Is this idea bad etiquette?

kimberlykh

I got engaged last month and my FI and I will have officially set our date/location tomorrow (provided all goes as planned).  We had thought about hosting an engagement party at one of our favorite restaurants to "officially" ask our in-town friends/family (about half are out of town) to be part of our wedding.  In no means is this meant to get gifts, I honestly would not expect it.  And, we would only invite the people and their significant others who will become part of the wedding. We'd pay the bill as a first gift for them to be our bridesmaids/groomsmen.  I came to this board to get some ideas, and now I'm reading that it is bad etiquette to throw yourself an engagement party.  Is this bad etiquette?  Could we call it something different to make it more acceptable?  Thoughts are appreciated.  This bridal stuff is tough!

banana468

Call it something other than an engagement party and the idea is lovely. Treating your friends to dinner and drinks sounds great!

hlq2011

Ditto Banana.  As long as you don't call it anything wedding-related, you're fine.  Calling it an engagement party, or anything related to the wedding, makes it in your honor, and THAT is what makes it bad etiquette.

trix1223

Your wedding is about a year away.  First of all, I'd wait until the end of the summer to ask anyone.

Second, and this is a HUGE caution to you.  Do not ask all of your friends as a group.  Please give them the courtesy of asking individually.  If you ask all at the same time, you are potentially putting someone in a terrible position if they have to decline or even ask for time to think about it.

Consider:  You're out with friends having dinner.  The couple says "We asked you all here to invite you to be part of our WP".  Everyone squeals with excitement, except you.  Because you're [moving....having financial difficulties.....whatever].  Do you bring down the mood of the group by saying "I'm so sorry but..." or do you agree to something that you really can't do?

Please, ask individually and then if you must, have everyone who accepts enjoy an evening out.

And a big good luck to you.

adreambeam

I agree. Being in a wedding party is an honor, but also a huge financial commitment. For example the maid of honor traditionally pays for the entire bridal shower. The bridal party also each pays for part of your bachlorette party. And dress/shoes/hair/makeup/accessories for the wedding. Its best to ask them one on one. 

 However, I think there is nothing wrong with throwing yourself an engagement party. We did just to celebrate. We bought all the food. We did not expect gifts and people generally didn't bring them. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_this-idea-bad-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:afc95be7-c942-4979-963c-c526bff2beb2Post:2569b563-0701-4bb4-8b4e-1e40cc4463f1">Re: Is this idea bad etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree. Being in a wedding party is an honor, but also a huge financial commitment. For example the maid of honor traditionally pays for the entire bridal shower. The bridal party also each pays for part of your bachlorette party. And dress/shoes/hair/makeup/accessories for the wedding. Its best to ask them one on one.   However, I think there is nothing wrong with throwing yourself an engagement party. We did just to celebrate. We bought all the food. We did not expect gifts and people generally didn't bring them. 
Posted by adreambeam[/QUOTE]

There's a lot wrong with this. 1- I can't recall any MOH ever thinking that she had to shoulder the financial burden of planning a shower. 2- The bridal party pays for their clothing but if you mandate specific shoes you should buy them. And it isn't appropriate to make them pay for hair, makeup or jewelry for the wedding. 3- It's not appropriate to throw your own engagement party. 4- It's not appropriate to throw any party for yourself.