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Pre-wedding Parties

bachelorette party.. someone please listen

After 2 hours of my fiances sister harassing me via text, I am emotionally spent.

Fiance's mom is hurt that I said "no parents" for the bachelorette party. My mom does not drink and I want to party hardcore. My mom is anti-alcohol so I am just not having parents. To me, the shower is for all the ladies to be at. The bachelorette is for friends only, IMO. It would not be fair if I allowed his mom to come and not my own mother. I do not want my moms feelings hurt.

My fiances sister texted me a zillion times saying that I hurt her mom's feelings and she just wants to be involved and that I will live this this regret one day. Also that it is crazy that I care about my moms feelings more than her mom. OF COURSE I DO! She is MY mom. I tried to call her to talk it out because texting is drama. She keeps ignoring the call and will only text back.

All my friends agree that if I do not want parents that is my choice. None of them had their moms at their bach parties either.

I am just emotionally spent and I feel like she is creating all of this unecessary stress for me not to mention crossing the line. I shouldn't be crying about my invite list. It is ONE party.. we can all get together another time. I am just annoyed beyond belief.
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Re: bachelorette party.. someone please listen

  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    To be honest, if I were in your situation I would text her back and tell her that I don't think this is a conversation to be had over text message, that you don't want to be getting wasty-face drunk in front of your FMIL - and since getting wasty-face drunk is your plan for the party that it would be inappropriate to have her there. Parents are often NOT at Bachelor/bachlorette parties. And then I would text her that I'm not reading/ responding to any more texting message she sends me and if she would like to talk about it, then I will be happy to talk about it in person or over the phone.

    And then I would start deleting any further texts from her without reading them.

    And then, if she calls, I would try for a compromise. See if maybe going to a classier bar at the beginning of the night, with the moms, for appetizers and maybe a few light drinks, and then saying goodbye to the moms while you head out for harder partying, would be acceptable to your FMIL.

    That's about as far as I would go though, your'e absolutely within your rights not to invite parents to a bachlorette party. A compromise might be nice, because you have to live with them, but your FMIL is being way overdramatic if her feelings are hurt becuase you're not including her in something that parents normally are NOT included in.

    Another option would be having your FI talk to them, since they are his family and he should be the one dealing with them. However, since they will soon be your family too, and his sister is non-stop texting you, I think you do need to respond to her somehow.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Muffins. At this point, she has ignored all my calls and said some stuff that is way out of line. Like that me and my FI don't care about their mom and they I am acting rude and uncaring. Also that I am being selfish and tearing the family apart. Obviously she is upset about other stuff and taking it out on me.. I am shocked. In the 6 years I have been with my fiance, she has never started a battle like this with me. My fiance told me to ignore her texts and that he will be calling her lalter to discuss what she has said to me.

    I did tell her all those things about not wanting to drink in front of them or open sexy lingerie and toys in front of her mom because I will be using that stuff with her son, lol. Still, she thinks it's weird and rude that I don't want her there. My FMIL needs to put her big girl panties on and get over this.

    I will suggest going out on another night but I have a feeling she will say "it's not the same and you still didn't want me at the bach party".

    I was so excited for the pre-wedding festivities and now I am dreading it :(
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm an MOB and I'm with you, too. I do not expect to be invited to my daughter's bp, if she has one. If I am invited, I will decline. That's a night out for the bride and her friends.

    Don't let FSIL and FMIL guilt trip you. Tell fi to set his mother and sister straight on this. And don't engage in any conversations with them about your bp. You've already given your answer. That should be good enough.

    By the way, have fun at your party : )
                       
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am surprised your FMIL even wants to come to that.  I agree you should stand your ground.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Ladies.... I am afraid she will show up anyways and be like "haha this will be fun!"

    She is the typical jewish mom (no offese to those who are jewish) who needs to be involved in everything and always sticks her nose in everyones business. She said since she went to her daughters parties she feels she is entitled to come to mine. I told her that since my mom is not coming she should not come either. She said that just because my mom isn't coming does not mean that her "day should be ruined". First off, I didn't know it was her day. Secondly, if her day will be ruined by not being able to hang out with a bunch of 20-something year olds then she has bigger problems.

    Obviously she does not get the hint that by her coming, I will not have as much fun and my friends will not feel that they can act as goofy as they want to as well.

    Why on earth would you want to come to something you are not invited to??

    Also... she is upset that my mom is throwing my shower. My mom has called her several times and asked her to help with stuff. My mom only has one child and she is having fun with giving me a shower. My FMIL needs to let this be. Why can't she just be happy throwing the rehearsal dinner?

