how close is too close

bonitarican78

My FI & i got engaged x-mas 2008 and set the date for our wedding 10/03/10.  We put a down payment on a hall and are starting to get things together for our wedding.  Frustration is setting in.  His sister got engaged 01/01/10 and is now planning to be married either in July 2010 (which she thinks is too hard to pull together and probably will not be done in that month) or Nov. 2010.  As soon as I heard this I got annoyed.  I have been trying to deal with my discomfort but I decided to mention my concerns to my fiance.  I told him I thought it was unfair to us that she have the wedding so close to ours and inconsiderate to her family since they will be going to 2 bridal showers and 2 weddings which can be kind of expensive.  Also, her parents will be splitting money between both couples for the wedding.  When he mentioned it to her she almost started crying.  She's a nice girl and that is not what I wanted.  I think my inner bridezilla kicked in and I just want this to be MY day and I don't want her plans interfering.  Is Nov. too close or am I being to sensitive?  Would 3 months or more between weddings be better for all concerned?

kimheartsscott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:537247ed-8522-45da-bc69-0ab486b5a80c">how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE] I think my inner bridezilla kicked in and I just want this to be MY <strong>day</strong> and I don't want her plans interfering.  Is Nov. too close or am I being to sensitive?  Would 3 months or more between weddings be better for all concerned?
Posted by bonitarican78[/QUOTE]

Day.  Not month.  Not three months.  DAY.  You are being way too sensitive.  If you are really this freaked out, you need to move your wedding date.  Otherwise, get over it. 

Also, it in no way sounds like she did this on purpose to upset you.  You really shouldn't have turned around and upset her like that.

jennyp08

Ditto to what Kim said.  My FI's step sister just got engaged in December, her wedding is THIS MARCH.. lol I'm sure others will end up getting married before FI and I do next March.  I can't imagine telling someone I cared about to put off their marriage just so my FI's parents can cough up enough cash, devote more time to my wedding, etc.

If you are uncomfortable, you move your date.  Otherwise, don't be so sensitive.  Your wedding day shouldn't dictate when another couple is allowed to get married.  Just relax, enjoy planning the wedding, and enjoy having another marriage in the family--its reason to celebrate, not to stress out!  At least you have someone close to you to bounce ideas off of, to share your enthusiasm, etc.  

akhensley81

I agree... you're being too sensitive. I understand your concerns for the family members having to attend two showers, weddings, etc. - all you can really say is "oh well" and hope for the best.

My brother's wedding is in June... mine is in August. 12 weeks apart to the day, as my mother pointed out. Everyone involved is cool with it... it's never once been an issue.

baystateapple

My FBIL's wedding is in September.  Ours is in November.  There aren't any hard feelings on our part, or (hopefully) on theirs.  Why should anyone have to put their lives on hold for anyone else?  It's not like their wedding is the day before yours.  Chill out.  And if it's a money issue, either pay for your wedding yourselves (that's what we're doing) or move the wedding date if it's such an issue.  Don't expect them to do it.

number55

You are being too sensitive. I understand why this is an issue for people, because of OOT guests and people maybe having to chose between weddings, but your wedding day will not crumble because because another wedding is the same month...

About a month after my FI and I announced our date, the brother of one of my BMs decided that he and his FI HAD to get married on the same day as us even though they had been engaged for many months and knew that his sister was to be a BM at the wedding on the same day. It was annoying and kinda rude but it certainly wasn't the end of the world. Needless to say, that BM can't be a BM anymore since she can't make it to the ceremony, but she and her husband are still going to come to the reception after she attends her bro's wedding ceremony (her choice, not mine, I told her she was under no pressure to come to our wedding at all). We all got over it and have moved on...you will too...

I really believe that issues like these only 'ruin' your wedding if you LET THEM.  You chose your attitude in terms of how you react to these glitches. If you make them into a huge deal, YOU will be ruining your day. If you chose to get over them, then by the day of, you will have forgotten there were ever any issues to begin with!

MissRoo

I understand where you are coming from. It's your big day and you want to be able to schedule your shower and other activities when you want them, not around her. I am sure you want the focus to remain on you as well. I would just be happy that she is planning her wedding AFTER yours. If she did it a month before yours then I would be upset.

krmabojo

If she is smart, she will pick any day but the DAY you get married.

