Pre-wedding Parties

UGHHHHH - (clearly a vent)

So, I'm just here to complain a little bit. My FSIL is completely taking over my bachelorette party. My sister (the MOH) and my bridesmaids have done a fantastic job of planning exactly the type of bachelorette party I want - we will be tailgaiting before a baseball game, attending the game, and then likely going out for a few drinks after the game at bars near the stadium. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but PERFECT for me.

My FSIL has basically hi-jacked the FB thread about it, insisting on pen!s EVERYTHING (we're talking $200+ in accessories, which she wants some of my other friends to purchase), giving me tons of trashy underwear, forcing me to go on "missions" (like finding a guy to serenade me, someone to spank me, someone with my FI's name to kiss me), etc. NONE of this sounds even remotely appealing to me.

I am not included in the thread on FB, but have now had 4 different friends come to me, expressing their concern that this is turning into the exact opposite of what I want. All of them have expressed that in the thread, only to have FSIL ignore it and push forward, insisting that I'll really like it, "once I get drunk enough."

The problem with FSIL is she has a severe lack of boundaries, and has steamrolled people on other issues before. One of my BMs sent a message to the whole group, stating that she has spoken with me, and wanted to reiterate my desire to keep the phallic accessories to a minimum, to which FSIL responded with, "Well, she says that when she's sober, who knows what she'll say when she's drunk!" She is also pushing for a strip club, which is the exact opposite of what I want.

She then texted me almost exactly what she had sent the group, stating that at her bachelorette, she was really shy and didn't want to do any of these things, but when she got drunk enough, she really enjoyed them, and she didn't want me to make the same mistake that she made. For me, it's not about being "afraid" of male attention - I'd just rather the night focus on getting to spend time with friends I rarely see (I'm flying back home for this) and celebrating, than on awkward games and penises, and getting black out drunk.
 
FSIL's marriage is also on the rocks, which I think is contributing to her desire to have a "wild night out," where as I'm much more low-key. Between my friends, my sister and myself, I'm sure we have enough votes in our camp to ultimately overrule her, but she's annoying the ever-living crap out of me and I just needed to vent somewhere. I don't know how to make it any more clear that I have no interest in this than to flat out tell her (which I've already done), have others tell her (which they've already done), or ignore her (which I'm doing now). Anyone got any other tips?

Re: UGHHHHH - (clearly a vent)

  • edited June 2012
    I would just have the hosts of the b-party, whether that be your MOH or a group of your BMs, tell her when she brings it up, "Thanks for the input, but [bride] has said she doesn't like that stuff, so I think we'll save the money on the penis decorations and just go with what we have planned." No one can absolutely stop her from bringing that stuff, but she can't force you to wear it. If she shows up with penis accessories, I'd laugh it off and not wear it. Maybe a vague, "Maybe later if I have enough drinks" and just never get around to wearing it. She also can't force you to do those dumb games about finding guys to kiss or whatever. No one can make you do things you don't want to do.

    I would ordinarily say stay out of it and let the hosts deal with it. However, you said she texted you, so I think you have every right to reply to her text. I would just be up front and say, "It's great you liked those things at your party, but it's just not my style no matter how many drinks I have. We'll still have a good time."


