Pre-wedding Parties

Nobody has offered :(

My fiance and I are getting married on 1/2/10, and nobody has offered to throw a shower. My bridesmaids are too busy and live too far away so I know they won't do it..I didn't think I would care, I have been so busy with school that I haven't really been able to enjoy any of the wedding planning. Not having a shower kinda makes me feel sad, because I feel like it is the one part of the experience I could actually enjoy..I don't think it is appropriate for me to ask someone to do it, but what do I do? :'(
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Re: Nobody has offered :(

  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    talk to your mom.
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, it would be inappropriate to ask anyone, even your mom, to throw you a shower. It sucks, but you just have to live with it. Someone still might, but if you don't get a shower, it really isn't the end of the world.
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    bull!  talk to your mother...she might be aware of something you're not...and if nothing is being planned if she's willing (and i really don't know what mother wouldn't be) she can pay and list have responses go to one of the bridesmaids.
  • edited December 2011
    No. Not only is it selfish to put your mother in a position where she feels like she now has to pay for a shower, this would make a BM who couldn't throw a shower feel awful about it, and feel like you are making a big deal about it. Don't feel bad about it. In our crazy world, it's hard for our friends to find the time to throw us parties, and even harder to find the money. It doesn't mean they don't love you, or they don't care. The most important thing is that at the end of the day, you will get to marry the man of your dreams. Just focus on that.
  • edited December 2011
    talk to your mom.What's she going to do, scold the bridesmaids? It's still tacky to have your mom throw a shower.
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  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    betcha all these people who say....ooooh, don't talk to your mom (and i said talk to her...not demand a shower... i also said nothing about "scolding her bridesmaids") are having showers....and this doesn't even apply to them!
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    she's less than 2 months away...it is understandable that she would be a little nervous...jeez, people have a heart already and quit being soooo judgmental...and while you're at it...try being thankful for what you've had the fortune, through no effort on your own part, to be given!
  • edited December 2011
    No one is being judgmental.  If you'll look at the OP, you'll see that she realizes it is inappropriate to ask for a shower, and actually never asked about doing that anyway. You gave her very poor advice, and a lot of people are showing up to explain why your advice is so bad. 
  • JeanenneWJeanenneW member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it is appropriate for anyone in my family to host the shower & will not ask any of them to do so... I don't even care about the gifts!!! I really don't! The ONLY reason I even want one is for the goofy games and bc my bridesmaids decided not to do a bachelorette party. Even though I planned one of my BM's bachelorette party in vegas, I let that slide. But c'mon, they could effin get together and brainstorm. My mom already agreed they could have it at her house but I guess they just don't care that much? For me it is really all about the experience of being a bride. And yes, I know they aren't planning anything bc only I have the guestlist.. I work & go to school full time & I can honesty say that I have not had time to enjoy ANY of the wedding planning. This I something that only happens once & because I haven't been able to really get excited about plans, I just wanted to do something pre-wedding that is FUN (and traditional) I am perfectly ok with with telling people not to bring gifts, but evidently nobody seems to care. Also frustrating because when my friends got married, it was a different story....sorry for sounding selfish, but Im just confused why it seems like the thought hasn't even crossed their minds..
  • edited December 2011
    I can understand how Jean feels. She just wants the typical "bridal experience" and there is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed if you don't think it's going to happen for you. When you become a bride you have certain expectations about how things are going to go and having a shower is a part of that. From the time you're a little girl, your wedding and all the great stuff that goes with being the bride is so over-hyped and anticipated that it's a huge letdown if your experience doesn't live up to it. That is a result of our society, so you can't blame someone for being disappointed. I'm not saying she should force someone to throw her a shower but her bridal party needs to step up. It doesn't need to be anything fancy or expensive just something to make her feel special. I spent close to $2000 as MOH in my sister's wedding because I love her and she's worth it to me. I did without, saved, and cut corners so I could give her a fabulous experience. Now that I'm getting married she will do the same for me because she loves me. I'm not talking pricewise either just specialness (I couldn't care less if we have cookies and milk in someone's basement), it's the thought that counts. I think Jean's point is that no one's even thinking about her. I know as a MOH your not obligated to do things but there is a certain expectation and I don't think you should accept the honor if your not going to make your bride feel special in some way.
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  • edited December 2011
    I didn't say all girls dream about their weddings since childhood. I said from an early age women are told how importanrt and special their wedding day will be. All the expectations that go along with that are so over-hyped by the american society including families, hollywood, and the media that it's no wonder a girl feels let down if that's not her experience.
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  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    SMdifferent parts of the country do things differently!  in the NY/NJ area cake and punch receptions are just not done...and furthermore, mothers finance showers because they realize the cost involved for the bridal party.so....keep it to yourself
  • edited December 2011