HappyTummy613

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:681a0979-5fe3-449f-b4cc-4b1c5121c757">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand how you feel.  FI and I got engaged May of 2008 and set our date for Oct 2010.  In the months following our engagement, FIVE other couples who are friends or family decided to get engaged, and they all set their dates before ours.  Posted by mef1183[/QUOTE]

Well, this sort of thing tends to happen when your engagement is two and a half years long.

buddhagouda

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:e079747f-9bdb-4130-83d8-de24a54fdd11">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : Well, this sort of thing tends to happen when your engagement is two and a half years long.
Posted by HappyTummy613[/QUOTE]

<div>Obviously, they are supposed to respect her day and wait five years. DUH. </div>

Liz4444

i read your post twice, i still have no idea what your legitimate issue is.

the only problem i see is that you had your fiance say something completely irrational and made this poor girl cry.  you need to apologize to her immediately.

mef1183

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:9eda66e6-a999-4ac0-8c65-6e3694c493a3">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : Obviously, they are supposed to respect her day and wait five years. DUH. 
Posted by buddhagouda[/QUOTE]

Sorry... I left out the fact that I got knocked up and didn't want to be a preggers bride.

elyse.mike

OP, I definitely think you're looking at this the wrong way (and I agree that you probably owe your FSIL an apology). PP's are right, you only get a day. I think you need to start looking at it more positively like, "now I have someone that I can talk about all the wedding stuff with that no one else wants to hear".  Me and FI got engaged a few days before Christmas, our date is also in Oct. 2010. Two friends of ours were engaged new year's day and their date is in July 2010 . . no biggie. Now when I get to see this friend we like to update each other w/ wedding plans b/c we're both going through it together. It's fun. My non-engaged friends would probably punch me in the face if I went on about my wedding to them. Enjoy your engagement and let your FSIL enjoy hers.

suz62984

Like so many others have said you are overreacting! Calm down, take a breathe, and apologize. You get 1 day and then its over. If you are worried about the showers and such then that is not for you to worry about. People will be able to budget, plan ahead, whatever for gifts and travel expenses. Your guests are not idiots; they will be able to plan ahead to attend both the weddings.

duckie1905

You made her cry?  Wow, you are a piece of work.

Apologize immediately.  She did nothing wrong.  You get ONE DAY.  That's it.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:537247ed-8522-45da-bc69-0ab486b5a80c">how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI & i got engaged x-mas 2008 and set the date for our wedding 10/03/10.  We put a down payment on a hall and are starting to get things together for our wedding.  Frustration is setting in.  His sister got engaged 01/01/10 and is now planning to be married either in July 2010 (which she thinks is too hard to pull together and probably will not be done in that month) or Nov. 2010.  As soon as I heard this I got annoyed.  I have been trying to deal with my discomfort but I decided to mention my concerns to my fiance.  I told him I thought it was unfair to us that she have the wedding so close to ours and inconsiderate to her family since they will be going to 2 bridal showers and 2 weddings which can be kind of expensive.  Also, her parents will be splitting money between both couples for the wedding.  When he mentioned it to her she almost started crying.  She's a nice girl and that is not what I wanted.  I think my inner bridezilla kicked in and I just want this to be MY day and I don't want her plans interfering.  Is Nov. too close or am I being to sensitive?  Would 3 months or more between weddings be better for all concerned?
Posted by bonitarican78[/QUOTE]

JIC

SarahPLiz

She can be insensitive to her family if she wants to, but you don't get a whole year, just one day. Your FI told her about the concerns and now its up to her as a grownup to weigh her options and do what she thinks is best. MYOB

FWIW, my cousin is set to be married a month before me. We talked about it like civilized adults and both realize that a lot of family won't travel for both. No one cried.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:113cd166-0f2c-46ed-a59e-35e6ce3b59e0">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : Sorry... I left out the fact that I got knocked up and didn't want to be a preggers bride.
Posted by mef1183[/QUOTE]

"preggers" is the same number of letters and syllables as "pregnant". Why not use the correct word.

Also, your friends are not in charge of your ferility. Its your fault your engagement was so long, not the other couples, so they can set their date any time they want to. You should be happy that they are learning from your mishaps.