    I am so stressed. I just wish I wouldn't have agreed to let my FSILaws stand up in the wedding because then they wouldn't ben involved in the bach party planning.

    I can't wait to be married and done with this. Bravo to all of you who eloped!!!
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  • deb84deb84 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Maybe you can compromise a little.  Most of the bachelorette parties I've been to, the mothers join us for dinner out and then a few drinks...but then they leave and go on their merry way so that we can act like typical young ladies at a bachelorette party without fear of being judged.  Do you know what type of party her daughter had?  Maybe she doesn't realize your plan.  I can't imagine an older lady feeling comfortable being around a bunch of drunk 20 year olds.  :/
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I am also a mother of the bride.  Unless this is a regional tradition, I have yet to hear of a mom attending a bachelorette party.  I have not been asked to attend.  I have NO desire to attend.  This is and should be all about friends, inside jokes, a little debauchery/insanity, and in my opinion, a release/respite of any and all stress related wedding planning/drama.  Including any unwanted/uninvited "guests" pretty much ruins that philosophy, particularly parents!

    I am also "housing" my daughter's shower at my house, but it is "technically" being hosted by my daughters aunts.  Too bad/so sad if someone doesn't care for that plan.  (Although I am fortunate that my daughter's FMIL is a reasonable and friendly woman.)  Your FMIL is free to host any pre-wedding party she chooses to plan.  Your FMIL had her opportunity with her own daughter and that wedding.  You and your mom have every right to do your own thing as well.

    We have included FMIL in many other opportunities.  Some they have participated in; others they have declined.   I am hosting mani/pedi's for the bridal party and "significant" women the day before the wedding.  FMIL, FGrandma, and FSIL were all invited.  They have declined because they want to use their "typical" salon and incorporate a few of their OOT guests.  No drama...no hurt feelings...I can easily understand how some downtime with their own visiting relatives would be fun and relaxing as well. That is their choice.  It is and should be a non-issue. 

    Your stress is unnecessary and unavoidable.  You deserve this party to be what you want it to be.  Firmly but politely stand your ground.  Don't revisit it.  And honestly, if your FMIL "hangs onto" these petty little incidents, its her wasted energy.  Don't let her zap you of yours!  Enjoy your weekend:-)
  • edited December 2011
    thank you ladies! I am glad to have gotten some mom's opinions. They think I am rude and selfish but I feel normal now :)

    I got along so well with his family and now I feel like our relationships are being strained over something so little. I am afraid this will affect my future relationship with them.

    I will stand my ground because I do not feel bad. His mom thinks she can whine her way into anything (fiance even said that to his sister) and sometimes life just ain't fair :)
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  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Wow, FMIL sounds like a royal pain in the bum. I say stand your ground and start creating boundaries now before it is about much bigger stuff like where you should buy a house, what you should feed your hubby, and how you should raise your kids. Good luck hunny!!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    csousa-I can imagine her FMIL trying to whine her way into the delivery room. You are right about establishing boundaries, ASAP.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    On the converse, the last BP I went to, the bride and groom's mothers came, it was great!   It was winter and they helped to babysit our coats at the bar and made sure we went the right direction when walking back to the hotel!!  It was nice to know we had someone acting 'responsible' for us, so that we could let loose and have fun!
  • edited December 2011
    My daughter, bless her heart, invited me.  I joined them for dinner and then RAPIDLY exited stage left.  Love them, but I'll pass :) 

    It is not your problem to fix at this point.  Your FI needs to tell his sister to stand down and talk to his mom about boundaries.  Now if a good time to have these conversations, or you will have to deal with it over and over again down the road.
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  • edited December 2011
    Regardless of what ends up happening, the damage is done.  You already hurt her feelings by excluding her.  If you change your mind now, it'll only show them that you're inviting them because you were told to  and not because you actually want them there.

    If you wanted to party that hard, you should have just invited her and told her what the plans were.  If she's so anti-alcohol, she probably wouldn't have come/stayed long anyway.

    The only way I can think of for you to make this "right" (or at least better) is to talk to them face to face and tell them that you didn't want to put them in a position in which they would feel uncomfortable.  Your plans are to party hard and you know they wouldn't want that. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: bachelorette party.. someone please listen:
    [QUOTE]Oh, for goodness sakes. MOMS at a bachelorette??? That's a buzzkill. I'm totally with you on this one. Your friends would likely feel ill at ease, too. Stand your ground.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Agreed...
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