get the hint.  You don't necessarily have to tell her "I'm ending this friendship, see ya".  In the long run, you might really miss her and regret it.
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    LabrnrLabrnr member
    First Comment
    Just a word of advice from the other side.

    I have a friend who is exactly what you explained, she would make plans or say she was coming to something for sure and not show up al lthe time.

    It is extremely annoying, and makes you feel that your friendship doesn't mean that much to her.

    I'm sure your friend has been harbouring her feelings for a long long time, and maybe felt that she was letting the friendship fizzle because you hadn't even tried to make plans for so long.  Now you do after 4 months, she is excited and decides to giver you one last chance...bam, you cancel.  She loses it, and won't forgive you.  I understand her pain, I think you should to.  Give her some room, maybe send her a letter apologizing and explainging your feelings.  Don't try to make up by making more plans, she for sure doesen't trust you anymore.
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