HappyTummy613

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:113cd166-0f2c-46ed-a59e-35e6ce3b59e0">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : Sorry... I left out the fact that I got knocked up and didn't want to be a preggers bride.
Posted by mef1183[/QUOTE]

I don't understand why this is relevant.

papermate

I kinda get it but yeah, move your date if you're that concerned. I would think if you get along with her fine, you girls could probably end up planning stuff together? I would have loved to have a bride buddy that is a nice girl like you said. 

And don't make it a competition between you two. That's just disastrous. I would apologize to her, ask her if you guys could start with a clean slate and not make her cry. If you don't apologize, you've just set the tone for the rest of the planning... and it's not a good one. 

 

 

Blueyed228

I went to 6 wedding between Sept and Nov.  It wasnt a big deal.  It was expensive for us, but we didnt have to go to all of them.  Its a popular time of year for weddings.  Especially in New Englad when the fall is so beautiful.

I think you over-reacted and should apologize to her.  We are all going to have moments of insanity during this process, but keep the flip-outs to yourself.  She have every right to be just as excited about her wedding as you do about yours.  In a way, you kind of took that away from her. Apologize, mean it, and move on.  Be supportive of each other.  PP's are right when they say you get a day, not a month or even a year.

mef1183

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:fb9e95f4-effc-42b2-9203-d7af85c1ef4e">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : "preggers" is the same number of letters and syllables as "pregnant". Why not use the correct word. Also, your friends are not in charge of your ferility. Its your fault your engagement was so long, not the other couples, so they can set their date any time they want to. You should be happy that they are learning from your mishaps.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I think preggers is a funny word, I chose to use it... deal.

I don't consider my child a mishap, and neither do my friends, thanks.  I don't think I'm at "fault" either for having a long engagement.  I was just trying to relate to the OP... clearly that was my mistake.

Bubbalub

OP, you are being selfish and overreacting. Not only about your "day" being ruined, but about the idea that your FI's family will have to split their finances between the two weddings. That just makes you sound greedy and self-absorbed.

Apologize, both you and your FI, to that poor girl and get over yourself.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:537247ed-8522-45da-bc69-0ab486b5a80c">how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]  I told him I thought it was unfair to us that she have the wedding so close to ours and inconsiderate to her family since they will be going to 2 bridal showers and 2 weddings which can be kind of expensive.  Also, her parents will be splitting money between both couples for the wedding.  When he mentioned it to her she almost started crying. 
Posted by bonitarican78[/QUOTE]

Wow, you guys are jerks. She's all excited about being engaged and getting to plan a wedding, and <strong>you</strong> decide that since it's cramping your style to essentially make her feel bad about it? How would you feel if one of your siblings came up to you while you were engaged and said "Listen, I know you're excited, but I was engaged first, so just put this wedding-nonsense out of your head until <strong>after</strong> my wedding"? My guess is you'd be pretty upset.

You both owe her an apology. I know your FI's the one who said it, but I have a feeling he would have let this one go if you didn't complain.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:845a4226-cc40-4404-a7db-a9f434eb347a">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how close is too close : I think preggers is a funny word, I chose to use it... deal. I don't consider my child a mishap, and neither do my friends, thanks.  I don't think I'm at "fault" either for having a long engagement.  I was just trying to relate to the OP... clearly that was my mistake.
Posted by mef1183[/QUOTE]

WHile relating to the OP, you gave me the sense that you were initally jealous of your friends and their shorter engagements. I was just pointing out that it was your choice to have a long engagement, not theirs, so there is no reason to be jealous or create a competition out of your weddings. That seems a bit childish to me.

And I didn't say your kid was a mishap. You made it sound unplanned. My bad if it wasn't.

bonitarican78

well, I definitely picked the right place for this post.  Snarky indeed.  I was only asking for advise, not a set down.  Thank you for your advise.  I will not say another word on the topic to either my fiance or his sister. 

In case your worried about her, she is fine with both my FI and I.  She is not upset in the least.  She did not cry, only sounded like she was going to cry and he says she is very sensitive and will cry over anything.  And I have talked to her since and we have no other issues. 

