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Best friend drama (longish)

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Re: Best friend drama (longish)

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    NebbNebb member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    To be quite honest, I dont think I have anything to apologize for. I did say sorry for cancelling and did my best to explain why. We have gotten along fine for a while now, without me bailing. It is completely unfair to hold something in the past against me and the second I do it one day in the future despite advanced notice and an apology, to go on the attack because I did it before. Am I supposed to walk on eggshells forever with the fear that she will lose it if I have to cancel plans, ever?
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    Nebb,
    It sounds like this friendship may have run its course, judging by everything you've put here.  She doesn't seem all too interested in your life, or in sharing hers with you, so maybe it's time to just let it fizzle out.  No big dramatics or anything, just kind of let it go.  You've done your part in asking her to come out with you this week so the ball is in her court.  Leave it there and see what happens.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:3e9b5be2-bb3d-477c-af02-1f1e8dd536c2">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]beatles - if I try to talk to her about it, she will get her back up and not talk about it, it will turn into a fight. Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

    I don't even get this?  She will get her backup? 

    I think you should have followed up your text with a phone call after work.  You couldn't have been that exhausted that you didn't want to talk at all.  Or like Blue said "an hour goes a long way"  I can't stand cancellers.  That's my opinion and I am not afraid to end a relationship with a canceller.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    HI Nebb--sounds like you're really stressed right now, in the general life sense.  I hope your mood etc is ok.  Sounds like you might need to just walk away from this friend for awhile.  As betrothed said, the ball is in her court.  You've done what you can.  I'd probably not "end" the friendship as it is right now.  Possibly you both just need a little bit of time.

    Sorry that happened to you.  That sucks.
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    NebbNebb member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:f007512e-d7e1-4d7f-bfb4-47c511f6a801">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend drama (longish) :<strong> I don't even get this?  She will get her backup?</strong>  I think you should have followed up your text with a phone call after work.  You couldn't have been that exhausted that you didn't want to talk at all.  Or like Blue said "an hour goes a long way"  I can't stand cancellers.  That's my opinion and I am not afraid to end a relationship with a canceller.
    Posted by chuygrl77[/QUOTE]

    How can I explain that any more times, have you not read what I have written. Do you not know what that phrase means?

    The fact of the matter is that im extremely busy and extremely stressed because of work, and I have explained that AT LENGTH to her and she does not understand it. She works in a customer service position in a store and the demands of her job are very different than the demands of mine. She has made off hand comments that im just over reacting when I explain why im stressed, proving she just doesnt get it. How do you know how tired I was after work or what I had going on. Its irrelevant.
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    edited June 2010
    Hey Nebb...

    So I have read most of the responses here (not all, I read it first this morning and didn't respond because I thought maybe the thread was dead)...but I figure that if you are still reading it I might as well respond.

    You canceled on her. Things happen. Friends should get that. I know what some PP have said about your having canceling in the past and I get that, it can be frustrating but really, a good friend should get that if you have had a brutal day and it doesn't work then that's life. I also get what you are saying about the fact that you feel like your job has different stressors (or more maybe) than hers.

    I just re-read your OP and looked at the questions you asked, about how do you end a friendship and then the other post where you quoted this: I just feel like we arent gelling anymore, our interests  and lifestyles are completely different and we dont get eachother because of it.

    Honestly, I feel like we are going through the exact same thing as I am struggling with a similar situation with a friend I have had for about 12 years.  We have pretty much 'broken up' and while it sucks, it does seem like the right thing for us RIGHT NOW. I guess all I am saying is that you can let the friendship die right now but it doesn't mean it is dead and gone, it could be resurrected in the future (I think some PPs have said this too...).  

    If your relationship with this friend is anything like mine, it goes something like this: You were close friends, but as life has it, you got busy, she got busy, things happened, you didn't see each other as much, which seemed fine, but seems as though over time resentment about this brewed, more for your friend than for you, that resentment is affecting how she responds to your and your needs, concerns, issues, which makes you frustrated, so you tend to pull back and spend even less time with her, which in turn brews more resentment and bad feelings. Now the relationship is so laden with drama that it doesn't seem worth the fight, esp because she doesn't seem all that interested in solving the problem either.

    This is where I am with my friend. In the past year I have also had challenges with my BF/MOH that were similar. Here was the difference between the two situations: Both BF/MOH and I really wanted to fight to save the relationship so we did, we discussed our issues, got over it, moved on and are now stronger for it. With the other friend, we aren't there (yet). We aren't speaking and while I will be inviting her to the wedding (at one point she was in the WP, I didn't kick her out, she had to drop out when her brother decided he had to have his wedding the same day as ours, which was fine with me, she was just going to come to the reception later on)...but I doubt that she will come to the wedding at all and she has ignored MOH's questions about my shower in August. I am fine with the status quo. 