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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think FSIL is going to get it if you keep playing nice.  Someone (your MOH, and if I were you, I'd say it myself) just needs to tell her "No. We will not be doing that. That isn't what Bride wants."  Lather, rinse, repeat. She brings the stuff, she can wear it. You don't have to. If she buys you drinks you don't want so you will get drunk, then let her waste money on drinks that sit there. If she doesn't like what's planned, she doesn't have to attend.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ughhhhh-clearly-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2f5abcbb-df6d-429b-8bac-029cb24e84e0Post:aefcfcb6-da02-44be-adb6-df4a41f06ddc">UGHHHHH - (clearly a vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I'm just here to complain a little bit. My FSIL is completely taking over my bachelorette party. My sister (the MOH) and my bridesmaids have done a fantastic job of planning exactly the type of bachelorette party I want - we will be tailgaiting before a baseball game, attending the game, and then likely going out for a few drinks after the game at bars near the stadium. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but PERFECT for me. My FSIL has basically hi-jacked the FB thread about it, insisting on pen!s EVERYTHING (we're talking $200+ in accessories, which she wants some of my other friends to purchase), giving me tons of trashy underwear, forcing me to go on "missions" (like finding a guy to serenade me, someone to spank me, someone with my FI's name to kiss me), etc. NONE of this sounds even remotely appealing to me. I am not included in the thread on FB, but have now had 4 different friends come to me, expressing their concern that this is turning into the exact opposite of what I want. All of them have expressed that in the thread, only to have FSIL ignore it and push forward, insisting that I'll really like it, "once I get drunk enough." The problem with FSIL is she has a severe lack of boundaries, and has steamrolled people on other issues before. One of my BMs sent a message to the whole group, stating that she has spoken with me, and wanted to reiterate my desire to keep the phallic accessories to a minimum, to which FSIL responded with, "Well, she says that when she's sober, who knows what she'll say when she's drunk!" She is also pushing for a strip club, which is the exact opposite of what I want. <strong>She then texted me almost exactly what she had sent the group,</strong> stating that at her bachelorette, she was really shy and didn't want to do any of these things, but when she got drunk enough, she really enjoyed them, and she didn't want me to make the same mistake that she made. For me, it's not about being "afraid" of male attention - I'd just rather the night focus on getting to spend time with friends I rarely see (I'm flying back home for this) and celebrating, than on awkward games and penises, and getting black out drunk.   FSIL's marriage is also on the rocks, which I think is contributing to her desire to have a "wild night out," where as I'm much more low-key. Between my friends, my sister and myself, I'm sure we have enough votes in our camp to ultimately overrule her, but she's annoying the ever-living crap out of me and I just needed to vent somewhere. I don't know how to make it any more clear that I have no interest in this than to flat out tell her (which I've already done), have others tell her (which they've already done), or ignore her (which I'm doing now). Anyone got any other tips?
    Posted by MissMillieFrank[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>The bold part is where SHE brought YOU into this.  You can now say to her, "NO, I'm sorry but I am not interested in doing those things and I won't."  Since she has involved you in this, you have every right and should take the opportunity to say no.  You said she has no boundaries and you are going to have to take those boundaries back.  Your friends need to ignore her plans and stick with the original ones.</div><div>
    </div><div>FSIL has the opportunity to back the truck up and be a team player.  Doesn't sound like she will, but she has this opportunity.  If she chooses not to  to do that, she will feel awfully lonely on your BP night when you guys are at a game sans penis stuff.</div><div>
    </div><div>Good luck on this.

    </div>
  • Your idea for the party and what you want sound SO much more appealing to me than what she has planned!! I'm putting a flat out NO for the male-part accessories, if I even get to have a party (I don't live anywhere near my girls, they're spread out everywhere) ;)  I'm so happy to hear that your girls got in touch with you expressing their concern that your FSIL wants to change up the plan.  Have your girls stand your ground when she brings it up again, like PP said, just keep repeating that's not what you want, no matter how much you drink.  Good luck :)
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  • Yeah, PPs have pretty much covered it, but it your FSIL has boundary issues, I think the best thing to do is tell her not only that you don't want that stuff, but also how it makes you feel that she keeps pushing it.  That's sometimes the best way to deal with people like that.  Please also be aware that what she's doing is effectively sexual harrassment- trying to force you into a sexual situation you don't want after you've said no repeatedly.  Franklly, she sounds pretty toxic, and you may even want to consider having your FI speak to her a bit (not about the party, necessarily, but about the boundary issues generally).

    Sample dialogue: "FSIL, I really don't want penis accessories or gross party games at this event; I'm really looking forward to it as a chance to catch up with my friends.  And I won't change my mind when I'm drunk, because I don't plan on getting that drunk, because I want to actually be able to enjoy catching up with my friends.  I'm glad that you enjoyed those games at your bach-party, but we're not the same person, and I'm not interested in this at all.  More importantly, I feel violated that you keep pushing this on me.  I've said no several times already, and you're being completely dismissive of my feelings and my opinions.  I'm going to ask you once and for all to respect my boundaries- this isn't something difficult to do.  Stop pressuring me.  Drop the penis-accessory discussion.  I will not discuss this with you any more."

