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No Say?

clute03clute03
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in Pre-wedding Parties
So, my sister is my MOH, and my best friend is one of my bridesmaids in my upcoming wedding. They are in the process of planning my bridal shower, which they have said that I get absolutely no say in the planning process..and they didn't ask if I have any preferences at all. That would be fine and well if all of my bridesmaids were cooperating with one another. My MOH won't listen to any of the ideas that one of the others BM suggests..so the BM came to me and expressed some concern. It's very frustrating to me, because I'm not supposed to have a say, or know anything about the shower, so I can't approach my sister without giving the other girl away. I just don't know how to go about the situation..I don't want to let it go because this will end up reflecting on me if things don't go well. Help?
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Re: No Say?

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I disagree with the premise that you can't have any say in anything.

    I'm all about the bride and/or groom not throwing parties for themselves.  But I know my DD enough to know that she hates surprises~hence, no surprise shower for my bride-to-be.

    She also shared her perfect b-party thoughts with her younger sister who was her MOH.  When DD's FSIL tried to completely change and do what SHE'D like for a b-party,  DD's wonderful sister/MOH said:  "Look, I know my sister better than anyone except my mom.  I know what she'd like, and I know what would make her very, very uncomfortable."

    I think if something that makes you uncomfortable is being planned, it's okay for you to have input.  I think if it's what color the napkins will be, that's a whole 'nother story.

    Anyway, if you don't have strong feelings one way or the other, tell the BM that this is between the MOH and rest of the party and then step out of it. 

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • davenia7davenia7 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My MOH aka my sister asked me what my perfect party would be.  I told her a relaxing weekend in the mountains and a trip to a vineyard for a tasting.  Then she has checked with me about whether I would prefer a hotel or cabin.  I have had a say in most of the planning.  But I'm not planning it.

    To say that you have no say is crazy, IMHO.
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  • rraven2718rraven2718 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I disagree that you can't have a say as well. I've been having some of the same issues and I have to say to absolutely not get in the middle of it, because it will only give you more stress and it will just get worse. I agree with Trix, if it's something you absolutely can't handle happening, then say something, but otherwise let it go. On the thought that the shower will reflect on you if things don't go well, completely not true. I was worried about the same thing and then realized that people will know I didn't throw myself a shower and at the end of the gift opening when I thank my MOH, 4 BM , and FMIL guests will be aware that they were in charge of the shower.
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  • ChandraDeeChandraDee member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't know about the BM coming to you to complain.  Clearly she knew you had "no say", right? 

    I think it all depends on what the issues are.  If it's over the guest list or something - that is probably serious.  If it's over the location and time of day, that's probably important to be included in on, as well. 

    I was not allowed to have a say in either of our bridal showers...in fact I did not even know the time of one of them!  It was a little frustrating, but who ever is involved in the planning should be able to work it out amongst themselves (or not) without involving you if it is a minor disagreement.  It can be one of those things you SHOULD not have to worry about! 

    I'm all about honesty, though.  I would tell the MOH what the BM's gripe was...in a somewhat sugar coated way, of course.
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  • amandamh26amandamh26 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is there a way you can bring it up indirectly or non-chalantly where you aren't pointing fingers, or pitting a bridesmaid against the maid of honor?? My fear for you would be that bringing it up to the MOH in a way that is too direct or too specific might cause more unnecessary resentment between the girls, and you certainly don't need any extra drama leading up to the wedding.  I guess it's a matter of picking your battles - perhaps if there is a way you can talk to your BM and let her know that you trust the MOH's choices (that is why she is MOH, right? She should know you well enough, hopefully!) and that you appreciate that she wants to have more say - and that you're flattered by her wanting to be involved and more of a contributor in terms of planning... or, if you can diplomatically approach the MOH and discuss the feelings you're having, that you didn't expect to have no say, but that you trust her decisions and hope that if she needs the help, she's willing to turn to the other bridesmaids for ideas, suggestions, help preparing and planning, etc. That way you're indirectly telling her that you hope she includes the other BM's, and also telling her you're putting a lot of trust in her decisions, since you don't have any say......

    Anyways, those are just my thoughts!! :)
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