    Here is how I approached it: We had a blow up (similar to yours actually, if you want to hear the story, let me know, I think it is awesome) I explained that clearly there were deeper issues at work (which I would think there are in your relationship too) and that I was willing to discuss them with her. She said she wasn't ready. I told her when she was she could let me know. That was in early May. No word since. Ball is in her court.

    I guess the biggest question you have to deal with is: is the friendship worth fighting for or not. I have faced both this year and it has been a challenge but I think I approached both of them the right way.

    Sorry so long. I have to add though, that I can't believe I am dealing with this kind of drama in my 30s, I thought it would be over after grade 8!

    Hope you figure this all out...

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    NebbNebb member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friend-drama-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9fb72f1e-8232-4686-9b1c-efeabf45acadPost:7f4e927c-9139-4377-9eda-e5899ad0b1ef">Re: Best friend drama (longish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey Nebb... So I have read most of the responses here (not all, I read it first this morning and didn't respond because I thought maybe the thread was dead)...but I figure that if you are still reading it I might as well respond. You canceled on her. Things happen. Friends should get that. I know what some PP have said about your having canceling in the past and I get that, it can be frustrating but really, a good friend should get that if you have had a brutal day and it doesn't work then that's life. I also get what you are saying about the fact that you feel like your job has different stressors (or more maybe) than hers. I just re-read your OP and looked at the questions you asked, about how do you end a friendship and then the other post where you quoted this:  I just feel like we arent gelling anymore, our interests  and lifestyles are completely different and we dont get eachother because of it. Honestly, I feel like we are going through the exact same thing as I am struggling with a similar situation with a friend I have had for about 12 years.  We have pretty much 'broken up' and while it sucks, it does seem like the right thing for us RIGHT NOW. I guess all I am saying is that you can let the friendship die right now but it doesn't mean it is dead and gone, it could be resurrected in the future (I think some PPs have said this too...).   If your relationship with this friend is anything like mine, it goes something like this: <strong>You were close friends, but as life has it, you got busy, she got busy, things happened, you didn't see each other as much, which seemed fine, but seems as though over time resentment about this brewed, more for your friend than for you, that resentment is affecting how she responds to your and your needs, concerns, issues, which makes you frustrated, so you tend to pull back and spend even less time with her, which in turn brews more resentment and bad feelings. Now the relationship is so laden with drama that it doesn't seem worth the fight, esp because she doesn't seem all that interested in solving the problem either</strong>. This is where I am with my friend. In the past year I have also had challenges with my BF/MOH that were similar. Here was the difference between the two situations: Both BF/MOH and I really wanted to fight to save the relationship so we did, we discussed our issues, got over it, moved on and are now stronger for it. With the other friend, we aren't there (yet). We aren't speaking and while I will be inviting her to the wedding (at one point she was in the WP, I didn't kick her out, she had to drop out when her brother decided he had to have his wedding the same day as ours, which was fine with me, she was just going to come to the reception later on)...but I doubt that she will come to the wedding at all and she has ignored MOH's questions about my shower in August. I am fine with the status quo.  Here is how I approached it: We had a blow up (similar to yours actually, if you want to hear the story, let me know, I think it is awesome) I explained that clearly there were deeper issues at work (which I would think there are in your relationship too) and that I was willing to discuss them with her. She said she wasn't ready. I told her when she was she could let me know. That was in early May. No word since. Ball is in her court. I guess the biggest question you have to deal with is: is the friendship worth fighting for or not. I have faced both this year and it has been a challenge but I think I approached both of them the right way. Sorry so long. I have to add though, that I can't believe I am dealing with this kind of drama in my 30s, I thought it would be over after grade 8! Hope you figure this all out...
    Posted by number55[/QUOTE]
    I dont think you could be more right. I think the big difference between us is I am not letting past behavior affect how I feel NOW as much as she is. My not making plans or cancelling has absolutely NOTHING to do with her, its entirely me and whats going on in my life, but her reactions to things I do/say is not helping to warm me up to the idea of trying harder. I thought, after our last blow up when we got a lot off our chests, that the issue was finished - it apparently isnt. I am not one to rehash old fights over and over again, and I feel like im just stuck in a bad relationship.

    If you want to tell your story, please do! Its a big help  hearing (in depth) how youre handling it).
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