    And have your other friends take the exact same party line.  Sometimes, with people like this, the only thing you can do is not just tell them no, but tell them that their constant pressuring is crossing serious boundaries.
  • I hate it when people assume the last night out parties have to involve strippers for the guys or mortifying stunts for the bridetobe. You're already in a commited relationship! Your FI's sister should respect that!
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  • Thanks for the helpful advice and feedback, everyone. It appears as though it is (hopefully) under control. After clearly and definitively stating to her that I wanted the event to be focused on quality time with my ladies rather than penises and missions, and being consistently backed up by my MOH, BMs and other friends attending, FSIL FINALLY seems to be getting the point. It was not without some passive-aggressive messages about how much money she has wasted on penis things "I'll just throw in the trash" and some obnoxiously complaining that I "don't seem to want to do anything typically associated with a bachelorette party," but she has conceeded that the event will go as originally planned.

    My sister sent us all a pretty fantastic e-mail, stating that although I don't want any of the things associated with a "typical" bachelorette party, I'm not a "typical" bachelorette, and that all they're trying to do is make sure to plan a night that is right for the kind of person I am. Pomundson was right - I am really lucky to have friends who know me really well, back me up and look out for me. And THAT is what I really want this day to celebrate :)

    Thanks again, all. Your empathy and compassion meant a lot in a time where I needed to vent!
  • edited July 2012
    <div>This is clearly a job for your maid of honor. I assume she'd know you very well and she needs to stand up to your  FSIL before she ruins your night.</div><div>i hope things works out! I truly feel your pain!</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ughhhhh-clearly-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2f5abcbb-df6d-429b-8bac-029cb24e84e0Post:aefcfcb6-da02-44be-adb6-df4a41f06ddc">UGHHHHH - (clearly a vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I'm just here to complain a little bit. My FSIL is completely taking over my bachelorette party. My sister (the MOH) and my bridesmaids have done a fantastic job of planning exactly the type of bachelorette party I want - we will be tailgaiting before a baseball game, attending the game, and then likely going out for a few drinks after the game at bars near the stadium. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but PERFECT for me. My FSIL has basically hi-jacked the FB thread about it, insisting on pen!s EVERYTHING (we're talking $200+ in accessories, which she wants some of my other friends to purchase), giving me tons of trashy underwear, forcing me to go on "missions" (like finding a guy to serenade me, someone to spank me, someone with my FI's name to kiss me), etc. NONE of this sounds even remotely appealing to me. I am not included in the thread on FB, but have now had 4 different friends come to me, expressing their concern that this is turning into the exact opposite of what I want. All of them have expressed that in the thread, only to have FSIL ignore it and push forward, insisting that I'll really like it, "once I get drunk enough." The problem with FSIL is she has a severe lack of boundaries, and has steamrolled people on other issues before. One of my BMs sent a message to the whole group, stating that she has spoken with me, and wanted to reiterate my desire to keep the phallic accessories to a minimum, to which FSIL responded with, "Well, she says that when she's sober, who knows what she'll say when she's drunk!" She is also pushing for a strip club, which is the exact opposite of what I want. She then texted me almost exactly what she had sent the group, stating that at her bachelorette, she was really shy and didn't want to do any of these things, but when she got drunk enough, she really enjoyed them, and she didn't want me to make the same mistake that she made. For me, it's not about being "afraid" of male attention - I'd just rather the night focus on getting to spend time with friends I rarely see (I'm flying back home for this) and celebrating, than on awkward games and penises, and getting black out drunk.   FSIL's marriage is also on the rocks, which I think is contributing to her desire to have a "wild night out," where as I'm much more low-key. Between my friends, my sister and myself, I'm sure we have enough votes in our camp to ultimately overrule her, but she's annoying the ever-living crap out of me and I just needed to vent somewhere. I don't know how to make it any more clear that I have no interest in this than to flat out tell her (which I've already done), have others tell her (which they've already done), or ignore her (which I'm doing now). Anyone got any other tips?
    Posted by MissMillieFrank[/QUOTE]
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