fmil

kellyjohnson527

I need advice/grounding.  My fmil is great, BUT my wedding is making her crazy.  She has very traditional attitudes about our wedding, ie. she said that she thinks my parents are responsible to pay for the entire wedding, and that she thinks she should pay for the reh. dinner.  For one, I totally disagree with her, and I think that the only people responsible for paying for our wedding is my fiance and I.

Anyway, it's nice that she wants to pay for the reh. dinner, but since it's our wedding, we'd like to have our reh. dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.  My fiance told his mom where we want the reh. dinner, but she told us that it's too expensive.  She's not poor, but since it's her money, I respect her right to do what she wants with it.  She then told us that she's been asking his sister and her friends where she should have the reh. dinner, and didn't ask us for any input which I find kinda funny since it's our wedding.

Do you think it's innapropriate for us to tell her thank you, but since we want the reh. dinner at that restaurant that we're fine pitching in/paying ourselves?

Also, she's really hell bent on us having a few elements at our wedding that we don't care about that much.  She's kinda trying to shove it down our throats by saying she'll pay for it, but since it's not really what we want.  My attitude is that if she's willing to put any money toward our wedding, I'd rather be able to use it for stuff we actually want.  Am I out of line on this, or should I just let her do what she wants?

I'm just feeling overwhelmed and appreciate anyone else's thoughts.

Thanks, ladies!

kellyjohnson527

actually I think a marching band is a great idea, haha! I wish that's what she wanted.  She wants a cigar roller and she wants us to get married in the church that she's choosing, even though neither of us are really that into it.

acaponi87

Sounds like my MIL.

Choose your battles. I'd put my foot down on location of the ceremony over rehearsal dinner. We got tons of pressure to get married in a church..both of us were uncomfortable with that and we had to fight for that (Both sets of parents were contributing some money). The rehearsal dinner is probably not a hill worth dying on. Maybe you can contribute offer some money so you can have it at the location you want?

As for other "little" stuff, I'd make sure your FI is backing you. My MIL tried to get a lot of stuff done her way by paying for it. Some things I didn't care about and let her go to town on (like centerpieces). But if my FMIL was trying to get a cigar roller (wtf?) at my wedding I'd make sure my FI was telling her hell no.

mehgank

acap - what's funny is my H & I would have loved to have had a cigar roller at our wedding, but my H and his dad are both into cigars, so it would have made sense. I don't see it as a big deal, OP, but like acap mentioned, bring it up to your FI and see if he'd like that. I mean, really, what is it hurting? Especially if your MIL is paying for it.

LetsHikeToday

I know this might sound stupid to some but where our rehearsal dinner was, was important to us. We wanted it at a pretty famous Pittsburgh sandwich shop to share with our out of town guests.

If you want to pay for it yourself, I don't see a problem with politely turning them down. Maybe your fiance can talk to her about it so you don't have to be in the middle.

pink34562000

My FMIL read a book on weddings. She followed this book exactly and said that, "according to this book, she is responsible for the rehearsal dinner only and will not put any money towards the wedding. And, it is my parents responsibility to pay for the wedding." We were fine by her generous gesture of hosting the rehearsal dinner and never expected anyone including both of our parents to pay for the wedding. 

Then, she wanted me to help her with the rehearsal dinner by suggesting local places. I was more than happy to help her. I asked her budget, so I can find restaurants within her budget. However, she declined to give me a figure. So, I gave her prices and menus ranging from all different price points. My FMIL said that everything was too expensive. (Including the restaurant that was $12 a person and a byob.) Then, I told her that list was every restaurant in the local area that doesn't offer fast food. On the other hand, I was more than happy to have it at a McDonalds or an Arbys. (I never asked for her to host the rehearsal dinner; it was something that this book suggested to her.) She isn't poor either, but just very frugal with her money, which is probably why they have money.  

Afterwards, she decided on a very nice Italian restaurant on this list that I gave her. And arranged everything such as the menu, customized invitations, ordered elaborate centerpieces etc.

It was very kind of her to host an evening for us. We really appreciate it. I told her that she didn't have to run anything by me and this was her event. This made her very happy because she wanted to be part of the wedding planning process. 

That is my story... I just let my FMIL host the entire rehearsal dinner even if it was at a McDonalds. It's your decision if you tell your FMIL that she can host the rehearsal dinner. It may make her feel like that she contributed to your wedding and had a important role in it. It didn't matter to me where the rehersal dinner was located as long as my FI and I had full control over our wedding. In our case, this worked out. However if you believe, she may want more say in your wedding, then, maybe you should host the rehearsal dinner.

brilibby4

If it is important to you, I see no problem with you and fiance paying for everything yourself.  However, I agree with those who said you should pick your battles.  You certainly don't have to give up anything that is important to you but it wouldn't hurt to compromise on a few things to keep the peace in your family.

mbuckley85

Sounds like my FMIL.  Pick your battles, yes, but if you really want it at the place you want it than as long as you pay, its fine.  

FI's parents tend to throw money at us to try to influence our decisions.  It is very frustrating.  

KelsieMarcus24

I feel your pain!  My Fmil is very traditional in stuff like that, where I was raised in a very gender equal household.  She thinks my parents should foot the whole bill, and she continues to invite everyone she knows.  My advice is to smile and make sure you fiance does the talking when it comes to standing up to her.  I also agree that you should pick your battles.  For example, I'm letting my fmil do all the decorating, but I refuse to budge on when it comes to only inviting adults.  Good luck!

traybay88

I completely understand - as my FMIL is driving me crazy!! i mean absolutely crazy. **if you want you can read my rant in Chit chat about her** 

BUT - i let her handle the whole rehearsal dinner because she wanted to do it. everything that is happening for the rehearsal dinner is her choice, menu, drinks, place, everything. BTW our rehearsal dinner will be a black tie affair and nicer then our wedding. which you now what, is completely fine --> its not the wedding and our wedding will reflect FI & i and the rehearsal dinner will be all her.  

arendiva

I'm somewhat particular about my actual wedding and reception. I really want it to represent my fiance and I. His mother is very opinionated. My comprimise is I'm just giving her the rehersal dinner. She can do whatever she wants with it. I don't even want her to consult me. I'm gonna let her run with it with the hopes that it will make her less intrusive with the real events.