Pre-wedding Parties

UPDATE on FMIL and Bridal Shower

In Response to What would you do? Issues with FMIL and Bridal Shower Guest List!!:
[QUOTE]Hello Everyone, Heres the deal: A lady from my church who has known me since I was a little girl has graciously offered to host a bridal shower for me. She came to me for a guest list and said that she could accommodate 25 guests. Currently, I'm in my 2nd year of pharmacy school and really I ask my Mom to give me a rough draft list. My mom put together a list and then she called my FMIL to ask if anyone from my FIL's side would come. My FMIL, gave my mom a list of about 50 invites that she said had to be sent. My mom then forwarded both list to me to go through and make the final guest list. When I received the lists and took a look at it my mom did a good job of listing people that were in the wedding party, my immediated family (sister, neices, aunts), and then some really close family friends that I've know my entire life. Now, when I looked at my FMIL list I do not know one single person on her list or have ever met any of them. I confronted my FMIL about this and told her that I could only invited 25 guests. I also told her that I would prefer to invite people that would actually come and that I actually know or have met. Please take in mind of the 50 invites on her list only 5 of them actually live in the state (FL), and all the rest live in the New England area. At this point my FMIL with off her rocker and demanded everyone on her list be sent an invite, even the people that live out of state. She also demand several "men" family members receive invites. I asked her what was her reasoning behind inviting out of state and "men" family members and her only response was "Well, they may want to send you a gift. and that's the way I do it, I've always sent two gifts (1 for the shower and 1 for the wedding) and I fully expect my family to do it in return for Chad" (Sidenote: Even though I have a house that is fully furnished and if I didn't get 1 gift for the wedding I'd be FMIL could careless and feels I need as many gifts as she can score for us. ) At that point in the conversation with my FMIL it was best to cut it off before she said anymore hurtful things like she has in the past. I told her I would revaluate the guest list one more time before finalizing it. 1.) In my opinion I can not ask the host of my shower to send 50 extra invites to people who will not attend the shower just so I can receive a gift. I feel that is being gift grabby? Correct me if I"m wrong 2.) Also, all of my FIL's family lives in the New England FI's parents moved to FL when my FFIL graduated from college. So my wedding is like a destination wedding for them. However, many of them can not attend the wedding because they cannot afford to and the ones that are coming my FFIL is paying all their expenses to come to the wedding. SO....know that I feel even more horrible to send them an invite to a bridal shower b/c if they can't afford to come to the wedding unless someone pays all their expenses how can they afford to give 2 gifts? 3.) LIke I said before I have never met any of my FI's extend family, not even his Aunt's or Uncles because they all live in the New England area and have never visted FL and I've never been invited to meet them up there. So I feel even more wierd about sending them an invite. I'm sorry this is long and confusing. I just want to do what is right. What would you do?
Posted by klhuddleston1225[/QUOTE]

So in the end I had my host only send invites to my FMIL, her 3 neighbors, and my FI's boss & DIL who he is the godfather of the DIL's son. Now fastforward to yesterday....

The lady that is hosting my shower calls me to inform me that my FMIL called her and bombarded her with questions such as:

1. Who is invited to the Shower?
2. I demand to see a copy of the guest list?
3. If everyone on my list was not invited you need to send an invited to them.
4. If you don't send invites to them, I will go buy my own and send them out.

I was beyond mortified that my FMIL would question a hostess like that. She didn't even call to RSVP which was the purpose for the phone number on the invite. So I had enough out it, this isn't the first time my FMIL has acted like this however it has never gone to the extent of it involving someone outside of my family like this. I also know from past experience having my FI talk to her would do know good. She has absolutely 0 respect for her son and when he tells her not to do something like this. She still goes behind his back and does it.

So I gave her a phone call my self....seeing as I"m at school in NC and she lives in FL right now. The summary of my phone conversation with her was letting her know what she did was inappropriate and if she had questions of that nature she should of called me or my mother. I also told her that I was very embarrassesed by her actions and that was very lucky to have such a generous and gracious lady in my life that would host a shower for me. I did not yell or raise my voice at her, I did not call her names or put her down, and I also had my FI on the phone listening as well.

Needless to say she LOST HER SH$TT......she did not say one kind word to me she screamed at the top of her lungs and cussed me out on the phone and then hung up on me. Basically, she didn't care how I did things or how my host did things, if it was done her way then it was the wrong way. She also went on so scream that she was going to send out her own invites to people to a shower that she is not hosting or planning and is only a guest at. I asked her why would she do that? She went on to scream to me that she had called all those people 3 months ago tell them they were invited (Sidenote: when she did this  was way before my hostess and I started to talk about a guest list or a date or anything about a shower). She went on to say that she has called them all this week to see if they got a invite to the shower. Before I could respond she went on to say a few more cuss words call me a few names and hung up on me.

