Party for Guests not coming to wedding?

LaPiccolina

Here's the deal, we're getting married on the other side of the country in relation to the where my family is from and family friends live. Our families have respected our wishes to have a small wedding, but as a compromise of sorts they'd like to throw a party for us in their hometown so they can invite all their friends who will not be invited to the wedding (since we want it small and intimate) and also for family members who cannot afford to fly across the country to our wedding. I'm definitely fond of this idea, but unsure as to when to have the party. Logistically, it's easier to have it in the summer before our 8.27.11 wedding. However, I feel like then they'll be hosting an engagement party for a wedding that the guests aren't invited to...which feels a little impolite. Am I wrong? We can do it in the fall, after our wedding, but it gets more difficult due to people being back in school, working being busier, and prior travel arrangements.

What do you think - a party before or after the wedding? I don't want to offend people but I also know it will be more difficult to make happen after the wedding.

garcias1

Why don't you just do a BBQ in the summer and make it about the summer, not about your wedding?  I don't think people would want to go to a party as a consolation prize for not being invited to the actual wedding no matter if it was before or after your big day.  If I was invited to something like this, I would feel like a second-rate guest, and I wouldn't know if you were doing it just for the gifts or not.  That's just my 2 cents, but maybe other people feel differently.

deepcovejackie

OP. you're not wrong.  It would be impolite to invite people to a party celebrating a weddingcoming up  that they won't be invited to.  Same with inviting people of a party celebrating a wedding that has already happened but that they weren't invited to.

Just have a family get-together, not a wedding event.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_party-guests-not-coming-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:19907284-4c57-45fb-9920-48eb717d29aePost:a0d2fdd1-fddf-4db1-92bc-55188ab7dee9">Party for Guests not coming to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the deal, we're getting married on the other side of the country in relation to the where my family is from and family friends live. Our families have respected our wishes to have a small wedding, but as a compromise of sorts they'd like to throw a party for us in their hometown so they can invite all their friends who will not be invited to the wedding (since we want it small and intimate) and also for family members who cannot afford to fly across the country to our wedding. I'm definitely fond of this idea, but unsure as to when to have the party. Logistically, it's easier to have it in the summer before our 8.27.11 wedding. However, I feel like then they'll be hosting an engagement party for a wedding that the guests aren't invited to...which feels a little impolite. Am I wrong? We can do it in the fall, after our wedding, but it gets more difficult due to people being back in school, working being busier, and prior travel arrangements. What do you think - a party before or after the wedding? I don't want to offend people but I also know it will be more difficult to make happen after the wedding.
Posted by LaPiccolina[/QUOTE]
You are not wrong.
If i were invited to a pre-wedding event and I wasn't invited to the wedding, I'd be annoyed and very confused.

HappinessByTheKilowatt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_party-guests-not-coming-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:19907284-4c57-45fb-9920-48eb717d29aePost:e4c3e5fe-8bef-4674-903f-6ba7ad545834">Re: Party for Guests not coming to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you just do a BBQ in the summer and make it about the summer, not about your wedding?  I don't think people would want to go to a party as a consolation prize for not being invited to the actual wedding no matter if it was before or after your big day.  If I was invited to something like this, I would feel like a second-rate guest, and I wouldn't know if you were doing it just for the gifts or not.  That's just my 2 cents, but maybe other people feel differently.
Posted by garcias1[/QUOTE]


This

MairePoppy

You should not invite anyone to a pre-wedding related event, unless the are invited to the wedding, also.

According to your RD related post, below, you are expecting about 80 guests at your DW. While that is not a huge guest list, it's not small either. If you want to invite people who are invited, but unable to attend your wedding, make it a casual get together after the wedding.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_party-guests-not-coming-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:19907284-4c57-45fb-9920-48eb717d29aePost:7dcad195-3a0d-4903-89a2-fa2e4bba8735">Re: Party for Guests not coming to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should not invite anyone to a pre-wedding related event, unless the are invited to the wedding, also. According to your RD related post, below, you are expecting about 80 guests at your DW. While that is not a huge guest list, it's not small either. If you want to invite people who are invited, but unable to attend your wedding, make it a casual get together after the wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

ditto maire.  OP:  you cannot hold a wedding "reception" for a wedding that hasn't happened yet.

You make the decision to have an 80 person DW, then that's your wedding.  You've made your choice, and part of the consequences of a DW is a smaller guest list, and fewer (if any) pre-wedding parties.

LaPiccolina

I understand the consequences of a smaller wedding and a "destination" one of sorts (it's not really destination, we live in the area... but our families are in very different places in the country and far away from us and one another).

I guess the biggest thing here is my parents want to throw a party for us to celebrate our marriage (we did not request this, completely their idea!!) as they assume many of our family members will not be afford to travel (even though they are invited!). Since they're going to throw a party, they figured they would invite their friends too... I was just asking if it was weird to do this before or if I should wait until after. Like I said, not my idea I just was fond of it so I could celebrate with family that can't travel. I'm not trying to turn it into a ploy for more gifts, but to celebrate with people who can't travel. That's all.

MairePoppy

Before the wedding, the host may invite anyone who is invited to the wedding. It makes no difference if they are declining or accepting the invitation. Do not invite anyone who is not on the wedding guest list.

After the wedding, keep it a casual get together that isn't wedding related. I imagine you would like to bring your wedding pictures to share with elderly relatives who couldn't make the trip. That's fine. And since it's your parents' party and not wedding related, they can invite anyone they wish.

How's that?

beth824

I say just have a celebration party after the wedding! I don't see any problem with this at all. I also don't see any reason why it shouldn't be wedding related either. The whole reason for the party is because you got married, correct? You can claim its "just a party", but everyone knows what its about anyway, you getting married. Might as well remove the huge elephant from the room and just call it what it is! I went to something almost exactly like that. The couple had a DW and then we went to a big party a few weeks after to celebrate it. We were not invited to the wedding, just the party and were not insulted at all by that! We were really happy that we were able to celebrate at their wedding party with them when they  returned.

KatiScarlet

I have been to multiple post-wedding receptions for couples who married elsewhere.  They throw them a few weeks later and invite anyone they'd like to share the celebration wth.  It's not offensive to be invited if you weren't at the wedding because it's a celebration of their union. Some examples... We live in Seattle.  One couple got married in HI, and another in FL.  One threw a summer BBQ later that year and the other did a reception at a hotel.  Then there's my best friend.  She's Mormon and got married in the temple in Salt Lake City.  No one was allowed to go so she HAD to have a reception later.

f pamplemousse

I agree with Beth824 and KatiScarlet - I see nothing wrong with a post-wedding celebratory event for people who couldn't come to the wedding itself (whether or not they were invited).  I do think doing something before the wedding seems a little weirder (both due to ettiquette and the fact that people will want to see pictures!), even though it might be more convenient.

It seems much more common now for everyone's family and friends to be spread out across the country.  Sometimes it just makes so much more sense to have separate events. 

For example my fiance's family is is TN, my family is in VA, my friends are in NY, and his friends are scattered.  Because of this we will get married in Ireland with just immediate family (8 people including us), but will have other events as well, whehter or not they are coded as "wedding."  My mom will likely throw a family event once we gets back (I can tell she wants the big party, even though I don't), my fiance wants to have a bachelor party weekend before the wedding with his friends, I'd like to have a housewarming party once we move to New York this fall (we're in grad school in the South at the moment), and his parents might want to so something for their family in TN.

Who knows, maybe some people will be offended, but it really depends on your circumstances and your friends and family!