    Someone with proper social graces and good manners would never call someone else out for being rude because THAT is the epitome of rude behavior? It's like Manners 101. It's funny how easily the "etiquette police" on these boards seems to overlook their own faux pas.
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  • edited December 2011
    The whole point of these boards is to have a place to run through ideas and get honest opinions from strangers who have been there.  Normal people would rather have a stranger on the internet point out their etiquette error than not know and make a major social blunder in front of friends and family.  If someone posted asking whether they should cheat on their FI one last time before the wedding, and someone responded saying it was a good idea, 99 other posters woud show up and point out why it is a bad idea, in an effort to help the OP.  This is the same thing.  There was bad advice.  It was corrected.
  • edited December 2011
    Stage, Our culture puts a huge emphasis on a woman's wedding day. That is a fact. Everywhere you turn there's something bridal. Of course not every woman feels that pressure but a lot do and it creates an expectation that's disappointing if it's not met. Society IS to blame for people not having manners. Children aren't born knowing which fork to use and to say please and thank you. It's up to society to teach them what is acceptable and what's not, and then model the proper behavior. Yet teaching or guiding someone can be done in a positive manner that doesn't make someone feel like a piece of crap for not knowing better. Leah, You are right, these boards are for brides to get advice and guideance from other brides but that advice and/or our responses to someone else's advice (whether it is right or wrong) doesn't have to be mean spirited or disrespectful. I'm not saying you personally, but I have noticed people being mean. What happened to "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all". You can be honest and get your point across without being hurtful.
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  • edited December 2011
    Where do you see anyone being mean?  And if you're going there, calling people mean is a pretty much the pot calling the kettel black. Not everyone is obsessed with weddings, and it is not a part of our culture.  Most of the women that I know and respect managed to grow up without spending all their time dreaming of their wedding.  In college, there was a girl that used to daydream about getting married.  Everyone thought she was insane. 
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "No one is blaming her for being disappointed. Being disappointed is one thing. Asking for a shower is another. We were simply replying to the OTHER poster's suggestion of getting her mom to throw it for her."?????you contradict yourself by then saying it's ok for the mother to throw a shower...andi never said the mother should throw the shower, just, if necessary and within the realm of possibility, finance it...and it doesn't have to be a grand production.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    aw, Jean - I do feel for you.  I hear what you are saying and it sounds like you would enjoy a bridal shower.That being said, if no one has planned one for you then there really isn't much you can do about having one.  I think everyone pretty much covered that one... :)But Stage is right - one could still be in the works.The previous posters are also right, though, that you can have a get together with the girls (not labeled a shower or a bachelorette party) to relax and hang out before the wedding.Don't let this taint your wedding - you are getting married and that really is the most important part.
  • edited December 2011
    you contradict yourself by then saying it's ok for the mother to throw a shower...It's fine (in most circles) for the mother to throw the shower.  It's wrong everywhere to ASK the mother to throw the shower, or to finance it.  You really don't see the difference?
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    L&C...you're not comprehending my posts.  maybe try re-reading
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    read...again...where did i say she should ask her mother to pay for her shower???  i get that not everyone is well-heeled enough to finance a fancy schmancy shower...but just about anyone could bake cookies, make punch and provide their home for a little celebration/shower.i said simply she should TALK to her mother (i didn't SPELL out that the talk would be about her feeling that no one cared enough/her worries about the expense and distance, etc....but that is what i thought would be inferred...i guess not!)furthermore, as a mother myself, i would be more sensitive to my daughter's situation and would, especially when confronted with that information by the daughter, would be more than willing to assist in any way possible.
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    ugggggh, enough already!
  • edited December 2011
    and if nothing is being planned if she's willing (and i really don't know what mother wouldn't be) she can pay and list have responses go to one of the bridesmaids.:headdesk:
  • edited December 2011
    I didn't read Diane as saying anyone was stupid or illiterate. It sounded to me as if she was saying she thought the poster misread or didn't comprehended her post as she intended. There's a difference.
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  • edited December 2011
    I hear you! Typos are really hard to catch when you're writing a post on these boards, the letters are so small. I have really good vision and a 20" monitor and I still don't catch everything.
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  • edited December 2011
    EXCUSE ME!!!!!! BUT MY MOTHER THREW MY BRIDAL SHOWER AND MY MIL THREW THE ONE FOR HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND NO IT IS ***NOT*** TACKY !!!! MOST MOTHERS WOULD BE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR THEIR LITTLE GIRLS.....TALK TO HER IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE EXPENSIVE, THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DECORATIONS AND ALL THAT, JUST AN EXCUSE FOR THE GIRLS TO GET TOGETHER !!! HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU
  • edited December 2011
    Why not throw your own shower? Who says in this world today the bride can't turn her house into a cute little place and have finger foods and yummy drinks. Don't expect presents just be glad to have ppl around.
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