My jaw dropped to the floor when she told me she invited people 3 months ago and then called them to see if they got an invited. I don't know about ya'll but in my book that IS BEYOND RUDE & TACKY!!! She isn't even the one hosting or planning the shower...and she had no right to invite people because of that. On top of that to call them and see if they got an invite.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick to my stomach over my FMIL, I know she hates me she has told me to my face that. I don't know why she hates me I've done nothing but be as loving, respectful, and always making sure she knows how thankful for her hospitality. She has absolutley ruined just about every aspect of this process of planning a wedding. I don't even talk to her about the wedding anymore because I learned very early on she wants absolute control and if she doesn't have it and if the wedding isn't planned they way she wants it then all H3LL breaks loose. I'm so worried that she is going to embarrasse me and make a fool of herself at my wedding in front of all our family.

What am I to do if she sends invites to these people that don't even live in FL. If she sends them now they won't even get the invited until 1-2 days before the shower...

BOTH my FI and I have told her she is not to send those invites.

Any advice is needed? Thanks!!

Re: UPDATE on FMIL and Bridal Shower

  • I originally was not going to include my FMIL by asking about guests, however, both my mother and hosteses said that I should out of respect for her and because if I didn't she would of acted like this anyways. But by me at least attempting to include her I had something to fall back on to say that I had talked to her and told her that my hosteses could only include 25 guests, etc. etc. and hope that with time she would get over it and understand instead of it all be sprung on her last minute.

    As of right now my FMIL has not called or contacted my hostess' anymore than that 1 time. I feel that for the most part my FMIL has put her own self in a situation by inviting/call about invites to these other people and doesn't know what to say to these people she invited that are not receiving an invite. So she is throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old hoping we will cave to her crazziness and bulling to get her out of a situation she put herself in.

    My FI has been there the whole time yelling back at her that it she doens't need to talk to me like that, and is very mad at his mom for her actions. However, no matter what he says to her or tells her not to do she doesn't listen to him and goes behind his back and still does it. She even does this to her own husband.

    As far as canceling, I would do it if everyone knew what was going on. However, as it stands right now its only my mom, my hostes, my FI, and me that are aware of the situation. And we are trying to minimize the drama and none of our other guests are aware of the situation.
  • If your FMIL can't respect your FI she sure won't respect you. I truly am sorry you have to go through this...I had that MIL before and it sucked!

    The best you can do is ride this wave out and let the crazy lady simmer in her own world; I wouldn't attend a shower she hosted if she paid me to be there and regardless of how you respond, she will be an enormous PIA so feel free to say no.

    And what PP said; don't include her in any wedding anything. I wouldn't be inviting her, calling her, including her, asking her or anything. I would decline any financial offers for the wedding from her because it calls for her participation. I would also touch base with the hostess and see if she is still willing to host; offer her an out and if she chooses to continue or cancel, please be understanding.

    Also, I wouldn't be dealing with bat-shiit crazy mommy either; I feel bad for FI but its his crazy mom so let him deal with her.
    Vacation White Knot
  • If she does send invites out to these am I suppose to respond to those people? Do I send them a retraction letter explaining the situation? Do I call them? Or do I just let my FMIL make a fool of us all?
  • If she sends out invitations you need to cancel the shower. Then possibly reschedule for another day?  and don't invite your FMIL. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    IMO, you've done everything correctly. Your FMIL is crazy and there is no way you could have prepared for her reaction. She was clearly out of line to call the hostess of your shower and try to bully her.

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like all, but 5, of the guests that FMIL is threatening to invite, live in New England. They already know they are not invited because FMIL called to ask them if they received invitations, Right? There is a slim to none chance that the New Englanders will make travel arrangements to Florida with a 2 day notice. So you might end up with the 5 extra guests, who live in Florida. First, you should ask the hostess if she would prefer to cancel the shower. If she still wants to go ahead as planned, could you or your mom provide a few extra refreshments, just in case those few extra people show up? That would give you, your mom, your hostess peace of mind.

    Since you didn't issue the invitations, I don't think you need to say anything to those people about the shower. If they send you shower gifts, treat them as wedding gifts in your thank you notes. If they go to your wedding, you will have a chance to show them what a kind and gracious person you are. I wouldn't be surprised if they know that your FMIL is bonkers, already.

    The only other advice I can offer is to have someone at your shower and wedding that can escort FMIL home if she starts acting up. And don't share anymore plans with her.

  • Ditto Poppy!  Everything she said.

    Please remember - your FMIL can't make you all look like fools, only you can do that.  None of you caused this fiasco and NO ONE will think any of you were involved.

    Absolutely have someone there who can escort BSC FMIL out.  If that is necessary you need to choose to continue with a wonderful day and enjoy your guests.  She can only embarrass you if you let her.

  • Wow, I just posted a board similar to this but at the same time, not even CLOSE. Im having FMIL issues also in terms of who is invited to my bridal shower. I dont know if anyone has mentioned this to you but, if its so important for your FMIL to have these people at your shower, why doesnt she host one for you up in the New England area? At least that way it would only be two plane flights worth, instead of all 20 something she expected to fly down for yours. Though, if youre like me, having a party thrown for you with a bunch of random people youve never met before is extremely weird and gift grabby, IMO. Not to mention, shes created enough drama, I wouldnt want her taking control of any type of party, even if it is a duplicate and to shut her up. Just curious if she even offered that.
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