Glad to have provided such fodder for your posts.

e_uecker

Really? My FI's sister is getting married in March. His cousin will be getting married in May. Our wedding date is in June. I did not care one bit. I don't own the year 2010! I think you being upset is insane!

golden1215

My FI and I have been engaged for over 2 years now but never set a date due to my pregnancy, rough post-partum, moving to a different state, starting a new job, finishing up school etc etc.... well one of my bffs got engaged just a few months ago and set her wedding for Labor Day 2010.  As luck would have it, we came into some money recently so we are finally having our wedding as well.  It was between late August- right before her wedding- or mid Sept- right after her wedding.  I asked when was better for her- to attend mine as a guest- and so I'm getting married exactly 2 weks after her.

Not sure if she is bothered by it, if she is she hasnt said anything, and in the end it just has to do with living in the midwest only leaves so many options for when you can have an outdoor wedding- which we are (she is not). 

I wouldnt take offense to her having her wedding close at all and, like others said, you dont own the season/month/week... you own the day!

It does kind of suck for your families to afford 2 weddings but people are grown ups and will budget and afford/give gifts as they see fit.

LoveBugBaby

Wow, some of you are incredibly rude and disrespectful.  She only came here for advice, not to be ripped to shreds.  Where are the moderators in these boards when people get out of line? 

I understand where bonitarican78  is coming from to a certain extent.   It's tough and inconsiderate on a family to have two weddings so incredibly close together - like she said, you're then expecting a lot of the same people to do double shower gifts and double wedding gifts in a short amount of time.  While I agree that yes, she is only entitled to one day of the year, you would think her FI's sister would hold some consideration to the fact that their family will be doing double the work!  I can see why she'd be a little upet about this.

Either way, I hope you got things fixed between you and your future SIL, just try to focus on YOUR day.  I'm sure she's gotten the hint now

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_close-close?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b6bbfd8c-1595-462f-a459-ee32445c77e6Post:7a5cdf6f-c6d7-4686-8902-3b5c4dfd5740">Re: how close is too close</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, some of you are incredibly rude and disrespectful.  She only came here for advice, not to be ripped to shreds.  Where are the moderators in these boards when people get out of line?  I understand where  bonitarican78  is coming from to a certain extent.   <u><strong>It's tough and inconsiderate on a family to have two weddings so incredibly close together</strong></u> - like she said, you're then expecting a lot of the same people to do double shower gifts and double wedding gifts in a short amount of time.  While I agree that yes, she is only entitled to one day of the year, you would think her FI's sister would hold some consideration to the fact that their family will be doing double the work!  I can see why she'd be a little upet about this. Either way, I hope you got things fixed between you and your future SIL, just try to focus on YOUR day.  I'm sure she's gotten the hint now ;)
Posted by LindsyLove[/QUOTE]

How long is her FSIL supposed to wait to start planning her own wedding?  OP got engaged in 2008.  She will have been engaged almost 2 years by the time she gets married.  A month in between is plenty of time.  People get engaged and set wedding dates.  Other people need to get over it.  What would be a good distance in your eyes?  2 months? 3? A different season perhaps?  The rest of the world does not stop just because you are getting married.

As far as constraints on family members--its their choice to attend a wedding or not.  And no one is required to give gifts.  I went to 5 bridal showers, 5 weddings, and 4 baby showers within a 4 month period.  Its really not a big deal.  I didnt have to go to all of them, I wanted to.

To make someone else feel bad about making decisions for their own life is what I find rude and inconsiderate.  To make a bride cry about having a wedding is childish.  And to put drama into her FI's family life may eventually backfire.  She can have her wedding the day before if she wants.  You only get one day.  That is what people are trying to explain.  Is she going to feel the same way if god forbid someone gets pregnant during her pregnancy?  Or buys a house the same time she does?

Jessie888

 She's getting married!!! You should be super excited!! My MOH got engaged a week after I did. Her wedding is planned for July and mine is planned for september. I was so happy for her and even though our year is going to be crazy with each other's weddings... we get to plan it all together!!

People go to more than one shower, wedding, party...etc in one year. I am sure guests can handle you two getting married in the same year. 

Your day will be your day! And everyone will be looking at you and your husband!! so dont worry, nobody is going to step into your light. Try to have fun planning with her. Its easier to be happy than to be angry! Good luck!!